What Kids Learn from Divorce

The Process of Divorce Doesn’t Have to Be Negative for Children: Kids Can Learn from Divorce When parents focus on keeping a level head during the process of divorce, they can show their kids, who learn by watching, how to handle stress like an adult, and how to behave in a positive manner during the process. Letting yourself be human is also important to encourage positive mental health and problem-solving in high-conflict situations. This is a Podcast with Attorney Leslie Barrows at The Barrows Firm in Southlake, Texas Children need a few things from parents and the rest they’ll figure out from friends or online, and that’s the reality of parenting in 2025. Many child-focused mental health professionals will also tell you staying together for the kids, is not always a best practice. Children are not happier living in a home with fighting parents and uncertainty. So while they do crave safety, security, and a decent level of certainty, the chaos of a toxic home is bad news. Kids Learn by Watching Their Parents If the way you deal with conflict is “one, two, three, oh no you didn’t…” versus “one, two, three, I can understand where you’re coming from, but please also consider…” your kids will notice. And while there are agreements and rules about not talking to the kids about the divorce, they can tell how you are and measure the temperature every time you leave the car to have a phone conversation they’re not supposed to hear. Please note that speaker phone conversations can be heard outside the vehicle. Children Need Safety, Security, Boundaries, and a Process Some kids learn and find comfort in the saying, “What’s the worst that can happen?” and even though divorce and custody issues are stressful, the kids know they probably aren’t going to die. What they may be worried about is whether everyone is going to be okay and what sacrifices are expected. Following the process of divorce and custody matters, letting the kids know what the process looks like and what is happening can be done so reasonably, as you let them know, age-dependent, how adults deal with the process of conflict and resolution. Children Observe Parents in the Process of Change How quickly some people change their lives is up to the individual, but remember too much change can upset anyone used to routine. Kids and parents alike can go through a process of wanting to change everything in their lives to reflect their new situation, but that can also lead to stress of loss of the way things were. As you may be processing change as the parent, your children may also be processing change. It’s good to admit there are different options and the past doesn’t have to overshadow the present and future. Show them that this town might just be big enough for everyone to get along, even after divorce.  Moving Forward in Life After Divorce: Teaching Growth How do we know we are growing from situations in life? Maybe allowing ourselves to be something new is the indicator. Maybe an indicator is not letting our past roles in our lives determine what we do tomorrow. Maybe we have a lightbulb moment. Appreciate that someday your children will be even older than your current age when you are addressing the stress of divorce and custody. Appreciate that in the future, they’re going to look at you and say, “I don’t know how you handled that so well.” So move forward and take solace in the fact that you are doing the best you can and your kids are going to remember your efforts in the best possible light because they love you.