When Mental Illness Becomes an Excuse for Abuse

This month’s Patreon episode dives into a theme that kept surfacing in your questions: When does mental illness explain behavior… and when does it become an excuse?Before answering your submissions, I break down what we actually mean when we talk about pathological abuse — repeated patterns rooted in personality structure, not just “a bad fight” or poor communication. We explore coercive control, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, blame shifting, and the power imbalance that defines these dynamics.I also clarify the differences (and overlap) between borderline traits, narcissistic traits, and antisocial traits — and why the traits matter more than the label.Some of the questions I answer:• Was any of it real, or was I being used the entire time?• How do I tell the difference between borderline traits and sociopathy?• Why did they escalate when I got stronger?• When does mental illness stop being an explanation and start being an excuse?This is the Instagram video I reference: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DP8CTXVDQ11/?hl=enThis is the podcast I mentioned: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1916632/episodes/10257007This episode was originally recorded for my Patreon community, where I answer listener-submitted questions in a more direct, unfiltered way. I’m sharing it publicly because the themes felt too important to keep behind a paywall.Support the show*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your RelationshipWebsite: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.comInstagram: @emotionalabusecoachEmail: [email protected]{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner