When ‘Biblical Womanhood’ Makes Women Disappear: The Dangerous Message Behind Popular Marriage Teaching

Rhiannon Evangelista’s letter to Christianity Today cuts straight to the heart of evangelical Christianity’s most destructive contradiction. Writing about the gender gap in church attendance (young women leaving at higher rates than men), she asks a simple question that exposes years of subtle psychological manipulation: Why do churches tell young women that Jesus has “redeemed them completely” and “fully accepted them into his family,” then systematically exclude them from leadership roles based solely on their gender? “Is it any surprise some of them find this difficult to believe?” Evangelista writes, and honestly, the surprise would be if they didn’t find it impossible to reconcile. This is evangelical harm at its most sophisticated (and most damaging). It’s not the obvious stuff—no one’s telling women they can’t vote or drive. Instead, it’s wrapped in beautiful language about “God’s design” and “complementary roles” and “biblical womanhood.” It sounds loving, even empowering. Until you realize what it actually does to human beings. Here’s how the system works: Churches spend years telling girls they’re equal in God’s eyes, encouraging them to develop their gifts, celebrating their intelligence and leadership abilities. Youth groups are full of young women teaching, organizing, and leading. Then they hit adulthood and suddenly discover that most of those same gifts are now considered inappropriate for use in “professional ministry positions.” The psychological whiplash is devastating (and entirely by design). These women haven’t changed—their calling hasn’t disappeared, their abilities haven’t diminished. But they’re expected to believe that what felt like God’s leading for two decades was actually… what, exactly? A mistake? Preparation for supporting male leaders? A nice hobby until they get married and have “real” work to do? Let’s talk about what “complementarian” theology actually does to people. It tells women that their worth comes from being different from men, not from being human beings created in God’s image. It suggests that spiritual authority is somehow tied to anatomy (which, if you think about it for five seconds, is completely bizarre). Most insidiously, it creates a system where questioning these restrictions becomes evidence of spiritual rebellion rather than… you know, basic pattern recognition. The really clever part is how this gets packaged. Women aren’t told they’re less capable or less spiritual. Oh no, they’re told they’re so special and so important that they get the sacred role of supporting and submitting to male leadership. It’s not discrimination—it’s God’s beautiful design! (This is like telling someone they’re too valuable to receive equal pay and expecting them to feel honored.) Former evangelicals describe this as one of the most confusing aspects of leaving the faith: realizing that what they’d been taught was “biblical truth” about gender was actually just human tradition dressed up with scripture verses. The Bible they’d studied for years suddenly looked different when they stopped approaching it with the assumption that women were naturally unsuited for certain types of leadership. Churches wonder why young women are walking away? Maybe it’s because they’re tired of being told they bear the image of God while being treated like they bear a slightly defective version. Maybe they’re exhausted by the mental gymnastics required to believe they’re equal but not really equal. Maybe they’re done pretending that systematic exclusion based on gender is somehow evidence of God’s love. And here’s the thing that makes this particularly harmful: These women often blame themselves. They wonder if they’re being prideful or rebellious for wanting to use their gifts fully. They question whether they’re somehow spiritually deficient for feeling called to roles they’ve been told are off-limits. The system doesn’t just exclude them—it makes them feel guilty for noticing the exclusion. Evangelista’s observation reveals the inevitable endpoint of this theology: If your church can only offer full spiritual participation to half its members, don’t be shocked when the other half finds communities that actually mean what they say about equal dignity and worth. Young women aren’t leaving evangelicalism because they hate Jesus. They’re leaving because they’re tired of being told that following Jesus requires accepting second-class citizenship in his kingdom. Sources: Christianity Today