Why would I do this to myself? Listener question

I want something to do about it. I just don't want to be like this anymore. But I'm scared I'm in too deep, creating an unhappy life. I saw I was doing it, but was too scared, fear, guilt. As if I can, could not admit. I guess I have to protect something. I'm so tensed in my jaws, mouth. I think a story of guilt, fear is playing around, keeping things in place. Guilt is a big one. (a lot of thinking about relation, work) I'm disappointed that I have become like this, creating this story, mess. How can I see beyond that it's not me. Why would I do this to myself. Going against life. It's almost rage. A crazy story