YKWIM #88: Would I live my life over again? Make the same unforgivable mistakes?

me at 17, 2002 Growing up, whenever I tried to picture Future Andrea, she always had blonde hair and carried a briefcase. Me at 30? Blonde with a briefcase, looking sort of like Dawn from The (old) Babysitter’s Club TV show if she went to law school. Not because I wanted to be blonde (no thanks) or desired any kind of employment that required a briefcase (please), but because Future Andrea felt unknowable, a complete stranger. I never thought of her as myself. She was this other person that existed in the faraway someday. It’s probably no coincidence that she was physically the opposite of who I was and still am. The future has never seemed very clear to me. It’s like that part of my brain came with the wrong glasses prescription and everything comes through fuzzy. I truly don’t know what’s going to happen in the next five minutes, much less the next five years. Okay, I’ll probably still be writing this in five minutes, but you know what what I mean. It’s not always negative. Just yesterday, I saw on Instagram that a local knishery was open this weekend— a rarity, they never are, and I’ve been meaning to check it out— so I put on my coat, grabbed a mask, and headed over right there and then. And guess what, the knishes were great! I like spontaneity, doing what I want when I want, and right now, my life is set up that way. It keeps things fun and interesting. That said, it stops being cute little trips to the knishery and becomes a bigger problem when you’re still picturing yourself as blonde briefcase Future Andrea beyond your teen years because nothing has come into focus for a long, long time. Or when most people require things planned weeks or months in advance and you feel disconnected from everyone and you miss when stuff just happened right then and there. Or when the bad decisions and missed opportunities pile up along with the receipts and loose change in the bottom of your coat pockets. I try not to what-if on the whereabouts of that Future Andrea. Imaging Future Andrea was a way to create distance from my present self. It was a way of not listening to what I wanted and instead projecting this fantasy image of who I could be in a world that never existed in the first place. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can picture myself there, the Andrea with brown roots, a round belly, and a tote bag on my shoulder. The same one typing goodbye. Take care, friends.- A“Rain”Woke up this morning witha terrific urge to lie in bed all dayand read. Fought against it for a minute.Then looked out the window at the rain.And gave over. Put myself entirelyin the keep of this rainy morning.Would I live my life over again?Make the same unforgivable mistakes?Yes, given half a chance. Yes.— Raymond CarverThanks for reading, pals. Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors because I’ve already forgiven myself. Links to my social and website can be found below. If you’d like to buy me a cup of coffee here or here, I will happily give cheers in your name. xoxo@andrealaurion | andrealaurion.com | @andrealaurion This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit andrealaurion.substack.com