When to Leave (or Stay In) an Abusive Marriage [3 of 3]

Today’s episode is twice the challenge: we’re dealing with the difficult subject of abuse in marriage but we’re also talking about when to leave a marriage too, which, under normal circumstances, is contrary to our personal values and our mission to help save marriages. So read carefully and thoughtfully as we navigate this very difficult topic. Today we’re going to be guiding you through this subject of when to leave or stay in an abusive marriage. If you missed last weeks’ post we discussed trajectories of healing and recovery for abusive marriages. You’ll definitely want to check that out for some background to today’s episode if this is the first time you’re listening in Also, make sure you hit the subscribe button so you don’t miss any upcoming shows from us. Let’s get into this topic by starting with our values and then going to some really interesting research. I think the most important thing we need to keep in front of us and for our readers to bear in mind is the context in which we are writing. We are sitting here in Florida writing this from our travel trailer. But when we publish this episode it will be available in over 100 countries and will be downloaded thousands and thousands of times. We have people of all faith backgrounds that read our posts. And even when most of our readers are evangelical Christians we have a spectrum of opinions on the subjects of separation, divorce and remarriage. Rather than going into a huge sidebar on that I’m just going to say this. Our mission is to save marriages — we want to reach and influence as many marriages as possible. We hope your marriages never comes under this kind of strain and believe that no marriage is beyond recovery. We have written previously about certain exceptions to this and whether genuine ultimatums are ever justifiable in marriage, and while we still believe that separation is not the ideal from a Christian standpoint, when we talk about abusive marriages we are dealing with a whole different ball game. You may well have your own opinions on whether divorce is ever acceptable. I would just ask that if you are not in an abusive marriage and if you have never been close to someone who is on the victim side of that relationship, that you suspend judgment until you hear some of their stories and experiences. On the other end of the spectrum, we will have women listening to this who are facing another beating today. In this very moment, they are afraid — possibly even for their lives. So we have this wide audience reading but we really want to speak to those of you who are in an abusive marriage and are trying to figure out what your next step is and are maybe even afraid for your life, certainly for your wellbeing and possibly that of your children also. Should I Leave My Abusive Marriage? Let’s start with a very interesting study from 2007[i] where the researchers collected data from over 400 women who were seeking help due to being in a violent relationship. They interviewed these women every 3 months for the next year. These women had four patterns of relationship that the researchers identified Completely apart: the women remained uninvolved with their partner from the second interview to the end of the study Together then apart: women who were “in” the relationship with this partner for at least one-time point [during the first 6 months of the study] but were “out” of the relationship [during] the last 6 months of the study Fluid: women who were involved with their partner for at least a one-time point [during]…the last 6 months of the study, but were “out” of the relationship for at least a one-time point between the second interview and the end of the study. Completely together: women who remained involved with their partner for the entire study Where this study is helpful is it showed how women fare in an abusive relationship based on their decisions to stay, leave or live out some combination of the two. Women who left an abusive relationship and did not come back at any point showed “marginally significant higher quality of life score” than women who stayed or went back and forth. That’s interesting. Leaving may not be your ticket to happiness. It may be your ticket to safety and survival, which is important! But in terms of happiness and quality of life the decision to leave an abusive marriage might not be as beneficial as you’d imagine. Let’s keep going… When it came to experiences of violence: women who remained completely apart experienced the least amount of violence. Women who remained completely together experienced the second least amount of violence, followed by women who were together and then apart, and women who were fluid in their relationship status over time Conclusion: decisiveness in decision making appears to be helpful. Coming and going due to indecisiveness appears to expose you to greater levels of violence. In a way this makes sense– this constant back and forth of breaking up and returning would create a very unstable relationship where tempers run high whereas staying in the marriages at least creates some stability. Additionally, women who remained completely apart from their abusive partner also “reported the lowest rates… of psychological abuse and stalking at the final interview.” Women who remained completely together with their partner experienced the second lowest rates of psychological abuse and stalking. They experienced significantly more psychological abuse than those who completely left their marriages but the differences in physical abuse and stalking were not found to be significant. In other words, although women who remained with their partner did experience more physical abuse, psychological abuse, and stalking than women completely left their partner, in most cases this difference was small and not significant. It was only a significant difference when it came to psychological abuse. When it came to all three forms of violence – physical, psychological, and stalking –“fluid women fared the worst of the four groups…suggesting that women who leave and then return experience more abuse than women who never leave at all.” So I think there are three takeaways to put this all together: It appears that leaving appears to be the most effective in preventing re-abuse (1 year later) when it occurs relatively soon after a given incident of violence and is sustained for an extended period of time[ii] The authors concluded that “How women leave an abusive relationship is more important than whether they leave”[iii]. The reason for this conclusion was the small difference in outcomes for women who completely stayed and women who completely left compared to the more negative outcomes for women who were back and forth in their decision making. It appears that it is more helpful to have certainty about your decision– definitively leaving or staying produce the best outcomes but going back and forth between the two only makes things worse[iv]. Obviously choosing whether to stay in an abusive marriage is a huge decision and some level of doubt and uncertainty is completely understandable. But the research shows that you should avoid acting until you’re totally sure what you want to do, and then stick to that decision. So conclusively leaving or staying in your abusive marriage are both better than moving from one to the other. Now let’s look at some reasons for and against leaving. Deciding to Leave When reviewing the literature, Koepsell and Kernick (2006)[v] list the following as reasons why women stated they chose to leave an abusive relationship (these aren’t qualified as marriage relationships…they may be common law or other forms of cohabitation): A low commitment to the relationship Financial independence apart from the husband A greater frequency and severity of abuse The presence of children and the potential for children to be abused. So these are factors that women consider. The first two points show that if you just aren’t all that invested or committed to your relationship and it becomes abusive then leaving seems the obvious choice. But I think the most significant factors are safety issues. And as you consider your situation, we have to ask: could your husband’s abuse toward you turn lethal? Is your life in danger? Are you at risk for severe bodily harm? What about your children? It’s hard to know the answer to these questions sometimes. So I want to bring in a study here from 2014[vi] that looked at risk factors for lethal violence. Again, keep in mind that for women in this situation it is often very disorientating so I hope that these factors help you gain some perspective on the relative severity of your position. You experience and increased level of fear towards your spouse. If you fear your spouse, you are at greater risk of lethal violence. The fear itself affects your ability to change your situation and increases your risk for lethal violence[vii]. If you feel fear — that may be an indication it’s time to begin safety planning. You have been using drugs or alcohol to cope with the abuse. A greater proportion of women in the high-risk category for lethal violence use drugs or alcohol. So if it’s gotten bad enough that you’re finding yourself resorting to these coping mechanisms, that’s another signal that you may be in a severe situation You have been diagnosed with depression or PTSD. There’s another correlation here. You have sought out domestic violence resources. Now: this isn’t saying that you should not seek out these resources. It’s just saying that if you have sought them out this is another indicator that you may be in a high-risk situation. Here’s a direct quote from these researchers: “In comparison to the low-risk-for-lethal-violence group, a higher proportion of women in the high-risk group reported using domestic violence resources[viii]