Yellow Lightning

Recently, I have started the process of selling basically all of my things in preparation for going to China. I fly there around August 25th and start my job teaching English on the first of September. One of the many things I have done in preparation is post things on Facebook Marketplace with the help of my mom. The goal is to downsize and make some extra cash before needing to head off. It is also sad in a lot of ways. I will be the first to admit that I try not to hold a lot of value in material things; it just isn’t who I am. Some things, like stuff I haven’t used in a long time, or things that are really easy to sell, like stuff I haven’t used in a while, or things that are more like tools rather than things that hold sentimental value. The sentimental things are harder to sell or give away, though. The truth of the matter is that I have to give away or sell some of these sentimental items. I just don’t have the space. I can store some things here at my mom’s house, but I can only store so much here. Figuring out which things to get rid of has been hard. I found that following a couple of rules has tended to help me out. I first try to narrow down one item per memory or per part of my life. Sometimes this is easy because there might be 3 or 4 character pieces for a LARP character I played, and I just pick the 1 that I like the most and move on. After that, I try to prioritize keeping small things over big things. Further than that comes the hard part, where I have to assess how much things mean to me. It sometimes feels in that moment like I am comparing the memories themselves, and that by getting rid of one item, I am tossing away that memory and deciding that it doesn’t mean as much to me as it does. At the same time, I also know that isn’t the case at all. I will keep my memories for as long as I can, and I can keep things like photos that don’t take up space much easier than object that has to be stored somewhere. Despite knowing that, it is still hard to get rid of things, and there are some things that I may never get rid of, because the memory means so much to me. There is this clay figure that a friend of mine made me, of a character I played during a really turbulent point in my life, and during a point where I made some friends I have kept for almost two years now. I will probably never get rid of that clay figure, because of that game, and that friendship means a lot to me. The little figure represents a turning point in my college life where I shifted friend groups, shifted responsibilities, and even plans for how I would go through college. A lot has happened since then, but that friendship and the memories around that game are still really strong for me. Most of the memories I am sifting through during this process are from college, and it has been a really good way to move on from that time and get ready for the next thing. I don’t know if I can recommend it for everyone. It is emotional and bittersweet, in a way that is a sort of nostalgia, I imagine. I am in this state of simultaneously looking back and forward. Dipping into the past to bring about the future, and all the while staying in the moment. I smile at the item and bid it farewell, either to a storage container to open up again some faraway day in the future, or to a pile of things to give away/sell so that someone else can enjoy them. Sometimes this smile is quick and easy, sometimes it takes me a bit before I can put the item away. Regardless, each time I have some sort of memory come back to me about the object, and I think that’s good. I think it is good to get rid of things and reminisce. When you hold on to things for too long, it can feel like it just blends in and that you can’t appreciate the item. I think that everyone needs to take a day or two to go through things and separate them into piles just to walk through the memories again. One of the other things I have been doing is telling people about the trip, which is met with mixed reviews. One of the things that I have noticed is that, for the most part, how someone knows me impacts the reaction, and I can split these people into three groups. A lot of the people I have met in college and that I have dragged out on adventures with me end up being completely on board and tell me something along the lines of this is going to be a great opportunity for you. The people who I know from my childhood (outside of family) and the people who I could never imagine living in a different country tend to be the ones who are most adverse. The last category is weirdly the people who have plans to stay, but have simultaneously daydreamed about leaving the US, and arguably should. The first group is obviously the one that I am the happiest to hear from. Hearing from people you care about that they support and admire the decision you made is, of course, fantastic, and I love to hear it. The second group has been some of the ones to push back the hardest, but their position makes sense in a lot of ways. These are the guys who I have never seen leave Boise and have a nice, stable life going on here. I also think they don’t understand why I am going on this trip the most out of the three groups. They don’t see or have a reason to leave the country and wouldn’t do well adapting to an entirely new place. They have also heard a lot of things about China throughout their whole lives, because of living in Boise. In their mind, China is a giant factory where people get worked to death or where Americans get kidnapped by the CCP, which is just not true. Defending myself doesn’t work against this group because any evidence I bring is denied, and when I tell them I have done my research and am confident about this decision, they don’t believe me. Walking away from these conversations leaves both of us frustrated usually, and I don’t tend to bring up details about my trip to them. The last group is the one that confuses me the most. They usually don’t push back against the idea of going abroad; they would just rather I go to somewhere that isn’t China. I imagine that if I said I was going to Germany or Japan that they would have very little issue and they would react very similar to the first group, maybe asking a few worrier questions, but more or less in the same group. It is the political tension around China that worries them, and if all you know about a country is what you hear on the news, every country would seem like a disaster. I have to reassure them that it will be fine and that I have done my research, which, in my experience, they come around to, and after a little while, they accept the plan, much like everyone else who accepts it. I was having dinner with someone from this group recently, and I was surprised by the turnaround she had come to with the idea. She took a “go make the most of it if you are doing it” approach, which was really nice to hear, and helped me feel like my decision was accepted. Overall, I want to make it clear that I don’t have a grudge against any of the people who disapprove of my decision. I find their comments frustrating, sure, but it doesn’t affect how I view them or our friendship. I know fully well that all of the people that I have told care about me and want me to be safe and happy. Sometimes that comes in the form of them worrying and telling me they think it is a bad idea, other times it is through a supportive message. I know that my friends love me, and I know this decision is mine and mine alone. I will go to China, and I am going to be a fantastic teacher, while also exploring a different culture that is going to be entirely different from what I am used to. I am excited, and at the end of the day, it is my adventure, so that is all that matters. Thank you for reading, and I hope you have an amazing day! Get full access to The Colorful World Project at zacharygilmore.substack.com/subscribe