You Can't Hate Yourself Into Change

Many of us believe that being tough on ourselves is the way to change.We think that if we criticise ourselves enough, push harder, or feel bad enough about our behaviour, we’ll finally become the person we want to be.But in my experience as a counsellor, the opposite is true.In this episode of the Feel Better Podcast, I’m talking about self-criticism and why it actually makes lasting change harder, not easier. I explain what happens in your brain when you shame or blame yourself and why that activates your threat response rather than the parts of your brain responsible for reflection, emotional regulation and problem solving.Over the years I’ve worked with many people who try to beat themselves into change. They set goals, fall off track, and then pile on the self-criticism. But this pattern rarely leads to the kind of sustainable change people are hoping for.Instead, I talk about a different approach. One that is grounded in self-acceptance, values and kinder self-talk, which research shows is far more effective for long-term behaviour change.In this episode I’ll share:• Why self-criticism activates your brain’s threat system• Why shame and blame undermine lasting change• The neuroscience behind self-compassion and motivation• Three practical tools to interrupt self-critical thinking• How to move toward change through your values• How to tell yourself the kind but accurate storyIf you’re stuck in the cycle of setting goals, falling off track and beating yourself up, this episode will help you understand why that happens and what to do differently.Because real change doesn’t come from attacking yourself.It comes from learning to work with yourself instead.If you’d like support making meaningful changes in your life, you can find out more about Change Therapy, my new coaching-based approach to working with clients, at:www.charlottecummings.nzYou can also connect with me on Instagram:@charlottethecounsellor