影响：哪件小事影响了你一生

What is the smallest thing a person ever did for you that impacted your life?Casey Arrillaga, MSW Social Work, Boston University (2017)She asked a simple question while I was breaking up with her.I had just finished sitting her down and giving my all-too-familiar break-up monologue on why we were bad for each other, how my worst traits came out in relationships and I couldn’t seem to help it, how her best bet was to leave and never look back, etc. As had happened in some of my previous relationships, this came out of the blue for her because she thought things were going well. As I stood up to leave, she looked up and asked, “Did you ever consider that we could’ve worked on some of this?” I had not.I still left, knowing I was doing the right thing for both of us, but her question stuck with me. I took six months off sexual and romantic relationships and resolved to work as hard as I could on myself before seeking love again. I spent a lot of time on introspection, I dug into spirituality and then atheism, I started opening up more to the people around me to get greater insight and allow myself greater connection, and I got more serious about writing songs, even going as far as finding a singer and songwriting collaborator because I recognized that I wasn’t as good as I wanted to be on my own (this was a big deal for me).When I decided that I was ready to start dating again, I had one litmus test: was the person I was considering dating willing to work on themselves and the relationship? If not, I wouldn’t even go on a second date. I wasn’t having much luck, but I stuck to my guns, and continue talking to the people around me to gain greater insight. After a while, I started to notice that the singer/songwriter that I was collaborating with had good insights, and that we were talking longer and longer after songwriting and recording sessions, exploring our childhood histories and personal journeys of growth. In good romantic movie style, I realized that the person I’ve been looking for had been right there in front of me for a while now. I shyly confessed this to her, and she returned my affection.Within a few months we were engaged to be married, and started into therapy to lay a solid foundation for our upcoming relationship. We continued this for the first six years of our marriage, and have never been hesitant to return to therapy whenever we saw that we needed more help individually or as a couple. We have both embraced various modalities for self-growth, and have shared an amazing journey. As I write this, we are a few days away from our 29th anniversary.We have both put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into our relationship, buckling down and doing the hard work whenever necessary. I am happy to acknowledge how hard we have both worked, but I also know that some of the credit goes out to someone else, who asked a simple question while I was breaking up with her.