Vanessa Williams is Such a Bitch

I have had a crush on Vanessa Williams for…oh, a little over 40 years. I know this sounds astounding now, but back in the ‘80s over 55 million people watched the Miss America pageant and my family never missed it. It was like this well-dressed, benign version of Survivor all in one night: parading beautiful young women, each representing their home state, vying for lucrative college scholarships. But in order to do so, they had to wear gowns, strut around the stage in high heels and a bathing suit and answer pontificatingly inane questions that somehow always ended up in hoping for world peace. But it was the talent portion that really fascinated me. There were ladies playing piano, playing marimba, accordion, even the cups, monologues from plays, tap dancing, baton twirlers, fire dances, women walking on glass. Two of my favorites were Miss America 1961, Nancy Ann Fleming, her talent was she showed several different ways to pack a suitcase for the weekend, and Vonda Kay Van Dyke, Miss America 1965, who was not a half bad ventriloquist. But rarely was there someone with any real talent. And then in 1984, Miss New York State, this stunning 20-year-old Black American woman sang a version of Happy Days Are Here Again with an arrangement similar to Barbra Streisand’s groundbreaking interpretation of the song. She was goddamn good! Like, Broadway-bound good! And that’s how Vanessa Williams became Miss America in 1984. She was smart. She had poise. Her politics was startlingly aligned with the way young America thought. And it turns out she was incredibly tough.  That toughness has led Vanessa to more comebacks than most people get in a lifetime, except she never calls them a comeback because to her, she never actually went away. She’s had a bestselling book. She has had top records. She’s been on Broadway and Into the Woods and Kiss of the Spider Woman. I see her in everything. We loved her on Desperate Housewives. We loved her even more on Ugly Betty. She’s sung at the Super Bowl. She’s sung at the Oscars. When people ask you what’s one of my favorite holiday memories, I tell them I went Christmas shopping with Vanessa Williams because that’s how I did my Egg magazine interview with her. Vanessa is now the toast of London. where she is starring in Elton John’s smash hit musical adaptation of The Devil Wears Prada, which may never get to New York because the damn thing just keeps getting extended. And now I have saved the best for last because she is with me here on The Happy Grownup and I couldn’t be more delighted.