Why You Pour a Drink Before Hard Conversations — And How to Stop With Anna Lecat

Conflict avoidance and people-pleasing show up in so many women's stories around alcohol — yet they rarely get the airtime they deserve. In this episode of Sisters in Sobriety, Sonia and Kathleen sit down with Anna Lecat, intimacy and conflict consultant, global speaker, and author of Loving Conflict: Creating Collaboration Where Others See Division. Anna has spent decades across cultures, continents, and boardrooms persuading people that learning to conflict well is one of the most loving things we can offer each other. What does it actually mean to fight kindly? Why do so many women reach for a drink before a hard conversation — or avoid it entirely? And what is it about anger that feels so unbearable to sit with? Anna unpacks the tango metaphor at the heart of her work — conflict as tension plus connection, not threat plus danger. She walks through a practical spectrum for building conflict confidence, starting with low-stakes settings like restaurants and working up to the relationships that flood us most. The conversation explores emotional responsibility, nervous system regulation, and how early experiences with anger shape us as adults — often leading us to read conflict as rejection when it's really someone else's old wound surfacing. Then things get personal. Sonia opens up about pouring a glass of wine before calling her mother — and how that glass became a bottle. Kathleen shares her own story of returning to her hairdresser with honest, gentle feedback and what that small act revealed about the difference between avoiding conflict and moving through it with care. This is Sisters in Sobriety, the support community that helps women change their relationship with alcohol. Check out our Substack for extra tips, tricks, and resources. Highlights [00:01:00] Anna reframes conflict as a doorway rather than a threat [00:02:00] Her mission: persuading people to fight kindly [00:03:00] People who are deeply loved don't need to wage war [00:05:00] Connection and uplift extend beyond romance to friends, parents, and coworkers [00:06:00] Why women are socialized to avoid conflict [00:07:00] Conflict as a tango — listening, suggesting, responding in turn [00:08:00] Using nonverbal tango exercises in corporate workshops [00:11:00] Men in Beijing end up in tears during a two-minute eye contact meditation [00:13:00] Why sending food back at a restaurant is the perfect place to start [00:14:00] "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your parents" [00:15:00] Kathleen's hairdresser story becomes a master class in kind conflict [00:18:00] Sonia's glass of wine before calling her mother — and how it became a bottle [00:20:00] Why anger is the most stigmatized emotion across every culture [00:21:00] Anger reveals a person's deepest fears and values — slow down and listen [00:22:00] How Anna navigates her own anger — consent first, then curiosity [00:27:00] It only takes one person to shift the dynamic of a relationship [00:29:00] People-pleasing as a conflict strategy — and how to tell it from self-protection [00:33:00] Practice conflict in low-stakes settings before the ones that flood you [00:37:00] Anna's nightly practice: revisiting hard moments and calming her nervous system [00:43:00] Start small, start outside, get good at it. It becomes a superpower. Links: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1966629974 https://annalecat.com/ SIS Links 💌 Sisters In Sobriety Substack – where the magic (and the mocktail recipes) happen 📬 Sisters In Sobriety Email 📸 Sisters In Sobriety Instagram 🌐 Kathleen’s Website Kathleen does not endorse any products mentioned in this podcast 📸 Kathleen’s Instagram Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.