Valentine (2001)

We're here to entertain you, we'll sing your song. Hey there, are you obsessed with things that happened before your time? Well if you are, join me, the host of Before My Time, Gelsie Laurie, to discuss the wonders of the yester years that we weren't around to enjoy ourselves. You can find us on all podcast platforms.

Make sure you'll be swaying so come on, sing along. Hey Jason here with my friends Jason and Jason. Jason number one got covered in punch and then had it rained down on him in high school. Jason number two was borderline addictive personality who happens to like alcohol quite a bit and Jason number three only eats chocolate maggots with almond milk and non-slaive labor coca beans.

This week we go speed dating and meet the most thirsty women on earth. If you're having a good history put your mask on, dunk your head in the toilet because it's horror movie night. Jesus Christ, all of the things I wanted to talk about are already in nature. Awesome.

So this movie opens with literally just the story of my childhood. Just a kid struggling to get anybody to dance with him. Some say he's still struggling. So the beginning of this movie and the way it relates to my life in a weird way is I have this DVD that my mom bought me for Christmas years ago.

That's a collection of stand up comedians like early years and Adam Sandler doing stand up when he was in the late 80s, early 90s, like a pre-SNL Adam Sandler and he has this one joke where he's like, I want to ask out girls but people tell me, don't be so nervous. What's the worst that can happen? All they can do is say no. So I asked this girl and she said, get away from me, you terrifying loser.

That pretty much sums up every response that the little boy in this movie gets in this three minute sequence. It's like no one's just like, oh no, I would rather die. And so they do. Yeah.

So he finally... It's at Dorothy. Dorothy looked at him and kind of just like shrugs like, eh. Yeah, Dorothy allows him to dance and make out with him but as soon as other kids catch him she immediately says that he was like trying to rape her and so he gets...

It's Dorothy, you're twice the size of this kid. You're quite a mom. What do you do? Well yeah, so he gets the shit kicked out of him and then we jump to the present and this is where we meet Jeremy.

Now to my horror movie knowledge, this dude is either the killer or the biggest red herring in cinema. Do you mean Jason? Is his name Jason? Jason.

Jason likes. Jason likes... Why do I have Jeremy written down? Who the fuck is Jeremy?

Oh, he's just named Jay names. Oh, you know who Jeremy is? Jeremy, I think I may have skipped ahead a little bit. I think Jeremy is the dude who just randomly bumps into Katherine Heigl in the scene at the school for like a split second.

Yeah, it must have been. Also, this is like, this first section is like Grey's Anatomy but it doesn't suck because like Grey's Anatomy because Katherine Heigl gets killed. Also, you want to talk about Red Herrings? This movie's subtitle is Red Herring, the movie.

It's so many red herrings. Not stop red herrings. It's no happy birthday to me. So that whole date, so I guess I skipped that for a second, but yeah, that whole date sequence is unbearable because yeah, there's Jason who talks in the third person.

Then did they make it all the way to the main course before he becomes insufferable but I was wondering that. I feel like we're led to believe that he literally just starts off terrible. But no, they're just finished. I'm pretty sure they just finished the main course.

So you know, like they probably had Sally beforehand. They'd been there for at least a half hour. And what she sat there being a douchebag for that long come on. Well, she wanted to get free food at least.

Oh yeah, she didn't. She didn't. Yeah. No, not at all.

But it cuts to the front of the restaurant when they're about to leave. And he's like, Kumo, and he's like moving in on her. I'm like, essentially assault somebody in a crowded restaurant with you. You are Adam O'Brien.

Yeah. She goes, you need to seek psychiatric help and soon. And I'm like, oh, Katherine Heigl, if only you could have a peek into your future career. You know what I mean?

Did anyone else think that Sheldon from Big Bang Theory is playing the corpse in this movie? No. Yeah, it looks like it's kind of like a watch back theory. I don't either.

But I see the fucking ad all over Facebook. And I'm like, that looks like the dude from Big Bang Theory. So if anybody knows if that is his first role, there's just playing terrifying corpse in Valentine, be sure to let us know. There's a fake out with the corpse, right?

Yeah, the old pretending to be a corpse wearing a Cupid baby mask trick. She's supposed to be dissecting a corpse because she's a med student. She gets distracted by a noise, comes back and goes to dissect the corpse again. And right as she's about to make an incision in the stomach, the corpse like, and like, freeze in.

And I'm like, what if she had just got really startled there and just stabbed you right in the fucking gut with that knife? This movie would have been over. It would have been done so quickly. Well, this scene, like, I remember watching the scene and thinking, and this was like, this was definitely a trope of like the late 90s early 2000s slasher movies anyway, the amount of strength that one human being needs to plunge a knife so hard into bodies and make that noise every time you pull it back out is absurd.

And then there's this sequence where this dude is just doing it left and right to corpses. So weird part about that is that if you were logically trying to stab someone in the chest, you'd want to go slats or like slice between the ribs and so yeah, you're right. You'd have to have it like, he had it perpendicular to the ribs and it would have to be parallel to even have a chance. Yeah, he stabs like eight people like that.

I like how that's a sticking point for you. Because normally it only happens like once per sequence in a movie, but this time it was like 15 times. I'm like, man, his arm must be so tired. When we get the explanation of who the killer is, I'm like, no, all right, he had vampire strength.

I'm a spoiler alert. So can we just talk for a second about how the clothes and hair in this movie are just top notch? Like it is just, it's taken me back to high school. It's crazy.

Carmen Ivanaz, Ivanaz, sorry, is looking great in this movie. Although she is the thirstiest of all the thirsty women. That's so funny that you said that because I was like, later on, I wrote down some notes and later on I was like, Jesus Christ, another speed dating event? Wait, it's not a show?

No. Wait, it's still another speed dating event. These girls are just so thirsty. I'm the thirstiest women on earth that all they ever talk about when they're at home, they're doing VHS dating.

They're calling each other. I think it's a part of the world, dude. I wrote the script and I was like, yeah, this is what 25-year-olds are like. Well, so they do this one thing pretty much immediately after Catherine Haggle's death scene where my note says, and now we meet Paige and Kate.

I can't forget their names because they refer to each other by name repeatedly. And that's like one of the things that they kind of teach you in, if you take any like screenplay writing class. Only have your characters refer to each other by first name when it's absolutely necessary because you don't constantly refer to your friends by their first name over and over again. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're trying to tell me that it's not normal to scream carolane 85,000 times?

No, it is not. I don't know about you, Matt, but me and Scott constantly talk to each other like that, right, Scott? That's right, Adam. Well, I've got a note here and I have a question for you guys.

They're talking about pages to page, pages ex-boyfriend. Yeah. And she goes, oh, well, I haven't completely broke up with Adam. I'm like, yeah, you never truly break up with Adam.

And then he goes, really? He's just a borderline addictive personality and he likes alcohol. I'm like, you fucking asshole, take this movie. This is the dick.

Well, I do have a note here that says Valentine's Adam and Har movie night Adam have a lot in common. They're both alcoholics and fairly attractive. Well, they're both alcoholics. I am not David Boryon is level of attack.

Your hair is not quite that majestic. I got to know that I think Scott will enjoy though. I wrote down here that the speed dating sequence is pretty good, but it would really be better if they were sheep. Are there sheep?

Yes. Oh my God. Remove head from sphincter, then dry. That speed dating sequence is such a 90s teen flick montage.

Munch moments, it's amazing. Yeah. Okay. So both disclosure for the listener, but my pick, I picked this and Matt tells me, hey, Scott, your next pick is going to be, it's going to come out on February 13th and I'm like, well, it's got to be something Valentine's Day related.

And my original idea was to do teeth because I was like, ah, super sweet. People get to watch. Penis is getting chopped off by the giant Intata of spoiler alert that's what that movie is about. But then upon further observation of teeth, I remember that that movie really sucks.

And it's just kind of impossible to get through and it wouldn't make for a good episode. So I was like, well, what else could I pick? And so Valentine came to mind and I haven't watched this movie since 2000 when it came out. I mean, it really has been a good solid decade and a half.

It's sat forgotten in the annals of horror history for a good goddamn reason because this movie is so run of the mill, but it's a fun little walk down memory lane because, you know, I was in high school at the time and it just reminds me of all the shitty trends of that time period. Plus, it is just so vapid. And I think about this movie is kind of cringy and it's great in that way. Well, I mean, I remember renting this in like 2004.

I rented it when I was a freshman in college and I hated it. And like watching it this time, I was like, this is actually like, it's not a good movie, but this is definitely a movie I could see myself popping on like on one of those like, oh, I'm homesick today. Like me just throw on something like I would pop on Valentine. It's definitely not offensive.

You don't have to pay attention to it. Like it's it's whoa, it's not a friend. It's really like, like this movie's like fucking thesis is that every woman is hungry for dick and every man to rape it. So like that's pretty offensive.

Well, you know what I mean? But like, no, we don't. It's not a it's not offensive. Like when I say it's not offensive, I mean, like it's not so terrible that you're just like, Oh, I can't like it's not like you're fucking watching disaster movie.

Like when I think of a movie that is offensive, I think of disaster movie is offensive to any sense of what a movie is. That's fair. I don't know when when I pulled this up last night to watch it and I saw the poster for it. I was like, Oh, no, I'm so glad that I can still inflict this upon you.

So can we just talk about the fact that there's no T&M this movie? The most you get is like a shower curtain is behind a shower curtain. Like this movie could be rated B-rated PG. There's no swearing.

There's like very little gore. I love the fact that this movie got made and got made in such a way that it's like on our rated horror. Yeah, the director has apologized on multiple occasions for this movie. Wow, that's awesome.

They have they this was their follow up to urban legends. Urban really? Because dude urban legend is so good. This movie is kind of like a weird time capsule also how weird pre-internet dating was with like the speed dating and like the video dating service.

I'm pretty sure video dating is officially done, right? Are there so? Yeah, it's beyond done. It's for like, you know, 50 year olds and stuff like that.

I love, let's just take a little pause for a second and discuss the fact that Matt is playing done about whether or not a video dating is dead. Well, I'm checking. I couldn't find anything here, but I need to know what you move to Canada. How do the kids date these days anyway?

I don't know. Wow. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It's late for it. If this movie is anything, it's pretentious because it shows women being so thirsty that they'll do you know, like, just talk about it constantly and go do all the speed dating because, in my opinion, like, my total unofficial opinion of youngsters these days, everybody is obsessed with getting laid and having no strings attached to sex, which is fine. Do whatever the hell you want, but I'm so glad that I'm not part of that scene because myself would be able to take it. Well, like, so here's the other thing though.

So about this movie. One of the biggest issues with this movie is like none of these characters are likeable. Like everybody. I hate everybody.

Lily is super annoying and she could not die quicker for me. And then- What's Lily? Is Lily, um- The blonde haired one that gets shot by the arrows at the weird art shows. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Then there's like the weird conversation where Dorothy's like, you remember how I was in high school and they're like, you were bigger, you were big boned, you were plump. And she's like, I was fat. And then she confesses that she like lied about this dude raping her and everyone's just like, oh well, whatever. Like just kind of blow it up.

And then- Listen, this is the thing that is so ridiculous is that they- they all forgot and then immediately remember every aspect of the junior high dance when required in this film. It's like, oh, don't you remember whatever the hell the guy's name is? And they're like, no? Oh yeah, I do.

Let's talk about all the details of that night. But then they never touched on the fact that the one was chubby. And Jesus Christ, this movie is just like the writing is atrocious. It's fun to watch.

And it has that great late 90s sheen, you know? Like where it was super shiny and everything's very crisp. And it's not difficult to watch. But when you deconstruct the shit that goes on, you just roll your eyes so hard they fall out of your skull.

Well, the continuation of them being shitty people, the biggest one for me is immediately after Detective Vaughn, like sexually harasses Paige. And she like tells Kate and Kate just thinks this is hysterical. There's just- There's some serious slut shaming going on in this film, especially- Yeah, everybody- Does that woman in conflict like maybe if you weren't fucking asked in Florida? Or maybe dressed a little more modestly?

Or what have we done? Like, come on. Right, Kelly. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, character is super horny all the time and is just like always thirsty.

But like when the detective- Vaughn. Yeah, detective Vaughn, thank you. When he- Terrible detective, by the way. Yeah, when he propositions her, first of all, like why would you do that at your office?

Like that's the stupidest plot device ever. I don't know what they were trying to suggest there because I really would have liked it if Kate- That's Kate? That's Paige. Paige, sorry.

Kate is the survivor girl. I would have liked it better if Paige is actually the survivor girl because she takes no shit. And then, and I don't care if she's slutty, but I mean, like, I feel like that's- that doesn't really- isn't a requirement for survivor girls anymore, not since the 90s. But I understand this movie is from the year 2000.

So, but I feel like she was just such a badass. And like, she humiliated the douchebag that was like, well, aren't you gonna suck my dick? It's out. And like, she's just like, you know, a modern woman and she is in control of herself.

You know? For the person who's the slutty one, I think she's the one we see have sex the least in this movie. Yeah, she actively pushes away people more than anything. Yeah, I don't know.

It just bugged the crap out of me, all the slut shaming that happens in this movie. Like, she's the best character. I mean, I know that's not saying much because it's Danielle Richards. It's just Danielle Richards.

It's just Danielle Richards. It's just Danielle Richards. What? Oh, no, no.

No. Oh, it's rubbed off on me. Anyway, yeah, like, she's like the best character in this movie. Like, the survivor girl is fucking annoying.

I have to stop you right there, Scott. The best character in this movie is the creepy neighbor. He's fucking awesome. You look great, Kate.

It's not great, Kate. He gets killed like in the very next scene that he's in because he's putting on Kate's panties. Like, which is the best death in this movie, in my opinion, when he just gets beaten with an iron. Well, that said, there aren't that many great death sequences in this film.

I think the only other contender is the arrow scene, which, I mean, also it would make sense if he's dressed up like a cherub. He should kill everybody with an arrow. I was so disappointed when it showed the arrow head and it wasn't in the shape of a heart. Also, he's a crap shot.

Like, he shoots her in the stomach and in the shoulder. And like, I don't think there's enough kinetic force to push her over the edge and then straighten into a dumpster. One thing real quick is because I just remembered this when I brought up the creepy neighbor. Can we all agree that that elevator would have destroyed that mask?

Yes, absolutely. Like, apparently the plastic mask apparently is strong enough that it just keeps bouncing the door back open. Wop, wop, wop. OK, rapid fire comments that I really need to get out there.

Maggots and caramel, obviously the writers, know nothing about confectionary science because maggots would not live through hot caramel cooling. It's stupid. Really bumping shit out of me. And my assumption was that the killer had somehow advanced to insert maggots into chocolate in such a way that you would not notice what's just looking at them with a needle of magnets that you're subjecting into each individual piece of chocolate.

Did you just say magnets? Yeah, bitch magnets. How did that work? Tidal's in.

Tidal's out. You can't. You're very good at thinking it's all scripted. So that's just how Matt lives.

He's down with the clown till he's dead in the ground. And we're going to headline the gathering. Yes, we're coming to Ohio to head out. I got to go see all of my brothers and sister and inches out there.

You guys are giving me the biggest news show right now. I came to hear you. So listen, we have to talk about the art show. So I already mentioned, I thought the art show was not just me dating a fan at first because I remember it.

I was like, Jesus Christ, 2000, you suck. And then the, but the Def1n's song in the background, it's a nice touch. White Pony is still a great album. It's probably my favorite Def1n's album.

But no, this is still an art show. And then it's the like the shittiest multimedia art show with like people just saying love me with their bad teeth. And I feel like for as vacuous and shallow as everybody in this film is, nobody's going to be like, yeah, sure, I'll kiss you. You've got these awful British teeth from the 70s.

But then like the joke about BleamingDry.com, like the rich girl who is like, oh, he's going to take you for a ride or whatever. At least BleamingDry.com is better than the most websites that we discussed on this show. Well, you OK, so you pointed out the Def2n's, which reminds me of one thing that isn't just an issue with this movie, but really all late 90s and early 2000 party scenes. But why do they have like the least party music humanly possible?

Like who the fuck is getting down to stupeify by the shirt? Oh, I got how hard were you listening to soundtrack? I was just like, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. See, here's the weird thing that I am very open about my love of late 90s new metal. But I am not the biggest fan of the early 2000s metal. Like I don't really like to disturb that much or any of those bands.

And I don't know what it is. You do real? Because they're all the same fucking bands, right? Yeah, I mean, they are.

But like, Coron and LeBiscuit have a very distinctly different sound than disturbs. Yeah, OK, I'll give you that much. So for some reason, it's acceptable. We're sitting here as about how shitty this music was.

But somehow it's acceptable to still be a fan of disturb. But if you still like Coron and LeBiscuit, you're a fan of disturb. What the fuck are you saying? Wow.

Oh, my god. That was Al Capri, Al Capri, and Chapeen. Whoa, hold it. Al Capri, now.

I am. I'm talking about Danielle Richards and fucking Adam Samberg and shit. One second. That that that matches did was Al Capri, and it was covered.

I'm with the victim. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Oh, my god. Thank you. So, hey, I realized something about Angel, though. He's so sensitive.

Except when he drinks. Yeah. Oh, damn it. That was my fun for the day.

I'm good. So, Scott, maybe you'll remember this, because I was talking to Adam before we hit record, and I watched this movie last week, and this note, I remember when we were supposed to record last week, I was all excited to talk about it, and now I don't remember what it means. But it says, and then in quotes, sex music for Campbell and Dorothy's sex scene is absurdly fantastic. I don't remember what that was.

I don't remember either. I feel like it was like a weird rap song. What sex scene was that? When the rich girl has sex with the college man.

Yeah. Oh, oh. Yeah, actually he like, he like, he like tells him, oh, it's OK. It's all right.

It happens to everybody. That's sexy. Yes, that's sexy. God, man, I don't know about you guys, but I was masturbating furiously during that party.

I was going all out. Did you guys notice that that day when they have sex, like you see outside? It's the day after the party. I think that's the same day.

It's the day after the party, because he dies before the party. OK. You see outside, they're talking outside of somebody's house. OK?

The leaves are turning red, because it's Valentine's Day, right? Yes. They sure didn't record, or they didn't film this in October. It's definitely, February 13th or 15th.

You know, in the Midwest. You know, it's a really good sign of the quality of a movie is when you're paying attention to the leave colors during sequences. I cannot. That's a shit about them.

I'm talking about them. I'm not judging you as a viewer. I am judging the film as a piece of film. All right.

I have two notes to get us up to where we are right now. I was pretty much at the party at this point. Oh, OK. OK.

So they are doing like that speed dating thing with the video tapes and shit like that. I was like, why don't you, like, like, I'm not judging you as a viewer. I am judging the film as a piece of film. All right.

I have two notes to get us up to where we are right now. OK. So they are doing like that speed dating thing with the video tapes and shit like that. I was like, why don't you, like, it's much suck not to have the internet.

But then it cuts to Kate and she's looking up stuff on the internet about Jeremy Melton or whatever. I'm like, oh, she's got AOL 98. She should be in the chat room. She's got fucking guys and stuff, right?

But then somehow she also has a notebook thing, like a police report about the incident at the school dance. And I actually paused on that and I read it and it just fucking describes Jeremy as attacking classmates, going into a rage and refusing to acknowledge authority. I thought that was really funny. Yeah.

That's what God said to him, said to a reform school. OK. And then it's the sex scene between Dorothy and that guy. And he does this weird thing where like she's in the shower and it tries to play it off or like a jump scare where he just like, rip the door open and hands her down and he goes, now it's my turn.

I'm like, who the fuck does that to somebody? I'm in the middle of shampoo week. The fuck out of here, dude. I really thought he was going to be gay because I was like, so he's with her for her money, but he's really gay.

And so that's why he couldn't get it up. And then that's why he's acting all like buddy with her like, my turn in the shower. But then it's not. I don't know.

It was weird. Also, I had this memory that I guess was a false memory that there was actually a gay character in this movie. And I'm confused that there isn't. So I don't know.

I thought that there was a slash with a gay character and it's a big deal in the late 90s, early 2000s. But I don't remember what it was. Are you sure you're not going to write a chucky? No.

Maybe Scott was just struggling with himself the first time that he watched this video. That's what he'd remember. It's like, oh, Angel, why don't you love me? I watch you every week on TV.

You don't ever acknowledge me. I just want you to love me, but you just can't stop drinking. So we were at this party and. Oh, do I know about the party?

Did you hear the song is playing? It's love dump by static ex. Super romantic. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And everyone's fucking grooving to this. Like this is not like if I was DJing a party and I put on static ex love dump, I would get so many angry looks and be like, why the fuck are you playing this garbage when we're here to get drunk and dance? Like, yeah, I'm really proud to be like, boom, put on bullshit. But I'm cold by static ex.

Boom. So immediately this movie goes from like a kill scene every 20 minutes to like a kill scene every three minutes as they realize that there's 20 minutes left in the movie and they still have three of their main characters alive. So they just are killing people left and right until eventually it comes down to Dorsey, Kate and Adam. And it also has this trope where like the second that the power goes out at any party or.

Everybody's gone. There's like, oh, fuck this place. I don't want to wait the three minutes for someone to flick the breaker that turns this party back on. Someone turns the party back.

You got to get that party switched? I like Danielle Richards, Desine. That was pretty good. Thank you.

It was. It was. Right. It was no beating a man with an iron.

Great. But it was pretty great. Kate becomes convinced. Oh, actually, there's a quick side note.

Vons decapitated. That just happens. And then Kate finds Vons head in the lake and concludes that Adam is actually Jeremy. So Kate becomes convinced that Adam is Jeremy and suddenly she's attacked by someone with a cupid mask and is saved when Adam shoots the killer removing the mask reveals the killer to be Dorothy.

Adam explains that Kate sometimes traumatic events will cause people to do horrible things. And then his nose starts bleeding, which reveals that Adam is most likely the killer and also Jeremy because Jeremy would get like weird nosebleeds and the killer would occasionally have a nosebleed whenever he killed somebody. You're glossing over a whole lot of shit that happened in the party. So, um, so this movie is basically Terror Train and I never realized it.

I had that note and I deleted it because I felt like we'd come too far. But yes, this is 100% Terror Train except none of the characters feel bad for what they did. And in Terror Train, at least Jamie Lee Curtis is like, yeah, we did some **** to that kid. You know what else is awesome about Terror Train?

David Copperfield. Yes. Um, but anyway, Matt, here's my dating advice for this week. Don't let Strange Women tie you up.

Never gonna end well for you. Nope. I mean, I was a little bit of a telegraph **** thing ever. Obviously that was gonna happen.

Yes, agreed. Um, so, uh, we, we have a throwback to both the Death Spa and Slumber Party Massacre in the East Richard's death scene because she's in a, you know, a hot tub and she also gets drilled a death. So that's pretty sweet. Oh, and then, um, there are two, uh, two notes I had to talk, to talk about because they are so absurd and so meta in a movie that's not meta.

So there's one part where I think Paige said, or not Paige, I don't know who's even left when they say it, but it, oh, it's when, it's when David Boryana arrives at the, or it's shown at the party and he's wasted or he acts wasted. And that's confusing too because I don't know what the point of him acting drunk would be. And then like he's a magically sober, like five minutes later when all the action starts happening. It's weird.

Kate walks away from him and whatever girl is still alive. Uh, I'm assuming it's Dorothy is like, oh, he's no angel. And I'm like, come on. You know, like, God damn, it's like, I feel like David Boryana's like, well, the director side is like, hey, this would be pretty funny if you put it in.

You know, referential. Um, I want to believe it's the complete reverse. I want to believe that he was like, do we, do we, do we got, do we got to do the angel line? Actually, I think that's funny.

Or that way. I feel like you're super embarrassed. I feel like David Boryana's is a pretty stand up guy and just as long as he's not drinking. Yeah, don't give him that blood or else.

It becomes Angela's and just wants to end the world. And then there's also a line where I think Kate says screw you all. No, I'm sorry. Dorothy says it.

She says screw you all and she runs away, uh, which is topical because, you know, Denise Richards just got screwed to death. But it would have been a better line that I'm surprised that I didn't use in one of the Slumber Party Massacre movies. Yeah. I don't remember three at all.

I just watched three within the last calendar year and I sure don't remember anything from it either. God, what a forgettable movie. Something for a Slumber Party Massacre being the most, being one of the most forgettable ones. So, so there's a note which is on the Valentine Wikipedia that points out how the movie, well, it's listed under tab called irony and says when Jeremy asks each girl to dance, they each state a mean comment right after he asks them and it all foreshadows their fates.

And man, these are some fucking stretches. So it's like Shelly says in your dreams loser and she dies laying in a sleeping position. Uh, Lily says, ooh and receives maggots in a chocolate box. Paige says, I'd rather be boiled alive and gets thrown in a hot tub and then electrocuted.

Dorothy says he attacked me, which makes everyone believe she was attacked by Jeremy. So Jeremy makes everyone believe that she did the killings and then Kate says maybe later Jeremy and Jeremy and Kate still get to stay together. Those are all wonderful and I would love to believe that the writer was clever enough, but those are real or real tenuous. Yeah, they're real fucking stretches.

Yeah. You know what, Bumpey, I guess Lily, she got that, they all get creepy Valentine's from the guy, right? And her said like, roses are red, violet are blue. They're going to need dental records to identify you.

Why did she get burned alive? Yes, that was Dorothy. Yeah, no, that wasn't Dorothy. Yeah, she got it right when she was like moving in the douche into the house.

No, okay. Well, that's what I was thinking. I was like, oh cool, she's going to get like a really gory horrific death because I honestly did think this movie was just PD-13. Like after Katherine Haggles gas where it's like just slit the throat but don't even show like anything at all.

I was like, oh, this is going to be cute. But then they were at that art show and there was tits flashing on the screen at that art show and I was like, okay, well wait, what is this? What is it for? I must have missed that part.

I must have missed the way. This is the reverse of what's happening now though because like this was at a point where you could only get a slash movie made if it was R. So I feel like this may have gotten a PG-13 and they were like, no, we'll shove someone's throat through some goddamn glass if it gets us an R rating. Like what do you need us to do to get this R rating?

Because it is super tame. Like the deaths in theory are brutal in like practice. They're not. Like it's kind of like watching the R rated version of the original My Bloody Valentine where it's like, well, if they actually showed what happened, this would be a really pretty fucking violent and brutal movie.

You know, when you actually see the unrated version, you're like, holy shit. The biggest thing that bothers me about this movie and it's such a small thing to bother me is that the kid who got beat up like in the beginning of the movie, he's getting beat up and then there's just some random fucking kid wearing a Cupid mask. Yeah, well that that really does not fit. There are so many things about this film that felt like they wanted to connect to them but then they forgot to.

Yeah, where did he get that mask? For a long time, I thought that that kid in the Cupid mask, because they zoom in on him and pay so much attention to him at the end of that dance scene. I thought that was going to turn out to be like Jamie's little brother or something and he was coming back to like, see revenge on them all and using that Cupid mask that this brother got sent away and I don't know, I was going to think that maybe like, kill himself or something. And here I go right to the better movie than the second movie.

Seriously, can we get John Hamm up in this piece? Yeah, John Hamm could absolutely play Adam in our remake. He's too old unless all the women are thirsty because they're like Cougars. Yeah, we could do that.

Valentine's Day 2, Night of the Cougars. That's all I have to say about Valentine. I don't hate it. I actually watched it again this week.

Because you're glad for punishment? Well, also because literally I like to have something on on the TV when we record and I was like, I'll just fucking throw Valentine on in the background so that's on right now actually. Daniel Richards is about to get it not so. Of!

We're here to entertain you. We'll sing your songs. Hey there, are you obsessed with things that happened before your time? Well, if you are, join me, the host of Before My Time, Gelsie Lori, to discuss the wonders of the yester years that we went around to enjoy ourselves.

You can find us on all podcast platforms. Soon you'll be sweating so come on sing along. So what did you guys watch this week? Oh, I have two things.

One was great and one sucks. I'll go with a great one because it's not a horror movie, but Megan and I, Megan found this movie called Austin Land from 2013 and it's got Carrie Russell in it. Felicity, you know? Yeah.

And it was super cute. The premise is that this woman is obsessed with Jane Austen books. But for some reason it's really bad luck with guys. And so she goes, she spends a crap ton of money, basically her life savings, her saved money.

Like you know what, I probably like 10 grand or something like that goes to England to this resort called Austin Land where you have to dress in period peace, clothing, you, you know, basically you get to live out a Jane Austen book. And the, the, Sip was mom is also in this film and she's kind of like the comic relief. She's low over the top at some points, but she's pretty fun. But it was, it was a cute movie and we both really enjoyed it and then I read the reviews and people fucking hated it.

It's like, man, these reviews are brutal. I mean, for a romantic comedy, it was fun. Like I don't, I don't understand where critics get off thinking like, oh, it's a romantic comedy. Better, better, judge it as an Oscar nominee.

I don't know, it's just weird. When you first started saying the premise, I was hoping that you'd be like, and then the robots in Austin Land come to life and become murderous. Like it's just West World. It could still be West World.

Anyway, but it's, it's related to horror movie night because it does the thing like in the Marie Antoine net movie from like, 2006 or whatnot, where it has modern songs kind of juxtaposed into these provincial scenes. It has Betty Davis eyes. That song was the big, like the main song from Final Girls. And I was like, where do I know this song?

I'm like, Megan, I just, we just watched something with this image. I don't think I've heard this movie, or this song before, or I don't know what you're talking about. And it took me forever to remember that it was one of the key points in Final Girls. So anyway, it was fun.

You bring up Betty Davis eyes. Fun fact. So I actually just listened to the Final Girls commentary track. And the original song that they wanted instead of Betty Davis eyes was like a prayer by Madonna.

Which actually makes a whole lot more sense. Yeah. And they sent the song, they sent the script to Madonna. Like they managed to get a contact with her and was like, hey, you know, like we're, because the two guys who wrote Final Girls are both gay, which I did not know, but they were like, yeah, gay.

We're huge fans of Madonna. And I love this song. And they wrote this long letter to her and blah, blah, blah. And she basically wrote back like, I like the script.

I'm really touched. Here's the thing, you can have any one of my songs you want for whatever price you can afford, except like a prayer. Why is that? Was there anything?

She never gave a reason. He's like, never really gave a reason for that stipulation. So we were like, well, that's the only Madonna song that really works for this though. So I guess it's not.

Is it a Davis eyes? I'm Madonna song? No, they just found a different song instead. But like when I think about like, man, like a prayer makes way more sense in both of the scenes that it's used in.

Yeah. Yeah, it absolutely makes way more sense. But they also said that they wish the final girls was R. Like they wrote an R-rated movie and the one stipulation was to get it made.

It had to be P-13. Yeah. So they're like, so we did it. And it's all right for a P-13 movie, but they're like, if we get a sequel, we're going to really fight for the sequel to be R.

I'm like, all right. Well, that's good. Well, I feel like they have to get a sequel for how well received final girls was. Well, they said they already have an idea for the sequel.

Yeah, it's the continuation of that last scene. Well, apparently they also said the ending of the movie originally was just like, yeah, no, all of her friends are dead. And everyone's like, yeah, that's the pressing shit. You need to bring those friends back.

So Adam, what did you watch? Wait, wait, wait. I have one other thing that I watch. I don't really have much to say about it, but I watch Indigenous from 2015.

It's on Netflix. Oh, God. It was about a Chupacabra. Ooh.

No, it is, it is unfucking watchable. It was Chupacra, bro? You fuck up people's names, but then you can say that word. One try.

I don't understand. Matt, I'm going to need you to Chupac stop breath. Yeah, so stay away from in in in shit, you know, with all upon all costs. Shit, whatever.

I watched season two of Fargo, which was like some fucking golden age of television. Amazing shit. Oh, no, the golden age of television already happened with breaking bad. It's up there, man.

It's up there with breaking bad and like, it was really, really, really good. I watched it all in like three days because I could not stop watching it every day after work. I'd get home and say I'm watching that shit. It's fucking great.

I'm told this season two is better than season one by a lot of people too. Oh, it's way better. Yeah, I've seen both and I much prefer season two. And what else did I watch?

Oh, I'm a venture brothers in fact. Yeah, so I watched the newest episode of venture brothers off to a really great start. Shit, the amazing can't wait to watch the season and wait another six years for another one. So real quick, I won't talk about this too much because it's the type of television that only I like and neither one of these guys like.

But I have been rocking my way through the L-Ray Network series, Lucha Underground. Just finished the first season getting started on the second season now, which premiered like two weeks ago. So Lucha Underground is a very weird thing. It's a lucha door wrestling show produced and written by Robert Rodriguez that is also a telenovela at the exact same time.

What I like about it is that wrestling by nature is absurd. So it goes extra absurd and it's like, all right, well, this guy is Arrowstar and he has created from the constellations of the stars and he's fighting Drogo, who is a living dragon. You can definitely feel the Robert Rodriguez touch with all of the way it's shot and the way that the storyline actually goes because it's treated like a TV show in the sense that it doesn't happen every week. It's a series of 20 episodes that are now or long and then they go away for six months.

So you talked about being touched by Robert Rodriguez. Do you need to talk more about that? Can you provide me a doll? So there was two other things that I watched that are way more crucial to this podcast.

Thing number one is that weirdest movie night we will not kill or work out. Yes. Fantastic. Lots of workout sequences.

And the killer works out so good. So did you watch the copy that was kill or work out or do you watch the copy that was a Roboside? Well, the DVD or the sorry Blu Ray because we watched the Blu Ray. The Blu Ray case said killer workout, but when you put it in the credits say a Roboside.

So I don't know. The one thing and I guess this is one of the few times we're watching a movie with a group of people was not beneficial because I was so good. I was so lost that it wasn't until I listened to the We Hate movies podcast review of killer workout that I realized the connection of who the killer is with something that happens earlier in the film. It's just a fucking weird movie.

That whole movie is crazy. But you should watch it and you should actually listen to the We Hate movies episode. I don't think we can ever discuss killer workout because those guys did it so beautifully on their podcast that I feel like it would just be doing a lesser version of their skewing of that movie. The other thing I watched that I got in the mail from Netflix was Goosebumps, which was so much more fun than I thought it would be.

But I agree with Adam that there, Adam and I had a brief discussion on Facebook about it. There are heavy implications of Ghost Sex in that movie. Oh my God, one more question. Well, no, we had quite a few.

I posted that on Facebook and a bunch of people had been like asking like what did I like about it and the other thing. Some people are concerned that they don't like Jack Black so they're not going to like the movie. Jack Black is awesome in the movie, but really it is just an nostalgia piece. If you grew up reading those Goosebumps, books, you are going to have a good time watching the movie because it literally has been a lot of fun.

It literally has references to pretty much every single Goosebumps book. That's not possible. Well, because the concept is that Arles Steinstein's writer- His typewriter is magical and when he writes one of these manuscripts he has to finish the book and put a lock on it because were you to ever open it, it would actually manifest the beast from inside the story. Which in itself is an homage to one of his books called the Blobbed Aid Everyone.

And so at the end of the movie something happens to the bookshelf and literally every book gets opened. So there's this crazy, it's like the end of Cabin in the Woods or the end of Waxwork where it's just like, okay, now let's throw every book. And just watch them re-cabin. So it does have almost every single thing that I could remember from a Goosebumps book.

Yeah, because I thought that it would only be like, okay, well it's probably just going to mostly be Monster Blood and the fucking Night Living Dummy. But there's references to some obscure ones like the Werewolf from Fever Swamp and Shocker on Shock Street and all these books that were definitely in the later years of Goosebumps and not super popular, but they're in there. The only thing that I can think of that wasn't in there and I'm kind of disappointed because I love them so much is the Mud Monsters from the You Can't Scare Me cover. But they may have been in there because there is that giant shot where there's literally like a hundred creatures just standing outside of a school.

It's definitely, it's a fun time and then Arlesne has a nice little cameo towards the end of the movie as well. But the important thing to remember is that there's heavily implied Go-Sex in this movie. And we can't explain why because it would be a spoiler, but there is super heavily implied Go-Sex. And one last thing to tie it back to the Lucha Underground thing that I'd said, that's on the L-Rain network which is pretty fucking hard to get, which sucks.

I wish that I had the L-Rain network. It's just a channel owned by Robert Rodriguez. But I did see while watching the newest episode of Lucha Underground that the day that this is coming out, they're having a Valentine's Day special where they're just playing all of the Night-M-Round Elm Street movies repeatedly for two days. So if I had L-Rain, that would literally be what I'd be doing as you guys are listening to this episode.

That was 2001's Valentine. Happy Valentine's Day to you guys. Thank you for sticking around and listening to us for 31 episodes which is surreal to accept that we've made 31 episodes of this shit so far. Keep sending us those emails.

We've been getting a ton of emails. We've been super, super touching and funny and filled with terrible movie suggestions. But keep them coming at hmnpodcast at gmail.com. We love hearing from you guys.

This dude Chris, he's a super fan out there in Kansas. Thank you for writing in. He's got a lot of kind words. It's really cool to hear that there are people that we may never meet in real life that are really digging the show.

So thank you for keeping us up to date on all that stuff. You are our Valentine. This is why I'm so glad I'm married. Oh my god.

What were making it I watching? Fuck. We were watching something and it had some sort of internet dating on it. And I just turned to her and I was like, I'm so glad that we're together.

And I don't have to use the internet to try and get dates. Because like... Were you watching the movie where you're just looking at my Facebook? No, it was definitely a movie because I was interested.

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You'll be swaying so come on, sing along. You're listening to the e-scape network.