Crooked Little Girl

I've thought of myself as the crooked girl with the crooked life since childhood. Here's the story behind the name of this podcast.

It's a new realization that I might not die or be raptured today. I never thought I'd live past my childhood. Age 30 would never be reached, not even close. I was given proof every day for my first 35 years of life that Jesus is about to return and I will escape all the consequences of my current choices. Here's what that was like.

Evangelicals introduced me to a God who heals everyone, in every way. Body, soul, finances, everything! That God was amazing. I'm learning that this was a false hope, held out by people who are afraid to live in the chaotic middle ground where some things are not healed.

I describe my own childhood homeschool experience, and contrast it with the Unschooling I did with my own kids. I talk about the pros and cons of homeschooling, along with daily life stories and why people even bother to keep their kids home.

God and my husband required me to put my Masters degree and any potential jobs on an altar. Today I dive into ways that Evangelical systems disconnect us from reality in very compelling, confusing ways.

My friend Alisa joins for a conversation that touches on too many interesting topics to list! She tells of her journey from Baptist to Catholic, the messy aspects of cultural church life in contrast to Jesus' original teachings, the ways liturgy can bring more freedom rather than less, and much more. Bear with our glitchy Zoom call audio issues at the beginning, it’s a great conversation! Alisa is my oldest friend, a writer, wife and mother, a deeply thoughtful and intelligent woman.

Dr Heidi Brocke of the fabulous podcast It's Not Normal It's Toxic is here today to chat about what a toxic relationship is like and what it's like to co-parent with them. Look for her at coachingwithdrheidi.com.

The Bible passage about our bodies being temples of the Holy Spirit is one of the most triggering for me. Here’s what happened when it came up in the liturgy yesterday at church.

* This episode somehow hit a glitch with the uploaded audio leaving a segment out. If something seemed off, here's the fixed original version! And if you never heard the one with a missing mid-sentence glitch, enjoy! Our society acts like grief is a short term event and that trauma or adversity makes us stronger. I disagree. Some griefs shatter us in ways we can't fix and trauma makes us broken and exhausted!

Here's the story of what happened when my ex stopped the car on the way to our marriage. Not our wedding, just the marriage ceremony at a firehouse. I look at the scene as I viewed it then, and look again with new eyes today.

Evangelicals, you said life would be awful if we got divorced. Here’s the real story!

This discussion was very meaningful and helpful for me, and I know that others will really enjoy it! If you've never been in an abusive relationship, this will give you some understanding of what your family members or friends in destructive relationships have experienced. If you're curious about the dynamics of navigating a spouse coming out as gay and trying to coparent with someone in that situation, this is a really interesting peek into that!

Dear Evangelicals, you made Jesus look like the devil and you made abuse look like a noble, holy sacrifice for God. Your crooked gospel led to the domestic violence I describe here.

Dear Covid, you reached into my future life in earth shattering ways when you infected me in 2020. I’m in a bad flare now. This is my description of what it’s like to suffer from you.

Dear Evangelicals, you work hard to protect and preserve marriage because it’s sacred. At the same time, you fail to protect actual people like my kids and I, who should be seen as more sacred and of more value than the institution of marriage. Let’s look at the ways my ex and his mom twisted reality to portray me as crazy and had your unwavering support in keeping me trapped.

Christians told me my mysterious medical problems were demonic torment. Doctors told me I was anxious, clumsy and too skinny. After 16 years I found out the invisible reasons were Dysautonomia and having a crooked eyeball. I know from experience that church is the hardest place to endure a chronic illness, especially when doctors don’t even believe that you’re sick.

Dear Evangelicals, your gospel is crooked. Your lifestyle is crooked. That’s why I’m a crooked girl who’s trying to unravel and untangle this life that was warped by you. You praise and enable abusers while requiring the victims to lay down their lives or turn their cheeks. This is my new view of your crooked teachings.

Dear Evangelicals, you avoid fear and other uncomfortable emotions like the plague. I learned that God is actually with us when we’re afraid or suffering. Here’s the story of finding the God of peace in my son’s ICU room and being seen as faithless when I tried to show people that Jesus is near us when we suffer.

Dear Evangelicals, you act like children! You act powerless and irresponsible. You’re not grounded in reality about relationships or many other facets of life.

Dear Covid, you’ve wrecked my body in so many ways but you also brought me out of a cult and a soul-killing marriage. Nothing else in life gave me the determination or awareness about those things the way that you did.

Dear Evangelicals, you pointed out so many sins during my tumultuous last year at your church that I started keeping a list of them! Little did you know that I would laugh at the absurdity of them when Ingot away from you.

Dear Evangelicals, you look at me in horror like I’m a terrifying monster. I think I know why.

Dear Evangelicals, you’re so afraid of pain and sadness that you cheerfully expect me to be happy when my husband moves out after decades of him abusing me? This letter is what I say to that!

Dear Evangelicals, my marriage was always under attack. I thought Satan was the attacker but it turned out that my husband was abusing me. I close with the poem “Worth the Pain?”

Dear Covid, why did you hide while you destroyed so many things about my body? Why didn’t you show up on the tests? Your hiding made it so much harder! You made me look crazy.