What To Do When You’ve Just Discovered Your Husband’s Porn Habit

This week we’re hitting a very specific moment that is occurring in many marriages; that moment when you discover your husband’s porn habit. The revelation that your husband is addicted to some form of pornography is obviously a huge problem and a real shock to your marriage. But we're going to look at what the research says is the best way to deal with it in the immediate aftermath and how to look towards getting through it. We’re going to help you see what’s going on in his world, and then go through first steps towards recovery. We’ll be coming at that through two approaches: one if he is on board to get help and the other if he is in denial. One quick preparatory comment: we’re going to be using the word ‘addiction’ quite a bit in this episode. Researchers can debate the definition of this word and Christians even more so. I want to skip that discussion for now simply because this episode is for wives whose world has just come crashing down around them and a ten-minute theological diatribe is not going to be helpful. Discovering a porn addiction is an incredibly difficult thing to experience, often just as devastating as discovering an affair. Even if the problem is “just” online rather than in the real world, that same sense of betrayal, of being lied to, of a breakdown in trust, of repulsion, anger, and even fear are felt in response to this horrifying discovery. Wives may well wonder if their marriage can have a future after discovering that their trust has been violated on such a deep level for such a long period of time and angry thoughts of revenge are common. Defining Porn Addiction Let me give you a definition that can be used to help understand what’s going on for your husband and will give us a basis for what we need to go over today. I also want to say that while my main specialty is marriage therapy, my second most experienced area of work is with pornography recovery. Also, this problem, unfortunately, has been a part of the history of our marriage and so Verlynda and I will be drawing out on our own respective experiences too. Addiction is "when a person compulsively uses sex to alter his or her mood to produce pleasure and/or to provide an escape from internal discomfort and is employed [or, entrenched] in a pattern characterized by recurrent failure to control the behavior and continuation of the behavior despite significant negative consequences[i]". I like that definition for a few reasons: It identifies why your spouse is engaging in this behavior. Not for the purpose of justifying it but helping us to understand: he’s using porn to alter his mood and/or escape. This is important because there is a valid need and an invalid coping mechanism at play. Your husband has a desire to feel better or escape from the pressures of his life, which is normal but has turned to a very unhelpful way of meeting that need. If we want the invalid coping mechanism (the porn) to go away, we have to also take care of the valid need in a healthy way. It also points out the recurrent pattern: this could be daily, weekly, monthly, even quarterly. There’s a recurring pattern here. And it also highlights the fact that at some level, even on the verge of his awareness, he knows there are significant negative consequences to his behavior. Why doesn’t that stop him? That’s a separate discussion where we would have to look at addictive cycles and come back to that valid need. Keeping a Healthy Perspective If you’ve just discovered his porn addiction, it will probably be a real shock and there will be all kinds of feelings going through you. To help you get a handle on the situation there are a few things you need to know. The first is that you’re not alone. This is a profoundly common problem but also one that carries a lot of shame for both husbands and wives. Because of that, it doesn’t get talked about. Usually, couples that go through this go through it feeling very alone and without sharing it with others. Several years ago I hit the point where I was done with the lies and hiding this and I disclosed to Verlynda — she felt very alone. There’s that very real issue: who do you go to? On the one hand you need help and support. And on the other, you either don’t want everyone to think your husband is a freak or you feel like people are going to look at you like, wow, you must not have been giving him enough action. So it’s a very stuck place to be in. But: know that you are not alone. The second thing that’s important is to know that it’s not your fault. A study from 2012[ii] asked 171 people about porn habits and real-life sexual activity. The researcher found that satisfaction with real-life sex and relationships was NOT linked to porn use. So it’s normal for a wife to feel guilty or responsible, but the research shows that your husband’s addiction is NOT because you’re leaving him “unsatisfied”. I would totally agree with this and point out that wives often forget to consider that this is always (as far as I’ve ever seen) something that the husband has brought to the marriage. So this was a pre-existing problem, and also not one that you can or should try to solve by trying to compete with the porn problem. The third thing you should know is a little tricky to articulate because I don’t want to sound like I’m letting us guys off the hook. But the same researcher also found that sexual arousal from internet porn was found to reduce decision-making ability and to interfere with cognitive functioning. He may be aware of the negative consequences but if his cognition is impaired he doesn’t have full access to his decision-making ability. On top of this, the brain is definitely wired to reward short term gratification over long term satisfaction. I’m not saying this in his defense but just so you know that there are well established neural pathways here. And it’s going to take time for those pathways to break up and for new, healthier ones to form. This sucks. But it’s real. Fourthly, porn is going to change him and the way you interact. There’s a new dimension now that has become visible in your relationship. You may feel that your husband has changed in all kinds of ways, and women seeking help for their husbands often report the strongest reason to want help is that they feel they no longer recognize the person they are married to, and are "living with a stranger[iii]". Indeed, depression, change in sleeping habits, lack of intimacy, less interest in sex, irritability and defensiveness may all come into play. Just be prepared for this. On the flip side, having worked with people who have recovered, I think you should also know that the true, lovable, respectable version of the person you married is still in there. If he’s willing to work towards recovery and he’s being fully honest about his problems and his need for help then I sincerely believe that it is possible to get back to that person, not the addict you’re confronted with at the moment. I’ve seen this happen. Finally, he probably feels awful about it. Men struggling with porn addiction often feel high levels of "powerlessness, emptiness, hopelessness, depression, shame and guilt[iv]". Addiction can also lead to reduced feelings of intimacy with the real-life partner[v] and he may come to feel depressed or highly anxious about this. So bear this in mind when confronting him about it. On the other hand, if he’s only showing you anger and defensiveness, then these other feelings I would say are in there but are very much repressed. That’s why we have a section below on what to do if he’s in denial or refusing to get help. Whatever you do, don’t be accepting of his pornography problem. Pornography is evil and has nothing to add to your marriage. I know even some Christian podcasters take a more open approach but I have never found a reason to condone the use of pornography, even in a marriage where both spouses are accepting of it. Moral and biblical reasons aside, at the very least, it is profoundly degrading to the men and women who produce the material. It objectifies and violates their sanctity and dignity as humans. How to Talk to Your Husband about His Porn Addiction OK so we’ve given you a quick primer on the addiction and then talked about really holding onto a healthy perspective as you come to deal with this problem. Next, we’re going to talk about how to talk to your husband. There are two parts: one if he is on board and the other if he is not on board with getting help. In either case, these first discussions are very important. First Steps in Recovery for Cooperative Husbands Obviously having a discussion about pornography addiction is important. If your husband has already admitted that he has this issue and shown a genuine desire to be rid of it, that’s half the battle won already. But we are still potentially dealing with a brain-altering addiction and a long-standing habit here so helping your husband through recovery is going to be essential. If he has this stance that he wants to overcome his addition then you can focus on fighting the problem, not each other and developing a collaborative plan for dealing with the addiction. But I think it’s important that you understand as the wife that it’s not your role to manage his recovery. You may want to or even feel you need to because you feel that is how you’ll be safe. But you don’t want to end up in a codependency situation where you’re in charge of managing his morality and recovery. Ultimately, recovery from this addiction is his responsibility and he has to take ownership. There are a number of suggestions here, from my own experience as a counselor and from a study by Weeks[vi]. So the first part of this is to help your husband understand the problems that pornography creates. He needs to see your pain, to know your deep feelings of hurt and betrayal and to know that you are completely unwilling to integrat