Why Your Struggling Child Pushes You Away: The Attachment Connection, with Todd Sarner

ABOUT THE EPISODE:When a young person you love is struggling with substances or challenging behaviors, the instinct to fix everything can feel overwhelming. In this illuminating conversation, marriage and family therapist Todd Sarner brings decades of attachment science into sharp focus, and offers a roadmap for parents navigating the turbulent waters of adolescence. Drawing from his training with Dr. Gordon Neufeld and other attachment pioneers, Todd reveals why our kids' most hurtful behaviors often mask their deepest needs for connection. We explore the delicate dance between holding firm boundaries and maintaining compassion – what Todd beautifully describes as being both the "agent of futility" (clear limits) and the "angel of comfort" (empathy). We unpack why teenagers simultaneously push us away while desperately needing our presence, and how parents can invest in their own nervous systems to weather these storms.Perhaps most powerfully, Todd reminds us that attachment isn't about perfection – research shows secure relationships miss connection bids 50-60% of the time. It's about showing up consistently, even imperfectly, with the understanding that our love remains the most powerful intervention we have.You'll learn:Why sensitive kids often present as tough and disconnected – and how "defensive detachment" protects them from the pain of unmet connection needsThe critical difference between punishment and boundaries, and how to communicate limits while preserving relationshipHow to navigate the teenage paradox: their biological drive for independence colliding with their continued need for guidance and safetyPractical nervous system regulation techniques (including 4-7-8 breathing) that help parents stay grounded during explosive momentsWhy investing in your own self-care isn't selfish – it's essential preparation for holding space during your child's strugglesThe power of "bridging" – maintaining connection even through conflict, letting your child know that nothing can change your love for themEPISODE RESOURCES:Transformative Parenting websiteTodd’s InstagramThis podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream CommunityLearn about The Stream, our private online community for momsFind us on Instagram hereWatch the podcast on YouTube hereDownload a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and AlcoholHopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.