Wheel of Misfortune: I’d Like to Solve the Pedophile

It’s Friday, freaks, and Tim returns from a routine physical looking like a bloodless, vaccine-filled cartoon character. He also celebrates learning that he can skip the colonoscopy and simply mail away a box of his own filth. What could possibly leak?Today’s show is dedicated to Brooke’s mother, Shauna—because nothing says “sorry I forgot Mother’s Day” like an episode featuring public masturbation, alleged pedophile chat rooms and a grown man calling Mommy during a traffic stop.Also on today’s show:• Tim considers adopting a sexier radio name after pondering the embarrassing origin of “Henson” and receiving unsettling photos from his high-school yearbook.• A heavily vaccinated trip to the doctor leaves Tim down several gallons of blood and questioning whether the flu shot gave him rabies.• An irate mother loses her mind after learning that her adult daughter plans to spend her own money on a trip to Bali.• A routine traffic stop turns into an increasingly disastrous police chase after a grown “bitch boy” calls his mother, refuses to leave his car and eventually admits that the suspicious smell wasn’t marijuana—it was heroin.• TLC’s Balen Out Loud heads to the altar for an extraordinarily vulgar Tourette’s wedding filled with romantic vows, obscene interruptions and a touching promise to “encourage your dick.”IN THE NEWS:Longtime Wheel of Fortune announcer Jim Thornton is fired after a fellow airline passenger allegedly photographs him spending nearly an hour inside an online support chat for people experiencing pedophilic thoughts. His attorney says he entered the site accidentally while searching for a suicide-prevention forum.A naked Florida woman is reportedly discovered masturbating on a wooden shipping pallet across from a busy construction site. Her explanation to police: She “just wanted to feel good.”️ The White House launches a collection of MAGA-themed retro video games allowing players to deport migrants, build a border wall, remove processed food from school lunches and fill children’s “Trump accounts.”PLUS:Patreon freak Lube Jobs brings horrifying news about Dhar Mann’s reported Disney deal, while Boneless Donuts recalls the moment a coworker finally explained his wildly antisemitic office impression.PROGRAMMING NOTE: Tim is taking Labor Day off! A Best Of episode will be posted Monday, with new DV returning Tuesday. Episodes may also begin appearing in your feed a little earlier than usual as Tim experiments with posting before midnight.Support the stupidity and unlock exclusive Sideshow episodes: https://www.distortedview.comPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/distortedviewEmail: [email protected] Voicemail: 206-666-4463 Follow: @distortedview