Is It Wet?

“This isn’t freedom, this is pandorum!” Interstellar mutants, Sophie and Caitlin, are violently awakened from cryo-sleep into the grimy, oily science fiction horror, Pandorum (2009).They are joined by local space madness expert and friend of the pod, Pat Mara. Episode may contain explicit references to Cam Gigandet.

"The rich have always sucked off low-class shit like you.” In perhaps their wettest episode yet, flesh-melding, organ-sucking socialites, Sophie and Caitlin, take on the satirical body horror film, Society (1989). Eat the rich before it’s too late!

“I’ve just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach.” Rotting, cockroach-filled alien meat bags, Sophie and Caitlin, take a wacky 90’s ride in the slimy galaxy of the science fiction action comedy, Men in Black (1997).

“Oh! You are sick!” After our hiatus from being stuck in a radiator for a year, WE’RE BACK and wetter than ever! Chickens ooze and mouth sperm abound as interplanetary barnacle men, Sophie and Caitlin, take care of the sick, wheezing, and weird baby that is David Lynch’s debut surrealist classic, Eraserhead (1977).

“I have confirmed that he's got an outer layer of protein polysaccharides.” On a quarantine-breaking, chest-bursting season 2 finale, space miners, Sophie and Caitlin, put on unfathomably tiny underwear and hunt down Ridley Scott’s science fiction horror classic, Alien (1979). Bask in the peak wetness of milk-filled robots, lubed-up xenomorph teeth, and all the spaceship rain water (?) you can drink! Spoilers for A24’s upcoming crossover hit, Ladybird vs. Black Phillip.

“I'm just gonna go with it, okay? Can't cheat on your fiancée with a dead girl, right?” In order to make their quota of souls for Davy Jones, sexy Italian ghosts, Sophie and Caitlin, spend the night in the creaky, rusted-out hull of the 2002 supernatural horror film, Ghost Ship. On the Ghost Ship Lollipop it’s a sweet trip to HELL!

“You have more talent in one lug nut than a lot of cars have in their whole body.” In a very horny, vehicular double-feature, sleek, streamlined, speed machines, Sophie and Caitlin, find themselves violently thrust into the erotic, chrome reverie of both David Cronenberg’s Crash (1996) and Pixar’s equally depraved Cars (2006). Amen, Ka-chow, and may God forgive us for what we are about to do.

“Man, I love being a turtle!” 30-something, sewer-dwelling, pizza-loving dudes with white belts in Karate, Sophie and Caitlin, slide shell-first into the tubular, extremely ‘90s sludge of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991). Coincidentally, the secret of this podcast? Also ooze!

“The whole pod went into your hole!” Psychedelic, amphibian-based game developers, Sophie and Caitlin, stumble around together and get their bioports plugged into the pulsating, glopping head-trip of David Cronenberg’s eXistenZ (1999). We return to Cronenberg’s work and its timely themes of bodily autonomy and the horrors that come when trying to constrain The Flesh, this time older, wiser, and with stronger stomachs, to ponder an age old question: why is this Canadian man so obsessed with a goopy hole?

“What are you doing this time, computer boy?” It’s Black Mirror meets B*witched as neurotic AIs, Sophie and Caitlin, hang up the phone and dial into the horrifying feminist parable of the 1999 Disney Channel Original Movie, Smart House. They are joined by their friend, Y2K DCOM scholar, and IMDB savant, Aseem Kulkarni.

“You think you’re so cool cuz you can pee with your penis.” Time-Traveler’s-Wives and body-swapping teens, rejoice! Caitlin and Sophie enter the Schneiderverse with guest comedian, tarot reader, and all-around creative, Antonio Morales to discuss the 2002 comedy, The Hot Chick. You’ll learn to be a better person through the power of a bag full of nachos, split-second Michelle Branch cameos, and places you can put your weed. You can follow Antonio for more laughs and tarot readings @antoniomorales_1.

“I know you want me so bad it’s like acid in your mouth.”  It’s a 50-year storm, baby, and FBI agents-turned-anarchist surfers, Sophie and Caitlin, take a leap of faith and brotherhood into the transcendental, shimmering wake of Kathryn Bigelow’s magnum opus action film, Point Break (1991). Vaya con wetness, listeners.

“I just came through your jump scar.” Globe-hopping, nihilist condominium owners, Sophie and Caitlin, get yanked into the leathery, flight world of the sci-fi action film, Jumper (2008).

“Don't pop a blood vessel, you little penis.” Limey, heart-pounding hitmen with hearts of gold, Sophie and Caitlin, try to keep their adrenaline pumping long enough to survive the sweaty whiplash of the 2006 action film, Crank.

“Welcome to hell. Now, recreate the soup.” Anthropomorphic, gastronomically-inclined rodents, Sophie and Caitlin, feast all their senses on the weird, bubbling sewer of the animated body horror classic, Pixar’s Ratatouille (2007). Our deepest condolences to all our zillennial listeners, for whom this movie is for some reason their Shrek.

“Mud is still mud no matter how small you are.” Nearly microscopic, reluctant neighbors, Sophie and Caitlin, traverse the muddy, bizarre backyard of the 1989 science fiction comedy classic, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Prepare for child gods, the 80’s Moranis Panic, and the podcast being ¼ inch smaller than it usually is.

“If my best friend keeps his farts from me, what else Is he hiding from me? And why does that thought make me feel so alone?” Flatulent, shipwrecked comrades, Sophie and Caitlin, are joined once again by fellow comedian and Outlander superfan, Marisa, as they ride the gaseous corpse of the 2016 surreal comedy, Swiss Army Man. You can follow Marisa on twitter @mj_borregine but, again, NOT if you’re part of a ragtag crew of lovable misfits.

“We thought you was a toad!” Dusty, crooning fugitives from all things dry, Sophie and Caitlin, get flooded by the greasy, sepia-toned deluge of the Coen Brothers’ O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) Spoilers for Homer’s The Odyssey, the love letters of James Joyce, and the series finale of Supernatural.

“You know, I heard you had balls big enough to come in a dump truck.” Freeballing, poet-warriors, Sophie and Caitlin, sweep their eyeballs off the floor and get their throats–and hearts–ripped out by the pinnacle of cinematic achievement and Sam Elliot-based eroticism: Road House (1989).

“A magnificent, opulent, tremendous, stupendous, gargantuan, bedazzlement, a sensual ravishment!” It’s the turn of the wet century and consumptive courtesans, Sophie and Caitlin, drip diamonds and bloody handkerchiefs during a glitzy, bohemian night at the Moulin Rouge (2001).

“I have seen a security hologram of him...killing younglings.” On a special, CGI-heavy Valentine’s Day, Generally Grievous Sith masterminds, Sophie and Caitlin, get swallowed into the roiling magma of George Lucas’ mind before being stuffed into the sleek, sweaty melodrama of the greatest installment of the Star Wars saga: Revenge of the Sith (2005)*. This episode is great if you too enjoy staring at the Coruscant sunset, sexily ignoring the signs of rising fascism, and just generally giving up when things get too hard. *after Solo: A Star Wars Story, of course.

“Do you make sweaters, or do you kill people?” Textile-based assassins, Sophie and Caitlin, elevate their heart rates, sweat blood, and bend bullets in an attempt to understand the waxy, dripping meat locker of the 2008 action thriller, Wanted, and TAKE BACK CONTROL OF THEIR LIFE! Now what the fuck have you done lately?

“Let’s shampoo us some aliens!” Hapless, goo-soaked adjunct professors, Sophie and Caitlin, don their periodic table merch and plumb the tacky, oozing sphincter that is the 2001 comic science fiction film, Evolution.

“A world without string is chaos.” Hapless, slapstick house-flippers, Sophie and Caitlin, slide their jacuzzi tub into the turbid, spring-loaded trap of the 1997 dark comedy, Mouse Hunt.

“I’ll kill you with my teacup.” It’s a Fast & Furyan race against the sun as glistening Necromongers, Sophie and Caitlin, enjoy the acidic wit of sweaty maverick, Richard B. Riddick, and the slick shtick and space politics of the Chronicles of Riddick (2004).

“I give you my word I did not go near that blood!" Antsy, Antarctic bad boys, Sophie and Caitlin, trust no one except their own flamethrowers and get splattered with the syrupy, gelatinous guts of John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

“Throw on your slob and meet me at the beach in 12 minutes.” Quirky, emotionally-repressed aquanauts, Sophie and Caitlin, dive into the roiling, luminescent sea of Wes Anderson’s The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004).

“I’ve got a hole for you!” Quantum-manipulating, skateboarding enemies of the state, Sophie and Caitlin, warp into the shimmery, Y2K science fiction comedy, Clockstoppers (2002).

“Put that magic jump on me/ Slap that baby make him free…” Ball-juggling, baby-tossing goblin kings, Sophie and Caitlin, race against the melting clock to untangle the glittery, whimsical knot of Jim Henson’s Labyrinth (1986).

“The boat that cost me a thousand Gs of go-juice?” For the 50th Episode Special, piss-drunk, sea-sick drifters, Sophie and Caitlin, admit their own hubris and launch a jet-ski over the burning tanker of Waterworld (1995).

“Warm milk? Gross.” Sleep-deprived, terrorized teens, Sophie and Caitlin, get swallowed into the bloody, soggy dreamscape of the 1984 horror classic, A Nightmare on Elm Street.

“This may be painful for a mortal. You're still attached to your skin.” Desperate vampire groupies, Sophie and Caitlin, sink their Party City fangs into the leathery, nu-metal nightmare of the 2002 cult classic, Queen of the Damned.

"You give me such a wettie." #Foxtober continues on the podcast as glam, boy-killing demons, Sophie and Caitlin, squeeze into the sparkly, gore-spattered Juicy Couture tracksuit of the 2004 comedy horror film, Jennifer's Body.

“I’m gonna hand Turnbull your balls in a snuffbox.” Surly, steampunk bounty hunters, Sophie and Caitlin, wake the dead husk of the 2010 western superhero film, Jonah Hex, and demand answers for its many crimes. This episode is made to be heard exclusively by the descendants of John Malkovich in 100 years.

“That man's got a beautiful telephone voice.” Beautiful Y2K assassins, Sophie and Caitlin, accept a mission from a disembodied voice and slip into the bedazzled lycra bodysuit of 2000’s Charlie’s Angels. This episode is brought to you by the #CastCrispinGloverasWaluigiNow campaign.

“Wheel this meat out of here.” Blue cat-people, Sophie and Caitlin, draw inspiration from every podcast ever and shloop into the vacuous, shimmery, and cerulean meat casing of James Cameron’s Avatar (2009).

“No matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.” Mischievous little guys, Sophie and Caitlin, stay up, get wet, and shine a bright light on the clammy pupa of Gremlins (1984).

“All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.” In the Season 2 premier, sexy, jet-setting replicants, Sophie and Caitlin, hop on the attack ship on the shoulder of Orion, watch C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate and slurp up the rainy ramen of the 1982 classic, Blade Runner.

“Ducts? Why is it always ducts?” In the dramatic season 1 finale of Is it Wet?, Sophie and Caitlin pretend to know what they’re doing and ride the slime wormhole into the wacky, chrome spaceship of Galaxy Quest (1999). Do androids dream of Corbin Bleu’s oft-translated Wikipedia pages? Should Stuart Little be played during all children’s medical procedures? Would Hitch make a good guide to the galaxy? The answers to these questions AND MORE in this gloopy, interstellar episode.

“Daddy’s gotta go to work.” Muscle-bound, oil-slick car hunks, Sophie and Caitlin, live their lives one quarter mile at a time and parachute into the 2015 Vin Diesel masterpiece, Furious 7. Flex out of any medically-necessary devices, grab a case of Corona, and unnecessarily get into the vehicle of this glistening, revved-up episode.

“I'm in a man, I'm in a strange man…” In this episode, microscopic organ explorers, Sophie and Caitlin, are joined by fellow comedian and musician, TJ, to publicly disgrace themselves and get injected into the 1987 science fiction comedy, Innerspace. Grab a splash of Southern Comfort, $128,000 worth of groceries, and set a course for the mouth of this tacky, flappy episode. You can follow TJ at tjreynolds.net.

“You lewd, crude, rude bag of pre-chewed food dude.” Workaholic 90’s lawyers, Sophie and Caitlin, miss your baseball game to take a hit of fairy dust and fly to the whimsical, greasy island of Hook (1991). Be prepared for Steven Spielberg thirst traps, unnecessary Phil Collins cameos, and all the bang you can rang in this sqwudgy, gloopy episode.

“We’ll be lost in limbo until our brains turn to scrambled egg.” Highly skilled extractors, Sophie and Caitlin, take on one last job and get dropped into the splashy, crumbling dreamscape of Christopher Nolan’s Inception (2010). Is this all a dream? How do our subconscious thoughts influence who we are? Was LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem directly responsible for the general public’s acceptance of Inception’s non-linear storytelling? Find out in this mind-bendingly soggy episode.

“I’ve got four million dollars stuffed in a goddamn computer.” Spectral spectators, Caitlin and Sophie, run their fingers tenderly through the slick, globby mess of the 1990 supernatural romance, Ghost. Pour yourself some shirt coffee (seductively), commit some beyond-the-grave financial fraud (vengefully), and get dragged to hell in this gleaming, metaphysical episode.

“This is the most fun I’ve had without lubricant.” In this episode, judgmental serial killers, Sophie and Caitlin, make a minor mistake and wake up chained to the grimy, dank bathroom of the 2004 horror classic, Saw. Learn the therapeutic power of the reverse bear trap, the complex mechanics of amateur tricycle puppetry, and make sure you fully enjoy this grungy, squalid episode (or else).

“You think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass!” In this episode, fry cook besties, Caitlin and Sophie, get shark-poisoned by nostalgia and climb into the thick, strawberry jacuzzi of the 1997 Nickelodeon classic, Good Burger. Grab your favorite dude, a hearty dose of Triampathol, and let us take your order in this squeaky, leaky episode.

“I'm a businessman. Blood is a big expense.” Sweaty gabagoolians, Sophie and Caitlin, accept an offer they can’t refuse and ambush the slow-moving, exploding car of the 1972 classic, The Godfather.

“It was you who found my fingers. There was mustard on them.” Aquatic romantics, Sophie and Caitlin, plug up all their bathroom holes and immerse themselves in the dripping, viridian world of 2017’s The Shape of Water. Pop in a boiled egg, head to your nearest flooded movie theater, and sink into the briny tub of this episode.

A celebration of the truly wettest and gloppiest moments in cinema, and all of the episodes of this podcast recorded over the last year. This has been a joy to produce and we hope you enjoy the first annual Wet Oscars, presented by Is It Wet? We love you, listeners!

“It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!” In this episode, subversively sexy ogres, Caitlin and Sophie, are joined by fellow comedian and Shrexpert, Bailey, in falling accidentally in love with the glimmery swamp that is Shrek 2 (2004). Get ready to deeply disappoint your parents, adopt your enemies into your found family, and storm the gates of this weird and frothy episode. You can follow Bailey at @baillerinaa on Instagram.