When Betrayal Breaks More Than Trust: How to Heal What the Relationship Broke

Betrayal doesn’t only break trust in another person; it can also rupture your trust in yourself. In this episode, Vanessa explores why betrayal can feel so psychologically disorganizing, especially when harm comes from someone or something that was supposed to feel safe. We talk about betrayal trauma, betrayal blindness, attachment injury, projection, reality testing, and why not every devastating feeling is the same kind of event. The deeper healing is not becoming harder or more armored, but learning how to grieve specifically, see more clearly, and trust yourself again.Reference Links: Jennifer Freyd — Betrayal Trauma TheoryUse for: Betrayal trauma theory; harm from someone or something a person depends on or trusts.Link: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.htmlNote: Freyd’s site defines betrayal trauma and includes betrayal blindness.Jennifer Freyd — Betrayal BlindnessUse for: Why people may not fully register betrayal when they depend on the person, institution, or system doing harm.Link: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.htmlNote: The site describes betrayal blindness as unawareness, not-knowing, and forgetting that can preserve relationships, institutions, or systems people depend on.Jennifer Freyd — Research OverviewUse for: General background on Freyd’s concepts, including betrayal trauma, betrayal blindness, DARVO, institutional betrayal, and institutional courage.Link: https://www.jjfreyd.com/about-researchNote: Helpful author/researcher page for show notes.Sue Johnson / Emotionally Focused Therapy — Attachment InjuryUse for: Attachment injury and emotionally focused therapy as a framework for repairing relational ruptures.Link: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/6644242_Resolving_Attachment_Injuries_in_Couples_Using_Emotionally_Focused_Therapy_Steps_Toward_Forgiveness_and_ReconciliationNote: Makinen and Johnson’s 2006 paper, Resolving Attachment Injuries in Couples Using Emotionally Focused Therapy.Emotionally Focused Therapy / Attachment-Based HealingUse for: Sue Johnson’s attachment-based framework for couples, emotional connection, and secure bonding.Link: https://psychwire.com/free-resources/q-and-a/17qfr27/emotionally-focused-therapy-and-attachment-based-healingNote: Accessible overview of Sue Johnson’s EFT frame.Peter Fonagy / MentalizationUse for: Mentalization as the capacity to understand behavior in terms of mental states: thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, intentions, and motivations.Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7009316/Note: This article gives a clear definition of mentalization and cites Fonagy/Bateman’s work.ScienceDirect — Mentalization OverviewUse for: Simple definition of mentalization as understanding one’s own and others’ behavior in terms of internal mental states.Link: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/mentalizationNote: Useful if producer wants a quick explanatory reference.John Gottman — Trust MetricUse for: Gottman’s idea that trust can be evaluated and is central to relationship stability.Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/Note: Gottman Institute article explaining the “trust metric.”John Gottman — Trust and Betrayal MetricsUse for: Trust/betrayal metrics and the idea that small everyday moments can build or erode trust.Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last-inside-the-love-lab/Note: Gottman Institute article referencing both trust and betrayal metrics.John Gottman — Building Trust Through AttunementUse for: Trust as built through awareness, tolerance, turning toward, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy.Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love/Note: Useful for the part of the episode about trust being built through consistency, attunement, and repair over time.John Bowlby / Attachment Theory OverviewUse for: Secure base, early bonds, and foundational attachment theory.Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4085672/Note: Broad overview of attachment theory and Bowlby/Ainsworth foundations.Earned Secure AttachmentUse for: Adults with insecure early attachment histories developing more secure attachment through reflective and relational work.Link: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/earned-secure-attachmentNote: Use as a broad reference for earned secure attachment. If producer needs a primary citation, ask for access to the Adult Attachment Interview / Mary Main literature.For educational purposes only. This isn’t therapy.If you want to go deeper, check out the written companion on Substack and explore community + training at https://www.vanessaBennett.com.Additional ResourcesExplore: VanessaBennett.comBook: The Motherhood MythCommunity: Inner Compass CollectiveTraining: Inner Compass AcademyConnect with Inner CompassFollow on InstagramConnect with Vanessa Bennett:Follow on InstagramFollow on TikTokLearn more on SubstackConnect with Vanessa Bennett on LinkedInSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.