Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, designed to help bring those four key Stoic virtues, courage, discipline, justice, and wisdom into the real world. Hey, it's Ryan. Welcome to another episode of the Daily Stoic Podcast. You know, it's hard to put stuff out in the world, right?
You work really hard on something, and then you put it out there, and then other people get a say, right? They decide whether they're going to laugh at the joke or not. They decide whether they're going to buy the thing you're selling or not. They decide whether to vote for you.
And that's really hard, right? In a way, it challenges one of the most important principles and stoiches, which is to not care about things that are not in your control. And that is outside your control. And yet, you can't do your job well or be compensated for that job if you can't figure out a way to both care and not care.
I don't know. It's a challenge. So when I had Bert Kreischer on the podcast, this is one of the things we talked about because his new show, Free Bert, had just come out. Like, I heard him walking.
I was sitting in the back of the studio working on something. I heard him come in, and he was just hearing from people on his team about where it had landed, like how it was doing on Netflix, because Netflix in real time is showing what the most popular stuff is, right? In some ways, Netflix is a black box. I don't tell you exactly how many downloads or how something's doing.
Like with Amazon, you know, there's a ranking, and you obviously want to do well on that ranking. It's really challenging, right? It makes you vulnerable. Even if you think what you did is awesome, well, now there's a big thumbs up or big thumbs down telling you whether that's true or not.
So that was something we talked about on the episode. This is part two, and he had just found out that he had debuted at number two, which was well deserved because it's a great show. Samantha and I watched all six episodes. I thought it was really funny.
And in part two of my interview with Bert, we talk about why he wants a Seneca in his life, his definition of success, his current sobriety. And as we were just talking about not letting other people's opinions determine you were mood or your sense of whether you did a good job or not. And of course, he tells some insane stories. If you didn't listen to part one, you should.
You could start with that. But Bert Christ, there's a stand-up comedian and actor. He's the host of Two Bears, One Cave. You can watch his movie, The Machine on Netflix, and then his new show, Free Bert.
He is a touring stand-up comic who sells out arenas all over the world. Not only was Bert hilarious, but he was super nice. He invited everyone on the daily stoic and painted porch team to come see a show a bunch of people went. And they said it was hilarious.
He let them come back stage after, invited them to the after party. I had to leave to go pick up my son from school right after the interview. And he shot the show with Samantha and everyone. He was like, you got to talk to my wife and the next time you know she's FaceTiming with Leanne.
He is just incredibly sweet and kind human being. I asked Whitney Cummings when I should ask Bert. And she just said, like, Bert's got it all figured out. He's just winning.
Not just he's successful, but he is in a loving marriage and has a great relationship with his kids. She's like, he did it. That was totally the vibe I got. I think that's the vibe you're going to get.
Even if you're not a fan of his comedy, I think you're really going to like this episode. Because you just get a glimpse into who he is. And I like what I saw. You can follow Bert on all platforms at Bert Christ shirt.
You can watch Free Bert on Netflix. And I hope you like this episode. Enjoy. Well, how do we get Seneca's in our lives?
Like how do you advise her? I would love a vibe. I would love. Like right now I got a personal trainer and assistant.
Okay. And all we do is giggle and just fuck around. But I would love like a 70 year old man. I was thinking about this like I'm not like an addict.
I have some addictive tendency. But I was like, I'm really jealous of people who are in recovery who have sponsors. Like someone you call before you do something dumb, you know, or just like, I mean, I just had a shitty day and thinking about it would be wonderful to have a sponsor. That should be a concept we have.
I mean, ideally your parents are this or your grandparents are this, but not everyone gets that deck of cards. At a certain point is like, you know, they can't understand because you're doing dealing with things that they've never dealt with. I'm always jealous of people that are going to rehab. I would love to be on rehab just three months ago.
I can't do my shit going on. Maybe that's your addiction. The work. Yeah.
You can't take. I think about this. I did a thing once I went to rehab, but it is a rehab. They have a thing you go for like a week and you just work on all this stuff.
You go through the program, but it's not the addictive part. And it was just like the amount of work I had to do to get seven days in a row off my schedule was like, Oh, I do have a problem. Like, you know, it's like what? Because it's something that's like, you have all the success.
You have money, you have theoretically you have power or, and then you're like, but actually you have no power because your calendar isn't charged. I'm on the road for 25 days straight, like every day for 25 days straight. And then I'm on the road touring for nine weeks straight. And I only have like a couple days here and there to get back.
And a lot of times like this week, I'm just going to drive to Alabama because I'm like, you know, screw it. It's easier to stay in the bus than to fly home on Sunday or fly home Monday to come home to go back on the road Wednesday. Like, it doesn't make sense. Yeah.
And your kids are out of the house. My kids are in college and it's just me and my wife. But at the same time I go, like I had a buddy that went to rehab and it was like perfect timing. I was so great.
And he came back and he was so grounded. I was talking to Matt Berninger that he's the lead singer of the national. And he was saying like, you know, you think like a week will be a vacation. And then he was like, it was only in the pandemic where it was like, he started calming down like six months in.
Yeah. Like you think you think you can get restored or relaxed or back, you know, with taking a couple days off and then you're not even close. You haven't even you haven't even begun to start winding down. I remember on the ride back from the pandemic, we were in New Orleans and we were driving back and I'd said I'd been in DC the weekend before and I was like to go into the lockdowns.
We were in DC. We were doing DC Boston dot dot dot and then we went to New Orleans and in DC, I was partying in the mornings doing a radio show and I knew I was partying that night and I knew that we were going out and we were pulling all night and going to Boston. And then I said casually to my, you know, laying in my bus. I was like, I was like, God, I need like a break.
Like if you can give me like just, I don't know how it's going to happen. And I'd said, like, give me a TV show or something or like a movie or something to slow me down because the road's killing me. And then the next weekend, the pandemic hit and they're like, yeah, you got to drive back to LA and on the ride back, I was like, I'm going to stop drinking. When I get home, I'm not drinking through this as long as this last, I didn't know it was going to be that long.
Seven days in, I've never to this day done this. Seven days in, I fell asleep in a hammock and I in my backyard in a hammock and I woke up and I went and I had many thoughts, many fears. I didn't have like, oh, I'm late for this. It was the craziest fucking feeling.
I know. But anytime I quit drinking, like I'm not drinking now and anytime I quit drinking, I literally am like amazed at how easier life is. Sure. Like I went to bed the other night, I'd press at like six in the morning and I'm in New York in the national championships game is all and it's a great one.
And it's now midnight, 1230. I'm like, God dang it. I'm drinking brain in my head. And I'm like, I'm going to be a mess tomorrow.
I go to sleep, wake up at six. And I was like, I feel great. Right. I was like, wow, this is, why do I, you know, and then I have dreams about drinking and then I'm going to be hung over and then I wake up and I'm like, ah, that was a dream.
Actually, okay, look, I got to still a quote that released this. I wanted to give you this quote. You tell me what you think of it. Okay.
If you accomplish something good with hard work, the labor passes quickly, but the good enders, if you do something shameful in the pursuit of pleasure, the pleasure passes quickly, but the shame enders. Oh, I just think about Jackshacks. I'm like, you know, like a massage parlor. I had a friend who was married and that kid and he was addicted to Jackshacks.
Jesus. And he was like, he was crazy. Like all the feelings going in are so great. And it's like my heart's racing in this and that.
And then the second I come, I am filled with shame and I'm like, so I don't go. We think about like, it's going to be fun to go out drinking. And so that's like the pleasure part. And then it's like the hangover the next day, that's a different person.
Like it's not all part of the same. Like if you had to take the pleasure and then you put the afterward feeling on top, it's like, oh, this probably isn't worth it. But when you separate the two, you're able to rationalize it yourself. No, not me.
So, okay. So I'll tell you the difference I have. So I'm very punitive. Okay.
So, and I love to close the bar of fucking 330 in New York City. I love to close the bar of 430 and see the lights start to change up in the sky. I love that feeling. I love that.
I love that. I'm worse than I am. I'm serious. I don't even want to be up till midnight.
Okay. I love the feeling of getting after it. I love when someone goes, are you going to have one more and then you go, yeah, or when you get there and like, do you want to drink and then you watch the room crumble and everyone's like, are you going to get one and then you start seeing everyone's, I'll get one. And then you get lit.
I love that feeling. Now here's the problem with me. And this is, I think, I know for a fact what I'm dealing with in my head right now, because this sobriety is very different than any sobriety. It is a health induced sobriety.
It is like, yo, we had a health scare. You got to be on these pills and you can't drink on these pills. And for six months. And so I had to look at that as a very different beast.
Usually I get sober for a month and I'm like, great, I feel great. Let's get back after it. Three months, great. Let's get out.
You know, so I had to think more long term about this, but the problem is I love closing it down. I'm not a little hungover with my brain thing. A little sideways is why I had a problem with the right. I mean, I quote is a little sideways getting a cup of coffee, getting in the gym, murdering at the gym at like eight a.m.
10 a.m. And then that endorphin rush that I have through the whole day is crazy. The problem is if I get rid of any part, it's not that morning tax that everyone feels like they pay and it's not that I'm out too late. They pay it would be five o'clock when I call the witching hour at five o'clock the next day or the in between days, every day at five o'clock.
I have this feeling of like, it's almost like a hopeful like, what do we do tonight? Where's where's the adventure at tonight? What? I'm gonna drink like that energy of five o'clock.
Usually when I'm not drinking, I just am very mindful of busying myself in the witching hour. Yeah. So stand up is really great. Like if I do stand up, I don't drink.
I would never drink until nine 30 at night. Yeah. But that witching hour, that's where it's tough for me. Waking up, I have no problem making up hungover.
As a matter of fact, I would argue with my superpower is that I can wake up hungovers. Fuck go to the gym, kill it. I mean, kill it. And then after I do the endorphins that hit me, cold punch sauna are like through the roof.
I feel better after that than I do waking up sober. That's the truth. Like, so if you woke up, your stone cold sober, you work out, you do all this stuff, you have a great creative. You think you're worse off if you haven't drank.
Sometimes you wake up when you don't drink and you didn't sleep well, but you have no excuse. Right. And you're tired, but there's no reason you're tired. And then you're like, all right, let's just start.
And then if you're on blood, then there's no respect to coffee. So you're like, I guess I don't get coffee. Right. I will tell you the one difference.
And I'm journaling about this now. I started my 53, I decided I would journal because I wanted to have more original thoughts. Yeah. I woke up national championship, six 30 call time.
I woke up a little early and I was going to go work out. And I went to the gym. I was very tired and I was at the gym and I was like, I feel good, but I'm like, I don't want to work out. I go to the gym and it's packed.
It's fucking 20 degrees in New York. And then I started going for a walk in Central Park. Here's the difference. And I saw this when you're sober and you've been sober for a week, couple weeks, a few weeks, the blinders open up.
Yeah. When you're hungover, you do get blinders. Yeah. I watched to do with blinders just smoking a cigarette, trying to get his dog to take a shit in the snow.
And he's like, and you can tell his world was right here. He had been out all night. He was like, come on, booty. Let's go.
He's like, oh, shit. Already. All right. And he's smoking a cigarette and he's cold.
He doesn't have gloves on. No coffee yet. And he's like, God damn it. And he just wants to go back to bed because his blinders are here.
And I'm sober. I feel great. I got a new lease on life. I'm healthier right now.
And all of a sudden my blinders are out here and I'm seeing the trees and I'm seeing the rocks and I'm going, like, I'm shooting like videos to my daughters. I'm sending videos to my daughters about like, yo, I just want you to know how happy I am. That seems better. It is better.
But you know, I mean, you look at like people with depression and you're like, they're not drinking. Maybe they are. You know, where you eat bad and then you work out. My sister called it hypo gym nazia.
She's like, you go to the gym too much. You're going to the gym because you don't punish yourself as much. You don't have to work out as hard. Yes.
And I was like, yeah, but I don't think so. I work out as hard as I do on over. Sure. Yeah.
So maybe you it's like that little bit of shame is kind of like an edge for you and it makes you feel a little bit alive. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
There's nothing like getting up and going like you piece of shit. You earned this. You wanted to be out last night? You earned this.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You want to be the funny boy. And I was like, oh, I've got a fucking joke. You get in the gym.
You sweat this out. And at first second, you feel sweat. I like that feeling where it's like right before you sweat and you feel like you're like a little bell clogged up. And then it breaks.
It breaks dude. I hate stretching and I will, I will lean into a stretch and go like we do shoulder taps every morning and I'm doing shoulder taps going like this, going like if I go slower, this sweat starts sooner. Yeah. And I love that feeling of the first sweat and I love my favorite feeling of any workout is when you finish and you lay it on the floor and you just I love that feeling.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went to the gym yesterday.
I don't do a lot of gym stuff. I usually just run or swim. feeling or I'm not like even. I don't know if you use my kicks in so best.
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Yeah, usually read before bed. Really? Like, like, I'm an engineer. The show just came out of most trying to talk to me.
I know that feeling very I was going to ask you about that. Like, you know that feeling I think about it's positive and negative. It's like you have a day where you crush it or the day that's bad. I try to go like, am I going to waste this entire day, either like doom scrolling or celebrating or am I going to tune it out and just like for book publishing, the sales are basically Sunday to Sunday, but then you don't find out whether you hit the New York Times listen to Wednesday.
And so I go like, I'm not going to fucking waste Wednesday or to you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to I'm not going to have an unproductive day because I'm waiting around for news or I get the news and then I spend all day celebrating or I get the bad news and I spend all day like, you know, how the fuck you know, that's really funny. I was thinking about that because I was like, what's Mars is going to be a good airbag day about saying about that last night. Yeah.
And I'm listening to you talking about stoicism and then this stoicism conversation. I heard the boxers stopped 11 hours. Yes. And 11 hours right before it's fight and they slept four hours before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have played Patterson. Yes. And I know that it like probably what three in the morning Netflix will get numbers for the morning, five in the morning, like six in the morning, whenever they get numbers and I know that they're going to text me.
Yeah. Not numbers, but they're going to text me where I land on the chart and I was in my head. I was like, I'm doing negotiations in my head. I'm like, all right, if if we get to the top 10 breaks top 10 trending, that's a win.
That's just leave it at that. That's a win. I was like, don't think like that. It's going to get in the top 10.
Right. So I'm like, okay, stop. So it's not going to be number one. We get that.
But like, where are we going to go? I guess number six, that's a win. I go, I think that's a number like four. I mean, look, it's got America's Got Talent or whatever the big star searches came out.
All right. Stop all this. I'm gonna since I go to the stove. It just goes to bed.
Yeah. And the story doesn't worry about it. One of my proudest accomplishments is not the first time I hit number one on New York Times. I remember I was in LA doing press.
This is when still this was coming out. I was staying at the Washington National Athletic Club, which is one of my favorite places in the stack because they have this amazing swimming pool and I get up because it's West Coast. So I get up even though I'm getting up early. They have the news and I can see there's just like, you know, my alarm goes on my phone.
I can see just a bunch of texts and I go, okay, so this is either good news or bad news, right? It's my agent. It's amazing. We're like, don't worry about it.
You just go, you know, like it's about the, it's about the marathon. It's a marathon. Not a sprint. Yeah.
And I was like, you know what? I was like, I'm gonna, I was like, I'm gonna wake up. I'm gonna go swimming. I'm gonna do my journal.
This is crazy talk to me. Keep going. I was like, I'm gonna do my normal routine as if I don't like news good or bad. I'm gonna do the routine and then have a good morning.
And then that way, whether the news is good or bad, I've had a good morning and I'm like prouder of the discipline to do that than the discipline to it. That was my first time in number one. So the news was good, but I'm actually like, I think back, I was like, when I think back up whether I'm a person who's capable of delaying gratification or like exhibiting some self, self control, if that I looked at my phone knew it was news I wanted and then made a good healthy decision instead of deciding to blow up my day right there. Okay.
I'll give you the exact opposite. Okay. So I woke up at six o'clock this morning and I just woke up naturally like, like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom. I go to the bathroom and I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I go to the bathroom. I go to the bathroom. I get back and bed. I'm still really tired.
I'm gonna go to sleep. I know I got no way they got numbers yet because I'm thinking LA. So we're gonna sleep, I wake up at like eight. Now I know that sometimes when you're in LA, the numbers, you don't get like answers until later in the morning.
Like nine o'clock this is usually where I get it at in LA. And I go, don't look at Netflix. And then I was like, well, who doesn't look at Netflix? I was like, wait, the answer is there.
Are you afraid of the answer? Why don't you find out your truth now? And I go, but don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Don't close it. I closed it. And then I was like, I was like, hold on.
Okay, let's just go to the login page and see a free bird on the login page. Like your names are. So I go and it's fucking goddamn my caps. And I'm like fucking shit.
Okay. So I go, all right. We didn't have a good day. I would be on that on the login, meaning not the, what I'm saying, all your accounts are.
So I go, no, no, no. And so I go to my texts and I got like four texts. I go, okay. All right.
No one's up. I get it. And then and then one of the texts is a group text. I go, a name who works at Netflix and I go.
It must be from last night. Yeah. Like it must be from late last night. Like I can congratulate.
We were in a group text with all the Netflix people. And so I click it and it's a screen grab of the top ten trending and it's in free bird's number two, which I was like, if I get it, then you expect it wildly, like beyond my imagination, better. And then I'm like, and then I read the text and like congrats fucking dot dot all these great things. And then I go, great.
And then I go, yeah, thank God. I go to Netflix. I look at Netflix. I see it and I see the, me on the front page and it's like top ten trending.
And I'm like, oh, he's nice. And then I'm like, it's almost like I got, I'm, this, I apologize to your listeners. I sometimes tell a story to explain a story and it's so not helpful. I was in Naples, Florida one time and I got out of a Starbucks and, and I heard a crash.
My glasses had been fogged over because of the cold and hot and I heard a crash. I thought a transformer exploded and there was a French guy walking towards me and he goes, you are a lucky guy. And I went, no, yeah. And I thought he just knew me.
I was like, I'm just like, yeah. Yeah. And then he goes, one inch, you're dead. And I went, yeah, one inch and I'm dead.
And I was like, huh? And as you walk by, I turn around and a huge pom-fron, like a 400 pound pom-pom had landed at my heels and it, and it just missed my head. And I realized had I not stopped and I not moved forward or I stopped a foot earlier to clean my glasses and I stopped a foot later, I'd be dead or very badly injured. And I said, wow, I have a second chance at life.
And I wish that lasted longer than 30 minutes. Yeah. And so, and so as today I get that news, I go, that's great. And I don't realize, Hey, Bert, let's take this good news and figure out how we would have worked out if it had not been good.
And let's work on that side of you because also you will get bad news one day and that bad news would have ruined, I would be a much different interview today had I not gotten that and it's so crazy. I have no control over that. And as we talk about snow, as I go, I'm sure there's times George Washington was like, that's not the turn out. I wanted God dammit, bunker, hill or whatever.
You know, no, he fought. He lost like a lot of battles in the Revolutionary War, like way more than he went. And I bet he fucking journaled the next morning and it was like, God dammit, Martha, this isn't what I thought was going to happen. My teeth hurt like I'm fucking getting fucking the ass left and right by these.
And then I just go like, instead of going like, it's almost like the gratitude disappears and I don't I don't have full grasp of how much that should mean to me. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah.
I think there's a couple things there. Number one, it's like, if you can get good at not seeking out or being so dependent on the good news, it means you're also going to be not so wrecked and vulnerable to the bad news, which is inevitable. Okay. So can you work it backwards forwards?
Can I work it where I want to start with not getting right by bad news? Yeah. That's a better place to start, right? And then have it help me with not getting not getting and working with the good news because the bad news will defeat me.
I have one day in particular that I remember reading something a guy posted and it was like, I was just like, like you said, I hit a post and I go, wow, 98,000 likes. And I go, oh, let's see what the big boy is doing today. And then you hit comments and the first one's fucking horrible, 148 replies, all defending me. But that first one hits me and I walk through my backyard, which is beautiful.
I mean, out of all the things better than you could have ever dreamed of getting in your life. I will say that in my life, I wanted yards. I want space. I want yards and I laid it hard to come by and we've got so lucky with this house that we have such a spectacular backyard that I had to stop doing the podcast at my house because people come to my backyard and go, what the fuck?
And I was like, and it started making me self-conscious. But this backyard that I love and I love walking through the grass under the huge trees in my backyard in LA. I love walking that long walk to my gym and I was, as I was walking it, I was just couldn't appreciate my backyard for this comment. And I thought, I really thought on the treadmill and I go, I can't, that's the day I literally had to stop reading all comments because I said, I cannot allow someone who doesn't know me and absolutely doesn't like me, but doesn't know me and doesn't like me for whatever reason is internally has to be theirs.
I can't have them own a day of mine. And then I, they have real estate in my head and I no longer get to enjoy my day. When I've, I deserve to, everyone deserves to enjoy their day. Of course.
I listen, I get it, I'm putting myself out here and there are people that won't like this. You talk too much. Why don't you talk more about so great or whatever? And then, we're talking to these.
And so sorry, it's a 10 mil. But like, I understand that I put myself out and I understand that if you're listening, you're allowed to hate me. Sure. You're allowed to live your life and like your life.
You just have to figure out a way to do that. Everyone does. That isn't dependent on what other people say. And that's, I think that's the work of it.
I try like, here's what I would say. Like, let's say you were sitting here on your show. It was at number 22 because I don't know, something else happened, right? Here's what I would walk through.
I'd be like, did you like the show? Yes. I'm very proud of it. Did you have fun making it?
I loved it. Did you get better making it? Yes. By the end, I'm such a better actor.
Does it say what you set out to say? Yes. Well, okay. That's complicated.
Yes. A lot of what you want to say. I want, yes. 100% 100% and then did you make some money on it?
Yeah. Like you're going down the way like whether people like it or not is like the 15th layer of success. You know what I mean? Like what I try to do on my books and I'll give you a thing afterwards that where it's a little bit of the downside to it.
But like, I try to go like, Hey, I already, I already fucking won. I like first off I get to do my dream. So that's a win. Second, like I challenge myself on the project.
I got better. By the way, the way advances work. I'm already in the money, right? And I said what I wanted to say, you know, I had fun while I was doing blah, blah, blah.
Like I already got 95% of what I'm going to ring out of this thing, you know, like now if it happens to become a flywheel and it's spinning off royalties, that's extra. And if people, if it's winning awards and people are saying they like it and it helps them again, that's all extra. But I already got most of what I could ever expect to get out of it. And I got all the parts out of it that were in my control, right?
Like you don't control where they do is you don't control what people say about it. So like if you're a version of, if your definition of your definition of success for a project, is it largely based on the parts of it that are up to you? Or is it largely based on the parts that are up to other people? To me, that's what you want to think about.
Okay. Well, that's really tough. That's really tough because I will say as a stand up comedian, my success is entirely based on their response. So like I can't go, but I did great.
They just, you know, I got the money. Yeah, sure. Like say I do tonight show or I don't know where the fuck I am. I thought I was at a theater and I'm not, I'm at like some different venue.
So I thought I was, I thought there was a place called the Moody Theater. The Moody Theater is an arena. Okay, whatever. Well, I don't know what the fuck I'm at.
There's like five Moody's in Austin. It's a real one. Yes. And so.
I think you're in the big one. Where the, where the, where UT plays? No, I played there before. I'm in the smaller one.
I mean, like a, but it's like the three tiered kind of like ACL live or something. Yes. Okay. So, um, oh yeah, Moody Center, Moody Theater.
Yeah. And then there's a Moody Blues. You're not, you're not. That's the band.
Okay. I was like, is there a boot? Yes. How old are you?
I'm 38. Okay. I was, there's an episode of the Simpsons where they can drive through Vegas and it's just the Moody Blues are playing it every, every, because you know, when I think about it, all the time. What's your favorite Simpsons quotes?
Favorite Simpsons quote? Oh, like do you have a, like favorite Simpsons episode is the trash and the trash commissioner episode will become the trash commissioner and then the food critic was my two favorites. My favorite. So like the things that live rent free in my head, number one is when Homer's making a hot box for everyone and he goes over to the cop at the bar, it was a bar, not Barney, uh, but what's his name?
The cop. Yeah. And he has a drink. He goes to the copper for the copper.
I say that almost every time before the copper. I say that all the time. And then my favorite quote out of any of the Simpsons is when they have stampede the elephant and Lisa gets stampede the elephant and Homer brings clearly an ivory salesman over and Lisa goes, she goes, dad, I think he might be an ivory dealer and he goes, Lisa, what makes you say that? And she goes, well, I don't know his boots are made of ivory, his key chains made of ivory, his bell buckles made of ivory, his hats made of ivory, made out of ivory.
Lisa, clearly with someone that with that much ivory would not be in need of more ivory. I told Conan O'Brien wrote that episode. I think I'm almost certain I told him the first time I ever met him, ivory salesman is my favorite line and he just rattled it off. I just heard this stat that shocked me given that I hear from the sales staff and my publisher quite a bit.
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I forgot what I was saying. Oh, I was saying we stand up. Yes. The audience matters.
The approval. So like the machine my movie did not do well in theaters and I ignored that and it was Tom who brought it to my attention. Maybe rightfully so or not rightfully so. But like it came out.
I got a text from Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was like number four in the theaters and the box office isn't bad. Congrats. That's awesome. They say it's well it only made like $14,000 in theaters and $40 million.
It would cost $35 million to make. It did not do well in theaters. But I was like a first grader looking at my lunchbox going like, fuck yes, I love peanut butter and jelly. I love Twinkies and I'll eat an apple because mom says I'll eat an apple, right?
And he looked at other people's lunch boxes. And then I think Tom was the one that was like, so how do you feel about the machine? I go fuck, I'm excited. I go to awesome.
All I was thinking about what you said. I saw a premiere of a movie where the response was through the roof with everyone in the theater. Everyone told me I'm going to love it. And in my head I was like, again, Tom, it casually just like it didn't do well in the theater.
Not to like, I said, but just my best friend. And then I went, I think it's number four. And he goes by five. And I was like, am I really glad I'm filming it.
And then I started reading. Like I was like, I was this one I was reading comments. I would read like reviews of the movie. And they were somewhat, I mean, they had to be accurate because I feel like reviewers, I don't feel like reviewers have a grudge against someone they don't know, right?
And so and they were like, what a narcissistic move to make a movie about yourself. And then I was like, oh, I mean, that's like 90% of art. Yeah. And then I'm reading on it.
Oh my God. Oh my God. I remember some Netflix was like, casually, we're like Lakers game. This guy that works at Netflix is pretty good.
He was like, no, I said what? He was tanking the movie. He was going to crush on Netflix. And I was like, huh?
But I was already in failure mode. I was like, wow, this thing I was so proud of. It's almost like having a, your kid and send him in the first grade and then finding out kids and nerd. And you're like, but I like my kid, you know, and then I came back and then it streamed at number one on Netflix movies for a month.
It was number one for a month. And then the reception was crazy, but I already had this negative. See, this is what I mean. You're like, you're a whip sawn around and it's something closer to your original opinion of it was actually the accurate thing.
I think that's the accurate thing. And I remember, I remember going, I'll tell you another one. I'm going to be a perfect one. This is the most accurate one.
And by the way, this is one that your listeners will be able to go. Okay. I can't, I'm not going to sit and watch the movie. I'm not going to watch the TV show.
Please do it. It's free bird string on Netflix. I really stand by. It's really good.
I think. Yeah. Thank you. The Tom Brady roast.
Yes. Tom and I did together. Tom and I did great. We had a solid double.
I don't think we were Nicki or Tony, but listen, we weren't Kim Kardashian or Ben Affleck, right? So anywhere in between there, I was like, listen, as long as I'm not talking about you. Tom came in the next day and he's like, you know, we bombed. And I went, what?
And he was like, we bombed. They say we bombed. I go, who? And he goes, Internet saying we bombed.
I'm not listening to him. And he goes, but they're saying we bombed. And I go, I was there with you. You stood next to me.
Like when we got done, we hugged because we did great. Like the room, we were in the room. And then no one that night told us we bombed. They hugged us and said, great job.
And I said, wait, what was listening to the Internet or what our experience was? And he goes, the Internet. And I went, why would we listen to the Internet? And he was like, that's what they're saying.
I mean, you got to acknowledge it. And I was like, I don't. And he goes, well, we're having Tony on the podcast. Tony Henskop on the podcast.
And then Tony really reads the Internet. And then Tony's like, the Internet says we bombed. Like, not me. And then Tony just goes, I guess you weren't in the room.
And I was like, what the fuck are you? I literally, I think of the podcast. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, I'll give you flowers to say you crushed.
But let's not Monday morning quarterback that says we bombed. We didn't, but then I was, I'm torn on that Tom Brady where people asked me about it because I go, I have Tom, the Internet, and Tony's response. And then I go, am I a delusional kid that goes, my experience trumps it? But when you say that, I stand by, I was in that room.
Not one person. Listen, the biggest backlash I got out of that is I read everyone's prompter. And I'll stand by that. And everyone can suck my dick.
I think I fall in love with the idiot that reads everyone's prompter. I can't believe that you wouldn't love a what about Bob character who just sat there reading everyone's prompter and giggling to himself. I was shocked that that made people hate me. I thought it was hilarious.
I was like blown away that I go. So in my head, I was like, if you hate me for reading prompter and you're saying I bombed, I can't be on your page. And that was the first, like right after that was my first lean into stoicism of like, well, hold on. Am I crazy if I make my truth the truth?
Yeah. I mean, look, obviously there's a reality of the business. Like if you're getting up there, you're on tour and it's getting no laughs in the room. Yeah.
Like if I go, hey, I care about whether I'd come, if the book sells zero copies, that's going to affect the advance next time and then the next time and then there probably won't be a time after that. Like there's the reality is like same goes like, you're a salesperson. You're like, well, call well to me. Like at the end of the day, like if they don't buy, you don't get your commission and then they fire you.
But like an athlete that is like an athlete's got to go, hey, the shot felt good coming off my hands. It's not going to go in 100% of the time. Yeah. Right.
So like you got to get out of the what do they think what you got to get out of that and back into the thing as quickly as possible. Back into the thing that makes you the part that's in your control, which is the act itself and the doing of the whatever it is. My thing, my big, my big force lately has been pull out both sides, try to get both sides and just stay playful in life. I want to stay playful.
I want to giggle and there's like a sparkle in life that if you can hold on to that I think that that's my driving force in life and I want everything to have that shine and that sparkle, you know, and not have to attach alcohol or food to it to get to sparkle just to be able to go walk down the street and go or walk through center park and go. I'm seeing all the trees. It's beautiful, you know, like, it should be fun. It should be fun.
It should be fun and silly and goofy. And it's like that's why I just told me life. Why should life like life sucks in a bunch of ways. So the parts of it that are up to you should be good.
Yeah. Thanks so much for listening. If you could rate this podcast and leave a review on iTunes, that would mean so much to us and it would really help the show. I appreciate it.
I'll see you in next episode. Bye. Bye. Bye.
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