What Are Boundaries and Why Parents of Struggling Teens Need Them

Why parents struggle with boundaries Before she understood what boundaries were, Brenda described feeling invisible — like a doormat — with rules that nobody followed and no way to enforce anything. 'I felt like I was invisible, like I was a doormat, like none of my rules were being followed,' she shared. That frustration didn't stay contained. It boiled up into anger, resentment, and eventually moments she wasn't proud of — like unplugging an Xbox and throwing it across the room. Cathy recognized the same pattern in herself. She called herself 'the marshmallow.' The harder her husband got with their kids, the softer she became. And she was honest about why: fear. Fear that if she said 'no drugs in this home,' her kids would walk out and never come back. 'The reality was that's happened without me setting that boundary,' she said. They left anyway. 'There's so much resentment. Not only with your kids, but seems like with everybody. That just like you said, that anger, to me, it overflowed to everything.' — Cathy Cioth Both hosts were clear that this kind of overwhelm is common and worth naming directly. When you don't have boundaries, resentment builds. Anger spills onto everyone. You find yourself trying to hold together a version of yourself that looks fine on the outside while everything at home is falling apart. And sometimes, you snap. What a boundary actually is The most important thing both hosts wanted listeners to understand is that a boundary is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is an attempt to control what someone else does. A boundary is about what you need and how you will respond. Cathy described her mental image of a white picket fence around a small plot of green grass. 'Your boundaries are for you,' she said. 'What you need to be safe, what you need to feel healthy.' There is a gate in the fence — people can come in, and you can go out — but the terms for entering are yours to set. 'When you learn how to create a boundary, when you realize who they're for, and once you do it and you have a little bit of success, it feels so good. And then you want to keep doing it, you want to build on that. It's like you're exercising this amazing muscle and it gets stronger.' — Cathy Cioth Brenda added that boundaries always start with 'I' — 'I need this,' or 'I feel this way, and therefore this is what I'm going to do.' They are not 'you can't do this.' That distinction matters. Real examples of boundaries in the home Cathy shared how she and her husband addressed finding drugs in their home. They called drugs 'software' and the implements used to take them 'hardware.' After talking it through together — not in the middle of a confrontation — they decided: no drugs in the home. If found, they would be disposed of, and their son would not be able to stay the night. 'Oh boy, that was such a tough one for me, honestly,' Cathy said. Her son stayed out of the house many times. It felt defeating. But she and her husband had agreed on it together, communicated it calmly in advance, and held it. 'When we first set out that boundary, my son took it really well.' Brenda shared a boundary she held for herself first — stopping herself from waking her son up for school. She knew the only way to break her habit of going downstairs to check on him was to physically remove herself: a walk with the dog, or a shower. 'At first, it was just painful. I'm in the shower, just did it feel so forced,' she recalled. But eventually he started getting himself up. The harder boundary came during a family move. Brenda had set conditions for her son to move with them — going to therapy, not using in the home, packing his room, being out by eight in the morning for showings. He did none of them. On moving day, with the pods in the driveway and the house empty, he was in a sleeping bag in the corner of his room saying he wasn't leaving. She had to bag up his childhood belongings and tell him he could not come with them — and could not know their new address because she was scared of the people he was involved with. 'That took a lot of therapy to be able to do that,' she said. 'If you are at the point where you have to hold a boundary that severe, get yourself some support. Don't try to do that alone.' — Brenda Zane Emotional and attitudinal boundaries Brenda was clear that boundaries aren't only about your child — they are also about protecting your own emotional state. These include things like deciding not to scroll social media during prom season or graduation if it's painful, setting aside time to exercise, or arranging meals so you can actually nourish yourself when you don't have the mental bandwidth to cook. Cathy spoke specifically about setting a boundary around social media during hard seasons: 'Give yourself that grace, set a boundary around social media or whatever that is that might be affecting you because I think it's just so important. Those are some really tough times emotionally.' Boundaries with family members Brenda also walked through how boundaries extend to siblings, extended family, and even well-meaning relatives who always have an opinion about what you should do with your child. She described the example of a sister who brings up your struggling child every time you're together: you might set a boundary that says, for a while, that topic is off the table when we see each other. If she can't do that, you may need to spend less time together in person. Cathy added that boundaries don't have to be all-or-nothing. 'Maybe you could say to your sister, hey, look, five minutes we could chat about it. But after that, I just really want to enjoy this holiday with the family.' Tweaking a boundary so it still works for you is completely allowed. And boundaries can change over time — what worked or felt necessary a year ago may not need to be the same today.