At Peace Parents Podcast

If you've lowered demands for your PDA child or teen but still aren't seeing much progress, this episode is for you. It explains one of the most common sticking points I hear from families: that due to the name - Pathological Demand Avoidance - parents focused on lowering demands, when what their child needs more is increased autonomy and equality.This episode is an excerpt from my free Understanding PDA Masterclass. In it I walk through the distinction between demands as a surface-level behavior and autonomy and equality as the root-level mechanism. To help make the difference clear, I describe how in a typical morning autonomy losses often accumulate before a child even gets out the door.Key Takeaways Demands Are the Surface. Autonomy Is the Root | 00:00:00 The name Pathological Demand Avoidance points toward the behavior: avoidance of demands. But if we think about PDA as a pervasive drive for autonomy, we get closer to the actual mechanism. Parents who have lowered demands and are not seeing progress are often still inadvertently signaling a loss of autonomy through expectation, energy, agenda, or position of authority, even when the demand itself has been removed. The surface level behavior is demand avoidance. The root level cause is neuroception of a loss of autonomy or equality. My Younger Son's School Refusal: The Autonomy Mechanism in Real Time | 00:01:33 For two weeks, my younger son could not get his body to go to school. Each evening he would tell me he genuinely wanted to go the next morning, naming specific things he looked forward to. When I asked whether he would like me to prompt him in the morning, he said no, because if you do, then I will not go. That is the PDA mechanism: in his thinking brain, with full autonomy and no external expectation, going to school felt possible. The moment an agenda or a prompt from me entered, his amygdala would register a loss of autonomy, activate the threat response, and make going impossible. A Morning Audit: Fifteen Activations To Start The Day | 00:06:02 I walk through a typical first hour of a day with a PDA child to illustrate how many autonomy and equality losses can accumulate before the family has even left the house. Being woken up by a parent or an alarm is an externally imposed loss of autonomy. Being expected to come downstairs, eat, eat in a particular place, be told what is and is not available for breakfast, clean up the plate, get dressed, put on shoes, pack a backpack, receive a gentle correction after pushing a sibling on the way to the car: each one registers in the amygdala as a threat event. In a loving, gentle household with no intentional pressure, there can be fifteen or more of these activations in forty-five minutes. That cumulative load is what makes PDA disabling, not any single demand. Equality Is as Important as Autonomy | 00:04:50 The equality piece is often underemphasized. It includes any energy of another person being above the PDA child in stature, authority, or position: not getting the most ice cream, not being first down the stairs, not getting the last word, having a parent try and teach them something in the moment of a behavior. Even gentle parenting's recommendation to take the child aside after a dysregulation and debrief produces this perception, because the parent is placing themselves above as the teacher and the explainer. The child is not in the right part of their brain to receive it, and the teaching itself is perceived as another activation.Relevant Resources Understanding PDA — The free masterclass from which this episode is excerpted, covering the six characteristics of PDA including the survival drive for autonomy and equality described here.Burnout — Free class with context for how cumulative autonomy losses build over time to the point of disabling access to basic needs.Paradigm Shift Program — My signature program where the shift from a demand lens to an autonomy and equality lens is practiced as an embodied skill over twelve weeks of live coaching.

This episode is an excerpt from a lesson inside the Paradigm Shift Program. I'm sharing it because the PDA lens is the foundation that all other skills in my work rest on, and it is not something most parents are going to hear explained anywhere else.In this lesson I walk through exactly what the PDA lens is, why it has to be learned as a skill rather than just understood intellectually, and how to begin applying it. I also address the most common thought that comes up when I introduce the concept of deliberately signaling equality: am I training my child to be a bad adult? And why the answer, through the logic of this lens, is no.Key Takeaways The PDA Lens Is a Skill, Not the Only Valid Lens | 00:00:00 The PDA lens is something I think of as a pair of glasses you can put on and take off. It does not invalidate the ADHD lens, the sensory lens, the OCD lens, or the anxiety lens. It teaches a different logic, one that most parents are not going to hear explained anywhere else because every professional encounter tends to frame the root cause through a different paradigm. Every Loss of Autonomy Is a Drop in a Bucket, Invisible Until the Tipping Point | 00:01:31 The PDA lens asks us to look at every behavior, even if it looks manipulative or intentional, and think: my child has been perceiving threat around not having autonomy or being below someone or something, over and over, and every time that happens, a drop goes into the cumulative nervous system activation bucket. Most of those drops are invisible because high masking, the internalization of the threat response rather than the behavioral expression of it, is a feature of PDA. The accumulation builds over days, months and years. By the time most families arrive at my work, the child is either very close to their threshold of tolerance or so far past it that they are existing in a near-constant state of threat. Equalization, Basic Needs, and Why Behavioral Strategies Cannot Work | 00:06:41 When cumulative activation reaches the tipping point, the nervous system tries to exert control and move above in order to get back to felt safety. This is equalizing. And control tends to coalesce around the one or two things a parent genuinely cannot force: eating, toileting, sleep, hygiene. Because this is subconscious, cumulative, and not under their conscious awareness, behavioral strategies do not work. Signaling Equality Without Removing All Boundaries | 00:11:39 The equality signal does not mean there are no limits in the home and the child runs everything. It means thinking creatively about how to deliberately, mindfully, and as an accommodation give a child or teen the felt experience of being above, of going first, of being more skilled in this moment, in order to offset years of subconsciously perceiving that they are below. You Will Know More Than the Professionals You Work With | 00:10:09 This is not a criticism of professionals. It is a reality of where the PDA research and understanding currently sits. Most clinicians, teachers, and therapists have been trained through a behavioral paradigm that assumes behavior is rational, conscious, and changeable through incentives and disincentives. The PDA lens is a fundamentally different paradigm and it is not (yet!) taught in most training programs.Relevant Resources Understanding PDA — Free class where I teach the nervous system disability framework and the root cause logic that the PDA lens described in this episode is built on.Tracking Progress — Free class on how to observe the three outcome dimensions, nervous system activation, basic needs, and engagement, referenced in this episode as the data to watch rather than the behaviors to fix.Paradigm Shift Program — My signature three-month program where the PDA lens introduced in this excerpt is practiced as an embodied skill across twelve weeks of live coaching, spot coaching, and community support.

When I first heard Jan Winhall speak about the intersection of the nervous system and addiction, I immediately thought of the PDA teens and adults in our community who are reaching for substances or engaging in self-harm.In this episode she explains how addiction and self-harm function as nervous system state regulation strategies, what conventional models get wrong, and what it actually looks like to support someone through this from a place of safety rather than shame.Winhall brings a wealth of knowledge to the conversation as a trauma and addiction psychotherapist, developer of the Felt Sense Polyvagal Model, and author of two books on treating trauma and addiction through embodied awareness. I hope her insights support you.Key TakeawaysAddiction as a Nervous System State Regulation Strategy | 00:06:52 The conventional model frames addiction as either a moral failure or a brain disease. Jan offers a third understanding grounded in polyvagal theory and neuroplasticity: addictive behaviors are strategies the body uses to shift nervous system states when there is not enough perceived safety. When someone is in a chronic sympathetic state, the wine bottle or the substance moves them into dorsal, into numbing and relief. When someone is in a chronic dorsal state, high-risk or stimulating behaviors move them back up into sympathetic mobilization. The body cycles between these states because it cannot stay in either extreme indefinitely. The behaviors become addictive because they work, at least in the moment, and because there is no other available path to felt safety.What Cutting and Self-Harm Do in the Nervous System | 00:10:05 Self-harm functions within the same trauma feedback loop. Cutting can release a sympathetic surge when the blood appears, which shifts a person out of dorsal numbness. It can also trigger the release of endogenous opioids that bring the body back down into dorsal relief. The person is not being manipulative or seeking attention. They are doing what their nervous system has learned will shift an unbearable state into something survivable. Jan describes working with women in her first job who were all self-harming, all addicted, and all diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She did not accept that framing then and still does not. What she saw was a population of trauma survivors whose bodies were doing exactly what bodies are designed to do.Not Being Seen Is Traumatic | 00:37:30 Jan describes the privileged neurodivergent teenagers she saw in her clinical work who came to her saying I have everything, why am I like this? What they were experiencing, she explains, is the trauma of not being seen and fully delighted in for exactly who they are.What Healing Actually Looks Like With a Teen | 00:43:21 Jan describes her clinical work with teens as beginning with co-regulation and the building of a relationship where the teenager feels genuinely safe. That means meeting them where they are, including the sessions where they spend the entire hour talking about how much they did not want to come. It means creating an environment where they can say anything as long as they are respectful of the basic boundaries. It means finding something to fall in love with in the person sitting across from you, because that delight is the container in which a teen can begin to explore shame, identity, and the behaviors they have been hiding from everyone else.Neuroception, Interoception, and the Paradigm Shift | 00:22:55 Interoception is the body's capacity to sense what is happening from the inside: the tightness in the chest, the quickening of breath, the feeling of something that has not yet found words. Jan's Felt Sense Polyvagal Model combines polyvagal theory with a body-based practice to help people slow down enough to listen to what is already happening in the body rather than suppressing or bypassing it.Relevant Resources Felt Sense Polyvagal Model Institute — Jan Winhall's institute where she teaches the Felt Sense Polyvagal Model internationally, including graphic models of the nervous system that can be downloaded and used with children and families.Somatic Mondays With Jan Winhall — Monthly community gathering focused on nervous system regulation for people navigating addiction and recovery, hosted by Jan Winhall and Recovery Reimagined.Dr. Sean Inderbitzen on LinkedIn — Autistic therapist, parent, and author of two books on polyvagal theory and autism, referenced by Jan Winhall in this episode as a recommended resource for neurodivergent families.Understanding PDA — Free class where I teach the nervous system disability framework and the polyvagal concepts that underlie the addiction and self-harm patterns Jan describes in this episode.Burnout — Free class with context for the dorsal shutdown and burnout states that Jan's work helps illuminate, particularly for families whose teens are reaching for substances or engaging in self-harm.Paradigm Shift Program — My signature program where the nervous system framework, felt safety, and the accommodation toolkit are taught live, creating the kind of co-regulated container Jan describes as foundational to all healing.

In this episode I share the definition of PDA I use: PDA is a survival drive for autonomy and equality that consistently overrides other survival instincts, including eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene, and safety. I explain how this is different from older definitions that consider PDA to be anxiety driven, and why that distinction matters clinically and practically. I also I introduce the concept of equalizing - the behavioral expression of the disability that extends well beyond demand avoidance into physical, verbal, and relational patterns that can look like manipulation, control, or defiance but are actually a nervous system response.Key Takeaways Why the Definition of PDA Matters: Survival Drive vs. Anxiety | 00:02:05 The original framing describes PDA as an anxiety-driven need for control. Anxiety is a future-oriented cognitive experience, and that framing points clinicians and parents toward exposure therapy, medication for anxiety, and pushing through avoidance. My definition is different. PDA is a survival drive for autonomy and equality that operates on a subconscious level, in the nervous system, before conscious thought. A child can love their grandparent, be emotionally attached to their therapist, and genuinely want to go to football practice, and still be accumulating nervous system activation from losses of autonomy throughout all of those experiences. The drive does not require cognitive anxiety to be present. That distinction changes what we do about it entirely. The Survival Drive That Overrides Everything Else | 00:07:35 What makes PDA neurologically distinct, in my conceptualization, is that the survival drive for autonomy and equality can override other basic survival instincts. I share an example from my own life: telling Cooper to stay away from the fire, gently at first, then with more urgency, and watching him move toward it instead of away, then try to jump in. I have also worked with families where a child accelerated into a body of water - without the ability to swim - after being told to stay back. These are extreme examples I use to illustrate the mechanism, not to suggest this is every family's experience, but they show that the PDA nervous system can prioritize autonomy above the instinct to stay safe, which is what can eventually produce the feeding tubes, the selective mutism, and the basic needs collapses that many families in this community have experienced. What Equalizing Is and Why It Looks Like Manipulation | 00:12:31 Equalizing is a nervous system response to get back to a place of perceived equality - or above another - after a loss of autonomy has been registered. It can be physical: disorganizing something that was orderly, knocking things off tables, touching things impulsively, hovering near a sibling, controlling where a parent can sit or look. It can be verbal: correcting words, redirecting blame, pretending not to hear, changing the topic impulsively, lying about things that seem random. It can be directed at a safe person, at a sibling, at objects in the environment, or even at self. The Spices Example: PDA Versus Other Neurotypes | 00:17:11 I use a simple scenario - organizing kitchen spices - to distinguish PDA equalizing from behavior in other neurotypes, inclduing non-PDA autism, OCD, and anxiety. Equalizing Can Be Subtle Until It Escalates | 00:15:36 As cumulative activation builds and the environment continues to signal losses of autonomy without accommodation, these equalizing expressions can escalate toward the large nervous system responses and basic needs struggles I describe in this episode. The goal of everything I teach is to bring down that cumulative activation so families avoid these challenges, or get through them as quickly and smoothly as possible. Relevant Resources Understanding PDA — Free class where I teach the nervous system disability framework, the neuroception mechanism, and the cumulative activation logic introduced in this episode.Burnout — Free class with context for how the survival drive overriding basic needs leads to the burnout state many families are already in when they find this work.Paradigm Shift Program — My signature program where the full framework for understanding PDA, equalizing, and responding to both is taught across twelve weeks of live coaching.

If you are a parent who cannot unschool or homeschool your PDA child, or who needs practical support navigating the school system, this episode is for you. I am joined by Dr. Destiny Huff, a licensed professional counselor, non-attorney special education advocate, and neuro-affirming trainer who is also late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD and a mother of neurodivergent children.Dr. Huff shares the most common patterns she sees as PDA families navigate schools, how she frames the nervous system lens in IEP meetings, the specific accommodations she advocates for most consistently, her approach to functional behavioral assessments, and practical steps parents can take right now.Key TakeawaysTwo Patterns Dr. Huff Sees Advocating for PDA Families | 00:05:06 The first is families who have learned about PDA but are still defaulting to the demand avoidance frame when explaining it to schools, which makes it easy for administrators to push back by saying the child just needs to deal with demands. The second is schools latching onto the term PDA itself, either saying they do not recognize it or using it superficially, without understanding the nervous system mechanisms underneath it. Dr. Huff's approach is to move past the label entirely and focus on the root cause: what is happening in the nervous system, what does dysregulation look like for this specific learner, and what changes in the environment and approach can support access and safety.How to Frame the Conversation in an IEP Meeting | 00:13:53 Dr. Huff focuses on three areas that school staff are almost never formally trained on: sensory needs, communication access when regulated and dysregulated, and executive functioning, of which regulation is a component. She always starts with a profile letter that describes the whole learner before getting into accommodations or concerns, and she prefers working with teachers directly because they are often the most unheard people in the room and the most open to trying something new when asked what they are actually seeing.Accommodations Dr. Huff Advocates for Most Consistently | 00:29:43 The first is declarative language, documented with a concrete example of what it actually looks like in practice, because most teams have heard the term but are not using it correctly. The second is a nonverbal communication plan, for when the learner is dysregulated, that could include a designated safe space and trusted person, identified by the learner rather than assigned by the school, paired with a low-profile signal like a hand gesture or an email so the learner can access that space without drawing attention.Her Approach to Functional Behavioral Assessments | 00:40:11 Dr. Huff sees FBAs as useful primarily because they reveal the school's perception of the learner, even when the terminology reflects a behavioral lens she does not share. Once she understands what the school believes is driving the behavior, she goes into rewrite mode with her families: adjusting the language, shifting the approach toward relationship, safety and trust, and pushing back on behavior intervention plans that default to token economies and compliance strategies.What to Do When a Child Is Too Burned Out to Access School | 00:37:27 Dr. Huff has successfully advocated for truncated days and reduced schedules. Her consistent position is that a reduced schedule does not let the school off the hook for providing free and appropriate public education, but it does acknowledge where the child's nervous system is right now and creates a starting point that can be adjusted over time based on what is actually working.Relevant ResourcesYour FBA Is a Fantasy — Book by Rick and Doris Bowman on how to approach functional behavioral assessments through a trauma-informed, neuro-affirming lens rather than a behavior modification lens, recommended directly by Dr. Huff in this episode.Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Ross Greene's framework for addressing the root causes of challenging behavior through collaboration rather than compliance, referenced by Dr. Huff as a resource for reframing FBAs.The Affirming Village Podcast — Podcast hosted by Dr. Destiny Huff and Lisa Baskin Wright on neuro-affirming approaches to education and parenting.Neuro-Affirming Special Education Handbook — Dr. Huff's book on navigating special education in the US from a neuro-affirming standpoint, including guidance on IEPs, FBAs, and supporting PDA learners.Advocacy and Consultation With Dr. Destiny Huff — Dr. Huff's direct services for families, including IEP meeting attendance, drafting parent input statements, and consultation on supporting PDA and neurodivergent learners in schools.Dr. Destiny Huff on Instagram — Follow Dr. Huff for ongoing content on neuro-affirming special education advocacy, IEP navigation, and supporting neurodivergent learners in schools.PDANA - Dr. Destiny Huff is board member of PDA North America.Paradigm Shift Program — My signature program for parents of PDA children and teens taught across twelve weeks of live coaching.

When he was young, it seemed like my son Cooper was almost always active and agitated. I tried everything I was told to try - bubble blowing for deep breathing, emotion naming, zones of regulation, nature walks with candy as incentives - but nothing worked. Maybe the activity would occupy him once, but then he'd be agitated all over again afterwards. I thought I must be going it wrong, or just a bad mom.What I know now is that I wasn't and I'm not - and neither are you. The logic underneath those approaches just does not match how a pathologically demand avoidant nervous system actually works.In this episode I discuss the 4-S Framework I developed to help my PDA son - and the children of the many families I was working with - stay regulated. The four S's are: safe nervous system, sensory intense experience with novelty and dopamine, screens, and special interests. I talk through what each one means for a PDA brain specifically, why children in burnout can often only access some of the four, and how to use this framework to structure unstructured time so it feels less like chaos and more like a plan.Key Takeaways Why the Approaches I Was Given Kept Making Things Worse | 00:02:06 I walk through the regulation strategies I tried with Cooper before I understood PDA: sensory integration activities like bubble blowing and glitter shaker bottles, naming emotions and using the zones of regulation stoplight, and nature walks I would incentivize with sweets. Each one followed the same pattern: novelty made the first attempt work, and the second produced refusal, avoidance, or escalating behavior. But then I had an "aha" moment and made a shift that changed everything. S1: What Actually Makes a Nervous System Safe for a PDA Brain | 00:21:43 A safe nervous system for a pathologically demand avoidant child is not simply a kind or emotionally attuned person. In my work with thousands of families, I have seen loving, competent, well-trained adults be deeply unsafe nervous systems for PDA children, not because they are unkind but because they arrive with an agenda. They want to teach, engage, improve, or modify. The safest nervous system is the one that is not trying to change the child at all. I use the example of a grandma who arrives with activities and baking plans versus a grandpa who sits on the couch reading his phone with zero agenda. The PDA child will reliably gravitate toward grandpa. This is also why you may notice your child feels safer with your partner on certain days, or with a teenage neighbor who just wants to jump on the trampoline without any goal. The lower the agenda, the safer the nervous system. S2: Sensory Intense Experience, Novelty, Dopamine, and the Modern Day Alchemist | 00:26:48 The second S covers three overlapping things: physical sensory intensity like roughhousing; novelty, which is why the first time at an ice skating rink produces full regulation and the second visit produces a meltdown; and dopamine, which can show up as a fixation on sugar, screens, or the drive to transform things from one material state to another. I call this last pattern the modern day alchemist, and I see it consistently across PDA children and adults I work with. S3: Screens, Books, Podcasts, and Journaling as Regulation Tools | 00:40:02 I view screens neutrally, and I want to be clear that this S is not only about screens. For PDA children and teens who are older, or for PDA adults who grew up before constant access to devices, this S may have looked like always having a book in hand, listening to podcasts, or journaling compulsively. What all of these have in common is that they provide autonomy, allow engagement with special interests and learning without an agenda, and offer relief from the intense sensory input that comes both from the outside world and from inside a nervous system that is chronically activated. For Cooper during burnout, screens were one of only two things that kept him regulated enough to eat and exist. Now that his activation has come down, he tracks his own screen time and averages around two hours a day, half the national average for American children. That shift was not something I imposed. It happened naturally as his window of tolerance expanded. I share this because I know how much shame parents carry around screen time, and I want to offer a different frame: screens in the right season can be what keeps your child accessible to life. S4: Special Interest and How to Use the Full Framework in Practice | 00:43:45 Special interest for a PDA brain involves what researchers call monotropic focus: sustained attention toward an interest that is deeply regulating, and dysregulation when pulled away from it. For Cooper right now the three special interests are football, fishing, and friends. When I need to help him out of the "I'm bored" loop, I use the framework to identify which S's are available and stack them. In the episode I also name what this looks like in burnout: during the hardest years, Cooper could only access safe nervous system and screens. The other S's returned as his activation came down, and I want parents to hold that as evidence that things can shift.Relevant Resources Understanding PDA — Free class where I teach the nervous system disability framework and the threat perception mechanism that explains why standard regulation approaches tend to backfire for PDA childrenBurnout — Free class with context for the burnout period I describe in this episode, when only two of the four S's are typically accessibleSchool, Screens and Siblings — Free class directly relevant to the screens S and how I think about screen time as a neutral tool within the Four S Framework Monotropism: Understanding Autistic Ways of Being — Background reading on the monotropic focus I describe in the S4 section and how it shapes regulation and learning in autistic and PDA brainsMonotropic Split and Burnout — Explains what happens when monotropic focus is repeatedly fractured, directly relevant to why pulling a PDA child away from a special interest contributes to cumulative activation and burnoutMe and Monotropism: A Unified Theory of Autism — Deeper academic context for the monotropism framework I reference when explaining the fourth S

I sit down with Dr. Jennifer Huffman, a board-certified pediatric neuropsychologist, PDA woman with lived experience, and creator of the Neurodynamic Navigator System and the Neurodynamic Quotient. After twenty-five years working with children whose profiles were called often called ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), she developed a framework to make the dynamic, fluctuating nature of the PDA brain visible and usable for parents, teachers, and clinicians.We talk about her childhood as an undiagnosed PDA autistic person, why ODD as a diagnosis isn't helpful, how she assesses children who cannot come into an office, and the app she is building to help families. After all that great insight, just her closing message for parents of PDA kids in burnout makes this episode worth a listen.Key TakeawaysGrowing Up as an Undiagnosed PDA Autistic Neuropsychologist | 00:02:48 Dr. Huffman describes a childhood marked by academic failure in math from third grade, severe bullying that led her parents to drive her thirty minutes each way to attend school in a different town, and the recurring experience of being told she was not living up to her potential. She names the specific mechanism she now recognizes in herself: she cannot process on demand. If someone tells her to do something, or if it feels redundant, her brain shuts off. This is not willfulness. It is the same mechanism she has spent twenty-five years helping children and families understand. She describes finding neuropsychology in her third year of undergraduate study as a light bulb moment, not because she wanted a career but because she was trying to figure out her own brain.The ODD Buster: Why Oppositional Defiant Disorder Is So Often the Wrong Label | 00:12:39 Dr. Huffman describes spending twenty-five years working with the complex cases other clinicians could not crack, children who had been given ODD diagnoses and whom nobody wanted to work with. She calls herself the ODD buster and states directly that in her clinical experience, she has rarely seen a child who actually had ODD. What she consistently found underneath that label was high empathy, anxiety, sensory differences, social communication differences, and learning differences, often in combination. She names ODD as an example of a DSM category built by non-neurodivergent clinicians describing externalized behavior without curiosity about what is underneath it.How She Assesses Children Who Cannot Come Into an Office | 00:17:38 Dr. Huffman explains that when a child is in burnout and cannot access evaluation, the work does not begin with the child. It begins with the parent: helping them advocate with the school, coordinating with medical providers who may not understand why the child cannot leave the house, and slowly building a relationship with the child themselves. She describes spending six months to a year playing Minecraft with a child before any formal assessment data is collected, and names this as genuinely valuable clinical time. She also holds PSYPACT certification, which allows her to work with families across most of the United States without the family ever entering her office.The Neurodynamic Quotient: Making the Dynamic Nature of the PDA Brain Visible | 00:36:57 Dr. Huffman introduces the Neurodynamic Quotient, her framework for understanding why PDA children can do something one day and appear to lose the skill the next. The formula combines dynamic safety, which includes felt safety, connection, information, and autonomy, with dynamic capacity, which includes the battery, sensory load, and executive functioning scaffolding, plus motivation. She explains why autonomy functions as a multiplier: if it reaches zero, the entire product is zero regardless of how much skill or capability is present. She also names motivation as the variable parents and teachers most often misuse, pushing past natural capacity because the child demonstrated what they were capable of once.Do Not Get in Front of Your Child | 00:55:03 Dr. Huffman closes with a message for parents whose children are in burnout. She names never assuming the child is not capable as the most important thing a parent can hold onto, and shares her own story as evidence: her parents could not have predicted she would become a neuropsychologist. She uses the phrase "do not get in front of your child" to mean: if they have something they want to do, let them fly. The child who is in their room with the lights off on Minecraft is telling you what they need. Meeting that need and staying regulated yourself is what moves them through burnout faster than fighting against it.Relevant ResourcesUnderstanding PDA — Free class with context on the nervous system disability framework and the dynamic, cumulative nature of activation Dr. Huffman builds on throughout this conversationBurnout — Free class with context for the red zone experience Dr. Huffman describes and the burnout recovery process for both children and parentsParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where parenting for autonomy, safety, and connection is taught in fullUnlocking the PDA Brain by Dr. Jennifer Huffman — Dr. Huffman's book introducing the Neurodynamic Navigator System, written as a manual for understanding and supporting the PDA brainThe Able Center — Dr. Huffman's private neuropsychology practice in IllinoisThe Baby Fold — The Illinois nonprofit where Dr. Huffman serves as Vice President of Clinical Operations, specializing in trauma and higher support needs neurodivergent childrenBeyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke — Mentioned by Dr. Huffman for understanding what is happening beneath the behavior in neurodivergent childrenDr. Huffman is also a board member of PDA North America.

This episode is an interview with my husband, Jake, about his path from well-founded skepticism of Pathological Demand Avoidance to fully changing his parenting to support our two PDA sons, and how that has helped all three of them.This conversation is for parents who aren't sure about PDA, their partners who are, and everyone who has wondered what it actually looks like to shift the paradigm as the "non-lead" parent. Jake talks about the enforcer role he played, dreading coming home from work, what brought him to shift his perspective, and how he took action to change his relationships with his sons.Key Takeaways Why Non-Lead Parents Lag and Why That Is Not a Deficiency | 00:10:01 Jake explains that his skepticism about pathological demand avoidance came from the same place as his desire to be a good father: wanting his son to be okay long after he was gone. He names the specific experience of not being present enough during the day to witness what Casey was witnessing, the cognitive dissonance of a child who could race through Halloween trick-or-treating and then suddenly be unable to walk, and the ease with which behaviors that look manipulative can be written off as such. He is clear that lagging does not make a parent deficient. It makes them human.What the Enforcer Role Actually Felt Like | 00:24:12 Jake describes placing himself in the role of the disciplinarian and enforcer when Cooper was young, trying strict and punitive approaches consistently enough to know they were not working. He reflects on the moments when Cooper would submit, and how even those felt awful because he was a grown adult overpowering a four-year-old. He names the specific appeal of the pathological demand avoidance approach as not just intellectual but personal: he did not want to be that kind of dad, and the relational damage it was doing to his connection with Cooper was undeniable.Dreading 5PM and the Second Arrow | 00:43:44 Jake describes a period when he went from counting down the hours to the end of the workday to dreading them, knowing he was walking back into a home where the kids were dysregulated, Casey was stretched to her limit, and there was no joy. He names the second arrow clearly: feeling like a dad who dreads his own family, and then feeling guilty for that. He offers this not as a confession but as something he suspects many non-lead parents are sitting with quietly.The Trampoline Commitment and What It Built | 00:44:23 Jake shares a concrete example of how he found a way into connection with Cooper during burnout: committing to saying yes every time Cooper asked to go on the trampoline, even though the activity involved Cooper lying there while Jake jumped for twenty minutes. He frames it honestly as work, not fun fatherhood. But he also describes how, when his legs gave out and he lay down next to his son and started pointing at clouds, the small moments of connection began to accumulate. This type of commitment, he says, may be available to other parents who work full days and only have evenings.Vulnerability With Other Dads and the Masculinity Frame | 00:29:46 Jake reflects on coaching Cooper's tackle football team and the specific difficulty of needing other coaches to understand that Cooper's meltdowns were not a measure of his commitment or character, while knowing that a full explanation of Pathological Demand Avoidance would not land. He names the fear of judgment, and the discomfort of demonstrating vulnerability in a context that did not historically make space for it. He frames the masculine enforcer archetype as a stereotype that most men do not actually identify with but feel bound by because breaking it is a risk.Relevant ResourcesUnderstanding PDA — Free class with the foundational context that Jake describes eventually coming to through lived experienceBurnout — Free class relevant to the burnout phases with both Cooper and William that Jake discusses throughoutParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where Jake hosts three live sessions specifically for non-lead parents

In this episode I talk about how I understand my autistic brain, my internalized pathological demand avoidance, and why it took me six years of working in this space before I felt certain enough to say this publicly. I also walk through my life, from childhood to the present, with renewed understanding, in the hope of sharing insights that can help you.This episode is for parents of high-achieving young adults who burn out, for women exploring whether they might be autistic or pathologically demand avoidant, and for anyone who just wants to know more about the person behind this work (me!).Key TakeawaysWhy Casey Resisted Identifying Publicly for Seven Years | 00:06:29 Casey names three reasons she held back. First, she genuinely was not sure, because her experience did not feel like the veil-lifting moment many autistic adults describe, and she had other diagnoses that made the picture muddy. Second, her early experiences engaging with the autistic and PDA online community involved sustained harassment and cancellation attempts, which made that space feel unsafe rather than affirming. Third, her resistance to being labeled by others mirrored exactly what she teaches about pathologically demand avoidant children who reject diagnoses: it is a survival drive for autonomy, and that include identity.What Her Internalized Profile Looked Like in Childhood and School | 00:18:25 Casey describes herself as an extraordinarily compliant and academically gifted child whose two special interests were academics and people. She explains that school functioned as a natural accommodation: it was predictable, she was consistently above her peers, and cause and effect was clear. At home, her parents' divorce introduced chaos, and her nervous system defaulted to freeze, fawn, and shutdown rather than fight or flight. She started writing in journals for hours as a way of processing social interactions and exerting control over her environment, which she now sees as the same mechanism as a child spending hours on a screen.Burnout at 26 and the Panic Disorder Years | 00:27:55 Casey describes her first panic attack during a graduate economics exam at Columbia, followed by a full dissociative episode in the law library weeks later. She lost 20 pounds, could not eat or sleep, and could only function when physically close to safe nervous systems. She was prescribed medication, but she refused to take it for fear of addiction. She frames this period as a burnout triggered by the first situation in her life where she was not the best at something, in an environment where the rules of the game were no longer ones she could win.Postpartum Burnout and What Cooper's Birth Revealed | 00:38:40 Casey describes going off her medication during pregnancy, an emergency C-section after 48 hours of labor where she felt she lost control of her body, and the 18 months of suicidal ideation and intensive outpatient psychiatric care that followed. She was diagnosed with postpartum OCD, anxiety, and depression. She now understands this as a profound loss of bodily autonomy compounding a nervous system that was already primed for that response.Acceptance as the Shift That Therapy Alone Could Not Produce | 00:42:15 Casey describes reaching a point after years of EMDR, somatic experiencing, safe and sound protocol, havening, and meditation where she recognized that some of what she was experiencing was not going to be "fixed" by more therapy. It was brain wiring. She shares how she now applies to herself the same accommodation framework she teaches parents, including using the 4S's of regulation, attending hot yoga for sensory regulation, and protecting her close relationships as her primary nervous system resource. The intrusive self-critical thoughts, she explains, are her version of self-equalizing: a nervous system response to perceived loss of control that she is learning to accept.Relevant ResourcesWhat Is PDA — Foundation for understanding the internalized pathological demand avoidance profile Casey describes in this episode.Burnout — Free class with context for the burnout patterns Casey traces across her own life.Finding Meaning — Free class relevant for parents and adults exploring acceptance and long-term perspective.

I speak with Stephanie Harrigan, a certified speech language pathologist with nearly fifteen years of experience working with the neurodiverse population, to talk about selective mutism, feeding therapy and more.Stephanie brings a regulation-first, child-led approach to all of her work, and this conversation is full of concrete examples from her practice, including what feeding therapy actually looks like when it follows the child's lead, how she has worked with selectively mute children, and what she has seen happen to communication when behavioral pressure is removed.We also talk about how to advocate effectively with a school team and what research Stephanie uses when making the case for a non-behavioral approach.Stephanie can be reached at Inclusive Minds Educational Consulting via [email protected] also shared some links to research and resources:https://scerts.com/https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_laurent_compliance_is_not_the_goal_letting_go_of_control_and_rethinking_support_for_autistic_individualshttps://tiltparenting.com/2025/01/21/episode-424-creating-neurodiversity-affirming-schools-with-amanda-morin-emily-kircher-morris/https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9601143/https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4515208/https://aane.org/autism-info-faqs/library/restoring-the-autistic-nervous-system-a-gentle-path-to-regulation/Key TakeawaysRegulation Before Skills, Always | 00:07:00 Stephanie describes how her approach across all of her work, whether feeding, Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) speech therapy, or selective mutism, starts with regulation. She references her time at the Center for Discovery, where the entire program was built on the belief that sensory and emotional regulation is the foundation. Without it, she says, everything else crumbles. She uses the analogy of a house: regulation is the foundation, and speech and communication goals sit on top of it. What Child-Led Feeding Therapy Looks Like | 00:18:32 Stephanie gives two concrete examples from her feeding therapy work. One student only ate hot dogs at age sixteen. Rather than introducing new foods directly, she used the student's interest in small figurines to interact playfully with food. Another student loved baking but would not eat what they made, so they baked together and delivered food across campus. Stephanie explains that child-led feeding therapy means finding the child's special interest and embedding it into the work, with no timeline for progress and no pressure toward any specific outcome. Selective Mutism and the Role of Safety | 00:24:28 Stephanie describes working with a kindergarten student who was described by staff as someone who never spoke. In her first session with him, he spoke immediately. She attributes this to the felt safety she worked to establish before anything else. She describes how she uses a total communication approach, honors every form of communication including grunting and hissing, and matches the child's energy rather than bringing high excitement.AAC Is Not a Last Resort | 00:30:29 Stephanie explains what AAC is and pushes back on the common concern that using a device will prevent a child from learning to speak. She draws a parallel to what Casey describes with PDA children more broadly: the issue is often not that the child lacks the ability, but that at times stress and sensory dysregulation are blocking access to that ability. She describes seeing communication expand when sensory needs were addressed first, and frames AAC as one tool in a total communication approach rather than a replacement for speech.How to Work With a School Team as a PDA Parent | 00:48:57 Stephanie's advice for parents trying to collaborate with a school team is to not be afraid to advocate. She says she has never viewed a parent as challenging, and that strong advocacy is not only a parent's right but something she personally appreciates. She suggests sharing resources from a place of curiosity rather than confrontation, asking for the team's expertise, and framing questions as "I found this and I'm curious what you think" rather than leading with disagreement.Relevant ResourcesWhat Is PDA — Foundation for understanding the nervous system lens Stephanie and Casey shareSchool, Screens and Siblings — A free class relevant for families navigating school-based challenges discussed in this episodeUnderstanding PDA — A free class for deeper context on regulation and autonomy

This is the fourth episode in my series on PDA and restrictive eating, and this one is for therapists. If you are an occupational therapist, a speech language pathologist, or another type of therapist working with a child who isn't responding to gentle, play-based, sensory-based, or exposure-based feeding approaches the way you'd expect, this episode designed to help you. I share the full arc of my older son Cooper's journey with extremely restrictive eating, from the time he was four and a half years old and eating primarily three processed foods, through five years of occupational therapy, to where he is today. I walk through how we adapted the SOS feeding protocol over time to incorporate autonomy, equality, lower demands, play, and connection to special interests. I also share five specific strategies you can bring into your sessions.Key TakeawaysThe Sensory Lens Is Not Enough | 00:02:04 I share how Cooper's restrictive eating was initially understood through a sensory lens, and how, for about a year and a half, that framing guided his therapy. But the sensory lens alone was not sufficient to explain the patterns I was seeing or to help him expand his eating. What I came to understand was that his survival drive for autonomy was also a major factor, and that the two had to be held together rather than treated separately.What Was and Was Not Working | 00:11:56 I walk through what was working in the early stages of occupational therapy, specifically the therapist's focus on establishing relationship and rapport before moving to skill acquisition, and the role that dopamine, novelty, and sensory-intense experiences played in Cooper's initial engagement. I also describe what was not working: visual schedules and laminated choice boards, pressure to describe sensory experiences verbally, and structured home-based feeding protocols. For a PDA child, I explain, even chosen structure can become an internal demand.Autonomy and Equality as Accommodations | 00:16:37 I describe two specific accommodations that became central to how we approached feeding therapy over five years: autonomy and equality. Autonomy meant shifting away from scheduled, structured feeding time and toward strewing, declarative language, and following Cooper's lead. Equality meant deliberately allowing him to win, be above the therapist and me in games, direct the session, and have the last word. I explain how these accommodations address the root cause of nervous system activation rather than managing the surface behavior.Lowering Demands in the Session | 00:29:35 I describe what it looked like to lower demands in the occupational therapy session itself, meaning doing things for Cooper that he was cognitively or physically capable of doing himself, so that his available capacity could go toward tolerating and engaging with food. I give specific examples and I address the common concern that this approach enables children rather than building independence, and explain why the logic is different for PDA.Special Interests as a Turning Point | 00:37:06 I describe the turning point in Cooper's feeding therapy, which came when eating became connected to his special interest in football. I explain how this connection made it possible to revisit things he had previously rejected, including the laminated food charts, but this time entirely on his terms. I also offer five specific strategies for therapists at the end of the episode.Relevant ResourcesFree Therapist Masterclass — Free class for OTs and therapists on PDA.What Is PDA? — Overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.Paradigm Shift Program —Our signature live coaching program where we walk families as they implement accommodations and move forward.

If you've heard me talk about autonomy, equality, and lowering demands before and thought, "But what does that actually look like at the dinner table?" — this episode is for you.This is the third episode in my series on eating and PDA, and it's the most practical one yet. I'm walking you through six concrete accommodations you can experiment with if your PDA child or teen struggles with restrictive eating: autonomy, equality, lowering demands, sensory accommodations, strewing, and novelty and dopamine. Throughout the episode, I share anonymized client anecdotes and real examples from my own life as a mother of two PDA sons — including how our family navigated mealtimes during the hardest years and what things look like now.This episode is meant to be an experiment you can try out and observe, not a prescription. I hope it it's helpful for you.Key TakeawaysWhy Restrictive Eating Happens | 00:00:00 Before getting into the practical tips, I revisit the causal logic for why eating is so often impacted in PDA children and teens. Control around eating tends to be the outcome of cumulative nervous system stress, and is often an attempt to reset autonomy and equality when a child can't find it in other areas of their life.Autonomy Around What, Where, When, How, and If | 00:03:43 I break down autonomy into five buckets — what, where, when, how, and if a child eats — and explain how each one shows up in practice. This includes examples from my own home, like allowing my son to eat in front of a screen for years, delivering food on demand, offering a buffet of options, and giving treats before or with meals without attaching conditions.Equality and Why It Matters at the Table | 00:22:41 I walk through what I mean by equality as a nervous system accommodation around food — not as a philosophical concept, but as something you can observe and act on. I share the story of how our family friend houseguests helped re-establish family dinners, and how my son Cooper started joining us at the table by running a drawing game where he was the judge and ranked all of us — an equality accommodation I sustained for about a year.Lowering Demands and the Sensory Intersection | 00:27:56 I explain what lowering demands actually means in the context of eating: doing things for your child they could technically do themselves, in service of helping them access food. I share examples like packing a 16-year-old's lunch, delivering pizza reheated to the exact right temperature, cutting crusts off bread, and wiping out Tupperware to eliminate even a molecule of moisture.Strewing, Novelty, and Dopamine | 00:35:51 I cover strewing — leaving food out without expectation — and why it works differently from direct offerings. I also share how we used novelty and dopamine in my son's feeding therapy, including a "game show" approach to sampling every variety of apple, and cutting apples into stars or making apple pasta with a Zoodler. I end with my hypothesis about why PDA individuals tend to seek dopamine, and what that means for how we can think about introducing foods.Relevant ResourcesWhat Is PDA — Background on PDA as a nervous system disabilityUnderstanding PDA — Deeper dive into PDA frameworks and accommodationsParadigm Shift Program — Our signature live coaching program where we walk with families as they implement accommodations and move their family forward.

In this episode — Part 2 of our series on eating and PDA — I walk through the 10 misconceptions about eating that I personally had to unlearn in order to help my son. These are beliefs that are completely reasonable for most children and even most neurodivergent children, but do not apply to pathologically demand avoidant kids and teens. I cover why "kids will eat when they're hungry" isn't empirically true for PDAers, why behavioral approaches (even gentle ones) can backfire, why restricting sugar may not be the strategy you think it is, and why looking at eating in isolation misses the bigger picture of cumulative nervous system stress.I also share what the research does and doesn't tell us, where the methodology gaps are when it comes to neurodivergence, and what has actually changed in our home over the years. If the approaches you've been trying aren't working — or are making things worse — this episode is for you.Key TakeawaysPDA Kids Won't Just "Eat When Hungry" | 00:05:52 I explain how PDA is defined by a survival drive for autonomy and equality that consistently overrides other survival instincts — including hunger. Even when a child is physiologically hungry, the internalized demand of needing to eat, combined with cumulative nervous system stress, can make eating impossible.Behavioral Methods Activate the Nervous System | 00:09:20 I walk through why behavioral approaches to feeding — including gentle ones like sticker charts, food rewards, or even subtly positive facial expressions — can backfire with PDA children. Because PDA is rooted in threat perception tied to autonomy, any method where a parent or therapist is the "decider" can trigger a nervous system response that makes eating harder, not easier.Restrictive Eating Is a Symptom, Not the Problem | 00:14:33 I describe how restrictive eating is often a tipping point — a symptom of cumulative nervous system stress that has built up over weeks, months, and sometimes years. Rather than focusing only on what happens at the moment of eating, I explain why it's important to look at the full picture of a child's daily life and accommodate across the board.Sensory Strategies Alone Won't Transform Eating | 00:26:15 I share how sensory-based feeding approaches, even fun and play-based ones, can still backfire if there isn't enough autonomy built in. I use an example from my own son's feeding therapy to illustrate how the lack of autonomy around engaging in a sensory protocol was causing him to avoid even the activities he enjoyed.Sugar, Bento Boxes, and Family Meals Reconsidered | 00:31:09 I go through several misconceptions I personally had to unlearn — including the idea that sugar is the main enemy, that colorful bento box meals represent good parenting, and that home-cooked family meals at regular times naturally lead to healthy eating. I share how I came to think about these differently for PDA children, including what actually changed in my own home over time.Relevant ResourcesWhat is PDA - a foundational overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.Free Burnout Masterclass - understand the burnout that can make restrictive eating so challenging for PDA kids.Paradigm Shift Program® - our signature live program where we support parents to help their PDA children and teens through and out of burnout so their whole family can thrive.CitationsLove Me, Feed Me - book by Katja Rowell.Schaefer, Michael, et al. "Experiencing sweet taste is associated with an increase in prosocial behavior." Scientific Reports 13.1 (2023): 1954.Hammons, Amber J., and Barbara H. Fiese. "Is frequency of shared family meals related to the nutritional health of children and adolescents?" Pediatrics 127.6 (2011): e1565-e1574.

If your child has dropped food after food, won't try new things no matter what you do, and every mealtime feels like a battle — this episode is the first in a four-part series where I get personal.I'm sharing the story of my oldest son Cooper, who at his lowest point was eating only Honey Nut Cheerios out of a single specific bowl. I walked through grocery store aisles sobbing, frantically looking for protein bars he might eat. I watched him go through the SOS feeding protocol in occupational therapy and add foods only to drop them again. I tried sneaking vitamins into his chocolate milk. Nothing was gaining traction — and I didn't understand why.In this first episode, I walk you through the years before I had a PDA lens: my own food-focused parenting, the Montessori methods I tried that he refused, the escalating meltdowns around eating, the developmental pediatrician who shamed me for not cooking every meal from scratch, and the moment I finally understood that the root cause of Cooper's eating struggles was not primarily sensory — it was autonomy and equality based.I also talk about what happened when I stopped the SOS feeding protocol, lowered demands around food, and gave him true autonomy around what, when, and where he ate — and what his eating looks like seven years later.This episode is for parents currently in the fear of it, for parents whose children have been diagnosed with ARFID or anorexia and haven't responded to traditional approaches, and for feeding therapists and other professionals who are wondering if there is another way to think about what they're seeing.This is also the first episode in a four-part series. Part 2 covers the logic of viewing eating through a PDA lens. Part 3 covers practical accommodation strategies. Part 4 is tailored specifically to feeding therapy settings.Key TakeawaysThe mango slice that changed everything | 00:07:29 Cooper was about four and a half when he wanted a third or fourth mango slice and I said no. He physically fought me for it, and it escalated into a two-hour screaming meltdown. After that, he refused to eat mango slices entirely — dropping yet another food from his repertoire. That moment was one of the first times I saw the pattern, though I didn't have a framework for it yet.Why the SOS feeding protocol stopped working | 00:16:05 We started the SOS protocol — a 30-step sensory-based exposure approach — and early on it was progressing. Looking back, I understand now that there was novelty, one-on-one attention, and a lot of autonomy built into the early stages because he didn't have to actually eat anything. But when we moved the protocol into the home during the pandemic, the novelty and dopamine were gone, and the rigid structure became something his nervous system perceived as a demand. He stopped engaging entirely.Dropping foods rather than expanding them | 00:19:43 The occupational therapist noticed an unusual pattern: every time Cooper added a new adjacent food through sensory bridging, he dropped the one he had previously been eating. His repertoire wasn't expanding — it was staying flat. Through the PDA lens, I later understood that this was him exerting control to get back to nervous system safety: always needing to be in the position of the decider.The grocery store moment | 00:23:06 I was standing in the aisle of a grocery store frantically picking out protein bars in birthday cake and double fudge brownie flavors, anything I could have in my back pocket for him to potentially eat. I was sobbing. I had watched him drop chocolate milk — his one reliable source of protein. I didn't understand why nothing was working. That moment was when I knew that the frameworks I'd been using didn't apply.What shifted — and what seven years looks like | 00:26:46 When I finally understood that the root cause was autonomy and equality based — not primarily sensory — I made the decision to stop the SOS protocol, lower demands around food completely, and give him true autonomy: letting him choose what, when, where, and whether he ate, even if that meant Lay's potato chips, Pirate's Booty, and popcorn for almost two years. It was hard. There were moments I reverted, and I could immediately observe his eating reduce. But slowly, he began adding things back. Seven years later he eats carrots, apples, tacos, steak, salmon, pork shoulder, smoothies, pizza, and more — alongside processed food — and he is healthy and growing.Relevant ResourcesWhat is PDA? — Start here for a foundational overview.Free Burnout Masterclass — Cooper's eating crisis happened in burnout — learn more about burnout here.Is My Child PDA? — Take the free survey and/or class to help figure this out.

In this episode, I coach Danielle, a mom from North Idaho who is newer to the PDA lens and has already been making progress with her almost nine-year-old son — but is running into resistance from her husband and her parents, who help with caregiving. Her son has existing diagnoses of ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and disorganized attachment, and was adopted from South Korea. Since discovering PDA a few months ago, Danielle says everything clicked in a way that previous frameworks hadn't.Her question: how do you get the other adults in your child's life on board — and how do you trust yourself — when the people around you see things through a lens of disrespect and shame?We talk through why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe, especially because of masking and the fact that the child's most intense behaviors tend to happen with the safest person in the home. I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework for making nonviolent communication requests — specifically, how to make a concrete, bounded request of her parents and husband without needing them to believe in PDA at all. We also talk about how to track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so that the approach becomes an experiment with data rather than a philosophical debate.Danielle also shares a moment where her son described what it feels like in his body when he's activated: "like a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out." And she shares that he has already started using the language of regulation and dysregulation on his own.Key TakeawaysWhy the primary caregiver is usually leading the charge [00:02:02] I normalize the pattern Danielle is describing — where the primary caregiver, usually the woman in the home, is leading the charge on PDA because she feels the nervous system cost of demands and boundaries viscerally, while other adults don't have the same day-to-day experience.Why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe [00:08:31] I explain why PDA is especially hard for other adults to get on board with: because of masking, the child may appear fine or even well-attached in settings outside the home, which leads observers to conclude that the parent is a pushover — rather than recognizing that the child is internalizing the threat response and that activation is still accumulating.Using the PLATO framework with grandparents [00:17:04] I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework (Person, Location, Action, Timing, Object) for making a nonviolent communication request to her parents — specifically, asking them not to step in when her son says rude things at the dinner table. I explain that the request doesn't require them to believe in PDA; it only asks whether they're willing to try something for a bounded period of time.Turning a skeptical spouse into an experiment partner [00:34:52] I discuss how to approach Danielle's husband, who has been resistant and told her to stop "putting labels" on their son's behavior. I suggest framing it as a two-week experiment: asking him to view the behavior through the PDA lens and track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so the conversation is grounded in data rather than diagnosis.A child names his own threat response [00:50:26] Danielle shares that her son has already begun using the language of dysregulation and regulation on his own — and that when she asked him what it feels like in his body when he gets upset, he told her: "It feels like I'm a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out."

This is the first episode in a new behind-the-scenes series I am doing with Kendall, one of the coaches on the At Peace Parents team. Each month, we pull back the curtain on our own lives as parents who are practicing the same skills we teach, and on what these principles look like inside real coaching work with families.This episode is about radical acceptance: what it actually means, why it matters specifically for PDA families, and what it looks like in practice, not as an abstract concept, but in the messy, everyday moments of parenting a demand avoidant child.We start by defining radical acceptance through Tara Brach's framework, which I read directly from her book in this episode. From there, Kendall and I talk through what it has looked like in our own homes, including sleep arrangements, regressions that feel like they will never end, and the particular kind of grief that comes when you realize the approach you have been using is not working.I also share a detailed example from my work with a family whose six-year-old son was in deep burnout and engaging in a compulsive behavior around toileting. Kendall shares a case from her own coaching practice involving a child with food preoccupation and toileting difficulties whose parents had already been trying many of the right things but were still, unknowingly, maintaining an energetic pressure that the child's nervous system was picking up as a threat.We also address several misconceptions about radical acceptance that I hear regularly, including the idea that accepting your child means accepting harmful behavior toward a sibling, and the idea that if a decision is right for your family, your PDA child should be able to handle it without activation.This one is for the parents who are already doing the work and still feel like something is not quite landing.Key TakeawaysWhat Radical Acceptance Actually Means | 00:07:00 I read directly from Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance to ground the definition. Radical acceptance is not about approving of what is happening or giving permission for it to continue. It is about seeing clearly what is true in the present moment, in your own body and experience, without avoidance, control, or judgment, and then bringing compassion to what you find. It starts with the parent, not with the child.The Sacred Pause as a Practical Tool | 00:15:00 Kendall and I both describe how we use the sacred pause in our own homes when a difficult moment arises. The practice involves noticing a thought or feeling as it is, placing it on a leaf in a river or a wave in the ocean, and then welcoming it without judgment before moving into any action. I give a concrete example from my own experience doing floor-time play with my older son, including the physical sensations and intrusive thoughts I was having in those sessions.When Lowering Demands Is Not Enough | 00:22:00 Kendall shares a case from her coaching work involving a child whose parents had already pulled him from school, were bringing him food on request, and had done significant research on PDA. The behaviors around food and toileting were not improving. What Kendall identified was that the parents were still maintaining an energetic vigilance, tracking plates of food, cueing bathroom use, that the child's nervous system was registering as pressure. The shift came when the parents stopped tracking and stopped cueing, and the child's internal awareness began to return.Radical Acceptance With Compulsive Behaviors | 00:32:00 I describe working with a family whose six-year-old in burnout had developed a compulsive behavior involving poop. Every intervention, including anxiety medication, behavioral approaches, and prompting, was making the behavior more entrenched and more hidden. The turning point came when the parents accepted, in their bodies, that their current approach was not working. From that place, they shifted their focus to what they could actually control: changing clothes, bringing water, cleaning the space daily. Over the following months, the behavior diminished significantly.Misconceptions About Radical Acceptance | 00:42:33 Kendall and I address the most common pushback we hear from parents. The first is the belief that they already accept their child, which is often true as love, but does not address acceptance of the trade-offs that PDA brings to daily life. The second is the belief that radical acceptance means tolerating a sibling being harmed. We clarify that you can still take action to protect another child while accepting that the action will likely increase your PDA child's activation in the moment. Accepting the disability means accepting that this is how their nervous system responds, even when you make the right call for your family.Relevant ResourcesParadigm Shift Program — Where Casey and Kendall teach radical acceptance alongside accommodationsBurnout — Context for families whose child is in the burnout Casey describes in this episodeMeet the Coaches — Learn more about Kendall and the At Peace Parents coaching team

In this episode, I coach Pam, a mom raising fraternal twin 10-year-old boys, both PDA and autistic, who present and react quite differently from each other.We talk through the socialization questions: what gets in the way, what actually helps, and why the issue for many PDA kids is not a lack of social skills but a nervous system that cannot access those skills in the moment.I introduce the concept of therapeutic equalizing and what it can look like as a daily practice at home. We also spend time on the harder, less tactical piece: what it means to stay in the energy of non-attachment when you have tried everything and your kids still did not go to the Dungeons and Dragons group.Key TakeawaysTwo PDA Boys, Two Different Presentations | 00:03:06 Pam describes how her twin boys, both PDA and autistic, present quite differently in the world. One masks heavily and comes across as capable and attitude-driven. The other shows his struggle more visibly and has been out of school since grade one. I use this as a starting point for the importance of not grouping two PDA kids together even when they share the same diagnosis, and why the expectations and experiments for each may need to start from different places. Why Socialization Struggles Are Not a Skills Problem | 00:19:34 For many PDA kids, the barrier to socialization is not that they lack the understanding of social norms. It is that their nervous system tips into threat perception in social situations, which blocks access to the skills they do have. I give the example of a child who understands not to call someone stupid but does it anyway when another kid grabs the controller, because the response is automatic, not chosen. What improves this over time is reducing cumulative nervous system activation, not practicing social skills in isolation.Therapeutic Equalizing as a Daily Practice | 00:27:30 I introduce the concept of therapeutic equalizing: intentionally creating space each day for a PDA child to be dominant, to criticize, correct, and control a trusted adult, while that adult responds with lightness, self-deprecating humor, and full acceptance. For Desmond, who is often in the position of yielding to his more dominant twin, this kind of deliberate one-on-one time may help him offset cumulative activation before it builds. Pam and I discuss what this could look like practically at home, including using strewing and sensory cues rather than direct invitations.How to Track Real Progress | 00:36:30 When parents feel like things are not moving fast enough, I come back to three indicators worth tracking over longer time horizons: nervous system activation, access to basic needs, and connection with safe people. Academic milestones, connection with friends, and hours at school are longer-horizon indicators that sit on top of these foundations. The Energy Underneath the Tactics | 00:43:29 Pam names something many experienced parents of PDAers feel: she knows the tools, she has been doing the work for years, and it is still hard. I reflect that what often remains after the tactics are in place is the energetic piece: the grief, the non-attachment, the letting go of what you thought your family's life would look like. PDA kids perceive the energy of a parent trying to control an outcome even when the approach looks accommodating on the surface. The work of releasing that is not a technique. It is an ongoing practice.Relevant Resources Tracking Progress — Free class on the indicators Casey discusses for measuring what is actually shiftingUnderstanding PDA — Free class with deeper context on the nervous system disability framework Casey referencesParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where therapeutic equalizing and equality accommodations are taught in full

Chris Deutch is a Chicago-based angel investor, founder of Lofty Ventures, and a PDA adult who only recently found the language to make sense of his own childhood. In this conversation, he and Casey trace his path from a kid being carried into school kicking and screaming to a twenty-seven-year career backing entrepreneurs.They talk about what PDA actually looked like in his childhood, including food rigidity, school refusal, and the moment his father's words changed everything. They also explore the overlap between the PDA neurotype and entrepreneurship: autodidactic learning, passion as a regulator, problem-founder fit, and the drive for autonomy that makes traditional employment so hard.This episode is for parents who want to hear what growing up PDA can lead to, and for adults who are hearing this language for the first time and wondering if it fits.Key Takeaways What PDA Looked Like in Chris's Childhood | 00:03:58 Chris describes being carried into school kicking and screaming, refusing to go most days during his early years, and eventually being moved to a smaller school with more resources. He reflects that he was likely in burnout during that period without having any language for it. He also shares a specific memory of food rigidity: he would not eat a Ritz cracker if it was broken, and mashed potatoes had to look exactly like they did on TV. He was prescribed milkshakes by a doctor because he was so underweight. The Moment Autonomy Changed Everything | 00:08:18 Chris describes a turning point in his junior year of high school. His father sat with him over a bad report card and told him he was done pushing, and that Chris needed to decide for himself whether getting into a good college was something he wanted. Chris describes this as his first epiphany. The following semester, he got nearly straight A's. He connects this directly to the PDA pattern: once the goal became his own decision rather than an external demand, he was able to access the focus and effort that had previously been unavailable to him. Passion as a Nervous System Regulator | 00:14:38 Chris and Casey discuss how, for PDA individuals, passion functions differently than it does for most people. Chris describes losing track of time, forgetting to eat, and staying up until 4AM teaching himself computer graphics in college, entirely self-directed. Casey connects this to what she has seen in her own son, who taught himself to code and read through Minecraft because it had a purpose he cared about. Chris describes using this pattern as a litmus test he now shares with others: the things you do where you forget to eat and lose track of time are probably your passions. PDA Strengths and Entrepreneurship | 00:41:32 Casey and Chris identify several PDA-associated strengths that appear to support entrepreneurial thinking: autodidactic learning, the drive to transform and create rather than follow existing paths, energetic radar for reading people quickly, and a strong orientation toward equality and collective benefit. Chris describes the four criteria he looks for in founders he backs, and explains why the fourth, what he calls problem-founder fit, may overlap with how PDA individuals naturally relate to problems they personally experience and feel compelled to solve. Advice for Parents of PDAers and Neurodivergent Adults | 01:05:23 Chris offers two closing pieces of advice. For parents, he returns to the curling analogy he introduced earlier in the conversation: help grease the skids and guide the direction, but do not push. Give children the freedom to discover their own passions, and help them understand what passion actually feels like. For adults who recognize themselves in this conversation, he distinguishes between entrepreneurship as a career and an entrepreneurial mindset as a way of operating in any context. He describes the mindset as a skill that will become more valuable as AI continues to reshape the workforce, and encourages listeners to nurture it regardless of whether they ever start a company.Relevant Resources What Is PDA — Foundation for understanding the neurotype Chris and Casey discuss throughoutFinding Meaning — Free class relevant for parents and adults exploring PDA strengths and long-term perspectiveUnderstanding PDA — Free class for deeper context on autonomy, equality, and the nervous system disability framework

Ivy is a mom celebrating her almost 17-year-old son's GED . The years before this moment included school refusal, police contact, CPS involvement, inpatient treatment, and substance use. Things are calmer now, but the household is still walking on eggshells and Ivy is still trying to figure out what comes next.In this episode, Casey and Ivy talk through what addiction looks like through a nervous system and PDA lens, why the home Ivy has created is doing more than it feels like it is, and what the timeline for recovery actually looks like for a teen who has spent years in cumulative activation.This is one of the few episodes that goes into older teen territory, including the hard questions parents in this situation are living with but rarely see addressed.Key Takeaways Understanding Addiction Through a Nervous System Lens | 00:16:08 Casey explains how she understands addiction in the context of PDA: as a consistent attempt to get out of a physically uncomfortable state of nervous system activation. She describes the addictive swing between mobilization and immobilization and how substances, risky friendships, and dangerous behavior can all function as attempts to regulate a nervous system that has no other reliable pathway to felt safety. She references the work of Jan Winhall, who uses polyvagal theory to understand addiction through a felt sense lens. Why the Home Ivy Has Built Is Working | 00:20:39 Ivy describes her son returning home more frequently, self-grounding after hard nights, and spending time in his room in silence rather than staying away. Casey reframes this as evidence that Ivy has created an alternative to the addictive swing: a place where he can actually return to regulation. She names the trade-off clearly. The cost to Ivy is high. The benefit to her son is real, even when it does not feel like progress. The Timeline for Recovery in Older Teens | 00:34:18 Casey walks through why recovery takes longer for teens who have spent years in cumulative nervous system activation. She describes the process of building a window of tolerance from near zero, and explains why attempting therapy, job applications, or direct conversations before that window is established tends to close it back down. She suggests focusing the next six months to a year on deepening felt safety and waiting for him to initiate, rather than trying to move him forward before his nervous system is ready. What Useful Support Actually Looks Like at This Stage | 00:36:22 Casey describes what therapeutic connection can look like for a PDA teen who will not engage with formal therapy: a barista who does not judge him, someone who plays the same video game, a person on Reddit who sees him as he is. She makes the case that the modality matters less than the quality of the relationship, and that paradoxically, the only moment of real influence comes when a parent has fully released the goal of changing the child's behavior. Counting the Wins When Everything Still Feels Hard | 00:40:47 Toward the end of the conversation, Ivy names what is actually happening on this trip: her son is choosing to be with the family, getting in the ocean, teaching himself to fish on the local shore. Casey reflects that from that place of connection, the long-term trajectory can shift. The episode closes with Casey acknowledging how much Ivy has carried and naming the progress that is already there, even when it is hard to see.Relevant Resources Burnout — Free class with context for understanding the cumulative nervous system activation Casey describes in this episodeUnderstanding PDA — Free class with deeper background on the nervous system disability framework and what drives demand avoidanceParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where the low-demand approach Ivy is practicing is taught in full

This is part three of my hygiene and PDA series, and it is focused entirely on practical strategies. I cover bathing and showering, hair washing, hair brushing, nail clipping, hand washing, and getting dressed.I walk through four types of accommodations I use with my own sons and with the families I work with: lowering demands, autonomy, equality, and novelty combined with nervous system safety. For each hygiene category, I give concrete examples of what these look like in real life.If you are looking for the why behind hygiene resistance, I recommend starting with part one of this series first.Key Takeaways Why the Logic Matters Before the Tips | 00:03:35 Casey opens by explaining why understanding the root cause of hygiene resistance matters before applying any practical strategy. If the tips are used as behavioral tools to make a child comply, the child will perceive threat and exert more control. The goal is to lower cumulative nervous system stress over time, not to produce a one-time result. She distinguishes between hygiene resistance that happens in the moment and resistance that has built through months or years of accumulated nervous system activation.Prioritization and Deconditioning the Shoulds | 00:10:06 Before giving any practical tips, Casey invites parents to question which hygiene needs are genuinely health-related and which are driven by social conditioning or fear of judgment. She shares a personal story from fieldwork in rural Mexico that shifted her own perspective on hygiene standards. She walks through each category, including bathing, hair washing, getting dressed, and nail clipping, and names where there may be more flexibility than parents typically allow themselves. Lowering Demands as an Accommodation | 00:24:57 Casey defines lowering demands as doing things for a child that they are physically and cognitively capable of doing themselves, when their nervous system cannot currently access those tasks without activation. She gives detailed examples across hygiene categories: running the bath, adjusting the water temperature, bringing clothes to a child rather than expecting them to get their own, using wet wipes or deodorant wipes instead of requiring a full shower, and washing a child's hair or hands for them. She emphasizes that this is not enabling but a temporary nervous system accommodation. Autonomy as an Accommodation: Where, When, How, What, and If | 00:32:00 Casey breaks autonomy into five dimensions and applies each one to hygiene. Where can a child bathe, wash their hands, or get dressed? When do they do it, and can they choose the timing? How do they do it, and can that look different than expected? What do they use, and can they choose the products? And finally, if, meaning can we accept that sometimes it may not happen at all during a burnout period? She gives concrete examples for each hygiene category and notes that addressing autonomy goes to the root cause of what activates the nervous system. Equality, Novelty, and Nervous System Safety | 00:48:00 Casey covers more accommodation types. Equality accommodations involve letting the child feel above the parent, whether by letting them take over the parent's bath, having them brush the parent's hair first, or allowing them to wipe their hands on the parent's clothing. Novelty accommodations include remote control boats in the bath, foam soap, bath bombs with surprises inside, iPad access during bathing, colored hair spray, and special-interest themed clothing. She closes with nervous system safety: staying physically near during hygiene routines, using declarative language, and allowing a sibling's presence to co-regulate when that is available.Relevant Resources Burnout — Free class with essential context for understanding hygiene resistance as a sign of cumulative nervous system activationUnderstanding PDA — Free class with background on autonomy, equality, and the nervous system disability framework Casey builds on throughoutParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where lowering demands, autonomy, and equality accommodations are taught in full

This is the second episode in our three-part series on hygiene and PDA. In this episode we deep dive on helping your PDA child or teen go to the dentist and brush their teeth.Specifically, we support parents (and therapists) to understand:Why teeth brushing and going to the dentist are so difficult for PDA children and teensPractical tips they can use to help a PDA child or teen access teeth brushingSpecific examples of how to use autonomy, equality, lowered demands, novelty, and humor to support a PDA child or teen's teeth brushingStrategies and example scripts to use when speaking to the dentist or dental hygienist before your child or teen goes to their next appointment.I hope you find it helpful!xo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

This is the first of three episodes about hygiene and Pathological Demand Avoidance.In this episode I focused on how to think about PDA and hygiene struggles, and understanding the root cause of struggles around:Teeth brushingGoing to the dentistShowering and bathingHair washingHand washingNail clippingHair cuttingGetting dressedMore specifically, in this episode I talk through:The Deep Why behind hygiene strugglesSensory vs. Autonomy as a root cause of avoidanceThe cumulative nature of PDA and control coalescing around a basic need (in this case hygiene)Discernment - Asking yourself the right questions about burnout and whether hygiene is the "stickiest" basic need for your child or teen.Decision-making around boundaries before we worry about accommodationsI hope you find the show helpful. I'll release two more episodes on hygiene soon!xo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode I coach a mom of a 10-year-old PDAer who is in burnout (Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). The child loves to cook and bake but has a meltdown if family members clean up after her while she’s in the kitchen.She also melts down if others pass by her bedroom on the way to their own, which her mom has to do if she’s going to clean the kitchen after her daughter leaves.We talked through if Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was also present, but decided to focus on working through the PDA lens.We then used our decision making framework to determine how the mother could manage their bedtime routine in a way that would be more pleasant for everyone.I hope you find the conversations helpful. It's from Parenting PDA Your Way, the show we stream live on our social media on Fridays at 1pm ET.xo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode I talk with our coach Donna Georgen - parent of PDA 28- and 21-year-olds - about her top tips for parenting PDA teens.This is the second of two episodes in which Donna and I discussed this topic. In the first episode we covered five of her tips, and in this episode we cover five more.Here they are:Reflect on successNormalize discomfort and fearLet go of future fearsPause social media as neededBreathe -- you're doing great!I hope you find our conversation helpful!PS - Want to work with Donna to move your family forward? She offers private coaching that you can learn all about here.

In this episode I talk with our coach Donna Georgen - parent of PDA 28- and 21-year-olds - about her top tips for parenting PDA teens.We cover five of her tips in this episode and will release another episode soon with five more.Here's the first five:Try to keep autonomy and equality at the forefrontShift from parent to mentor-friendBe vulnerable and transparentRelease the pressure to figure it all outRedefine regressionI hope you find our conversation helpful!PS - Want to work with Donna to move your family forward? She offers private coaching that you can learn all about here.

In this episode Clinical Psychologist Dr. Alex Klein and I discuss ten common misconceptions about Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.Here are five from Dr. Klein:The parent of a PDAer is doing something wrong, especially if they've lowered demands.If a PDA child did something yesterday, they can do it again today.Accommodations won’t prepare PDA kids for the real world.Progress made by a PDA child is measured by what we see on the surface.Behaviorism (behavioral parenting) will be enough.And here are five from me, in strong collaboration with my PDA 11- and 7-year-olds:PDA kids are bad kids.How much freedom PDA kids need.It's not behavioral, it's stress.Why and when they can hide nervous system stress.Potatoes are green and they smell like poop :)I hope the episode is helpful to you!xo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

This episode is for parents who are interested in toilet training in a PDA-informed way.This the third episode in my three-part series on toileting and Pathological Demand Avoidance.In this episode I cover toilet/potty training with your PDA child or teen. Specifically, I cover the following:Is my child or teen in a good place for toilet training?Story of toilet training my older son before I knew of PDA, and why I think it still worked (spoiler - we intuitively did a lot of accommodating).10 tips for if and when you decide to toilet train your PDA child or teen.I hope this is helpful for you and your family.xoxo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode, I spoke to a grandmother raising her 8-year-old PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Drive for Autonomy) Autistic grandson who she had been homeschooling for a year-and-a-half after school trauma in first grade.We discussed:- Helping her grandson attend an in-person appointment with the pediatrician, so he could get a refill of his medication.- The different approaches she could take to decide her actions in this tough situation.- The fear of losing trust and the progress they have made by forcing him to the doctor's office.- Experimenting with ideas for how to prepare her grandson for the doctor's visit with an indirect mode of communications, and how to leverage his special interest of elevators to support him accessing medical care.We hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. It's from our live show "Parenting PDA Your Way" that I host on our social media at 1pm ET on Fridays.Warmly,CaseyPS - The grandma in this episode mentions our Paradigm Shift Program. Want to join the waitlist for the next cohort? Here's the link.

This is my second of three episodes about toileting and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy).This episode is focused on what to do if your child has challenges with:1 - Wiping2 - Accidents3 - Holding and constipation4 - Pooping outside the toilet5 - Peeing outside the toiletOf course, I'm talking through taking a PDA/nervous system approach to helping your child or teen with these challenges. If you want to take a deeper dive into understanding why your PDA child or teen has these challenges, please check out my previous podcast episode (Ep. 142).Also, in this episode I mention the decision making process I teach parents who are trying to decide when they should change their child or teen's diaper if doing so causes activation. If you want to learn more about making such decisions (or others), I teach how to do so in my free masterclass: School, Screens and Siblings, Oh My! Here's a link to where you can sign up for it for free:https://at-peace-parents-podcast.captivate.fm/sssohxo,Casey

This is my first of three episodes about toileting and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy).This episode is focused on how to think about toileting over the long term with your PDA child or teen. Specifically, I talk through:1 - Your questions in the following categories: wiping, holding and constipation, potty training, going outside the toilet, and accidents2 - Logic and root cause of toileting struggles through the PDA lens3 - What a stickiest basic need is and whether or not your child is in burnout4 - 5 things to try in your home now5 - Tracking progress so you can see clearly if this approach is helping your childI hope it’s a helpful episode for you.Xo,CaseyPS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode I spoke with a mom of a 4-year-old PDAer (Pathological Demand Avoidant) and a 10-month-old baby living in an apartment in Scotland.She had just learned about PDA one month ago and had already made huge and brave changes in her home and parenting to support he son.We discussed:- How to start making a parenting paradigm shift if you are new to PDA.- The importance of an experimental mindset as you are trying out new ways of supporting and accommodating your PDA child.- How to pick your priorities for boundaries in the home. In this case we focused on safety around the baby, bedtime, and bathing once a week.- How nervous system activation is cumulative over time (months and years) for PDA children and teens, which means we don't have to be perfect with accommodations, just consistent.This episode is from the show we stream live on Fridays on our social media, "Parenting PDA Your Way." I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!With love,CaseyMentioned in this episode:Want to check out our special "Try Before You Buy" offer for the Paradigm Shift Program. Use the link below to learn more and join the program waitlist to get access to the offer.Paradigm Shift Program

Sorcha Rice is an occupational therapist and the clinical manager of Neurodiversity Ireland, who I met at their 1st conference last year. She identifies as AuDHD and PDA and spoke with me about how she understands and experiences PDA, what her childhood and teen years were like before she was diagnosed, going through burnout and recovery, how she manages her nervous system now, and some of the practices she incorporates to support her PDA occupational therapy clients.It was wonderful to connect with Sorcha and hear her insights and so much of her story!I hope you enjoy it too.Xoxo,CaseyPS - You can find more about Sorcha on instagram at both @ot_sorcharice and @neurodiversityirelandAnd in our conversation she also recommended a resource for other OTs - Kim Barthel.

In this episode I speak with a mom of a six-year-old PDAer who wouldn't eat or drink and was extremely dysregulated during a holiday because of a loose tooth.We discussed:1 - how internal demands and losses of autonomy like losing a tooth matter as much as external demands.2 - the importance of understanding PDA as a fluctuating nervous system disability.3 - creative ideas for deepening accommodations the next time there is a loose tooth. I hope you find the episode helpful. It's from the show we stream live on our social media on Fridays, Parenting PDA Your Way.xo,Casey

Here's part 2 of my episode on the 10 hardest lessons I learned in 2025. They include:6 - Your PDA child can go into burnout even if you're fully accommodating them.7 - Burnout can feel like you are making no progress, especially with an internalizer.8 - Screens can be a wonderful thing.9 - Your kids will surprise you.10 - Spirituality sustained me.xoxo,Casey

Happy New Year! I'm kicking off 2026 by sharing the 10 hardest lessons I learned parenting my PDAers (often the hard way) in 2025. The first five are in this episode:1 - There are some things in life you can't outsource2 - The key to sanity is accepting constraints and finding agency within them3 - Doubt about PDA is the antidote to dogma4 - The importance of trusting yourself in the face of judgement5 - Burnout with trauma is different than burnout without traumaxo,Casey

In this episode I talk with a mom about her 7-year-old daughter - with PDA, ADHD and anxiety - about when she might help her build her frustration tolerance, and when she likely cannot.We also dive in on a specific challenge she was facing when her both her daughters need support at the same time.The conversation is from Parenting PDA Your Way, the show we stream live on our Facebook, Instagram and YouTube most Fridays at 1pm ET. I hope you find it helpful!xo,Casey

In this episode I speak with a mom of a PDA 14-year-old who regulates himself by wrestling his father after school each day, which causes Mom lots of anxiety. Together we use my cost-benefit decision making tool to weigh her options and she then decides a new strategy to try.We talked about the option of her leaving the house while the wrestling happens. And we talked through letting go of control of her husband's decision making around wrestling and care for his own back.I hope this episode is helpful for you. It's from Parenting PDA Your Way, the show we stream live on our Instagram, Facebook and YouTube most Fridays at 1pm ET.xo,Casey

In this episode I speak with a mother of a PDA teen about:Setting boundaries when other kids are involvedMaking decisions in public when you are being judgedHelping young siblings understand the PDA threat response.The episode is from Parenting PDA Your Way, the show we stream live most Fridays on our Instagram, Facebook, YouTube accounts.xoxo,Casey

In this episode I spoke with clinical psychologist Alex Klein about considerations when thinking about getting an evaluation for Autism or PDA as an adultmy own neurodivergencedoing therapy as a neurodivergent adultgetting an evaluation and therapy for your PDA child or teenI hope you find it helpful!xo,Casey

In this episode I speak with a mom about a time her daughter melted down and then wouldn't allow Mom to step away and take the pause she needed to regulate herself to be able to support her daughter. These situations are so tough - and sometimes there is nothing you can do but endure them - and so in this conversation we talked about how to find meaning in this parenting experience.This podcast episode is a recording of Parenting PDA Your Way, the show I host live on our YouTube and Facebook most Fridays at 1pm ET. I hope it's helpful to you!xo,Casey

In this episode I speak with a mom about her PDA daughter, who pinches and scratches Mom as she is falling asleep. It's a recording of Parenting PDA Your Way, the show I host live on our YouTube and Facebook most Fridays at 1pm ET. I hope it's helpful to you!xo,Casey

In this episode, I coach a mom of a nine-year-old PDA son who fixates on visiting the neighbors' houses the moment they get home from anywhere, and cannot move on when their kids are unavailable.We work through why this is happening through the PDA lens, what part of the brain is driving it, and why teaching social norms has not been enough to change the behavior. Then we go through the full cost-benefit decision-making methodology live, laying out every option that is actually under the parent's control and comparing two of them side by side across the whole family system.This episode is a clear example of what it looks like to apply the At Peace Parents framework to a very specific, everyday situation.Key Takeaways Why the Neighbors Are a Triple Draw | 00:09:00 I explain why this mom's son is pulled so intensely toward the neighbors' houses. For PDA kids, there are four things that tend to regulate the nervous system: another safe nervous system, dopamine-seeking novelty, a special interest, and screens. The neighbors appear to offer three of those at once. They are novel, they likely represent safe nervous systems, and for some PDA kids, other children are a special interest in themselves. Understanding the pull this way shifts the frame from "bad behavior" to "nervous system seeking regulation." The Survival Brain Is Not Only Meltdowns | 00:13:09 This mom had an insight during our conversation that I think many parents will recognize. She had been thinking of the survival brain as something that only shows up during full meltdowns. Through our discussion, she realized that the constant movement, the inability to settle, the fluttering from one thing to the next, may also be the survival brain operating below the threshold of a visible crisis. When a PDA child is not in a state of felt safety, they are in some degree of perceived danger, even if it does not look like a meltdown. Teaching Social Skills Has Limits Here | 00:12:22 I walk through why focusing on teaching social norms, such as counting to twenty before leaving the door or understanding that neighbors may not want to play, has not changed the behavior. The issue is not that he lacks the knowledge. It is that when he is in his survival brain, he cannot access what he knows. The skill is there. The access is not. This distinction matters for how parents think about where to put their energy. The Cost-Benefit Decision-Making Method | 00:20:19 We go through the full cost-benefit methodology live in this episode. The process starts by naming constraints, then reframes the challenge as a decision point, and lays out every option that is under the parent's control, not what the child can be made to do. We then compare two options by looking at the cost and benefit to each person's nervous system in the family: the PDA child, mom, and dad. The result is a clearer picture of which option has the best net outcome for the whole family system, and a decision the parent can experiment with consistently. Communicating With Neighbors About Direct Language | 00:53:44 One of the practical next steps that came out of this session was the importance of asking neighbors to use very direct, unambiguous language when the child comes to the door. Phrases like "maybe later" or "she has a game and might be back at six" create a window of possibility that the child cannot move past. A clear "we can't play today" allows him to process and redirect. We also talk about how to have that conversation with neighbors in a way that feels comfortable, including how much to share and how to frame a diagnosis.Relevant Resources What Is PDA — Background on the nervous system disability framework Casey uses throughout this episodeParadigm Shift Program — Our signature program where the cost-benefit decision-making methodology is taught in fullClarity Masterclass — Free class for parents still determining whether PDA fits their child's profile

Samantha's 13-year-old PDA daughter wants to buy things all the time, and gets dysregulated when her parents say "no." It's a common and difficult problem for many parents of PDA children and teens, and in this week's episode I talk it through with Samantha.The episode is a recording of Parenting PDA Your Way, the show I host live on our YouTube and Facebook most Fridays at 1pm ET. I hope it's helpful to you!xo,Casey

In this episode I talk through how I've come to realize my second son is also PDA - with a more internalized expression than my first - and how the process has been both similar and different from the first time. I hope it's helpful for you :)

In today's episode I speak with Megan, the mother of an 8-year-old PDAer who equalizes against her sibling on the walk to school. Megan comes up with something to try for a couple weeks to see if it's helpful. I hope the conversation is helpful for you, too :)

In this episode I talk with Carrie - mother of a 12-year-old PDAer - about how to support her son when he gets dysregulated by not knowing what to do during free time - especially after school and on weekends.

In this episode I coach Lierin as she navigates the equalizing her 5-year-old daughter does against her 8-year-old sister. Specifically we discuss how to help the older daughter understand PDA and the "unfairness" it brings about.

Sometimes our PDA children equalize against us and it triggers us - perhaps because of our own neurodivergence, childhood trauma, or other challenges. In this episode of the podcast - from our new live show - I coach Christine through such a situation with her PDA daughter. I hope it's helpful for you <3

This episode is a conversation with Dominique, mother of a 4-year-old PDAer who equalizes against her 2-year-old. Dominique also has a third child, and joined our live show - Parenting PDA Your Way - to talk through how to handle these situations.I hope you find our conversation helpful. xo,Casey

In this episode I work with Megan, a mom who is frustrated that what other adults think about her parenting impacts her, and unsure if this is an obstacle to radical acceptance of her child's PDA. Thank you Megan for sharing your story to help other families. I know many of us can relate!Also, this is the first podcast episode where I share the coaching conversations I'm doing on my new show: "Parenting PDA Your Way". We're live streaming the show most Fridays at 10am ET on Facebook and YouTube.