Why Some Failure Feels Worse Than Others

In this Episode I share with you a lesson I recorded in my 'Stress to Success' Program.Failure never feels nice, but why do some failures feel worse than others. Failure is supposed to feel uncomfortable because it draws our attention to the problem; the gap between what we expected to happen and the result we actually got. That's the normal pain that is going to, in the most part be unavoidable. This is often referred to as the Fist Dart. Then there's the second, optional dart, and this comes from what we make that failure mean. For so many perfectionists they make the failure mean that 'They are a failure', 'They have let others down' or that that 'They are worthless'. They then start doubting themselves which effects their future decision making which feed the cycle. But why does our brain do this? My theory is that it is the brain's protective mechanism. It's protecting us from future judgement of others. If we judge ourselves first, then the judgement from others won't feel so bad. This is obviously bullshit because the judgement from others still feels just as bad and we have just made it worse by adding to the judgement ourselves. It's not like judging ourselves makes us immune to the pain. The brain registers judgement and rejection in a similar way to physical pain and therefore wants to avoid it at all costs. This made sense when we lived in tribes and our very survival was dependent on staying in that tribe and being accepted. This wiring is outdated but our brain has not had the software update, and that isn't coming anytime soon. That's why we need to be aware that the discomfort we feel from being judged is just our brain thinking we are going to die and the fear we feel beforehand is the brain warning us of that future threat. As we learn to fail in front of others, process that discomfort and show our brain that we are safe, it starts to fear judgement less. Why is this important? Because the fear of judgement is the most pervasive fear, affecting carers, relationships, has us saying 'Yes' to everything and feeling overwhelmed. Ultimately it stops us just being ourselves, feeling trapped and living a life of quiet desperation.