Kristy Doesn't Know Movies

Tune in for a very warm and heartfelt Christmas flashback highlight reel extravaganza featuring some of the best moments from the last three seasons of Kristy Doesn't Know Movies. We know you've all been very good, so hopefully this gift will tide you over until we come back. From all of us here at the show, thank you, and goodnight. 

We did a poll on twitter where 18 people said Jack Black typecast himself. Think about it.

Grab a pizza, sit back and relax as we butcher one of the most beloved franchises of all time! A sadistic kid living next to a nuclear power plant flushes his new pets down the toilet. They soon come into contact with some toxic waste and become mutated beyond recognition! Either Shredder or Splinter teaches the turtles Kung-Fu, and they fight either Shredder or Splinter to save the city from being overrun with the toxic waste! A long-lost girl turtle named Cathy joins the crew, and the turtles can't control their raging turtle hormones and end up lusting after her.. and that's literally all that happens! We also play a pulse-pounding round of Turtle Trivia! Gnarly, dude! Tune in!

Our first fully remotely recorded episode! Judy Garland lands a bit part in an early sci-fi dud, Adam Sandler and Adam Sandler love being Adam Sandler, and a SHARKICANE (not sharknado) rattles some Floridians.

In this episode we delve deeply into the DCU! Wonder Woman saves America from Poison Ivy with her invisible whip and wins World War One. The Flash is ported over from his television series to fight alongside his film counterpart, and Will Smith. The show is interrupted by a drug addled male prostitute and brother of an old "friend" of the show. Kristy tests her knowledge of the DC Universe in a pulse-pounding round of trivia, and Jason Momoa wields his phallic scepter and flashes his titties for the sad, middle-aged women of the world. Tune in!

Get ready for some cheesy action movies as we take a look at three absolute bangers starring Jackie Chan, Morgan Freeman and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Bleh.. Kristy suggested this episode. More bickering over freemium games, too. 

What's up D-pads! It's time for a special, in-depth look at baaaaad video game movies! We also play our first round of trivia this season! Grab a bag of Doritos, a 6-pack of Mountain Dew and strap in, bucko! 

We sit down with our old friend (and new bandleader) Nick, a confirmed church music director, to talk about some religious, church-related movies! Nick musically narrates Kristy as she spews forth her bitter, movie-hating assumptions. Also, more unaffiliated promotion of freemium mobile games ensues..

We're back! In this episode Kristy attempts to explain three "classic" Nic Cage flicks, while also pissing Zach off by shamelessly promoting freemium games that we definitely aren't getting paid to talk about. Sit back, relax and enjoy the season three premiere!

We couldn't have planned for this..

A whiny teen skips school to go skateboarding in a mall while eating Dairy Queen dilly bars. The principal is hot on his trail, and finds him in an old-timey arcade playing Centipede. Also, Molly Ringwald, Matt Dillon and Marky-Mark touch on the human condition in this existential, minimalist film adored by millions. 

The conclusion to our two part Matt Damon / Jason Bourne retrospective! Jeremy Renner makes an appearance as an out-of-place hacker, Matt Damon teams up with a cast of colorful characters in order to finally get to the bottom of why he can't remember anything, ever.

We were drinking heavily for hours before recording this one, so bear with us! Stick and poke tattoos, sewer cult people, brain meat, oh my! Leeloo confronts a shady government out to stop her from using the power of her mind! Blue people do.. something.. with Butt Birds! We play a fast paced round of trivia with our friend Pam, too! Woohoo! 

The first part of a two part Matt Damon/Jason Bourne retrospective! Kristy is a self-proclaimed Matt Damon expert and all-around #DamonDweeb, so it should come as no surprise that she totally butchers these movies. Sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy!

We're back! Well, one of us is anyway.. Adam Sandler is at it again! This time he's posing as a hockey-loving Canuck that spouts 'aboots' and 'oots' while attempting to break into the American Golf industry. His patented write-a-hot-scene-with-me-and-a-woman-into-my-own-movie technique is heavily utilized, of course. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arnold Schwarzenegger square off in a confusing and very meta duel where one of them is either trying to help, or hurt, Sarah Connor. Who cares. 

It's the mid-season finale spectacular! Listen in amazement as Kristy vibes on some of the most mellow stoner comedies to hit the big screen, bro! This probably would've fared better back in April for 4/20, but we don't have to play by anybody's rules. Time is only a man-made construct, and, like, we do what we want, man! Longtime friend of the show and experienced data consultant Ken (a/k/a "M.K") also calls in with some alarming and revelatory information regarding the future of the show. See you again soon!

There can be only one true Matt Damon aficionado. Unfortunately, it isn't any actual "real" fan of his. It happens to be a certain co-host of this very show. We also take a much needed vacation on Dinosaur Island.

A lonely man recounts fake stories that are totally made-up, Morgan Freeman welcomes friends to prison with a smile and warm voice, and another Quentin Tarantino(?) disaster is explored!

A nice, somewhat wealthy, disfigured and stealthy homeless man living in a park is framed by a murderer! Highly paid rock band KISS step in and save the day so he can find true love and slow dance. A woman expresses her pregnancy through flashy song and dance numbers! We play the first game of WHATCHOOSAY!?

Elijah Wood just wants to chill and eat breakfast, but gets sucked into a convoluted plot involving yellow brick roads, too many RPG party members and delivering jewelry to a volcano to get rich quick in a Cash-4-Gold scheme. The good name of the show is untarnished during a Special Guest apology. 

An 80's punk-rocker (Adam West) creates the precursor to 'Live P.D' while brooding in a cave, The Penguin is frozen like a DiGiorno™ pizza (the joke honestly never lands), and a very special celebrity guest calls in to play some Bat Trivia!

Patrick Swayze is a lot of people's "go-to" movie guy, but what if we told you he was only in two movies? The legacy of the grizzled bar-owner-bouncer-dancer lives on! Kristy's 'Dirty Dancing' knowledge is also put to the test!

David Bowie stars as the Troll King, who lives in some sort of weird world where he dances, wears makeup and steals children. The comedic "sequel" starring Kevin James is also explored, and we play more annoying trivia! Woohoo!

Grab your crucifix and gather 'round to hear the tale of the ghost that never reached it's full potential! Oh no! Find out why it's always better to fake your own death than it is to take an axe to your family! We play a couple rounds of Movie Trivia too!

Rapid-fire trivia bonus episode! Kristy's mind is blown because some questions are Disney-related! But then, in a shocking twist, her mind is double-blown because some questions are really, really obscure, and only losers would know the answers! Featuring the heavily annoying soundboard samplings of Zach! Lay back, tuck in, oil up and enjoy the CHAOS!

We're back in our first episode of 2020! Buckle up as Danny DeVito and Matt Damon do drug runs in 'Taxi Driver', Matt Damon and Matt Damon star in 'Pulp Fiction', and The Godfather (also Matt Damon) makes you an offer you can't refuse! It's a Damon-centric episode for all you #DamonDweebs out there!

In this extra long episode Kristy attempts to piece together the entirety of the main Star Wars film franchise, while Zach attempts to keep his soul from spilling out of his Jar-Jar shaped wound. See you again soon!

Gasp! The tables have turned! A garage band record a demo with Zac Efron and barge straight into Virgin Records where billionaire playboy Richard Branson barbecues hotdogs in Ricki and the Flash. Also, a sly club girl finds trouble in all the wrong places in The Devil Wears Prada.

Rick and Morty or Doc and Marty? Lines are blurred and four separate fates intertwine in a time-traveling trifecta that encompasses one original movie, and two that didn't really need to exist.

David Bowie once wrote a song called Space Oddity. Who knew how much influence it would have over one woman's opinion of a certain 1968 Stanley Kubrick masterpiece. A buff Tom Hanks gets oiled up in Gladiator and Beetlejuice is also explored. Tune in!

Car go fast. A phrase we've heard all too much. Also, David Spade uses Adam Sandler's patented hot-scene-with-me-and-a-woman writing technique, and Will Smith teams up with Alec Baldwin(?) to do alien stuff.

Glorified grave robbing! Shia LaBeouf! Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?!

Kristy takes a few eerily accurate guesses about Zoolander. E.T's amusement park origin as well as a non-MCU Marvel movie are discussed.

Kristy tells the tale of Macaulay Culkin, Eddie Murphy and a movie she might have actually seen.

Was it Will Smith, or Will Ferrell? Was it a dream within a dream, or was the dream itself being dreamt? Also, Fight Club!

Kristy takes a stab at Top Gun, Titanic and The Waterboy, much to Zach's dismay. Find out who really starred alongside Cold War pilot Tom Cruise, why it's always important to check that you have both VHS tapes for Titanic, and how to get kissed using Adam Sandler's writing technique.