PODCAST · society
Broken to Brave
by Southgate Media Group
Early in 2018, I realized I was about to turn 50. To say I reacted strongly would be an understatement. I was in shock. I was devastated. Angry. Scared. Hopeless. I took to my bed. About 6 months later, I forced myself out of bed. I had wasted my adult life hiding in fear. I couldn't get those years back, but I could try to salvage the years I had left. I challenged myself to do 50 brave things before I turned 51. As I worked through the numbers on my list, I found strength I never knew I possessed. I found the hope that I had lost. I found freedom from my past. I found the will to push past my fear and finally live. This is the story of my year of living dangerously.
Episodes
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I Shared My List - Number 50
Once in a while, we do something that marks a "before" and "after." This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by number 50. And because the list never quite ended, I...
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I Drew Attention to Myself Physically - Number 49
So much of my life has been spent worrying about what other people think. I stressed over what people would think of how I was dressed, my hair, my makeup or lack thereof, my weight, my shoes, whether the colors I was wearing suited my complexion. Does anyone remember when we had to know what...
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I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing - Number 48
When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don't watch. We don't look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? Someone will take away the scary or gross thing, the scene in the movie will be over and you'll be able to come out from under the blanket. So when I…
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I Approached a Group of Fans at the Pole - Number 47
Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn't think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, "What if I interrupt and they stare at me awkwardly? What if I'm not welcome?" Forcing my...
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I Talked to Gillian Without a Shield - Number 46
I've spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I've repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn't gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I've been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't push…
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I Went Out on the Deck of the Viewing Area at Tate Modern - Number 45
Maybe it was the adrenaline rush and momentum from riding the London Eye because, not long after, I found myself deciding to attempt yet another height related challenge. Our Airbnb host told us where to find one of the best views of the city which is how I found myself white knuckling it as I...
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I Stood at the Window - Number 44
I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn't know if I was capable of more. I wouldn't have seen the view which looked so very different from the window. I wouldn't have a shared...
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I Rode the London Eye - Number 43
I have always been terrified of heights. I don't like rides that go up in the air. I'm also afraid of drowning. I'm not a good swimmer and I have asthma which adds another layer of anxiety for me. The one absolute I had when we were planning our trip to London was that I would not be riding the...
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I Didn't Numb Out - Number 42
It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. We don't have to look very far for ways to distract ourselves. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. This was the last layer of the work I had been doing...
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I Got Tattoos - Number 41
Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded easy enough until I remembered that to get that visual...
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I Pumped Gas - Number 40
When you struggle with anxiety and/or social phobia it is very easy to avoid certain tasks or situations and let someone else do them for you. It seems helpful at the moment and it can be hard to see the downside. For me, the downside was that my life was getting smaller and smaller and my...
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I Let an Artist Draw My Face - Number 39
I am surrounded by people who live to get their pictures taken. They do photoshoots for fun. I am not one of those people. I've always hated getting my picture taken and struggle with the vulnerability that comes with being "seen." When we produced a fan event for C2E2, I never in a million years...
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I Shared My First Draft With Someone - Number 38
I struggled with perfectionism for much of my life. I have improved a lot over the years, but not when it comes to my writing. Sharing my early writing is something I only do with Rob and Molly. I don't let others see it until it is more complete...more polished. I was even more nervous about…
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I Attempted the Gym on a Saturday - Number 37
So often I have kept my life small by avoiding situations that scared me. The only way out of that pattern is to root out where you are still stuck and push through the fear. Sometimes you need to follow the path to its conclusion and other times, like this one, just going through the steps and...
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Beta'd - Number 36
I have always tried to control my environment in order to feel safe. I don't like to even go to a restaurant without reading everything on their menu. I don't like surprises and I sure as hell don't like to do anything without knowing the rules and what to expect. Learning as I go? God no. Which…
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Volunteered to be on a Podcast I Didn't Know - Number 35
Sometimes things ended up on my list because I pushed through tremendous fear to achieve them and then there are times like this where the list takes on a mind of its own. I was gaining so much confidence by this point that I was jumping in before the fear had a chance to stop me. The act of...
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Made a Phone Call - Number 34
I've always hated to make or receive phone calls. I'm sometimes okay once they get started, depending on the person and the reason for the call. More often than not, however, I end up talking over the person or having awkward silences. Video calls make it worse... well, because they're video. I...
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Played in the Snow - Number 33
One of the hardest things for me to face on this journey was the loss of my playful side. I used to be fun and I wanted it back so I took a chance. I was so scared that it was gone completely, but I pushed through the fear, put on a thousand pieces of clothing, and went outside to do number 33 on...
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Bought Tickets to a Play in London - Number 32
Sometimes an idea is planted and we allow the door to open just a crack. We allow ourselves to think, "What if?" Or "Maybe that could work for me, too." And sometimes it takes on a life of its own and becomes more than we ever dared imagine. This was one of those times. I cracked open that door…
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Worked on My Sleep Habits - Number 31
I've always been jealous of people who could use sleep as an escape. Sleep, for me, has always been a struggle. I wanted it to be a time of peace and rest, but it was often the opposite. Hypervigilance, fear, and anxiety were my constant nighttime companions as I waited for morning to come. Night...
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Rejoined the Gym - Number 30
Some of the items are very straightforward and there's a clear reason it's on the list. For this one, there are so many reasons. I had to get past the financial fears, taking resources for myself, going somewhere alone, wearing workout clothes in public, and on and on which is why I did number 30...
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Went Back - Number 29
Grief is brutal. Just when you think you're through the worst part and are back on your feet, a wave hits and you're swept back in the water. I avoided going back because I didn't want to relive that horrible experience the day my dad died. I didn't want to relive the days that followed. I didn't...
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Called My Mom - Number 28
One of the harshest realities that I have ever had to face is that sometimes we are born into a family we don't belong in. Sometimes we stay longer than perhaps we should have because we so desperately want to make it not be so. There are so many more opportunities to fix it, right? Maybe if I…
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Acted in a Commercial - Number 27
As hard as some of the items on my list have been, it's times like these that really made me question why I ever started this project! I was making progress, by once again getting paid, so I could see how the list was changing me and changing our lives, but I was seriously beginning to question…
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Accepted Positive Personal Feedback - Number 26
I listened to the tape recorder in my head that repeated what my abusers used to tell me. As a result, I allowed the voices of the people who surrounded me and truly loved me to be drowned out. My therapist had me do an exercise where I asked people to tell me my most positive qualities in order...
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Accepted Help - Number 25
I had a lot to overcome to accomplish this step. I had tremendous guilt about taking/using resources whether that was material goods, money, time, etc. I was stuck in a scarcity mindset. I also held myself to a standard that I would never expect others to live up to, yet I expected myself to do…
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Assistant Directed - Number 24
Agreeing to do something and actually doing it are two very different things. I have always excelled at the first one but often bailed before getting to the second one. I was afraid of not being able to deliver. I was afraid of being held accountable for the outcome. I was simply afraid. This…
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Allowed Myself to Get Paid - Number 23
I had a lot of misguided beliefs about money. Those beliefs kept me from seeing my worth and caused me to devalue myself. This spilled over into every aspect of my life and destroyed my self-esteem. Taking this step was imperative for my health and well-being. I knew I could not move forward…
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Volunteered To Be A Beta For FanFic - Number 22
My pattern was to agree to something or sign up for something and then panic and back out. I battled the anxiety of not knowing what I was getting into, not knowing if I would have a person I could rely on when I was there, whether I would do a good job at whatever it was, etc. This step was…
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Connected With My Fandom on Tumblr - Number 21
By this point in my journey, I was realizing how taking these steps had released me from so much of my generalized anxiety. I was doing things without overthinking. I was calmer. I was breezing through parts of my day that would have normally derailed me. I felt lighter. I felt like I was on the...
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Volunteered to get interviewed on a podcast about music that is important to me - Number 20
Music has always been my lifeline. There are songs that saved my life, songs that gave me strength, songs that made me feel I could take on the world, songs that gave me hope or gave me a voice or gave me validation and songs that made me feel understood and seen. So for me to get a chance to…
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Got Therapy - Number 19
I struggle with taking resources from my family for something that is just for me. That's how I found myself at 50 with a lifetime of unresolved trauma. Thankfully, through intervention by a friend, I had that stumbling block removed and no longer had a barrier to getting help. The hardest part,...
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Noticed It, Named It, Felt It, Let It Go - Number 18
It may be apparent after 16 episodes that I struggle the most with feeling my feelings. This exercise I learned in the WE book challenged me to push myself to the next level. It helped me so much that it's a practice that I still use in my day to day life when I fall back into old patterns and…
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Didn't Get Sucked In - Number 17
It's very hard to break behavior patterns, especially ones that are lifelong and steeped in dysfunction. For me, guilt and fear would keep me coming back to situations, and people, which were extremely unhealthy and unsafe. I was determined to break this pattern so when the next opportunity arose…
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Accepted Praise - Number 16
I was conditioned to believe that accepting praise or a compliment meant that I was full of myself or had an overinflated sense of self. In order to accomplish this number on my list, I had to override my negative beliefs, my desire to deflect or diminish the praise being offered, and my fear of...
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Hosted An Event - Number 15
Speaking in front of a crowd to do a keynote address wasn't enough, apparently. I decided to challenge myself by also hosting/emceeing the event which meant introducing each set. It wasn't pretty and there were plenty of mistakes along the way, but I lived to tell about it...this is number 15 on…
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Gave a Keynote Address - Number 14
With all the fears I've had in my life, I don't think there was one that rivaled my fear of public speaking. Facing this fear head-on was absolutely terrifying and it took the most prep of any of my other steps so far. I had to get through the fear of putting my words and story on paper. I had to...
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Attempted to Host a Game Show - Number 13
Sometimes the path to healing involves a game show, a microphone, and publicly failing...in front of a live audience and on multiple live streams. You know you're on the right track when making a fool of yourself is no longer the thing you fear the most. I was much more scared, at this point, of...
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Found Beauty In All Things - Number 12
Finding beauty in the world around me helped me to see the beauty in myself. It taught me to see that broken is beautiful, that cracks in us won't be restored, and that we can't go back to what we once were, yet we can create something even better. We can become strong in our broken places and...
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I Dueled - Number 11
There is something so empowering about challenging yourself to do something and not choosing the easy path. I could have participated and chosen someone that would have been a better match or someone who would have taken it easy on me. In choosing the biggest challenge, I gained more confidence,...
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Put on a costume and allowed myself to be part of the story - Number 10
By now, I was starting to realize how much I kept myself back from really living. Trying to be invisible takes a lot of work and it's exhausting. My fear of ridicule and judgment caused me to avoid and, therefore, miss out on so many moments throughout my day to day life. Instead, I was left with...
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Volunteered To Be In A Documentary - Number 9
I've never been one to do things without overthinking, planning every detail, and considering every possible outcome. It was always easier to get someone else to just do it for me. This time I didn't allow myself to think. I just seized the opportunity and that's how I found myself at number 9 on...
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Publicly Fangirled - Number 8
I've let so many opportunities pass me by because I wanted to be invisible. I was always too afraid of ridicule or judgment. I knew, this time, that I could not let that fear rob me of this opportunity. I pushed through the fear and I jumped in with both feet right into number eight on the…
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Played Volleyball in My Bathing Suit - Number 7
I spent my adulthood saying no to so many things because I was afraid I would look stupid or because I was ashamed of my body. This was a huge turning point for me. I was putting myself on display doing something I'm not good at while wearing something that made me vulnerable. This is number 7 on...
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When It Rains... Let It - Number 6
When you are raised in chaos and have no safety net, you develop tools to survive. One of the tools I used was to attempt to control as much as I could to minimize the damage. Controlling my feelings was especially important and I excelled at it. This number on the list was about unlearning the...
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Let Go - Number 5
When I found myself at this step of the journey, I was still avoiding the pain and doing my best not to acknowledge my triggers. I would act out. I was holding on so tight to the fear that I couldn't move forward so I had to let go and get still and quiet and just sit in it. This is number 5 on…
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Felt the Pain - Number 4
I spent my life avoiding pain. I'd dissociate. I'd escape into worlds I created in my head. I was so scared to let myself feel the feelings because I thought they would consume me. Taking this step was terrifying and necessary. This is number 4 on the list... felt the pain. If you enjoyed this...
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Got Out of Bed, Took a Walk, and Told the Truth - Numbers 1, 2, & 3
This is where my journey to bravery began. To break out of my fear and heal my life, I challenged myself to do 50 brave things in one year (my 50th). It wasn't easy. Trauma needed to be healed and fears had to be overcome. In this episode, I share the first three numbers on my list. If you…
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Introducing Broken to Brave
Southgate Media Group is proud to introduce the most personal podcast it's ever presented. Broken to Brave follows the journey Martha W Southgate throughout her 50th year to regain control of her life.
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Early in 2018, I realized I was about to turn 50. To say I reacted strongly would be an understatement. I was in shock. I was devastated. Angry. Scared. Hopeless. I took to my bed. About 6 months later, I forced myself out of bed. I had wasted my adult life hiding in fear. I couldn't get those years back, but I could try to salvage the years I had left. I challenged myself to do 50 brave things before I turned 51. As I worked through the numbers on my list, I found strength I never knew I possessed. I found the hope that I had lost. I found freedom from my past. I found the will to push past my fear and finally live. This is the story of my year of living dangerously.
HOSTED BY
Southgate Media Group
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Broken to Brave have?
Broken to Brave currently has 49 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Broken to Brave about?
Early in 2018, I realized I was about to turn 50. To say I reacted strongly would be an understatement. I was in shock. I was devastated. Angry. Scared. Hopeless. I took to my bed. About 6 months later, I forced myself out of bed. I had wasted my adult life hiding in fear. I couldn't get those...
How often does Broken to Brave release new episodes?
Broken to Brave has 49 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to Broken to Brave?
You can listen to Broken to Brave on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Broken to Brave?
Broken to Brave is created and hosted by Southgate Media Group.
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