Cold and Blue

Content note: this episode discusses severe child abuse, trauma, and grief.Adult language is also used.If you’d like to read the written version of this episode and see the documents, photos, and materials connected to it, you can subscribe to Cold and Blue on Substack. That’s where I’ll be sharing the deeper written pieces and the supporting evidence behind each episode.If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, you can call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.Our neighbor, Mrs. Carpenter, made that call. Without her, there is no complaint, no judgment, no record that any of this happened. Jonah and I stay in that house. I don't let myself think too long about what comes after that. What's in the paid Substack postThe official  child abuse complaintYearbook photo of "Mother"The door to the basementthe basementThe houseThe marriage licenseSupport the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

CONTENT WARNING + DISCLAIMERBefore we begin, a content warning. This episode discusses suicide, overdose, infidelity, child abuse, child neglect]. If any of that is hard for you to hear, take care of yourself however you need to. If you’re struggling, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. Everything I say in this episode is my opinion and interpretation, not established fact, unless I specifically note otherwise. I’m telling you what I believe happened and why. You can decide for yourself what you make of it. All photos and documents connected to this episode are available under the Upgrade button on Substack Once you upgrade and refresh you will see all the extras.📄 EVIDENCE IN THIS EPISODEDocument: Full Death certificateDocument: Judgment Entry In RE: Chelsea Smith AbusedDocument: My original birth certificatePhoto: ObituaryDocument: Proof Chuck was married and living in Ohio August of 1986 Less than a month after my mom died.Support the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

Content Warning:This episode includes difficult conversations about child neglect, postpartum depression, and possible attempted matricide. Please take care while listening.Listener Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum depression, you can call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA / 1-833-852-6262 for free, confidential, 24/7 support.Special thanks to Kate for her vulnerability and her willingness to share her experience. To see photos pertaining to this episode make sure you are subscribed to the $5 Tier on Substack.Support the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

This episode contains discussions of child abuse, foster care abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, adoption trauma, and the death of a parent.Please take care of yourself while listening.If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, suicidal thoughts, or emotional crisis, in the United States and Canada you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline 24 hours a day.You are not alone.📸 Subscriber Note: How to Access Photos & DocumentsOnce you hit the Upgrade button on Substack, and go through the prompts, all photos, documents, and archival materials connected to this episode will appear right here on this same page — just below where the Upgrade button was. It's Just $5 and it helps a lot!This episode has an extra link where I go through the videos on camera and explain and give context.All you need to do is refresh the page after subscribing, and everything will load automatically. No hunting around, no separate links.Paid subscriptions help support records requests, research, travel, and the continued production of Cold and Blue.Support the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

Content Warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional neglect. Please Take of yourself while listening.A note before you listen — this episode was originally recorded differently. This week someone came out of the woodwork to remind me of my place. To question why I had gone no contact. To perform hurt about being disregarded. It sparked something in me. That felt a lot like rage.I went back and I recorded the truth. The whole truth. The version I have been too careful to say out loud until now. So if this episode feels different from the others — it is. Because I am done being careful about this particular chapter.If you want to help the investigation and get member only updates — early access to episodes, uncut recordings, and documents and photos as they arrive — all of that lives in the $5 a month Member Tier. Thank you in advance for being here.Support the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

When I was in school I got in trouble for something stupid. I handed my dad the letter and he held it for a minute, looking at me. I braced for my punishment. Instead he handed it straight back to me — unopened — and said: “I know that whatever it says in here is not who you are. And I know you can do better.”That is my dad in one moment. He didn’t need to open it because he already knew me. That’s what it feels like to be truly seen by someone.My dad is my dad. He raised me. He loved me. He chose me — completely, unconditionally, and against anyone else’s opinions or reservations about whether I belonged. He smelled like Old Spice and coffee. He had a way of making you feel seen and safe. He had a song for every single situation life handed him. And he made sure I always had a place. Always.I know that peeling back the layers of plaster and paint he put up to protect me feels like digging at something that was buried for me and never meant to be retrieved. When I feel that familiar fear creeping in — like I’m about to get in trouble for saying too much — I come back to that letter. I am allowed to tell my story. And telling it does not take one thing away from the man who gave me a safe and loving childhood.If anything it is because of him that I can do this at all.My dad spent years shielding me from Chuck. Patching the wound carefully and lovingly so I could grow up without the damage Chuck intended to leave behind. He erased him the way you patch drywall — smoothed over, painted, invisible. He did it out of love. I understand that now in a way I couldn’t when I was small.But Chuck is different.The simple answers I was given as a child — “he got in trouble,” “he can’t be around or have children anymore” — don’t hold up the same way anymore. I don’t have to guess what he’s capable of. I lived it. And so did Jonah. What Jonah carried didn’t stay in the past. It stayed with him in ways that were deep and lasting and not something you just move on from. And yeah, it stayed with me too — until I decided to face it and no longer let Chuck have any sort of power over me. For as long as I can remember my Aunt would sometimes stop what she was doing and look at me and say: “That was the worst case of child abuse ever in the State of Ohio at the time. Chelsea, you lost all your hair from stress. That was a lot for a little girl.” And I would stay silent, hoping for more. Hoping a hug followed. Something. But like most of my history it was dropped on me in small doses. No follow up expected.Later, when I started this journey in 2018, I heard it again from a different source — how bad it was, how we were hospitalized, malnourished, old injuries and new ones. Knowing this, and knowing the gaps, and knowing what I know now, has haunted me ever since.So when I say I have questions, when I say things don’t sit right, it is not coming from nowhere. It is coming from experience. From memory. From things I saw and felt and am still unpacking. I am not an outsider looking in. I am someone who was there.And that is why I can’t let this go.——————————————————————————About a week before my dad died he was still alert. I went to give him a hug, my Aunt behind me telling me to hurry up and leave. I leaned in close and whispered: “You’re my favorite.”He whispered back: “I know.”——————————————————————————He died on April 25th, 2008.Jonah was found dead in his apartment four hours later. Same day.I am telling this story for both of them. And I think if my dad were here he would hand this back to me — unopened — and tell me he already knows it’s my story to tell.He would tell me I can do better than staying silent.——————————————————————————Please listen to the audio at the beginning of this article for more information, and updates on the investigation. Hey! also if ySupport the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.

A NOTE BEFORE WE BEGINI am not writing this to upset anyone. You have a choice whether you read it or not. I want to be clear about that before we go any further.All of this is my experience, my views, my truth. For my entire life my story has been told for me. Rewritten. Pages removed. In some cases whole chapters. My story went like this: “My mom was really sick, and she died when I was two. My biological Dad was a bad guy and stole us in the middle of the night and brought us to a new house in Ohio, he hurt us really bad, and the Police came and then Jonah and I went to separate foster homes. My Aunt and Uncle did not like the idea of us being separated and they held hands looking deep into their hearts and decided they would happily adopt us..and we lived happily ever after.”I am sure you can guess that this fairy tale only lasts so long as my ability to stay silent.I spent a long time being the good girl, avoiding uncomfortable feelings, wearing whatever identity kept the peace. But masks get heavy. Identities you didn’t choose get heavy. And at some point you put them down whether it’s convenient for everyone else or not.This is my series about finding my half siblings. It is also my exploration of something I have carried like an elephant on my back for a long time — the belief that my mother did not die of Crohn’s disease the way I was told.The truth is I don’t know exactly how my mother died. What I know is what I was told, what the adults around me knew, and what I have been able to piece together. I will tell you exactly what I find — even if what I find proves me wrong. You can read all of it and decide for yourself. But it is time to start pulling at the loose thread.I am writing this for my brother Jonah, who spent his life tortured by what he saw. For my mother Kathy, whose life should not have been snuffed out the way it was. And for my grandfather, who showed up the morning she died and was turned away at the door — who wanted her body exhumed — and who spent the rest of his life knowing something was wrong, until the weight of it slipped him into depression and alcoholism and took him too.When I found my half siblings I had to upgrade the understanding of our biological father from terrible womanizer to something far worse. I essentially showed up and vomited my experience all over the table.But here is what all five of us — that we know of — can agree on: he is a sperm donor. That is the beginning and the end of what he is to any of us.This is the story of what I found when I finally went looking. I hope you’ll stay for all of it.——————————————————————————PART ONE: THE MISCONCEPTIONThis is not a series about disrespecting the people who raised me. This is not vindictive or impulsive. This is not me intentionally causing pain for the sake of it. What this is — what this has always been — is me refusing to swallow the lies any longer. A family full of secrets, lies, abuse politely labeled as growing pains, boys being boys. I have been forced to shut up and step carefully around landmines instead of walking straight toward the truth. My entire life I was made to feel like I had to be continuously grateful for something that was never my decision in the first place.Protecting people who never deserved it. I am done with that.Thanks for reading Pink & Pearl ! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Finding my half siblings was like picking up puzzle pieces I had lost long ago — the ones that complete the entire picture. Not just the painted pretty parts. But the edges and the corners — all the pieces you should have built first to see the whole picture.The thing we can all agree on — every single one of us — is that our biological father is not worth the breath it would take to say his name. Collectively, unanimously, without hesitation: he iSupport the showSpecial thanks to Jamie for her assistance in retrieving records, to Kate for her investigative insight, and to Dale for helping fill in important missing pieces.Cold & Blue is written and produced by Chelsea, with executive production by Lisa Sydney.To read the companion article and access documents, photos, and additional materials directly related to this episode, subscribe to Cold & Blue on Substack.