What the actual f**k?!

The paid version of this meditation starts with a short talk, and can be found here.When I was a kid I remember looking at adults and thinking “I hope that never happens to me.” Adults never stopped to play in the snow or build pillow forts or even pick their noses (at least not publicly— everyone reading this, you know you pick your nose in private). To many adults, snow is just a big fat inconvenience. Once in a while you see an adult rolling in the snow or goofing off in it, but it mostly happens when they’re paying with kids.I distinctly remember being in my late teens when the magic started to slip away. The times when I was too excited to sleep on Christmas eve were quickly fading from memory. Snow? It was nice, but I wasn’t gonna bother myself with getting cold and wet in it. I felt the seriousness of life creep in all around me. More and more I would wake up feeling anxious and alone in the world.When I was 26, I had gotten into meditation, and I was in a coffee shop on a snowy day in New Hampshire reading a book called A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. I came to a line that said, “what if this life was just a dream?” And in that moment, I woke up within a dream, the dream of my life. I suddenly felt no fear, and the entire world was light, magical, full of love and connection and possibility. I was playful, open, free to explore and do and embrace my life without fear. Like a child again. For a while, every day felt like Christmas.Eventually it all changed very suddenly. My freedom slipped away and I panicked as all my anxiety rushed back in. I needed to understand how whatever that was had happened, how to get it back. That was when I discovered meditation retreats. Sitting in prolonged meditation with others and hearing the Dharma helped me understand what had happened to me. It’s been a wild ride since then, but the essential lesson I keep coming back to is this: every moment is a miracle. I can let the habit of distraction hold me apart from that freedom, or I can choose to rest in the miracle of this moment. Look outside. And while you’re doing it, drop your attention down out of your head. Stop thinking about what you’re supposed to do today, about whatever runaway train your head has you trapped in, and open to the newness of this moment. Just for right now, free yourself of whatever you’re supposed to be doing. You can do whatever you want. Let the world hit your senses as if for the first time. Look at how beautiful it all is, how your life is a miracle, how it all might just be a dream.The mind might start to worry again: but I have s**t to take care of! Maybe. But can you stay in touch with the miracle while you take care of that s**t? Can you keep some sense of perspective? You can. The world is always trying to shake you awake with how miraculous it is. Let yourself delight in it.Mini Retreat: Liberation through Deep RestI’m teaching a micro retreat that’s all about rest as a path to liberation. It’s online with New York insight, this Thursday December 18th, 6:30-8:30pm ET. Please join us! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe