Why you get defensive (and how it's ruining your relationships)

Why do we get defensive during conflict even when we’re self-aware? In Episode 20 of Things We Say in Therapy, we break down defensiveness as a nervous system response rather than a personality flaw, and explore why feedback can feel like a personal attack.This episode covers:What defensiveness actually is and why it shows up during conflictThe role of the nervous system, amygdala, and fight-flight-freeze responsesHow childhood attachment, shame, and fear of abandonment shape defensivenessWhy over-explaining, sarcasm, shutting down, and “brutal honesty” are often self-protectionThe difference between being misunderstood and being wrongedHow to separate intent from impact in difficult conversationsThe hidden cost of defensiveness on relationships and emotional safetyHow to notice defensiveness in real time and respond without self-abandonmentWhen defensiveness is actually a signal of being shamed or manipulatedIf you struggle with accountability, conflict, emotional regulation, people-pleasing, or feeling unsafe receiving feedback, this episode offers honest self-reflection, psychology insights, and practical tools to help you build healthier, more authentic relationships.Discomfort isn’t a threat, it’s information. Sit with it. Tell us why you love the show!Support the show🎙️NEW EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY!! Follow so that you don’t miss an episode! I📖f you are struggling with your health, please don't go through it alone. View this: international mental health helpline directory 🌳Linktree: https://linktr.ee/thingswesayintherapy 📺YouTube: https://youtube.com/@feelingsidrathernotpodcast?si=Hswo7kvUoq7mchhz 📲Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/feelingsidrathernotpodcast/ 📲TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@feelingsidrathernotpod?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc 👩‍💻RSS Feed (Buzzsprout Website): https://feelingsidrathernot.buzzsprout.com ☕️Buy Me a Coffee: https://www.https://buymeacoffee.com/feelingsidrathernotpod