PODCAST · comedy
Can't Report That
by Can't Report That
Three friends, countless shifts, and a massive list of stories that never made the official log. Join us on Can’t Report That as we share our most "un-reportable" career highlights, host industry guests, and provide expert (and often exhausted) commentary on the wildest security fails trending online. From Reddit deep dives to TikTok viral clips, we’re proving that the truth is always weirder than the incident report. If you’ve ever seen a security video and asked "What were they thinking?"—we’re the ones with the answer.
Episodes
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Episode 17: Camping and Car Accidents
Security stories? Not this time. In Episode 17 of Can't Report That, we take a break from the job and prove that we're just as dangerous when we're off the clock. We kick things off with the hilarious story of a camping trip that somehow went exactly as wrong as you'd expect, followed by a...
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Episode 16: Windows Are Hard / Bathroom Adventures
Sometimes the most unforgettable calls aren't the dangerous ones—they're the ones that leave everyone trying not to lose it. In this episode of Can't Report That, we share a collection of stories involving people who had some... unexpected run-ins with their surroundings, along with a lineup of…
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Episode 15: Medical Emergencies
Security work can get serious fast—but sometimes the stories are so ridiculous you can't help but laugh afterward. In this episode of Can't Report That, we share some of the funniest, weirdest, and most unbelievable moments we've had treating injured people while working security. From bizarre...
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Episode 14: Big Mike/ NSFW Video
Some people are unforgettable... and Big Mike is one of them. In this episode of Can't Report That, we introduce you to one of the wildest characters we've ever encountered on the job. From bizarre interactions to moments that had us questioning reality, Big Mike has a way of turning an ordinary...
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Episode 13: Big Dxck Stories
Every job has its regulars. Some become legends for all the right reasons... and some earn a nickname that tells you everything you need to know. In this episode of Can't Report That, we introduce you to two unforgettable regulars: Mary, who always kept life interesting, and "Dick," a guy who...
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Episode 12: Embarrassing Stories
We spend a lot of time telling stories about the wild things other people do... but this time, we're the punchline. In this episode of Can't Report That, we're sharing some of our most embarrassing moments on the job. From awkward mistakes and spectacular brain farts to the kind of situations…
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{Sneak Peek} Episode 12.2: Embarrassing Stories
{Sneak Peek} Episode 12.2: Embarrassing Stories. Episode 12 releases on 05/25/2026.
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{Sneak Peek} Episode 12.1: Embarrassing Stories
{Sneak Peek} Episode 12 Trailer 1. Episode 12 releases on 05/25/2026.
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Episode 11: A Guy Named Gillie
Every city has that one person everyone seems to know... and for us, that was "Gillie." In this episode of Can't Report That, we share some of the craziest encounters we've had with a regular known for his explosive temper, unpredictable behavior, and constant chaos. From bizarre confrontations…
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 11.2: A Guy Named Gilli
[Sneak Peek] Episode 11.2: A guy named Gilli. Episode 11 releases on 05/18/2026.
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 11.1: A Guy Named Gilli
Episode 11: Gilli: Trailer 1. Episode 11 releases on 05/18/2026.
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Episode 10: Sky Gets Punched By A Kid
People always assume the adults are the ones causing trouble... but sometimes the kids steal the show. In this episode of Can't Report That, we dive into the moments where the little angels were actually the problem. From disrespectful teenagers and kids making questionable life choices to...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 10.2: Sky Gets Punched By A Kid
Episode 10: Trailer 2: Sky Gets Punched By A Kid. Episode 10 releases on 05/11/2026.
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Episode 7: Pxnis Butter Cookies
Some people you meet once and never forget. Others somehow find a way to become a recurring problem. In this episode of Can't Report That, we share some of the wildest encounters from the job, including Sky's ongoing adventures with a woman who takes things to a whole new level—including the...
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Episode 8: Wigga
Some stories are so ridiculous that even we have a hard time believing they actually happened. In this episode of Can't Report That, we dive into some of the strangest moments from the job, including the time Cu found himself involved in a viral Seattle moment featuring a naked guy, a water...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 10.1: Sky Gets Punched By A Kid
Episode 10: Trailer 1: Sky gets punched by kid. Episode 10 releases on 05/11/2026.
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Episode 9: Nxpple Nibble
A good partner can make a tough shift easier. A bad partner can make a bad situation a whole lot worse. In this episode of Can't Report That, we talk about the partners who made us wonder if we were working as a team or just trying to survive the shift. From questionable decisions and being left...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 8.2: Wigga
Episode 8: Wigga: Trailer 2. Episode 8 releases on 04/27/2026
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 9.2: Nxpple Nibble
Episode 9: Nxpple Nibble: Trailer 2. Episode 9 releases on 04/27/2026.
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 9.1: Nxpple Nibble
Episode 9: Nxpple Nibble: Trailer 1. Episode 9 releases on 04/27/2026.
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 8.1: Wigga
Episode 8: WIgga: Trailer 1 . Episode 8 releases on 04/27/2026.
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Episode 7 : Pxnis Butter Cookies
A crazy lady embarrasses Sky with some Penis Butter Cookies
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 7.2: Pxnis Butter Cookies
Episode 7: Penis Butter Cookies: Trailer 2. Episode 7 releases on 04/20/2026
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 7.1: Pxnis Butter Cookies
Episode 7: Penis Butter Cookies: Trailer 1. Episode 7 releases on 04/20/2026
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Episode 6: Oliver Gets Punched
Some security stories are weird. Some are intense. And some sound like they came straight out of a movie. In this episode of Can't Report That, Oliver shares one of his most unique experiences: working security for Colin Kaepernick and the situations that come with protecting someone who's...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 6.2: Oliver Gets Punched
Episode 6.1: Oliver Gets Punched Trailer 2. Episode 6 will be Released on 04/13/2026
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 6.1: Oliver Gets Punched
Episode 6.1: Oliver Gets Punched Trailer 1. Episode 6 will be Released on 04/13/2026
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Episode 5: Scary Stories Part 2
You thought the first round of scary stories was bad? We weren't done. In this episode of Can't Report That, we’re back with Part 2 of our scariest security stories—the encounters, situations, and moments that made us stop and think, "What the hell is happening right now?" From unsettling calls…
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 5.2: Scary Stories Part 2
Episode 5: Scary Stories Part 2: Trailer 2. Episode 5 Releases on 04/06/2026.
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 5.1: Scary Stories Part 2
Episode 5: Scary Stories Part 2: Trailer 1. Episode 5 Releases on 04/06/2026.
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Episode 4: Scary Stories
Not every shift ends with a funny story. Some moments stick with you long after you clock out. In this episode of Can't Report That, we step away from the laughs and dive into some of the creepiest, strangest, and most unsettling experiences we've encountered while working security. From eerie...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 4.2: Scary Stories
Episode 4: Scary Stories: Trailer 2. Episode 4 Releases on 03/30/2026.
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 4.1: Scary Stories
Episode 4 Scary Stories: Trailer 1. Episode 4 Releases on 03/30/2026.
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Episode 3: Billy
Every job has that one person who becomes a legend. For us, that person is Billy. In this episode of Can't Report That, we share some of our funniest and most unbelievable encounters with one of our most memorable regulars. Billy has a special talent for turning ordinary moments into complete...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 3.2: Billy
Episode 3: Billy: Trailer 2. Episode 3 releases on 03/23/2026 at 4:30 AM
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 3.1: Billy
Episode 3: Billy: Trailer 1. Episode 3 releases on 03/23/2026 at 4:30 AM
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 2.1: Saving The Girl & Fen-nol Guy
A quote from the Whale Lady
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Episode 2: Saving The Girl & Fen-nol Guy
Some shifts are funny. Some are stressful. And some become stories you’ll never forget. In this episode of Can't Report That, Cu and Sky share two completely wild encounters that went from routine to life-or-death in a matter of seconds. One situation pushes them to their limits and nearly turns...
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Episode 1: Dolphin Dive
Welcome to Can't Report That—where the stories from the job are too crazy to stay on the job. In our first episode, we introduce the team: Oliver, Cu, and Sky—three security professionals with no shortage of unbelievable stories from the front lines. We kick things off with some hilarious stories...
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[Sneak Peek] Episode 1.1: Dolphin Dive
Dolphin Dive
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Three friends, countless shifts, and a massive list of stories that never made the official log. Join us on Can’t Report That as we share our most "un-reportable" career highlights, host industry guests, and provide expert (and often exhausted) commentary on the wildest security fails trending online. From Reddit deep dives to TikTok viral clips, we’re proving that the truth is always weirder than the incident report. If you’ve ever seen a security video and asked "What were they thinking?"—we’re the ones with the answer.
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Can't Report That
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Can't Report That have?
Can't Report That currently has 40 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Can't Report That about?
Three friends, countless shifts, and a massive list of stories that never made the official log. Join us on Can’t Report That as we share our most "un-reportable" career highlights, host industry guests, and provide expert (and often exhausted) commentary on the wildest security fails trending...
How often does Can't Report That release new episodes?
Can't Report That has 40 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to Can't Report That?
You can listen to Can't Report That on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Can't Report That?
Can't Report That is created and hosted by Can't Report That.
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