Your Asshole Hair Acts As a Fart Dampener

Episode SummaryMonday’s show opens with fake Christian butt-rock, rolls straight into disorder fakers melting down on TikTok, a bus weirdo blaming lesbians for the birth rate, a furry performance called King Meow Meow, a Brazilian wax allegedly turning quiet farts into public announcements, and a Florida dog-poop feud that escalates exactly the way Florida dog-poop feuds should.A fake Christian radio intro ushers in Tainted Broth and their inspirational hymn God Hates a Fag, because apparently nothing says Monday motivation like bargain-bin Jesus rock and repression with a guitar riff.Ralph sponsors the week and gently forces Tim into a side quest involving prank-calling his sister Bruna about her eyebrow work, with possible help from Brad Carter.Tim also drops the warning that shows will be a little shorter while he heads to Ashtabula for mom duty, illness, stress, and the usual elegant life balance.The Tourette’s faker segment checks in with a work-from-home “customer service rep” who somehow keeps barking, swearing, and allegedly assisting callers without getting fired in the first ten seconds.A second TikTok disaster features an epilepsy faker who suspiciously starts “seizing” right in the middle of defending herself on camera, because apparently even cluster seizures now respect content schedules.Another self-diagnosed social-media gremlin announces how much she absolutely loves being autistic, loves her hyperfixations, loves her stims, loves everything, and generally sounds like a seven-year-old who discovered identity labels and won’t stop licking them.A bus preacher loses his mind over lesbians, claiming women marrying women are somehow ruining humanity’s ability to reproduce, which sounds less like theology and more like a horny man furious that nobody’s offering him spare pussy.His logic fully collapses when Tim points out that if God wants more babies, the all-powerful sky wizard can probably manage it without this guy’s help.A furry performance of King Meow Meow earns a possible Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nod, complete with a crowd chant, confused energy, and furious commenters debating whether the cameraman ruined the sacred meow count.A South Carolina woman claims a Brazilian wax removed the natural friction her butt hair once provided, leaving her with dramatically louder farts and a brand-new acoustics problem nobody asked science to solve.An Arizona eighth-grader is fighting a misdemeanor assault charge for repeatedly hitting his ex-girlfriend with foam dodgeballs during gym class, which raises the obvious question of whether anyone involved has ever actually played dodgeball before.In Leesburg, Florida, a feud over uncollected dog poop allegedly ends with Trey DeCloot barging into a neighbor’s home, throwing feces at the husband, and escalating the fight with a child’s metal scooter like some deranged suburban gladiator.Tim checks in from sick-bay status, explains his ongoing obsession with forcing a Commodore 64 to decode and play an MP3, and somehow turns spending nearly an hour waiting for ancient hardware to croak out music into a personal victory.A caller from Florida reveals he’s actually eaten at the nude restaurant from a recent story, which is either a fun coincidence or a warning sign from the universe.Another voicemail spirals into Smurf porn, Gwagamel, and a proposed Sextastic Tuesday premise involving a finger in a Smurf dickhole, so yes, the audience remains deeply healthy and well-adjusted. Opening Chaos Ongoing Freaks and Updates Episode Highlights️ Distorted News Listener Interaction and VoicemailsPO Box Address!Distorted ViewPO Box 36268Cincinnati, OH 45236