Just Listen To Me
by Julia Shay
🎙️ New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday Welcome to the place where love stops performing and starts telling the truth. I’m a couples counsellor who works with the real moments of relationships — the disconnection, the misunderstandings, and the deep longing to feel safe and chosen. Using an emotionally focused couples therapy lens, I break down attachment patterns, communication breakdowns, and the cycles that keep couples stuck. This podcast is for people who care deeply and want to understand what’s actually happening beneath the arguments, silence, or distance — without quick fixes or clichés. Whether you’re healing your relationship, reconnecting, or breaking generational patterns around love and attachment, this is a space to slow down and grow. Alongside relationship and attachment education, the podcast also explores narcissistic and coercive relational dynamics, emotional safety, emotionally unsafe systems,
Episodes
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Deborah & Ava- When Connection Feels Like a Threat: Attachment Lessons from Hacks
What happens when someone becomes deeply important to you — and that’s exactly what makes the relationship feel dangerous? In Hacks, Deborah Vance and Ava Daniels are boss and employee, mentor and protégé, friends, rivals — and occasionally something resembling mortal enemies. But underneath the...
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“My AI Understands Me Better Than You Do” - AI, Love & Attachment
What happens when talking to AI starts feeling easier than talking to your partner? AI can be patient, responsive and surprisingly comforting — especially when human connection feels complicated. For one partner, it might offer connection without rejection. For another, connection without…
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When Individual Therapy Has Made Couples Therapy Harder
Individual therapy can be an incredibly valuable companion to couples therapy — but sometimes, what happens in one room can unintentionally make the work in another room harder. In this therapist-focused episode, Julia explores what can happen when individual and couples therapy are running...
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When the Pursuer Withdraws: Will You Come After Me?
What happens when the partner who usually pursues connection suddenly stops? Sometimes a pursuer goes quiet not because they’ve given up, but because they desperately want to know what will happen if they stop reaching. Will you notice? Will you miss me? Will you come after me? In this episode of...
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Learning to Trust After Trauma: Attachment Lessons from Stranger Things
What happens when the people who are supposed to keep you safe are the ones who hurt you? In this episode, we look at Eleven from Stranger Things through an attachment lens — from her traumatic beginnings at Hawkins Lab to the relationships that slowly teach her that connection doesn’t always…
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Liked, Followed, Triggered: Social Media & Relationships
In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia explores social media through an attachment lens — from jealousy and reassurance-seeking to relationship comparison, digital boundaries and the endless temptation to check. Why can one tiny interaction online trigger such a big emotional reaction? When...
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The Blaming Partner: What They’re Really Protecting
Working with a blaming partner can pull even experienced couples therapists into the content: Who started it? Who’s right? Who needs to change? In this therapist-facing episode, Julia explores blame through an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens — not simply as difficult behaviour, but as a...
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When You Stop Chasing and They Start Pursuing
What happens when the partner who always pursued connection finally stops — and the person who used to withdraw suddenly starts reaching? In this companion episode to When the Pursuer Finally Gives Up, Julia explores the other side of the pursuer-withdrawer cycle: what can happen inside a...
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Maeve & Otis — When Love Isn’t Enough: Attachment Lessons from Sex Education
We spent years rooting for Maeve and Otis. The chemistry was there. The connection was there. So why was it so difficult for them to make it work? In this episode, we explore Maeve and Otis through an attachment lens—from Maeve's fierce independence and fear of vulnerability to Otis's anxiety,...
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Matched, Ghosted, Triggered: Dating Apps & Attachment
You match. You message. You wait. And sometimes, before you’ve even met someone, your attachment system is already working overtime. Dating apps have completely changed the way we meet people — but they haven’t changed the attachment patterns we bring into relationships. The uncertainty, mixed...
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Are You Working Harder Than Your Client?
As therapists, we care deeply about our clients. We prepare, reflect, research, analyse and constantly think about how we can help them move forward. But when does caring become over-functioning? In this therapist-facing episode, we explore what happens when you start taking too much…
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When the Pursuer Finally Gives Up: The Cycle of Shame
What happens when you've spent so long pursuing connection that you start feeling ashamed of the way you're trying to get it? In this follow-up to my Season 3 episode on pursuer burnout, we look at the shame that can develop when your attempts to reconnect repeatedly leave you feeling unheard,...
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The Affair Without Sex: Understanding Emotional Infidelity
Can you have an affair without ever having sex? Emotional infidelity can be one of the most confusing forms of betrayal because there are often no clear boundaries. A close friendship isn't automatically an emotional affair—but when does emotional intimacy with somebody else begin to threaten the...
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When One Partner Won't Engage: Now What?
What do you do when one partner simply won’t engage in couples therapy? They say “I don’t know” to every question. They shut down when emotions come up. They blame their partner for everything. Or they’re physically present in the room, but emotionally somewhere else. For therapists, this can be...
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Reactive Withdrawers: When Withdrawal Looks Like Anger
What if withdrawal doesn't look like withdrawal? When we think about a relationship withdrawer, we often picture someone who goes quiet, shuts down or walks away. But some withdrawers don't go silent—they become angry, defensive, critical or argumentative. In this episode, Julia explores the…
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Are Piper & Alex A Trauma Bond? Attachment Lessons from Orange Is the New Black
If you've watched Orange Is the New Black, you probably have a complicated relationship with Piper and Alex's relationship. They love each other deeply. They also hurt each other deeply. Their relationship is marked by betrayal, separation, emotional volatility, reconciliation and moments of...
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Pornography: When Fantasy Becomes an Attachment Substitute
What happens when pornography becomes more than sexual stimulation — when it begins to function as a substitute for emotional connection? In this episode, we explore pornography through the lens of attachment, particularly how people with avoidant attachment can sometimes turn toward fantasy and...
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Beneath the Surface: Jungian Psychology and Attachment
What if the answers to our relationship patterns lie beneath the surface of our conscious awareness? In this special therapist interview, I'm joined by Linda Murrow, EFT Therapist and Supervisor, for a fascinating conversation exploring the intersection of Jungian depth psychology and Emotionally...
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When the Pursuer Gives Up: Understanding Pursuer Burnout
Is silence always a sign that things are getting better? Sometimes, it's a sign that the person who has been fighting the hardest has simply run out of hope. In this episode, I explore pursuer burnout—why anxious partners eventually stop reaching, what emotional exhaustion really looks like, and...
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What Makes Us Human? Attachment Lessons from Resident Alien
What makes us human? As a couples therapist, I spend every day thinking about the relationships that shape us. But one of the most profound explorations of attachment, belonging and emotional growth isn't found in a psychology textbook—it's found in the wonderfully quirky world of Resident Alien....
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Why We Stay In Situationships: The Attachment Perspective
Why do so many intelligent, self-aware people stay in situationships that leave them feeling confused, anxious and emotionally exhausted? In this episode of Just Listen To Me, couples therapist Julia Shay explores situationships through the lens of attachment theory. You'll learn why people with...
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The Biggest Mistake Couples Therapists Make: Treating Content Instead of Process
Most couples don't come to therapy because they can't solve a disagreement. They come because they keep having the same disagreement over and over again. In this therapist-only episode of Just Listen To Me, Julia Shay explores one of the most common reasons couples counselling fails: the…
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Weaponised Generational Trauma: When Pain Prevents Change
We've become much better at talking about trauma—and that's an important thing. But what happens when our trauma stops being something we heal... and starts becoming something we use? In this episode, Julia explores the concept of weaponised generational trauma: when unresolved childhood wounds…
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Texting Anxiety in Relationships: The Real Issue
Have you ever found yourself staring at your phone, wondering why your partner hasn't replied? Maybe you've sent a simple message and, as the minutes turn into hours, your mind begins filling in the blanks. Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end of frustration because you didn't reply…
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It's Your Fault: Why We Blame Our Partner in Our Relationship
Most couples believe they've identified the problem. Their partner. After years of arguments, hurt feelings, and repeated disappointments, it's easy to become convinced that if only your partner would change, everything would finally get better. But what if the real problem isn't your partner at...
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Generational Trauma: When the Past Lives in Our Relationships
Sometimes the patterns we carry in relationships didn’t begin with us. The way we respond to conflict. The way we express emotions. The way we reach for connection. The ways we protect ourselves from being hurt. Many of these patterns have histories that started long before us. In this episode of...
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When Couples Therapy Isn't Safe: Recognising Coercive Control in the Therapy Room
Not all relationship distress is the same. As therapists, we are often trained to look beneath behaviour — to understand attachment wounds, protective strategies, emotional needs, and the negative cycles couples become caught in. But what happens when what appears to be relationship distress is...
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Coercive Control: The Abuse That Doesn't Leave Bruises
Coercive control is one of the most misunderstood forms of abuse — partly because it often doesn't look like what people expect abuse to look like. It doesn't always involve physical violence. It doesn't always leave visible bruises. Instead, coercive control is a pattern that gradually erodes a...
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Autism in Relationships: When Love Speaks Different Languages
Season 3 begins with a conversation about understanding. In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia explores autism in relationships through the lens of attachment and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). When one partner is autistic and the other is not, it's easy for misunderstandings to...
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When Addiction Enters the Relationship: Trust, Betrayal and Attachment Wounds
Addiction rarely affects just one person. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, compulsive sexual behaviour, or other addictive patterns, addiction can slowly erode trust, emotional safety, intimacy, and connection within relationships. In this episode of Just Listen to Me, I…
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Why Love Feels Hard When the Nervous System Is Struggling
Mental health can profoundly impact relationships — affecting communication, intimacy, emotional safety, conflict, and connection itself. ✨ Explore the growing Project Secure Attachment learning library including online courses, companion eBooks, and attachment-focused relationship resources:...
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What Safe Therapy Actually Feels Like
🎓 Julia’s new foundational online course: Not All Therapists Are Safe — How to Choose a Counsellor With Integrity is now officially live at the following link: https://www.flourishrelationship.com/courses The course is currently available at a special introductory launch price of $97 AUD until...
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Not All Therapy That Feels Powerful Is Emotionally Safe
🎓 Julia’s new foundational online course: Not All Therapists Are Safe — How to Choose a Counsellor With Integrity launches this Friday: https://www.flourishrelationship.com/courses Not all therapy that feels powerful is emotionally safe. In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia explores the...
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Why Trauma Bonds Happen: Attachment, Trauma & The Nervous System
Trauma bonds are often misunderstood as weakness, dependency, or an inability to “just leave.” But many trauma bonds are rooted much deeper than the relationship itself. In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we explore how attachment wounds, emotional inconsistency, relational trauma, and nervous...
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Trauma Bonds: When Love and Fear Become Entangled
Why do some relationships feel impossible to leave… even when they are hurting us? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we explore trauma bonds through the lens of attachment theory, nervous system conditioning, relational trauma, and emotional dependency. We unpack why emotionally unsafe...
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Not All Therapists Are Safe
Therapy can be one of the most vulnerable spaces a person ever enters. Which is why discernment matters. In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia explores an uncomfortable but important truth: not all therapists are emotionally safe. Drawing from attachment science, Emotionally Focused…
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When ADHD Affects Love: Understanding the Imbalance
What if the problem in your relationship… isn’t a lack of love—but something you’ve never been taught to recognise? Why does love start to feel… uneven? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia explores how ADHD can quietly shape relationship dynamics in ways that feel confusing, frustrating,...
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How to Choose a Couples Counsellor (And What Most People Miss)
Most couples choose a counsellor based on availability—but that decision can quietly shape the outcome of their entire relationship. Choosing a couples counsellor is one of the most important decisions you’ll make for your relationship—but it’s often rushed, or overlooked entirely. In this…
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When He Chases: The Hidden Pain of Male Pursuers
We’ve been told a story about relationships. That women pursue… and men withdraw. That she reaches… and he shuts down. But what happens when that’s not true? What happens when the man is the one chasing connection? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we slow down the often misunderstood...
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When Women Withdraw: The Pattern Nobody Talks About
We’ve been told a story about relationships… That women pursue. And men withdraw. But what happens when that’s not true? In this episode, we’re exploring a side of the pursuer–withdrawer dynamic that often goes unseen—female withdrawers. Because not all withdrawal looks like silence. Sometimes it...
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You’re Not Too Much: The Truth About Pursuers in Relationships
Have you ever felt like you’re too much in your relationship? Like no matter how hard you try to connect… it still doesn’t feel like enough? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we gently explore one of the most misunderstood dynamics in relationships—the pursuer–withdrawer cycle. Because what...
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Why They Pull Away (It’s Not What You Think)
Have you ever found yourself asking… “Why does my partner pull away when I need them the most?” It can feel confusing. It can feel painful. And at times… it can feel like they just don’t care. But what if that’s not the full story? In this episode, we’re slowing things right down to explore one…
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The Pattern You Keep Repeating? It's Trying to Heal You
What if the pain you keep experiencing in your relationship… isn’t just a sign that something is wrong? What if it’s pointing you toward something that’s ready to heal? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we explore post-traumatic growth in relationships—and how the very patterns that feel the...
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The Relationship Pattern You Can't Escape
Have you ever felt like you keep ending up in the same relationship patterns… no matter who you’re with? In this special throwback episode, I’m sharing a powerful conversation from the Fit For Joy podcast, where we explore the idea that our relationships often act as mirrors—reflecting not just...
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The Pattern Making You Both Feel Alone in Your Relationship
Why do some couples feel like they're constantly misreading each other in conflict? One partner shuts down. The other pushes harder. And both end up feeling alone. In this episode, we're unpacking a powerful - and often misunderstood distinction in relationships: The difference between attachment...
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Your Family System Is Sabotaging Your Relationships - Here's Why
In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we continue the conversation on family of origin wounds, exploring the deeper and more complex impact of childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect on adult intimate relationships. For some people, early attachment wounds were not just about emotional absence or...
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Time Doesn't Heal This Relationship Injury
Why do some relationship wounds seem to last for years — even decades? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, relationship therapist Julia Shay explores Attachment Injury Repair, a core process used in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to help couples heal deep relational wounds such as...
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Sexual Rejection Has Nothing to Do With Attraction
Sex is one of the most misunderstood parts of intimate relationships. When couples start struggling sexually, many assume something is fundamentally wrong with them or their partner. But in most cases, sexual disconnection is not really about sex at all — it's about attachment, safety, and...
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Trauma or Abuse? Why the Difference Saves Your Relationship
Not all painful relationships are abusive. But some are. In Part 3 of my Attachment Wounds series, we’re talking about abusive relationship dynamics — including the critical differences between toxic trauma-based cycles and narcissistic or characterological abuse. Because this distinction changes...
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The Family Pattern Destroying Your Relationships
Why do certain arguments in relationships feel bigger than the moment? Why do small triggers activate deep fear, anger, or withdrawal? In this episode of Just Listen to Me, couples counsellor Julia Shay explores how family of origin wounds and past relationship trauma shape your current intimate...
About this show
🎙️ New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday
Welcome to the place where love stops performing and starts telling the truth.
I’m a couples counsellor who works with the real moments of relationships — the disconnection, the misunderstandings, and the deep longing to feel safe and chosen. Using an emotionally focused couples therapy lens, I break down attachment patterns, communication breakdowns, and the cycles that keep couples stuck.
This podcast is for people who care deeply and want to understand what’s actually happening beneath the arguments, silence, or distance — without quick fixes or clichés.
Whether you’re healing your relationship, reconnecting, or breaking generational patterns around love and attachment, this is a space to slow down and grow.
Alongside relationship and attachment education, the podcast also explores narcissistic and coercive relational dynamics, emotional safety, emotionally unsafe systems,
Hosted by
Julia Shay