Who Gon’ Be The Women

Perpetual girlhood has taken over so who gon’ be the women? There used to be a time where saying “I’m a grown ass woman!”, was a milestone and you couldn’t wait to get there. Now though, not so much. We are living through the cultural phenomenon of girlhood being the pinnacle of female existence. To which I ask, why? How? Well I think it’s multi-layered and we’re gonna talk about it. First let me say that as a 45 year old woman, in my experience, your brain doesn’t necessarily stop seeing yourself as youthful. You know the saying, “You’re only as old as you feel?” Well I still FEEL like my 27 year old self. In that vein I still value a youthful appearance and a jubilant attitude which is mostly associated with youth. But my life experience would say otherwise. I am in fact a grown ass woman. Motherhood and 2 marriages later I can definitively say that I am no longer the 27 year old YOUNG woman that my first mind tells me that I am. Having a 16 year old daughter has raised my awareness to the question of what separates the girls from the women? From the girly aesthetic to the girl-ish hobbies to the lack of emotional evolution in the name of healing the inner child, we are stuck in perpetual girlhood. The things that used to define womanhood have disappeared and we’ve collectively decided that “I’m just a girl.”I’M JUST A GIRLThe rituals that used to separate the girls from the women are now viewed as antiquated relics from the past that have no value in modern society. But I say we NEED those definitive markers of transition from one stage of adulthood to the next so that as a person you can continue to evolve. In the west, traditions like the “Sweet 16” celebration marks the end of childhood into teenage years, or the debutante ball or cotillion marking a girl’s entrance into womanhood and readiness to date are examples of a girl’s transition from girlhood to young womanhood. In every culture there is some tradition that marks the end of one era and the beginning of another. The Sudanese have smoke baths (al-dukkhan), scrubs (al-dilka), henna, all rituals for women (not girls), the practice of veiling in the Islamic world, Lebollo la Basadi, a rights of passage for Basotho girls marking transition to womanhood, still practiced in certain provinces. I could go on and on but you get the point. We used to have rituaaaaals! Which brings me to the idea that our lack of clear transition markers into womanhood is what has in part led to the enmeshment of girlhood into adulthood and as a result…arrested development. We’ve become so consumed with being desirable (which is associated with youth) and healing our inner child that we miss the opportunity to GROW into a more evolved version of ourselves. Instead we stay in a cycle of chasing youth in every way and also overly “protecting our peace” so much so that we become mentally and emotionally stagnant. If we never allow ourselves to look more mature we will never experience the evolution of our own self perception. In turn, we don’t allow ourselves to move from a space of being desirable as a young woman to being more revered and respected as we age. With the absence of aging, as a society we loose that energy of the matriarch. I don’t have a crystal ball but I can totally see this phenomenon turning into lack of care and responsibility for women elders in the future. As someone who has a mother who’s almost 70, I can tell you that caring for the elders is a REAL thing. And we THINK we can pay our way into sincere, loving care as we age but nobody is going to take care of you in old age like your loved ones. So then I ask….who gon’ be the elders? In terms of emotional and mental evolution, if our main concern is healing our inner child and labeling every idiosyncrasy we have, do we even give ourselves a chance to evolve into a more healed version of ourselves? More mature. More rooted in who we really are. Or are we just coddling the results of our emotional trauma to avoid acknowledgment, confrontation and more importantly, the WORK. Because if every time an interpersonal relationship doesn’t pan out the way I expect or I don’t get the results I’d hoped for in my life, I can slap a label on myself or on the other person and excuse myself or them. I never have to take full accountability for my own situation. I’m just slapping a label on an impermanent condition and making it permanent. Also I can cower or avoid or cry about it and not become solution oriented and use it and an opportunity to actually grow. Girls throw tantrums. Women look in the mirror and ask what part did I play, am I being honest with myself, how can I do better? This goes for family, romantic and work relationships. Arrested development is how we end up with middle-aged mean girls. Arrested development is how we end up with all these “attachment styles” instead of truths like, he’s just not that into you, or I’m not a good friend which is why my friendships are the way they are or even I don’t have HEALTHY boundaries so I get burnt out often. Becoming a woman allows you to become MORE of yourself not a relic of your past. Being a woman is not for the weak. Womanhood is beautiful in all its stages. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com