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She's the new Johnny Cash. No I'm not. I have one black sweater and gray pants because I had to sit with you for an hour. That makes me depressed.
We like to introduce the first lady of podcasting a lady who is known throughout the land as Brandy the benevolent, her own queen Brandy the first. How are you today Brandy? I'm excited to be here with all three of us to do the podcast. I wish I could say I was.
Brandy has a need, a desire to let everyone know from social media what TV shows she's watching. I'm just kidding. Are you watching the queen? Are you enjoying that?
I'm watching the crown and I am enjoying it. Could you do me a favor and maybe tonight take a picture of your fucking dinner because I don't care about that either. I don't care that you don't care. Social media you let everyone know you're watching the crown which is about Queen Elizabeth.
Yes. Where are the at in the episodes you're watching? Where are they up to has clearly a Parker bowls made of dinner and dinner? No, no, no, she's not there.
No, Charles is still a young lad. Okay, no, I can't wait till she makes an appearance. Well, she's a cherry. I am totally not looking forward to that shit.
Come on, she looks like a boss. Well, Charles is no fucking prize. Yeah, but he's a prince. Yeah, but still dude.
He's fucking kingdomed. Yeah, he's a homely motherfucker. He's a homely motherfucker. What's her name now?
Is the community of Parker bowls? What does this name mean? Yeah, he's a Windsor. Okay.
He's a lot of fucking names. I'm not a fucking name. I'm not a fucking name. Yeah.
Let me introduce is that all brandy time? I'm watching the crown. It's very good. If you get a chance to watch it, you should.
If you had been watching the series on Queen Victoria, you would be able to discuss this topic intelligently today, which of course you can't just read what I have written for you, which is basically your only skill. Let me introduce Jesus Christ. You know, let me tell you, it's been a long time since we've been together as a threesome and a very long time. Timmy has gotten to be a bit of a bitch.
I did to a prick like he was always in listeners don't notice Timmy's always been a prick But when he gets on here, he plays this like oh, yeah, he wants to act like he's all sweet uncle Timmy Yeah, it's all everybody. I'm so glad you're here I am glad you're here, and then I'm glad all three of us are together It's been a while because you fuckers can't show up to work for us a podcast. Have you know one constant with this podcast is me Hey, wait a minute. I just have a question.
Um, are you here tomorrow? No, okay, then there you go So you fuckers can show up for work. Let me introduce the most dangerous man in podcast. He's not he's a man who is no He's been described as an oasis in the desert of despair by no one.
He's a man of High morals I would say and little means He is the face of a rectal dysfunction That to me because I'm gonna tell you about my weekend The very honorable the Reverend the Colonel Charles Bullrigard Hawk waters the third affectionately known as the southern gentleman How are you today Colonel? I'm not good to me. Well, that's great. Can you move on?
I don't want to know I know No, because he's just want to talk about his deck and I don't want to hear about it Colonel because it makes me a little bit Apparently he's overcome. He's a rectal. It's frankly I had a lot of physical activity over the weekend I'm a little stuck out of tree where you're taking care of business I know people think that your normal is you know the Colonel since it's always I mean you should not be talking about your coffee You got the upperculator in your office at is I don't know what a Puckulator is that a barco is it not a barco? Goddamn right it is I don't know what a puckulator is I mean we need to get off a foul wouldn't vest on and put him on now what you got What you got a ticket you got a plant that smells like BO makes everybody think that's you Well, why don't you go to my employee every time I walk in the office?
I think it's you I mean how do they have the I don't know but you're so I'm gonna just it fucking right guard for it Back to your sexual exploits. Yes. They're quite impressive to me, but let me tell you let me tell you about my weekend to me You know what we're about to get you know I finally the devil gonna get over here 18 to 16 inches Brandi are you looking forward to the snow? I am I am fucking bring it.
I'm so I have 15 interventions saved Again with the TV show. Yeah, you know what fucker. Can you play read a book motherfucker? Could you read a book get on the history channel?
Listen to a podcast. This is why your brain marsh all the time check is announcing Queen Victoria, shall we we shall and we're gonna get into this and I'm gonna say right now Because we're gonna come up with Somebody's gonna complain because we're gonna be talking about midgets I was in target this weekend. There was a growing air to me. She couldn't have been more than four four four three Okay, all right, we'll wait and see what her nice says she's a little person Okay, she was nary a midget nor a dwarf.
She was a little person. Okay, first of all dwarf ain't a little person because we're same people They're demons. Okay, especially when we get into it. We got a hunched back to work Just saying ahead of time putting a disclaimer in This might be a trigger if you are scared of hunched back to us.
We're giving trigger warnings right now Okay, if you're a person attempting to shoot other people in the face yes trigger warning. Yes, so So can I get into the story? I don't know if you fucking move along. I went to Kroger today We were walking by a car that had a bullet-lodged Like oh, let's keep moving.
Let's keep it going. What's up round the bomb evidently? I hope that's for an a text again This is uh The mini assassination attempts on Queen Victoria Queen Victoria brandy as you know if you watch the Queen know you watch the other one Right you watch the Elizabeth, but as you know Queen Victoria There were there were eight assassination attempts on Queen Victoria during her reign. She might have been a bitch Well, we're gonna talk about how many times people tried to assassinate you did you know it?
Because you got a few coming where do you think that bullet? For you, I don't know it's in the hood of like a Renault. So I'm not real sure all right Queen Victoria reigned over the British Empire from 1876 until 19 oughta one brandy and if we're gonna say at all we're gonna say at all today Of course you are British British pocket sure toll because we're fancy we're fancy we're fancy like them in Rosanna I want to be fancy like they are you know what why this is what I want to know fuck sake Why are you talking as a Rosanna have a title she needs to be the duchess or I think that's for People it's not or for guys who dress as princess or exam princess Rosanna. Okay.
I think she said and Duke been yeah Yeah, it should be a Baron Baron been doing bingerman Baron Benjamin. No, he would be Lord Ben Lord Ben. Yes, it's very religious I you know what I believe I need to know the title Hey, yeah, I'm right. Wait.
Did you hear what Timmy's new name is no really no, okay Timmy's new name is Baron Diablo Horatio Haunting Diablo Horatio Von T. Oh, I'm a bit off. I'm like a lord Lord Diablo I think there's a lot of things not the ratio No, I like the ratio, but I don't want it as my middle name. Are you sure?
Also with that title you're gonna have a lot of you can't a fellatio's his middle name And seriously a cane with a sword, okay, hmm walking Well walking came that turns into a sword clearly I'm sorry. What's my name first of all don't ever ask Lord Lord? What's my name is Lord? What's my name?
Lord? Lord Diablo Ratio Let's go for a he's a Mexican Italian heritage we've been to our rain over the British Empire from 1876 until 1901 a rain of 63 years and seven months was longer than any Of her predecessors and was only surpassed by Queen Victoria Queen Elizabeth in the box. Yes, Lizzie The era of Queen Victoria's rain is known as the Victorian area. Thank you very much.
Colonel. He read the book He's great. You know what no because I ain't sitting around watching this jump TV. Oh, do you know what?
You know I'm reading books. I mean, it's amazing All right, so it was a period of industrial cultural political scientific and military change within the United Kingdom It was marked by a great expansion of the British Empire the nut the Sun never sets on the British Empire when Queen Vicki was on Good for them. Yes despite her popularity Queen Victoria was the target of eight. I got a question real quick All right, I'm in since four but go ahead.
Okay, when she has to go, you know, number two drop a drop a royal dookie Why say I don't know if this is gonna add to her story. No, I just wondered that when she says I already know It's not I'm going to the throne if people know is she going to Say the privy we actually you don't know how the water or the loo See you see how many times you've been in the motherfucker. I'm sure you've been as many times as you well then shut the So I would like to point out the stones to get on a plane and go do you I would I want to play out? I'm from a plane.
Can I come out that we do have a topic we do have we are gonna talk later on We have another topic coming up in the future podcast on Catherine the great and she died on the John well, that's perfect. You gave away that and Yeah, go ahead. Well, no, no, because you know the rumor is she died by banging a horse. She really didn't She died after she went to the bathroom to clean up So this is so much better.
Let's let's let's get on with those five Okay, so eight assassination attempts against Queen Victoria. She was born on May 24th 1819 She turned 18 on May 1937 do the math girl Less than 18 less than a month later on June 20th 1837 William the fourth King William the fourth died at the age of 71 brandy mm-hmm and The key Vicki became Queen of the United Kingdom, okay She would soon become one of the most influential people in the whole wide world ready. Who was her prime minister at that time? Minus Prime Minister for like 200 years Anyway Victoria would soon become very influential she would become a target for crackbox brandy crack heads I'm going to make a name for themselves by assassinating head of state.
You know that shouldn't fun now either People always trying to make a name by either Assassinating the Colonel yeah, or you feel her pain. I do I do and you know what well? I'll let you get to it. Thank you.
Thank you anybody under four foot eight. Mm-hmm. All right I just have a security take care of them all right Between the first attempt on her life in 1840 you'll never see it So she went she came Queen in 1837 the first attempt on her life happened three years later. She went very popular at first and I Don't think she was ever popular to me in 18 But so the first attempt on her life came in 1840 the last attempt came in 1882 so four for 42 years.
That's not bad But you know she had a stiff upper lip she refused to let her assailants Intimidate her and had a girl You know she was she's a tough lady the first fella. I'm assuming she was poor at said for leisure to me with that I don't know if the world has a place. You know they I like a new one though What's the one to marry in the hairy yeah, and Megan I like her. I like her.
I mean I like Kate too. I would I like her I'm not Camilla parkable. We're gonna pose. I would I'm thank I they got this whole selection of strap-ons It's like a royal strap-on collection What if they sell that target?
No, I think I've seen it on home shopping at I've seen it alliance Keep an oil. Yeah. All right, so the first disaster. That's the real This Edward Oxford brandy.
Well did he write the dictionary was the first he just Got and both of his his initials are both Owls they are that's weird. That's what it's true story Edward Oxford. Oh This is what we just Wasn't I know I'm sure this is not it was the first was the first assassin or whatever He was an unemployed man brandy. We got a dream of a career as an admiral in the world, maybe I have that dream I know you want to be the you want to manage Stonehenge, which is never going to happen.
Whatever. I know dream killer You're already not man rocks. They already found out I already do and they already found somebody curl position in your in your estimation Good is brandy capable of managing rocks at Stonehenge. Come on now.
Um, like I don't already Okay, I believe Stonehenge would still be standing. I don't believe she would ever really actually get around to checking them I'm telling you they'd be all fucking they'd be up falling over. It's it. They'd be cracked for the Stonehenge to be going home early every day We like to be living graffiti on it pissing on Stonehenge.
Oh my god. You are not qualified to manage you're not you're not sorry You're not any kind of monument. I sit here with you two motherfuckers every day. You're not good enough to manage with with stuff like that And let's start you with pebbles and see how you get to bring in some pebbles.
Yeah, Rudy pebbles And I bet you lose them I would lose the janitor If you was a manager of Stonehenge and one day you come in there all my cow sucks so bad You'd be like you know trying to put it back in places. I don't like that being the manager of all those heads on Easter Island Oh, no, that's that's a job. I know I was a lot of heads. Yeah, well, you start That's why you start with Stonehenge working way way way up to Easter Island Easter Island Edward Oxford was an unemployed man who dreamed of his career as an Admiral in the Royal Navy in June 1840 Frustrated that the world did not recognize his genius.
Well, I'm kind of frustrated I know you know I feel your brother. I feel you he confronted Victoria and her hubby Albert Unconstitutional heel which is I guess right outside the royal power heel and this becomes a place they all these assassination attempts happens at the same Place which is really weird. Are you a t-shirt under that shirt? Yeah, why wouldn't you just take a different route then?
Tradition I was on a movie driver not to pick up. It was armed with two flashy dueling pistols dueling pistol flashy ones of that Did he challenge her to a duel? No, he's laughing to face Edward. Edward Oxford was a good-looking 18-year-old with dark eyes and Auburn hair Oh fuckers 18 years old get the fuck out of here You know, I'm really 18.
No trying to kill a queen at 18 You got to be at least 25 trying to kill That shit above a bear now he had worked as a pot boy At a local public house. I believe I got one of my son. Oh, he was the shit getter. Oh, yeah Boy, yeah, he actually was like a bus boy you get the empty pots and yeah, he was a shit getter He worked out a local, but he was fired because he had a manic laughter that just heard the guest I bet it did You clean up shit all day then I bet you would do Let's see.
All right, so explain what pop boy was he had a little no He was known as a little being a little odd ever since he was a child with a violent drunken and often absent father The young boy would often fly into fierce rages brandy of his own destroying everything in sight. He's a dick That's why you can't be an admiral. Yeah He would not be made a good decision. He would not remain calm under pressure No, I don't think so now.
He was just an angry frustrated unemployed youth You and he became a member of a secret society of like-minded angry young people known as young England. Yeah got a job I don't know. I don't know any there was a many holes of England Where they were in England and they were young apparently good good research go ahead He went between jobs and he had a belief that he was destined for more and he was frustrated No one could see that he was 18 So when he was fired from his job as a pot boy how you get fired as a fucking piss well, you know I guess if you dropped a bucket on some ice shoe no he would have that he had that manic laughter Yeah, fired as a piscator. Can you bring me a glass of water from there?
First of all, you do not bring a glass of water if you're a piscator. It's not how do you put that on your resume? He's not a piscator. He's not a piscator.
I don't think that's right. I mean like in your achievements as a pot boy What you put in it first of all they want me to give him money and I don't like him money Just to take a pee second of all I don't like people like wash dry my hands You know what I like to do to me what you do you go and show him your wiener? I do that too because I step real fall back from your ear and see if you hit it Bragg to just like give a good arc there Then do you ask us right off? No, you actually you have to take a picture of people out You gotta take a mixture you walk in and you hold your hands out and you wash your hands and then yet before you do anything Mm-hmm.
They look at your real strange. They want you to smell good. They look at your real strange and you say He's not my plant sir with this dick. I wash my hands before I touch it And then you do it again, then you stand about six feet back.
This is showing me your prostate real good You got a steady flow. This is my shit. This is my second thing. That's like 30 seconds of my life.
I'm never gonna tell you know why Because you jealous girl, you gotta sit down to Pete. You can't stand six feet from your ear No, I can't I'm like Michael Jordan with your I'm sure if I practice I could but no I can move down a pot boy And hit the ear and over three that's a good leader. I'm saying his getter So anyway, he got losing his job was just to find a star off for him as a pot boy So he was determined that the world to see him as more than just a pot boy So he decided he was going to come as so was Tommy Chong He decided he was gonna kill the queen to make a name for that. That's one way to go He was the old he was olden olden days John Hinckley using the very yes using the last of his wages Brandy He purchased two pistols and a powder shot.
So was one just wasn't gonna do it Well, you know, I feel like a smart thing to if you're you know if you're going to Assess my queen to have more than one side arm. Do you think so Colonel? Well, I think you need a sword to me Jump out with a big 17-inch samurai sword Using his last of his wages he purchased these guns and some powder shot He spent a few days perfecting his aim and shoot at shooting galleries around London. That's in England Brandy Victoria was four months pregnant at the time with her first job.
That's in shit. Yeah On June 10th 1840 Edward Oxford was dressed smartly Randy like sort of like me. I generally dress smartly You dress like a ten-year-old, but go ahead And I like he had a light Silk waistcoat and brown frock coat. Yeah, look good.
Yeah, look open the cops pick up Well, you know, you get the you know the photographers and everyone's turks. Yeah, you know Paparazzi store show up paparazzi other words Victorian Arab paparazzi with the words He really would have to stand still one sketch Jeff Black shit all over your face And you would have to stand for hours sometimes. Yeah, fittingly it was a finley his the outfit anymore is his Suit that he wore had been only previously been worn to a funeral And so he set off with his duds and his pistol set off our brisk walk toward the palace Randy When he reached it he found crowds of people Just doing for a glimpse of the Queen trying to get him to get him. Yeah, whatever He passed through the interest and continued along constitutional hill now He picked a quiet but not totally secluded spot Randy and casually waited his frock And his own frock standing or smoking.
Have you ever had a long frock Colonel? I just told you over the weekend I had almost 18 long no no a coat of frock. Oh, frock. Oh, I don't know.
Oh, I haven't had Renee says she'll talk to you when you get home Okay, this is a message from Renee mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. She will probably put pressure on you to perform better than you already I don't think that's gonna be it Anyway Anyway, I'm like hold on hold on double you know what I am devil you know what I am an ass at I am like the LeBron James of making love Chances He doesn't have sex brandy. What do you do?
I may love sweet Magic love Alright, so back to our story So he was just waiting there waiting for the queen to show up two hours later There was a sudden sound of cheering people it alerted him to the presence of the monarch the queen with the prance buyer side Immersed from the Garden Gate and an open carriage pulled by four horses see those open carriages Colonel That's a sin assassin you know dream, but yet the pope just still wanders around Yeah, but it ain't bulletproof You would learn from Kennedy nothing You would think you would think she maybe Kennedy should have learned from her yeah, a lesson should have been learned Anyway, two hours away the queen wave to the crowd racially like this. Yes, except I'll listen as can see I'm going to clean with Edward made his move brandy. Yeah, he walked forward nodding his head then drew a pistol from his frock So's a frock in pistol at just six paces away brandy yes from the queen he fired Screams rang out among the crowd, but the queen was unaffected. She didn't even seem to realize that she'd been shot at The brightest queen in the world huh, well, you know Reagan didn't even know he was shot That's true the horses started and a carriage came to an abrupt stop Our work took his wife's hand and asked if the fright has shaken her, but she merely laughed in reply brandy She wanted to try to assassinate queen brandy We would not want to put that thought in people's mind no we do not Assassinate queen brandy that would be horrible and you'd be famous and like everyone in the world into your name and hidden there with a tomato Wow, of course all right, we are no way encouraging no No, we're gonna do any kind of physical violence upon this wretched no woman, but you can't say you mean things better on Twitter There's all kinds of people Show up for podcasting Years We've been carrying the brandy I know I wish one of you was one of them Knowing that he's been knowing he had been spotted he'd route his second pistol So yes, it's why you always have to brandy whatever but in a brief pause the queen had spotted him She ducked as Albert pulled her down and Edward fired So Albert saved her life the ball passed just above her head and struck into a wall behind her in a moment In a moment to carry job right away at high speed little no fact to me Albert slowed himself I bet he did it would be pretty scary to be in that situation Edward Oxford shot up before well Yeah, no, no have it.
Yeah, he has waiting for the bus Evitender match Alright, so can we see it she's probably a crackhead, you know, she's got dick. She's got issues I think he puts on his profile only issues need a black. Oh, it has kind of assumed It's a given yeah, but what is it? What does she say?
What's going on? It's just a match. Yeah with who Maggie 31 The whole you would you do ever curl really Maggie? Yeah?
Oh, would you do her? Oh wake up Maggie? I got something to give to you girl All right, thank you Maggie. I will text you when I'm done with my part All right, so let me know no no no no I got a red solo cup over there Chuck would fuck if he was given a chance Oxford was quickly arrested When he came to court Edward was found not guilty on the grounds of insanity Brandy.
Well, cuz he had that laugh They transferred him to a mental hospital. He soon became a model patient Colonel and it was later released on the assurance that he would migrate to another country There you go Edward agreed and he was sent off to Australia Changing his name and finding employment as a house painter Brandy. Yeah He kind of reinvented himself inclined to social ladder and was elected to member parliament under his new name He took a new name when he was so he did get kind of what he wanted Well, he wasn't even become an admiral, but I mean he got to be a big deal. Yeah, even after us and this is a session.
So it works Kinda, so there you go. Well the queen whose popularity had been waning before the assassination attempt received an unexpected boom in popularity So her approval rating went up or whatever him more popular because of this attempt She insisted on not letting this tragic event change her life So she would still go out in public and be seen in crowds and inspire subjects So everywhere the world couple would go after this people would applaud like they didn't really like Albert when she got married and So they would kind of unpopular at first, but then this kind of got her in good standing with her subjects Edward Oxford as I said went on to A pretty nice life in Australia became very successful and indeed attended a celebration for Queen Queen Victoria's seventh Seventh birthday, so he changed his name so they didn't know it was in right and it was in Australia So you didn't come back to Britain, but Okay, that's the first attempt ready. Tell us what happens next. Well, I will I will tell you it happens now talk to Maggie Yes, well, whatever I don't believe that's a real name to me I think it's one of those sex dolls how many how many Japanese Maggie's do you know Two years later two years later on May 30th 1842 John Francis came close to making Queen Victoria's reign five years rather than 64 The second and third attempts on Queen Victoria's life were very similar to the first Standing on constitutional Hill with a flop pistol Francis waited for Victoria and Prince Albert McCann to return from a carriage ride through London's parks You're a patient speaking to the microphone I am speaking to the microphone I Tempted to fire a pistol into the carriage.
Okay. He was spotted by a police constable Tanner who rushed towards him and attempt to knock the pistol out of his hand What's the difference between a police officer and a constable a constable does not carry a night stick to me? You don't you didn't know you didn't know you say you didn't know that by the way Maggie's not true As he sees the pistol it went off although it did not injure anyone it was his second attempt on the life of the monitor the day before God Okay, it was a second attempt on on her life the day before he had pointed his pistol at the Queen's carriage Is she an Albert? He made the short trip from Buckingham Palace to the chapel royal at st.
James palace see you can't even go to church without some Not trying to take a shot. I know he had hesitated and fled but three people including Albert had seen him The police were now on the alert and so were Victoria and Albert. Okay. He decided to ride this day in an attempt to flushing out Oh that okay, you said flush.
I gotta ask a question when Prince Albert goes to the bathroom He said where's Prince Albert? Do they say Prince Albert's in the camp? Yeah, they do. Oh, how many times do you use that tire fucking joke?
You stupid shit. That's a shit. We're really gonna go there now We just say this is how brave of her because she gets shot at one day and they decide to go out and Go out. She hit my microphone.
They decided that she went out the second day to get hit I know I just said that. Yeah, it's a bit. I mean they could have put like somebody like Benny Hill and drag or something What's her but instead she did it herself Ray Queen she's ballsy She's got balls like a metal fucker balls What's her name? Camila Pa.
Camila Parker Bowes Say Colonel. Come here to a pog of bull God this is horrible poor poor only woman. We were like everyone on our Facebook page to Miss it! Miss it!
Miss it! Miss it! I record them saying it's not saying Camila Parker Bowes and post it on her face we really like that because that's how we have nothing besides watching intervention I'm not a good guy. You ain't got the most excited about that yet.
Really? Really? Really? No.
You're not talking about looking around so big. Really? Really 90 day fiance? Really?
I have to catch up on that. See? Well, since you have the attention span of a D.C. fly, you can only watch it for 10 minutes at a time.
That's all you need. Good guy. It's a marathon. Not a sprint.
I disagree. All right. I can say to me, it's a goddamn good thing it ain't a sprint. I never seen a sprinter shuffle.
This is a queen. You should respect. I mean, that's P.E.C.D. No.
OK, so the plan worked, but not without a hitch. Half an hour before their return, P.C. William Troughts had spotted Francis, but as a queen's carriage rushed down the hill, Troughts was torn between his desire to show due respect to his monarch and his duty to protect her. What a dumbass.
He opted for loyalty, turned to face the carriage in salute, and was deafened as Francis fired at the queen at close range. Son of a bitch. He said the cop there doesn't want to be disrespectful to the king. He sees this guy pulling out a gun.
pull it out of gun. Who they set this whole thing up to draw this guy out. But instead, I'm just salute. You know, there was a tie, Princess or a tie queen, something she was on the rural barge and it sank and Thai people are not allowed to touch their queen.
Oh, and so they just sank. She was trying to drown from all those people. Yeah. Now, you know what though this goes back to, you know, Reagan got shot because the police they used to, you know, secret service, of course, but then for the, can they carry an eye fix?
This time in New York, they actually had guns. And they don't do that. Reagan, they changed the rule because Reagan got shot like that. One of the things that happened was local policemen are so enthralled by being that close to the president.
They can sometimes lose their focus a little bit. And there were policemen right next to John Higgly, local police. And he's fascinating. So they changed what they do.
The secret service realized that, you know, you didn't want to get the police that close to the president because it's just human nature being what it was. Yeah. And you know, there wasn't that many secret service agents, you know, like 20 in Dallas, you know, they say all these conversations all over the place, they don't have that many actually travel with the president. Continue.
Secret services are fascinating. Yeah. You want to know, I mean, because you don't read anything about his. Do you know, do you know what Constitution is?
Just trying to get through this guy and make it through the motherfucking day. She's in the climax. Let's see some grown and girl. Oh my God.
What's my name? Baron Horatio Diablo Horatio Fontaine. There you go. All right.
Let's see here. So this dumb ass decides it's, it's better that he is respectful and watches his queen get shot. Then actually stop the shooting. Well, let's see.
He's so this guy, Francis, thrust the pistol into her face. I know. Threst the pistol into her face, but faithful servant John Brown knocked it to the ground. Yes.
Such was the lack state of royal security during Victoria's reign. Wasn't too goddamn lax. He knocked it to the ground. Yeah, but you got people saluting her when she shot it.
She's having a gun all up in her face. Like God in her. Yeah. In her face.
A detail of the Metropolitan police followed her wherever she went and her prime ministers and home secretaries added to that detail as a response to any threat. But it was she who decided when and how she would travel. The day Francis shot at her. The decision to ride was hers.
As was the decision to ride the next day, amongst the crowd of thousands claring to congratulate her. That is kind of right. Though her decisions might seem to us dangerous. Full heart, full heart even.
Yes. And run counter to every tenant of royal security today. They ultimately served Victoria well and she converted seven near tragedies into triumphs. Colonel, did you see Donald Trump on his secret service?
He tried to put locks inside his bedroom so that he didn't allow anything. What's he calling it? I don't know, but he doesn't want to be this people walking in on the wall. But he tried to put a lock inside the bedroom.
It went loud. Did he go up to Home Depot and grab? Yes, that's what he did. He ran to Lowe's.
Him and my dad were both in the comment section. Got a gift card. Yeah. In the wake of each attempt on her life, the public rose up to demonstrate its loyalty and affection.
She was much love branding. So I understand. All the time and you only don't want one page. For fuck's sake, girl.
She words out. This is good. We're going to listen in the time of bringing the life. Could you put some emotion in the sleep over here?
Yeah. You know, when we get those when we get those, uh, what's going on with you saying that we are monotone or she's monotone? She's monotone. She's a pronoun.
She's an pronoun. She we don't like to point fingers, but you know, they don't know. I'm just saying it's sexist and unfair. You could say it's about ready for me.
But they don't want you to go. If you read about the fucker like he was alive, I can check you for a poll. Yeah. Make me believe.
Make me feel something, girl. Make me feel some shit. We got listeners here. It depends on his podcast.
Right in her day. You let them down, girl. You let them down. I kick you in a ways that was my for natural area.
Yeah, it was. Okay. Okay. I like that.
John. I lose. I lose. Cox.
They're like the ugly as best comfortable shoes. Yeah. All right. You buy my D.
W's. No, I did not. John William Bean, an 18 year old. All right.
You're going to have to let me get through this for a second. All right. John William Bean, an 18 year old hunchback dwarf demon. What?
Demon third. Praise law to attempt to kill the queen a little over a month after John Francis made his attempts. She must have been pulling well and young. Hunchback dwarf demographic demographic.
Depressed. He decided to end it all or at least change his miserable existence dramatically by pointing a pistol at the queen while she and Albert wrote to church. Well, I want to say that is one thing. That is one moment in history.
I would have loved it with us. It gets better. Like it can speak. Everybody looking at him like.
Not only is it dwarf. Oh, wait. See, that would be me. That's all.
Wait, it gets better. All right. His attempt was the feeblest. Oh, the gun refused to fire and he was seized by a boy next to him.
Like Noah. Like some six year old kid. Like he took him down. He's probably crazy.
I don't know. Just picture. Running away. That had to be funny.
It's not funny. Yeah. Running across the bus. Wait, we'd have to duck.
Place our suit. That's true. You might want to serpentine. All right.
So stop at the zoo. Pretend your baby camel. Now we don't want to send any of our listeners who might be hunchback for worse because we we're caring people. We're proud.
We're proud to work. I believe we can we can lose any hunchback. Not really take a big. For every hunchback for listener.
We lose what we got for for my component. So the preschooler that was next to him got away from him. Any ran. Any ran.
Took those little six inch min of steps. Serpentine serpentine. You can't see where he was running to. It's a tall grass.
No, I cannot. Straight down because it on track. The royal guard had police round up every hunchback in work in London. How did that take?
How many are there? Well, in the water. Police were able to be surprised by this. They have like an association.
The union. They just went to the meeting. The police were able to bring in 28. I love the big city.
I love the big city. But Bean was not one of them. They put him in the line up. Turn around like a dirty head.
Can you put him on chairs? I can't see him from here. Please turn around and then just like turn around and each other can. Because it on.
It's back. And you know, like where they have the height. There's little bars. Every like two for.
Yeah. Start up straight. You would be five to seven. I see some shit my day.
I never seen a hard time. I never seen. Okay, so this is serious. Sure.
So they round up all these hunchback dwarfs from the meeting. Bean's not there. Worried that clearly a ninja would be assassin was still on the loose in the city. Well, there's nothing more dangerous.
Thank you. I'm worried it hunched back to one who has nothing to lose. You know, a lot of fuckers don't need water for like three weeks. Yeah.
Desperate. Desperate dwarf desperate. Hunchback dwarf is on the loose. Yes.
Yes. He's on the loose. It's on the land. It's on the land.
Could ride a lamb out of the city. All right. So. So this maniac.
I just love to see what the guys they brought in. I believe that's profile. It could be. It could be.
Yeah, we got another one. Wait a minute. So they're going to back door to you. Mine is shoe.
It's 14. Oh, it's third graders. Well, back. Exactly.
Okay. What happened now to Mr. Bain. All right.
So cool. Main to well, clearly. So the regular the regular the royal guard they can't handle it. They round up all these warms.
They could have started though. Got damn circus. Yeah. And they got nothing.
They don't have the right. Bottom was all over that one. So they were worried that this guy's don't lose. So they hired the services of several private investigators to augment the police search.
Two of the detectives hired were Peter Calvin senior and his son, Peter Calvin Jr. The elder Calvin was known as big Peter while he's. Big Peter. Little Peter.
Kind of. Wait for it. It gets better. It gets better.
Just hold on because this seems like something Tim would make up and put in here. No, it's so I'm not giving credence to any of it's going to be. But I'm going to put it out there in the research. Big Peter was described as salty and firm.
Very descriptive. You painted a picture that while his son little Peter was considered weak and soft. There's nothing worse than being a weak, soft Peter. Little fleshy.
Pails off the weak. Peter. Yeah. You really have no purpose in life.
If you're a weak and soft Peter. No, you're not. Now if you're salty and firm. Then you got the world by the next together.
Both Peters scoured the city in search of the 18 year old hunchback dwarf. So the whole city was covered by the Peters. John Bean. They were trying.
They were popping out everywhere. They were popping out of their way. Exactly. Little Peter.
Search the services inside shows. Well, that makes sense because if you're going to find the hunchback dwarf they're probably at circuses inside shows. I don't know that they go and watch them. I mean, they might work there.
That's what I mean. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. It's a logical place to start your search.
Okay. Well, big Peter, explored the city's taverns and brotholes. That's big Peters going to take one for the team. Well, I mean, think about it.
If you're a little, if you're a hunchback dwarf, you're probably not getting, you know, having a lot of relations, normal relations with women, Brandy. So it makes sense for Peter's to hang out for a little dwarf. First of all, you know Just hanging out there just to get a little something on the one the policeman's dime Well, I'm just saying if you have if your options are limited like if your hunchback to work You probably do go to brothels to okay, okay, so after securing Shoes that you flatten the backs down on in a green sweatshirt that guy After securing the services of a prostitute all in the name of investigation research big Peter was happy to learn that John William Bean the hunchback dwarf was well known amongst the city's prostitutes He would soon learn that John Bean frequent in a brothel on London's West Side Short straw he's gonna make me get on top He can't do it doggy style well, I guess if he was if he was actually Standing on the bed. No, he's gotta get the shortest girl Anyway, well, she's got Neil down give him a reach out so it's a problem so Not for me.
I don't so anyway, so so you would say you have no problem. You can handle you do a reach around on I'm out on hunchback dwarves. Why is that? Why are you?
Why are you so anti dwarf? Not anti-dwarf? Well, you're anti-hunchback George. Yeah, I'm not anti-dwarf.
I just don't want to sleep within their fingers freak me out. All right, let's see You never had love and like it you got from a hunchback? How would you know? I bet you have all right, so two days later after he learns this big the piers big and little stake out the house of ill repute Acting on a tip from a prostitute big and little Peter apprehended John Bean as he strolled through a nearby park Just so inconspicuous whistlin attuned.
That's walking along John Bean attempted to run away, but because hunchback dwarves tend to be slow. He was quickly tackled by little Peter that really goes without saying I you know, that's really understood. Well, yeah, but I wanted to include that. Oh, let's see me.
It was the It's the case of him being taken down by little Peter because a big Peter would he just ripped him in the ass You know, he's lucky little Peter got it first. He really should have Hunchback dwarf racing and that should be an Olympic event. What? Seriously Colonel.
Hey, how often do you watch Olympic summer Olympic events? Yeah, but would you what was the likelihood you would watch a hunchback dwarf will race in the Olympic? Oh, I love it. I love it.
Well, everyone would. It would sit new ratings records for ratings Right, they really should have hunchback dwarf racing. You know, not a head they had to dwarf tossing but hunchback Midget you could put a handle right on that hunchback Curling On a small reading of the So when they got him Bean was still carrying the gun he'd used in his assassination Yes, I think you always get rid of the weapon right after you use it. He did not Robert Peele the prime minister was mortified Have yet another attempt on the Queen's life when he rushed to the palace and saw the Queen he reportedly burst into tears Oh big pussy He'll in the public crying old yellow teeth crying just nobody should get it bitch didn't get it What are you crying about maybe like her?
Peele in the public realized after this fourth attempt that the mania for taking pot shots at the monarch was precipitated not by animosity against Victoria Or by any revolutionary political desire, but by the diseased craving for notoriety as the papers had had it or had it Does that remind you of anyone? Crazy read it again. What was it diseased craving for notoriety? That was held by a few anti-social boys who coveted the attention and glory that came with the charge of high treason Peele passed an act that held their crime to be a high misdemeanor punishable not by death, but by imprisoning and whipping You get a hunchback.
That's brutal. Well, there's not a lot of space to hunchback Was I think isn't that just dead space on your back? I mean you could be that some bitch for an hour Maybe a flat amount if you use a good stick use some good hickory on that the act may have worked too as the assault stopped for a while Jack and I'm just saying you got a hunchback. You could probably just get it, you know, not just to be straight about She'll be back maybe taller if you want to hunt back Jump up and down on him or grow six inches overnight So Victoria okay, so they stopped for a while and Victoria likely never put to use the parasol Line with chain mail that would have been designed for her I mean, I was I mean I've been bad at Periscale.
Oh for sure a little heavy. See you asked me if I had a t-shirt on I got chain mail on on any fish The curious fashion accessory now lies deep in the archives of the Museum of London. I want to see that all right now Colonel will tell us about the other attempts In this guy's a speech to me, okay, Billy Hamilton, Timmy Billy Hamilton. He's an I fella Irishman Timmy I'm unemployed brick lay out from Ireland.
He was the fire to Queen Only five million and you're not one of them and there's 27 million descendants in the United Yeah, you threw that little tidbit out yesterday. Oh, yeah, it's not nearly as fascinating as you think it is So listen up last year quick It was on Constitution Hill on the day of the celebration of her birthday in 1849 Yeah, yeah shot out happy birthday last week this one. All right, you found your foul bitch. Yeah She was not an attractive woman when she told her none.
They're never attractive. Oh, yeah Yeah, she had a big penis dangling from underneath the chain mail Okay, now to you Timmy on Thursday 20 and May 19 1849 The world carer was fired upon once again. I can yeah on constitutional Hill. Yeah, this is like fucking this bitch lived in Flanders field Jimmy yet again, it proceeded down It's like being living in West Side by me and just driving home every day Now the shot was fired from nearby Green Park, Jimmy.
Okay, and on this occasion a queen was alone in a carriage At about ten minutes before six o'clock. I go once again on escape That's good the man now double. Yeah, try to follow along try to clean her Understand my cadence how I'm putting this across so Approaching my guessing ability. Yeah by listening to the colonel and I when we reject our voice Yeah, so the man who fired the pistol suck it He was a quickly apprehended by police constable top human taken to the palace and see by Inspector Walker there to me Yeah, no, you know stroke how detailed is that even put the police officer's name damn right you did to me.
Yeah, so anyway, Jimmy I'm here with some sit on the crown King Street Station House and given into the custody of Inspector Darkin Yes, the prison was about 22 years of age. I mean it was only about five foot six or seven into you could have been a dwarf himself He had a fair complexion of hair and was dressed in a flannel jacket quarter or trousers a black waistcoat and a gap to me How do you like that? Turn on how much detail I put I mean you painted a picture to me that I could I can see the man in my head right now Well, I appreciate it. I appreciate you bringing it to life because as you notice Like my poetry that I written in a script when it gets the pros you the pros is wasted on it It's hard to write good pros when you're sticking with two civil war.
It's like having a hook or reach a I mean it really is you know what it's like it's like having somebody just shove a mouthful marbles in and trying to read Yeah, son, it's too. I know or sink. We appreciate how you bring it to life and leaving the lasting impression on our listeners And that's why you and I are kind of the stars of the fuck yeah Yeah, that's why we're wearing black so his name. He finally admitted was William Hamilton bill He was a bird player by trade in an Irishman and an orphan and an orphan and an orphan and was raised in a poor school Of the Protestant orphan society of Cork in Ireland to me He was the fourth to stand just outside Buckingham Palace with a gun his act was as much of a surprise to the Queen's protectors as his predecessors were It's you think they get kind of used to it.
Yeah, that's like oh god damn it another yeah another shooting I ain't going to paperwork on this one. So Hamilton was tired of his life and saw imprisonment as a likely improvement Yeah, Brandy He got his wish to me all right he played guilty under the peels acting suffered seven years Penile servitude anything out brandy penile servitude he had to serve and at the prison colony at Gibraltar before disappearing into obscurity in Western Australia Because Australia's where all criminals go hmm a year later victorious next to sale at Robert rate struck He was only one of the seven to actually harm the queen about that brandy well known in London for his manic rambling speeches he gave daily in Hyde Park he interrupted one of these speeches when he saw the Queen's Inside the gates of our uncle's mansion on pick a dilly we could really yes Like much like the phallic symbol of a penis he thrust the pistol into his face He pushed himself into the front of the mouth knowing that when the Queen's garage and merge he will find himself just inches from Just inches brandy and smashed his cane down upon the royal forehead Blackening Victoria's eyes and leaving a well he hit her head with the cane Brandy he pimp beat the queen with a cane Isn't easy Here, but let me ask you this is that really an assassination attempt if you hit her with a cane Now she intended to go to opera that night when a lady's in waiting big did not beg to just stay home She replied certainly not if I do not go it will be thought that I'm seriously hurting people will be distressed and that bitch swung like a little girl So I say that she did she said that bitch couldn't that bitch couldn't break a pinata with that swing But you are hurt ma'am the lady replied then everyone shall see how little I give a rat's dick about being hurt the queen said He could hit me ten more times in that little bitch wouldn't hurt me She didn't say that she might have paid was sentenced to seven years Transportation not sure what that means So any brandy would you think about ten years of transportation? Yeah, I would not like it now her six will be a sale It's me and a record not like that a bit Arthur O'Connor another nice day It's just me to see with some country now the sixth guy to try to do it Arthur O'Connor O'Connor it was another Irish lad Let's see what the chani and Levy he's a great nephew of the chart is politician Fergus O'Connor Okay, you don't know who fergus O'Connor don't know don't even nod your head you don't know who fergus He doesn't read yeah an overwhelming desire to surpass his great uncle and fame in one stroke to me one single stroke brandy Well in February 1872 he wrote up an edict for the queen design an order feeling that the freeing the many Irish political prisoners didn't British pinatentress So his was actually politically motivated. He was the unibama of his day to me his plan was to interrupt the schedule Thanks giving it Saint Paul's Cathedral with edict in one hand and a rusty flint lock in the other He was gonna do a Luca Brazzi on the queen to me the penal transportation by the way just means that they were Taken relocated so they had to probably get all straight off You could buy a bottle if you want to cook zero got it with australian got a bottle coke zero that coke zero could attack you Kill you back Australia has more caffeine than any other Just like yeah, yeah, it's not that either you know kangaroos are very sexual creatures very what sexual Oh, yeah, yeah, it's in I don't know why they say like bunnies people should say they was fucking like kangaroos Because they do it all right.
Yeah, and then they just hop away brandy just yeah, they don't cuddle they don't cut out They don't go have you ever seen brandy have you ever seen kangaroos cuddle? I know all right, you know, you know why to do it so much to me because with those short arms those t-rex arms They can't oh can't stroke themselves. I got you know what I mean. You ever seen a t-rex dried it I never have that's what it was a goddamn mean It's a matter of thing.
Yeah, I mean think about That's what it was a man all the time Even if you had like you know if you're a t-rex and you got a t-rex arena willing to pleasure you like get on her knees and plays You're a t-rex arena you couldn't even hold her head No, you couldn't reach it. You just have to bend down and get the sides in it I mean you couldn't even choke a good t-rena. That's true brandy. You have to admit that that's true.
She's got a point. Yeah Yeah t-rex can't choke nobody no yeah, so have all this and this one one one So he's got he's got this rusty flint lock in one hand right this edict in his other hand Now he knew he was gonna die But wrote into the edict the command that he be treated as a brave political foe Okay, shop our firing squad rather than hang like a common criminal that's fair He failed to get into the confederate as a police spotted him acting suspiciously there the night before and threw his ass out Two days later. He clambered over the fence at Buckingham Palace and came upon Queen at the end of one of a carriage drives Once again, you know what this woman had used it she had a lot of things thrust into her face and her lifetime Much like this well never mind So he thrust his his weapon into Victoria's face, but was quickly knocked to the ground by her faithful servant John Brown again John Brown is all over the big a bad mother that John Brown's one bad You know, not only to protect the Queen, but he came over here and rated on fair harperspherry Mm-hmm. That's a busy guy and busy busy guy.
He was a sheriff down in in a by Marley town. Yes, you're right Sure, John Brown always hated me, but there's a deputy. I know I understand that you're you're you're already You're you're going out on the limb and saying that you shot you shot the deputy you're already looking at live probably Why not just go ahead and come to sheriff? Oh, yeah, shut the ship but not the deputy Yeah, but my point is you're already saying you know, I'm with the deputy already shot the high sheriff You're going away for a while, but he's got no beef with the deputy Yeah, but I did not shoot see that's the thing you do colonel if you want to shoot a deputy and share shoot both But then say hey, I shot here.
I didn't shoot a deputy. Look at me Are you texting that hooker back or I can't any current so so he thrusts his pistol into a face. Okay, John Brown knocks him down John Brown with some metal O'Connor only got imprisonment in the threat of a weapon just a threat Hold on that was later negotiated into exile into Australia. Oh, well the fucker would rather go to Australia than take a beating You got transportation I'll take I take the beating before I go to Australia.
I'll tell you it was Canada I just say get that hit list again. So well, I got a good friend Shirley I'm not talking about the camp. I'm just talking about did you see Toronto? Do you see the temperatures up?
Oh, it's cold. Yeah, it's like I believe at one point Toronto was a hundred and seventy five I don't think that's a hundred and seventy five look at 33 feet of snow really Did you see the thing in Florida where the iguanas and everything were falling out of the trees because they freeze and they fall out of the trees What did my mother cried laughing? Oh, I've seen a frog out frozen in ice. Yeah, and it's just suspended animation and they'll fall out and be fine.
Yeah, I just weird That's what the news said okay Watching a crown on the idiot channel. Oh my god, you know what fuck you guys dummy TV Channel yeah, and people watch like ABC. Yeah, yeah, fuck yourselves So anyway last attempt on a life was there's more the last one to me all right last one And this is this was the most threatening of all to me as Roderick McLean and he's admittedly disturbed Sky on Everybody man sky on yeah, and he's wandering the south of Indy in England with a paranoid hatred of humanity and a fixation on Supernatural properties of the color blue and the number four Jimmy did that sound like I know Supernatural problem like any you have anything with the number four friend even interest you but any in March 1882 He shifted his fixation to the Queen and he bought what he's always by somebody by a good gun He bought a cheaper Volvo with four bullets in the chamber and confronted Victoria She rode a Windsor Castle from the railway station here we go again Although a number of police were in the station yard a protocol for royal security was as woefully inadequate in 1882 as it had been in 1842 Despite seven motherfuckers trying to kill this one 40 years of assassination attempts for any this woman survived Victorias protectors kept their eyes on her and not on the crowd They have to see that to show us back. Here's the thing if I'm Victoria at some point I'm gonna have a meeting and say look at your mother fucker.
I ain't gonna shoot myself It's an a strongly worded letter to an email and Mary one of these bullets come from my own hand Quit looking at me as if I'm the suspect here. Yeah, I'm gonna crowd you got a good point colonel. Yeah We need we need someone with his oh, you need me on that wall to me Randy what we need someone with his intelligence and on this Podcast God damn right you know, otherwise, what's the what don't otherwise it would not rise to the level of It would not be as quality of a podcast that it is Mmm. Yeah, I mean we Yeah, we'd be our number four hundred seven six thousand on our teams So we have 38 downloads last week we did although another police were in the station yard the protocol for Royal Security was as woefully inadequate in 1882 as it had been So, you know, these are one of those much as slow learners at McLean's trial for high treason and not high misdemeanors He certainly shot it up.
He gets transferred approach. It became clear that the man was insane in a membrane insane brandy meaning that he does not have his faculties And the Queen's government was more than willing to accept a verdict of acquittal on the grounds of insanity Which would have put him in broad more for the rest of his life? Broadmoor is a mental institution devil. Yes, okay at this point the Queen was not willing No way that these assassination attempts she was not at all amused they seem to be very lenient on their She thought depended upon her attackers being found guilty and given short punishment not acquittal now See here's where you're wrong Miss Victoria It did not depend on them being found guilty because all these other motherfuckers was found guilty and they're still shooting at you But you know, I don't believe they're getting pretty light sentences.
Yeah So when McLean was found out guilty Victoria was lit it mad Randy. She was really mad at that motherfucker shot at her Therefore he was guilty. Mm-hmm, and you know, she got a coat and actually Victoria was one of the OG crips Yes, so that it was not gonna go, you know Yeah, if the law did not recognize this the law had to be changed She ordered Prime Minister William Gladstone to change it and he did Seen through an act that changed and sanity verdicts from not guilty by reason of insanity to guilty but insane guilty But insane which is what we often say about some of this stuff the devil does around here She's guilty, but she insane The curious verdict remained on the books until eight 1964 now for her part Victoria survived. She was a pity center of a day to me Okay, she survived all eight attempts on in life no worse for the wear finally to me Finally dying of a wicked case of chlamydia.
No, no on January 22 1901 at the age of 81 years old actually I joke about the chlamydia Queen Victoria had a Shydom natural causes She got a she got one of those purple things those thrombo thrombo's hemorrhoids I see from not getting enough because you know over in England they get they don't get vegetables and stuff I did not know that she's not getting enough fiber. She got constipated. She got a hemorrhoid. She got a big one She bled to death on the part.
All right. Let's just think that's all right. So when did she die girl eight? She died in 19 At one to me.
How would what she girl? She was 80 at one to me. She's anyone years old. All right Brandy your final thoughts on the assassination attempts of Queen Victoria You have any final I do not we would I give a shout out to Sam Brown who sent us out Sam Brown?
Thank you. She's a very nice note says she loves a podcast. So thank you Sam for listening to say chat Probably but no she gave us a very nice email when she praised all of us She did say she was teen Brandy. No, she said no not email You want to know if your middle name was really bull regard?
That is a Suit of name her youngest her youngest son the same as that is becoming one more comment. It's a very wonderful name. All right, so Colonel you having final thoughts on the assassination attempts of Queen Victoria. She only they only tried to kill her eight times I mean she ain't a source.
I am today. Okay. You she's not gangster like you Randy would you we would like to thank all of our supporters who graciously donate to us on patreon If you would like to donate to this wonderful well done podcast Patreon if we make money if we have enough support we might be able to replace Brandy someday Maybe we get serious We can program serious or you know what you know YouTube videos Alexa we can get Alexa when they have just like the the computer voices reading like the wicked We need Alexa read the script yeah any We would like to think all you support us on patreon if you would like to support us on patreon just go to patreon.com Slash history to me so you can give a little you can give a lot or just a little bit to me randy give a shout out to all of our wonderful Patreon supporters only because I like them and hate the two of you right now No, we were just we just tease right now. She's an integral part of our podcast Colonel.
You have to admit that well, you know what some people like to hear her talk much like malaria Is an integral part of the ivory coast? Yes? Yeah, so yeah, then you're ready with your shout outs We would like to thank the following people for their money. Yes, it's a boy James C bright Tommy Lane Thank you for the pin shaped like screwdrivers by the way.
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