Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

Subscriber-only episode will be posted Sunday evening. In this episode of Character Analysis, I’m revisiting one of my all-time favorite Sex and the City episodes, “Critical Condition,” and using it as a jumping-off point to talk about something we’ve all experienced but don’t always know how to handle. What does it bother us so much when certain people don’t like us? We’re getting into Carrie Bradshaw, Face Girl, and that very specific kind of social discomfort where the vibes with someone are off, but you can’t figure out why. Worse, you can’t stop obsessing over it. I break down why moments like that stick with us, why we spiral, and why it’s not always about them. Sometimes these interactions rip open a wound we never knew existed. Coming up in this episode:• Why certain people’s opinions get under our skin more than others • How to separate what actually happened from what we think happened• Why rumination is the real problem, not the interaction itself• And how to get clarity without needing closure from someone else And of course, if you want the deeper dive, this week’s subscriber episode is all about dating influencer Danielle Walters and her viral proposal, where I break down the verbal and behavioral red flags and how to tell if someone in your life might not have the best intentions. The subscriber episode goes up this Sunday evening. When “Critical Condition” first aired in 2002, I sided with Carrie. I still do. As toxic as Carrie was, her attitude towards Nina, aka Face Girl, was justified. Yes, Carrie was annoying AF, but Nina dropped a figurative bomb in Carrie’s lap for no reason, then ducked for cover. Nobody likes feeling as though they’re the butt of somebody’s in-joke. Nina’s “face-and-run,” as Carrie described it, was intended to embarrass Carrie when Carrie hadn’t done anything to Nina to deserve it. It was an attempt at a power move, but Nina’s quick exit stage left revealed her to be who she was in that moment: An insecure person wanting to hurt someone to feel better about themselves. Years ago, when I first moved to New York City, I had a Nina in my building. I was in my mid-twenties at the time. My Nina (I’ll call her Nina 2) was maybe about five or so years older than I. Nina 2 would see me approaching the entrance to our building, enter, and let the door close behind her. She never held it open for me. At first, I thought maybe she didn’t see me. But when it happened again, this time after I was sure she’d seen me, I started to wonder if I’d somehow offended her. On one occasion, we rode up in the elevator together in total silence. Seconds before she got off on her floor, she turned to me and said, “Are you wearing perfume?” Before I could answer, she said, “It’s very strong.” Like Carrie, I stood there, mouth slightly agape, and watched her exit the elevator. What the fuck? I’d given myself a quick spray of whatever scent I’d worn before leaving for work, but that was it. Those five seconds stayed with me for days. What had I done to her? I racked my brain, trying to remember any slight I might have committed. Our apartments were separated by several floors. I had no pets. I never partied. What was her problem with me? A few weeks later, I ran into her in the laundry room. As I was unloading my clothes from one of the machines, she said, “Your clothes have been sitting there for a while. There are other people in the building. You should be more considerate.” Then - poof - she was gone. Again, she’d given me no chance to respond. What made this particular interaction sting was that she was right. My wash had been in the machine for about twenty minutes after the timer had gone off, and it was a Saturday afternoon. I’d been on the phone with my sister and lost track of time. But it wasn’t intentional. After an incident in our mail room, where Nina 2 loudly huffed as she stood behind me while I searched for a package, then gruffly asked me to step aside so she could get hers, my anxiety kicked into high gear. I replayed the scenarios with a girl from my office. She was a Native New Yorker who’d taken me under her wing. “Next time she pulls something like that, ask her why she’s always so rude,” she said. “Put that bitch in her place.” “I can’t say that.” “Yes, you can. That’s three times now that she’s gotten you alone and done something like that. It’s intentional. “ Before I had a chance to use that comeback, I saw Nina 2 walk into our building and let the door close on Robin, another tenant. Robin and I both headed to our mailboxes upon entering the building. I checked to ensure the lobby was empty and seized my opportunity for clarity. “Hi,” I said to her. “Can I ask you a question?” Robin took off her Walkman earphones (It was the nineties. Don’t judge.) “Sure.” “The woman who came in right before you…” She rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. Her?” I gasped. “Yes!” “She’s rude,” Robin said. “I don't know what her problem is.” A wave of relief crashed over me. I’d found a kindred spirit. We stood by the mailboxes for the next ten minutes, trading stories. It wasn’t a me thing. It was a Nina 2 thing. Nina 2 was the Face Girl before there was a Face Girl. Her specialty was lobbing verbal grenades and dipping just before they detonated. The elevator, laundry room, and mailroom were enclosed in small spaces. This gave Nina 2 control. As my co-worker said, she’d chosen moments where I was literally trapped alone with her to pass her snide comments. Having nowhere to go, I was extra vulnerable, and she knew it. Just like Face Girl knew her tête-à-tête with Carrie in the ladies’ room would make Carrie feel that much more exposed. That was the point. One weekend afternoon, Robin and I were walking home from the gym together. We were so caught up in our conversation that we didn’t see Nina 2 approaching the building entrance from the opposite direction. I could have sworn that, upon seeing us, Nina 2 picked up her pace so she could arrive at the door before us. She did. With us right on her heels, Nina 2 caught my eye, walked through the door…and let it close behind her. Robin let out a snort. ”Of course,” she said. To my surprise, a week later, she held the door open for me. There was no eye contact. No pleasantry. But it was a start. I think seeing Robin and me together was a wake-up call. She knew she’d been rude to both of us, and it was clear we’d become friends and likely swapped stories about her. That took her power away, because now Robin and I could back each other up. We never found out why Nina 2 was such a Mean Girl. My opinion is that she enjoyed making those around her feel as small as she felt. Or she took pleasure in hurting people’s feelings. Either way, she sucked. Carrie Bradshaw's voice-over. Maybe some people make others uncomfortable to elevate themselves. Others might act distant because they’re going through something they don’t feel comfortable sharing. Sometimes people are just THE WORST. And sometimes you’re the problem. What matters most is that you learn to tell the difference and accept that you might never get the resolution or answers you desire. Roll credits. PUT IT IN THE BOOK, HONEY Here are the journal recommendations I mentioned in the episode. Clever Fox Four-Minute Journal - This journal features brief, low-pressure prompts that help you check in with yourself without overthinking. No long entries required. Just a few intentional moments to pause, reflect, and move on with your day. The mood tracker (something I highly recommend) helps you start noticing patterns over time and helps you identify triggers. Clever Fox Mental Health & Anxiety Journal – Guided CBT Journal with Prompts for Self Help & Stress Relief - As someone with anxiety, this journal is what I use when I need grounding. The prompts help me talk myself through the panic and assess the situation objectively. There is also a mood tracker on each page that I can monitor and determine potential patterns in my anxiety spikes. Taja Lined Spiral Journal Notebook - This is just a simple lined notebook. There’s a section to write the date, but that is the only prompt. These are for the days when I really want to brain dump. Plus, I can use my mini-printer and use it as a scrapbook. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit characteranalysispod.substack.com/subscribe