When Self Reflection Becomes Self Sabotage

I’m baaaaackkkkkk. Took a couple weeks off, damn I sure needed it, and my goodness I missed this. So we’re not easing in. We’re going straight into it. Shame. How many of us have some…. By the way it’s your favorite blind authors birthday week, which always puts me in reflection mode. Looking back at the year, everything I did, everything I didn’t do, all of it. And it’s wild how fast that turns into thinking about everything I should’ve done better. Not the wins. Not the growth. Just the moments where I dropped the ball. Here’s the problem. Sitting there replaying it over and over feels like reflection, but it’s not. It’s just me being a jerk for no reason. I’m not fixing anything. I’m keeping a blend of shame and maybe even a little procrastination pity medley alive. Ew, I’m going to pinky promise not to keep falling for it. Hope you do too. Yeah, there are things I could’ve done better. That’s true. I avoided some things. I didn’t show up the way I could have in certain moments. But dragging myself for it doesn’t do anything. The only thing that actually matters is this. I didn’t know then what I know now. That’s it. Not that I was worse. Not that I wasn’t enough. I just didn’t have the version of myself I have now. So of course I’d do things differently. What doesn’t make sense is expecting past me to have the clarity I have now. And yeah, there are things I wish I handled differently. But also, look at what did happen. Six months of Written Identity. Over 200 people inside the Village. Amazing people showing up all over the world. Skipping over that just because some shame goblin wants to focus on what went wrong. Nahh Own the things you already know are true. I didn’t show up the way I could have. I avoided that. Pretending things were comfortable when I knew better. I also did amazing things. So I dare you to write at least one uncomfortable true sentence, then let it be just that, information without shame. Write it - or - just say it. No overthinking it. A couple honest words. No turning it into something bigger than it is. Allow yourself to move forward as the current version of you and keep going. Next episode we’re getting into boundaries. Because a lot of this comes back to what you didn’t say, what you didn’t hold, and then you end up replaying it later. Thanks for hanging in there as I shake the dust of my microphone, can’t wait to chat again soon. -Alli G. Get full access to Alli Gatlin | The Written Identity at alligatlin.substack.com/subscribe