Crappy Castles

Episodes

1. 39

   39 – Love is a Battlefield

   Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies. 🏰 RE:...

   Feb 2, 2023

   42m
2. 38

   38 – The Sleepy Seas

   Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow! 🏰 RE: RE: New Year, New You Clippings To...

   Jan 5, 2023

   45m
3. 37

   37 – O Tannenbomb!

   🎄 Sweet silver bells, it's Ian and Travis! 🎄 And they're building a festive edutainment adventure that teaches the storied (and controversial) history of your Yuliday tree. So listen up, because there is a quiz afterwards, and it IS mandatory! Plus: attack of the Wintaur! Saint Steve sucks! And...

   Dec 22, 2022

   37m
4. 36

   36 – BABY'S FIRST BOSS RUSH

   Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch...

   Dec 8, 2022

   37m
5. 35

   35 – Shanksgiving 2022

   HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners! 🦃🔪 Dear underlings, Apparently I have upset Jack the Flapper with the most...

   Nov 24, 2022

   33m
6. 34

   34 – Oops! Fall Druids

   OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it. 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— The employee refrigerator in the break room is there for...

   Nov 10, 2022

   34m
7. 33

   33 – So Cool It's Spooky

   Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions! 🏰 To all Royals and...

   Oct 27, 2022

   45m
8. 32

   32 – Cursed-de-Sac

   JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint! 🏰 To the witches and warlocks of Royals and...

   Oct 13, 2022

   44m
9. 31

   31 – Kiosk Quest

   In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment. Also we coin the term "Fluffback" Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday...

   Sep 29, 2022

   39m
10. 30

    30 – 2 Fast 2 Mad About It

    This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there! IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO [email protected] 🏰 FROM…

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    Sep 15, 2022

    38m
11. 29

    29 – Escape from Wisconsin

    Lactose sensitive adventurers BEWARE! 🥛 Travis, Adron, and (GASP!) Ian create a world that is so immersive, so rich, so creamy that it MUST be Wisconsin. Plus: How is Ian back? Did Adron actually mong cheese? How quickly do cheese curds multiply if they're alone in a crawlspace? THE ANSWERS WILL...

    Sep 1, 2022

    35m
12. 28

    28 – Five Stages of Grief

    Travis Royals and a SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST attempt to design an adventure to help one special listener deal with the loss of their favorite podcast co-host. (Note: It is totally not the former co-host of this podcast, Sir Ian of the Hills.) Plus: deals with god, Michael's Bay, and how to roll a…

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    Aug 18, 2022

    36m
13. 27

    27 – The Company Man

    Travis has shunted Sir Ian into a strange pocket dimension which leads to an encounter with a questionable former employee, the elusive company man. They make lemons into lemon flavored goblins by taking this as an opportunity to collaborate. 🏰 FWD: FWD: HR will not longer handle employee...

    Aug 5, 2022

    33m
14. 26

    26 – 1st Annual Performance Review

    Sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It’s been ONE WHOLE FISCAL YEAR of this podcast and so it is time to take stock what has worked and what hasn’t, as well as set goals for the future. Travis and Ian don’t do any of that in this episode. But thanks for…

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    Jul 22, 2022

    29m
15. 25

    25 – Designing Dragons

    Travis and Ian peel back the scales on the realms most beloved winged and treasure hoard lovin’ denizen to get makeover befitting of Royals & Royals. There are actually some cool ideas in this one. Also some crappy ones. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya:...

    Jul 8, 2022

    37m
16. 24

    24 – Oops, All Tortles!

    The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is…

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    Jun 23, 2022

    30m
17. 23

    23 – BOSS RUSH #2

    The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: hi...

    Jun 9, 2022

    38m
18. 22

    22 – Kid Playground for Kids

    Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: DO NOT CASH OUT (NOT A THREAT)…

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    May 26, 2022

    33m
19. 21

    21 – Microtransactional

    When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the...

    May 12, 2022

    29m
20. 21

    DM Box #1 (LEAKED PATREON EPISODE)

    DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles

    May 5, 2022

    23m
21. 20

    20 – The Taxman Cometh

    IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic...

    Apr 14, 2022

    33m
22. 19

    19 – A Side Called Quest

    Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new...

    Mar 31, 2022

    33m
23. 18

    18 – B.O.S.T.O.N. 2022

    🍀 MAY THE LUCK OF THE ORCISH SMILE ON YA! 🍀 Travis and Ian go on a futuristic journey set in the scary cyber-port city of Beantown, MA. Including such futuristic locales as SHIPYAHDS and DIVEBAH. Plus: Murphy, Molly, and a protestant, Prius driving snake. (Adron also made a really good quiz…

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    Mar 17, 2022

    33m
24. 17

    17 – The Desserted Island

    Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose...

    Mar 3, 2022

    41m
25. 16

    16 – Catboy Paradise

    Kitty in my dungeon and I want to touch it! Travis and Ian craft the perfect adventure to run with an all tabaxi party, complete with fits, sits, and the fanciest of feasts. Plus: dosed Gogurt, the dunes of Purrakis, and Ian invents a really cool hand gesture that nobody has done before. 🏰 RE…

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    Feb 17, 2022

    37m
26. 15

    15 – Fire and Ice: A Song of Them

    Break a leg! Or several! Travis and Ian are writing a hit play based on the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire". The only problem? They don't know what that is. Plus: frozen jerky, extremely fungible tokens, and a look at Ian's feetnotes. 🏰 RE: RE: A Cease of Crows. A Dance with Desists. To all...

    Feb 3, 2022

    31m
27. 14

    14 – Dungeon Design 101

    Ever wanted to build a one-shot like the big dogs??? Then look elsewhere! Travis and Ian are telling you literally everything they know about building a great adventure, and for at least one of them, it ain't much.

    Jan 20, 2022

    30m
28. 13

    13 – Anger Managed

    Travis & Ian are pressure testing your party with a frustrating quest through the fantasy furniture store Eye-KEA. Plus: court ordered sheep counting and rollin' vibe checks in the backseat of the Gremlin. 🏰 RE: RE: LIMITED TIME! GET IT BEFORE IT_DROWNS! HELL O EMPLOYEE I AM YOUR BOSS MR…

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    Jan 6, 2022

    35m
29. 12

    12 – The Spirits of Winter's Crest

    ❄️ MERRY TIMES! ❄️ Travis is uncharacteristically jovial this Winter's Crest season. Meanwhile, Ian's socks have been soaked by the Gasoline Goblin. Must be a naughty halfling! Anyway, the premise of this episode is that the boys prescribe each other Winter's Crest spirits in a passive aggressive...

    Dec 23, 2021

    33m
30. 11

    11 – Stay in School, Stephen!

    Ah, fifth grade. The calm before the puberty storm. In this episode, Ian teaches us the value of a good education, Travis insists on the opposite, and everybody learns a little bit about what made the boys the way they are. Plus the laziest rivers, number crunching, and the caper of the Watson...

    Dec 9, 2021

    30m
31. 10

    10 – Shanksgiving

    Travis forces Ian to work on Shanksgiving and they dig up a letter that's one holiday too late. Plus the Summer of Toucan Sam, gravyshots, and Ian finally does his Jerry Sheinfeld impression. 🏰 RE: RE: CRAPPY SHANSKGIVING! Due to the recent changes in the stock options, i.e. their being…

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    Nov 25, 2021

    31m
32. 9

    9 – HMS Hard Pill

    Ian and Travis solve an elderly heiress's hiccups FROM THE INSIDE. And give you an airship adventure that you'll never forget. Plus: cab-sav-blancs, catch-your-own dinners, and the greatest pun in Crappy Castles history. WANT US TO BUILD YOU A DUNGEON? SEND YOUR LETTER TO…

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    Nov 11, 2021

    31m
33. 8

    8 – Top Five Fey Facts

    Learn all about the Feywild in an episode more aimless than a beholder with cataracts! if you're running or about to run The Wild Beyond The Witchlight, this podcast won't help in any way shape or form. Plus: lint types! Email your letters to [email protected] and we may build you an...

    Oct 28, 2021

    26m
34. 7

    7 – Honey, We Shrunk The Party

    Looking for a botanical adventure? Try these tiny trials through Travis's topiaries! Plus bug budgets, frogs unhemoth'd, and an allergic reaction to displacements. If you want the boys to build you a daggum dungeon, email your letter to [email protected]. 🏰 _RE: RE: BANDWITCH ISSUES Some...

    Oct 14, 2021

    40m
35. 6

    6 – Aunt Rebessica's Etiquette Manor

    Ian learns how to be a fancy lad while slurping liquid chicken. Travis tells him no a lot. Adron makes the best sounding episode yet. Plus a new pixie, horse cotillion, and the origin of vicious mockery. 🏰 _RE: RE: HEY. LISTEN. We've received a lot of complaints about the notification fairies…

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    Sep 30, 2021

    40m
36. 5

    5 – Can-Ya-Keep Petting Zoo

    Finally, a reason to be proficient in Animal Handling! This adorable adventure involves blink chickens, dire walruses, and Travis's crippling fear of bats (and subsequent brush with superheroism). 🏰 RE: RE: PTO (RE)QUESTS Somber vacation or exotic funeral on the horizon? Don't forget to submit...

    Sep 16, 2021

    29m
37. 4

    4 – BOSS RUSH #1

    The boys come up with a bunch of big bads in our first ever BOSS RUSH. Featuring The Mmmmm, Flying Slime Recylcer, Tiny Bastard, Travis's dad, and Cardboard Cretin. 🏰 RE: RE: WINNERS DON'T USE TIME Despite the decriminalization efforts throughout the Forgotten Realms, time is still a class three...

    Sep 2, 2021

    43m
38. 3

    3 – Atlantis III

    Travis desperately tries to one up his father while Ian desperately tries to get a word in. It's an underwater adventure that, if anybody asks, is for a good cause. Plus mass extinction, reverse mermaids, and the invention of the key conundrum. 🏰 RE: RE: SUGGESTIVE BOX Once again: writing a…

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    Aug 19, 2021

    41m
39. 2

    2 – Freaky Fredericksburg

    Travis Royals and a newly knighted Ian of the Hills create a horrific one-shot that will have you asking, "Who is the real monster?" (Spoiler: it's the monsters.) Plus dire flamingos, deus ex french toast, and a close call with Willy Nilly himself. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a...

    Aug 5, 2021

    35m
40. 1

    1 – Camp Aarakocra

    Mornin' crappy campers! In this pilot 'cast, Travis Royals and Ian of the Hills design a summer camp for something called an eagle scout. Featuring bug juice rapids, a drider named Gary, and a peek into the boss's childhood torment. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to...

    Jul 22, 2021

    52m