Dear Pod,

Do you feel that. THAT is warmth coming through the weekdays and a hopeful sign that winter is finally behind us. Wait. No. I just looked at the weather for this week and it's forty nine degrees on Tuesday and eighty degrees on Friday. OK. We are going to pause all of this for a few months and come back when we can all agree on what season we are in. Happy Summer.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Hello, Dear Listener. I'm not sure I've told you this yet but did you ever know that you're our hero? You show up every week and judge us quietly from the privacy of your home. For that we are grateful. As a THANK YOU, we present you with this week's offering of laughter and bitching. Cheers To You! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Spirit Airlines, Nightmares & Picasso.Once again, we are all over the map in this week's episode.Would you have it any other way? Exactly.Welcome to the Pod! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Welcome to The Ballroom! Today's theme is APNEA REALNESS. Show us what you've got. Walk the runway. Activate the CPAP machine. NOW DIP! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

It's the episode you have waiting for. It's six years in the making and this special guest makes his debut in front of the DEAR POD microphone. Grab the kiddies. Pour a drink. Get comfortable. For you are about to experience the GREATEST GUEST IN DFEAR POD HISTORY!Erin is here, too.Shoutouts this episode to @rachelbrosnahan, @tomhanks, Spike @thehulagirls and Anders  @AndersErickson   ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

OK, Dream with me. The Maha'a Tiki Bar just inherited five million dollars. The world is our oyster. Besides the obvious Velvet Elvis that we are going to commission for behind the bar, how else are we going to blow out this bar to piss off our neighbors? God, I love this game. Welcome to the Lounge! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Per Patty's lead, we will be taking a Black Light to the Maha'a Tiki Bar. We don't know what we will find, but sure enough, it will not end well. Come on in. Take a seat. Wait. No. Not on that couch. Trust me. You'll thank me later.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Let's warm up those vocal cords before we all launch into this week's "mini-sode". We're singing songs that make no sense but who cares. We've got commitment behind our eyes and in our voices. Sure, our mothers had no idea what "Afternoon Delight" meant when they were singing it to us with the radio while they were packing up our school lunches. It doesn't matter. They were committed and off-key. Exactly what we needed it to be. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Listen. I understand that you're here for this week's episode but we don't open for another five to ten minutes. If you need to kill time, I'm sure the Assia Bowl place down the block is open. We'll see you soon...in five to ten minutes. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Glad you could make it for the "mini" episode today. If you want to bring a guest along, you are encouraged. As a matter of fact, ask Mrs. Callahan from down the street. You know, the older lady who seems nice but you have no idea what her name is? Yeah. Her. Her name is Mrs. Callahan. We guarantee it. Invite her over.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Are you looking to shed a few pounds? Well, look no further because you have come the right place. With the help of MOTH and her newly found love of making salads, we here at the Ranch will get you looking trim and healthy in no time. Sure, MOTH serves her salad with a side of cake but don't let that stop you from making poor decisions. Come on in. Your barstool is waiting. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We have proof if you don't listen and enjoy this week's episode, Patty's mother will find you and give you a firm talking-to. On that note, once you hear this episode, you will never experience feminine hygiene the same way again. Enjoy! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

So much to discuss. Erin was on the Sherri Shepard Show. MOTH has a trainer. And Patty seems to love the idea of becoming a U.N. translator. Grab a high top and welcome to the Lounge. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The blizzard has hit. We are snowed in. But, fear not. There is enough booze in the Maha'a Tiki Bar to get us through to next winter. In the meantime, I'll need you to grab a shovel. Those steps to the Pineapple Ranch aren't going to shovel themselves. The Management thanks you. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Erin just got back from L.A. She's full of stories and perhaps a song. She'll give you stories but we've asked her not to sing the songs. You'll thank me for that later. Put on your sun screen and oversized Hollywood glasses and enjoy the show. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Patty is in desperate need of the guidance of Dolly "Dr. Shirley" Parton in this weeks episode. All Erin can get tell him to do is read the side of her stomach for comfort and clarity. If that doesn't make any sense to you, well, you tuned into the right program.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Get out your long underwear. We are freezing in the Pineapple Ranch this week. We would love to tell you that this week's podcast is sponsored by LL Bean. If that were true we would probably get free gloves or scarves. But it's January and all the stores are pushing Spring/Summerwear and their new line of bathing suits. In the meantime, we're lighting a bonfire in the middle of the tiki lounge. Summer is just around the corner. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

I have no idea what other podcasts are talking about today but I guarantee  you that no one is as timely as we are here at The Pineapple Ranch. Don't believe me? We mention great names like Guy Lombardo and Shelley Long. That's right. We are at the forefront of what the kids are digging' these days. Do we still say 'diggin'? Well, dig this...Welcome To The Maha'a Tiki Bar! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We're 'whisper singing" on the pod today and I thinking we are going to be the next big thing in the world of podcasts. God, we sound good. I'm sorry you can't hear us but believe me, we're killing it. We are current. We are relevant. We ARE Dear Pod. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Target, Costco, BJ's...Japan. Do you really want to spend any unnecessary time there during the holidays? Does the Far East have any room for Erin or should she just stay where she is and be happy with that? That and other answers to questions you didn't ask are just a click away. CHEERS! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Let's get the New Year started with an episode that goes in a million directions. There's something for everybody here: Coffee, Gray Cats, Connie Sellecca. Pull up a barstool. You've arrived at DEAR POD. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Our intent was to give you a Year-In-Review episode. What we are giving you, is one of the most delicious, late, Christmas gifts from Patrick himself. A story of CONFIDENCE, STYLE and TRAGEDY of a little Spanish cat, told through the eyes of a little curly-headed boy from Chicago.Your Welcome, America. Once again, Welcome To DEAR POD! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

All I can say about this week's episode is that Patrick's story about Christmas in his basement in Chicago, wins Christmas now and forever.For all of us and our at home the Maha'a Tiki Bar in the beautiful Pineapple Ranch, we wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS, a Happy and Healthy New Year, and many perfectly, crafted cocktails! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We still have a lot of holiday shopping left over here at the Maha'a Tiki Bar. But, Erin and Patty will always find the time to bitch about the clueless people who share a membership with them at their local gym. It makes me smile to watch their temperatures raise as the weather outside gets a little colder. Pull up a bar stool. We've been waiting for you. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

C'mon Everybody. Let's all get in the car because we need to start our Christmas shopping. And, might I suggest that our first stop be the cheap but funsy, SERVICE MERCHANDISE. Nothing says Christmas to Erin and Patty like watching a fake Rolex and some extra stretchy sweatpants come chugging across the overhead conveyor belt. Next stop: CALDOR! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sure. Most actors have audition "horror stories" but these two young, hungry, eager imbeciles were just plain clueless in their younger days. Get ready to judge Erin and Patty as they take you down "I'LL DO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING FOR A JOB LANE" in this week's episode of ha ha's and gasps. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Seventeen thousand people. Eight comics. Two redheads. One microphone.Did Erin make it out without fainting or filling her diaper? Pour yourself a cold one and join us at The Garden. Cotten Candy is on me! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

There's got to be at least two good reasons to live in New York City in this day and age. Right, Erin? Right, Patty? Just give them the time of this mini-sode and I'm sure they'll come up with somethings positive.Right guys?...........................................................guys? ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

One good trauma story deserves another.Erin takes us down the road of making her national daytime television debut on The Tamron Hall Show and why you should listen to your friends and just lie to people so you can become famous.I'm not saying that's good advice, just practical advice.Welcome To The Pod! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Our goal here, at DEAR POD is not only to entertain but to inform you. If we have to traumatize one of our hosts to tell a story in which you can hear the PTSD come through the microphones and into your ears, for your entertainment and education. Well, who are we to deny you good people of the quality show which you deserve? You may thank Patrick later. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy Halloween!We're talking about all the creepy topics you've ask for: Cremation, Past Halloween Costumes and Mark Wahlberg as a Psychotherapist. I know. We are biting off more of than we can chew. But, then again...We Are DEAR POD. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

I don't promise many things in this life. But today, I make this promise to you all: After listening to this week's podcast, I dare you to look at a Big Mac, Fries and a Shake the same way ever again. So many questions. So much crime in one little land. Can I have more ketchup please? ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Erin went to BERGDORF GOODMAN this week and it wasn't in a dream. On top of that, they didn't kick her out of the store. For this and other stories that make you go, "Huh, I wonder where I put the flashlight", pour a drink and tune in to this week's episode. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Welcome to your first day of rehearsals for the classic American Musical, ANNIE. Now before we jump into learning the music, can we have all the orphans line up on this side of the room? Great. Now, you, little girl playing Molly. Daddy Warbucks is going to do a "trust fall" into your arms. If you drop him, that means you insult my family. Enjoy the show! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

IT'S SEASON SIX!We have been invading your ear-space for the past six years! And what have you learned?No. Really. Have you learned anything from us? If you did, good for you!. Consider yourself a member of a very tiny, tiny, tiny, club where you are President, Secretary and Treasurer all rolled into one.Let Jules shake a celebratory cocktail for all of us, and let's the jackassery begin!New format. New feel. New underwear.Welcome to the Maha'a Tiki Lounge in the beautiful Pineapple Ranch! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Apparently, they're coming. MOTH has bet the ranch on it. She's already looking towards the sky with a NO TRESPASSING sign in her hand. Wait...you don't know who MOTH is. Start at episode one and catch up when you can. You'll thank me later. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Are you ready to learn about Italian style buffet food? 80's haircuts? wearing someone else's skin? I thought so. You're in the right place. Grab a plate, ask for extra garlic bread, and let the show begin! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

I'll bet you were just thinking, "Why don't more people go to business meetings or attend classes in their pajamas?" Good question. If you would like to hear two people tackle that question then go off on a tangent about Helen Hunt...then by all means, stick around. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Welcome again to the Pineapple Ranch. Please mind the Lantern Flys on your way in. We suggest that you not only step on them but please don't look our host, Erin Maguire, directly in the eyes when you enter the Maha'a Tiki Lounge. It will make sense when you see her. Best of luck. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Excuse me, Sir. If you want to listen to the latest episode of DEAR POD on this flight, you'll have to buy these airline approved headphones from us. If you would like a soda, that's free. We just charge for the ice. Per cube. Enjoy! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

A ship. A life-time supply of booze. 4000 people.What could go wrong?Hit START and try to act shocked. It will make me Erin feel a little better about her life choices. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Yes. I know. You're here for advice. But if Erin & Patty don't b&tch about the new Jurassic Park movie, we're never going to get anywhere this week. Now, please put on your Jeff Goldblum glasses and let's start the show. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

For God's sake, whatever you do, do not approach Erin and assume that she works at the Pineapple Ranch. Just keep moving along and try not to make direct eye contact with her. I am telling you this for your own safety. Please try to enjoy the show. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Get the CREST. Get the COLGATE. Grab the floss. This week's "mini" is about to burrow a hole through your incisors. Now, please pass the chocolate covered peanuts and let's get this episode started! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We're picking, digging, and mining for gold in this week's episode. No need for a Kleenex. Just wipe this episode on your arm as God has intended it. Man. That's just nasty. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Where else can you go from fleeing the bombs in the Middle East, to fleeing the disgusting living conditions of our kids in college. You got it! Only here at DEAR POD: The Comedy You Can Bet Money You'll Hear The Word Poop At Least Once In Every Episode Advice Podcast. It just rolls of the tongue. Doesn't it? ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

And Just Like That we bring you another episode of advice, laughter, and I'm sure, another story that involves someone crapping their pants. Wopuld you settle for anything less. We didn't think so. Buckle up and enjoy!  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Like it or not, after listening to this week's mini-sode, all you will want to do is run to your local record store, ask to be shown to the Phil Collins section, then say to the person, "I'll buy the lot!"! You're welcome, America. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Welcome to PART TWO of "This Can't Be True, It Sounds Too Much Like A Movie". Do Erin and her guys get home? Will her life forever be changed. Will there be gastric/stomach issues involved. If you are a long-time listener you may already know the answer to that last question.  This. Is. DEAR POD. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Get comfortable. Get uncomfortable. Maybe get some Kleenex. In this first of this two-part BONUS episode, Erin brings you moment by moment through her overwhelming experience on a goodwill comedy tour in the Middle East. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You will definitively need a drink! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★