PODCAST · arts
Machine of Death
by Bearstache Books
The machine could tell, from just a sample of your blood, how you were going to die. No date, no specifics: it just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed the words CANCER or OLD AGE or CHOKED ON A HANDFUL OF POPCORN.
Episodes
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ROCK AND ROLL : Written by Toby W. Rush + read by Rachael McCabe
"This is my first concert," she replied, mustering her confidence. "But I've been a huge fan since Death by Rock and Roll." She made sure to name-check Stephen's first album, if only to prove her devotion.
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Machine of Death Card Game - Playtest
Kris Straub and David Malki play a round of Machine of Death: The Game of Creative Assassination.
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Machine of Death 2 Interview : Kris Straub, Ryan North, + David Malki !
Kris Straub interviews Ryan North and David Malki ! at the Super-Stupendous Machine of Death Magic + Variety Show, November 2011.
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CASSANDRA : Written + read by T.J. Radcliffe
It was like that movie, back in the day, where the machine asks the kid, "How about a nice game of chess?" / "No," he types back. "Let's play Global Thermonuclear War." / That's what the slip of paper in my hand read. "Global Thermonuclear War."
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QUESTION MARK : Written by Randall Munroe + read by Howard Tayler
He had not read his slip of paper. It was folded in an envelope in his left pocket. In his right pocket were several books of matches, and he was wearing a backpack. He pushed his way through the scrubby pine trees on the west border of the barrens. "This isn't how it works, you know. The machine...
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DROWNING : Written by C.E. Guimont + read by Sean Casey
I saw the first ads in March. A week or two later it was all over the news, and then for the next few months you could not get away from it. Still, none of us expected it to have the impact it did. It was a killer. By November I had only had eight or nine dreams when I used to have three or four…
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FRIENDLY FIRE : Written by Douglas J Lane + read by Zach Weiner
She was somewhere north of forty. Her dark hair showed silver strands, and the beginnings of crow's feet bracketed chestnut-colored eyes. Tommy noticed her fingertips, purple and tender. She was a Repeater.
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WHILE TRYING TO SAVE ANOTHER : Written by Daliso Chaponda + read by Ike Amadi
Timothy got up. "One hundred and one here; just like the Dalmatians. I'm going to die in a fire while trying to save another." / Isma spoke slowly; she was visibly trembling. "I'm going to die in one hundred and one days as well. In a fire."
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HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE : Written by James Foreman + read by Andrew Giordano
The machine printed out the certificates on special paper, the same pinkish color as those new five-dollar bills. He put them face-down on a tray and handed them to us. Maggie and I sat down on the examination table, butcher paper crinkling and creasing under us, bunching between us as Maggie...
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IMPROPERLY PREPARED BLOWFISH : Written by Gord Sellar + read by Brett Donnelly
"It's an older model, but that's all that ever made it to Fukuoka before these things were outlawed altogether. It was functioning, as of a week ago. This was the machine that correctly predicted the death of Watanabe Yoshiro."
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COCAINE AND PAINKILLERS : Written by David Malki ! + read by Nika Harper
At nine o'clock on a Tuesday morning, the parking lot in front of Jack Bogg Enterprises was somehow already full. Kelly didn't know quite what to do. It had never happened before, not once in the year she'd been working for JBE.
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LOVE AD NAUSEUM : Written by Sherri Jacobsen + read by Tiffany Petersen
SWF, 36, seeks SM 25-50. Must be employed, love outdoor hobbies. No OVERDOSE, ALCOHOLISM, similar readings, please. Box 1876.
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KILLED BY DANIEL : Written by Julia Wainwright + read by Timothy Volpert
For a while, he kept the little slip of paper hidden at the back of a desk drawer at work, still inside its official envelope. He didn't want it in the house -- Phil was bound to ferret it out. Phil was just one of those people who found things.
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CANCER : Written + read by David Malki !
In garish red and yellow, the flyer announced that You, Too, could "Defeat the Machine!" A colorful cartoon hammer smashed a predictor box, starbursts flying out zanily. A beaming man in a tie beckoned to his new best friend, You.
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SHOT BY SNIPER : Written by Bartholomew von Klick + read by Christopher Osborn
A shot kicked up dirt in front of Grale's face. He pulled himself backward, back to the dubious protection of the fallen sign. They all knew Grale would die here. God damn that machine.
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MOD Talent Show : After Many Years...
Bradley McLaughlin performs his original song "After Many Years..." at the Machine of Death Talent Show, April 26, 2011, in Hollywood, CA.
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AFTER MANY YEARS, STOPS BREATHING, WHILE ASLEEP, WITH SMILE ON FACE : Written by William Grallo + read by Bradley McLaughlin
"You gotta be fucking kidding me!" says one of Jill's friends, leaning forward to get a better look at my shirt. On Toe Tag Night no one wears tags on their toes. What we do is use a template on our PCs and print a graphic of a toe tag, which we then wear attached to our clothing somewhere, like…
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VEGETABLES : Written by Chris Cox + read by Todd Croak-Falen
"The bloke's a whack job." Billy, the Director of Marketing, tells me this while he's picking his nose with a paperclip. In the background a phone has been ringing for five minutes without kicking into voicemail, and in the next cube, somebody's screaming at a subordinate employee on another…
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TORN APART AND DEVOURED BY LIONS : Written by Jeffrey Wells + read by Jesse Thorn
"Missus Murphy, I will have you know that I am to be torn apart and devoured by lions." Simon Pfennig was fully aware of how strange he must sound. He had no choice. It was too exciting not to share. "I'm sorry," said Mrs. Murphy. "Weren't you just talking to me about insurance a moment ago?" "I...
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MURDER AND SUICIDE, RESPECTIVELY : Written by Ryan North + read by MC Frontalot
"You don't see it? What if we could ship this box further away? What if Dr. Merry lived thousands of light-years away, and we could somehow get the box to him? If we set a time for him to do the killing, and for us to run the blood through the machine shortly afterward, then as soon as we read…
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FIRING SQUAD : Written + read by J Jack Unrau
When I looked up from my plate, three young men were sitting on the other side of the rough table, staring at me intensely. None of them were very tall, but they had the tough look of mountain people. Their faces were purple from burst blood vessels -- or maybe it was makeup, I'm not going to…
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MOD Talent Show : When We Found Out On Our Own
Zachary Bernstein, of The Bicycats, performs his original song "When We Found Out On Our Own" at the Machine of Death Talent Show, April 26, 2011, in Hollywood, CA.
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LOSS OF BLOOD : Written by Jeff Stautz + read by Joel Watson
Pepper coughs and her eyes snap open. Then she yelps and recoils from me, my white uniform and blue gloves, my belt blinking with electronics. "No, I'm fine," she says. "Just fainted, is all." She scrambles backward across the floor. Everyone tries to do this, soon as they recognize who we are…
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STARVATION : Written by M. Bennardo + read by Brian Swanson
Johnny straggled behind Dalton as they came out of the jungle into the clearing. Streaks of fuel burned in the grass, the flames pale and languid in the bright midday sun. But they were still hot and smoky as hell. The smashed chopper was only about twenty yards away, a crumpled aluminum can...
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CANCER : Written by Camron Miller + read by Joanna Penn
In the months afterward, in suburban dining rooms, the bohemian bourgeoisie debated the ethics of the machine. The first had been installed unobtrusively in leading doctors' surgeries, and as they spread across the country, schoolteachers and bank managers and creative consultants and publishers...
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NOTHING : Written by Pelotard + read by Lore Sjoberg
The door opened when she was still a few yards from the house. An old man made his way out, standing on the three steps leading down to the yard, straightening his back. He looked exactly the same as last time -- five years ago, or maybe seven? She couldn't quite remember -- thin, tall, with a…
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FLAMING MARSHMALLOW : Written by Camille Alexa + read by Colleen AF Venable
I'm so freaking excited I can hardly stand it. Tomorrow is my birthday, THE birthday. The birthday everybody waits and waits for and until you get there you just hate that all your old friends already got theirs and you're the only one without it yet, and sometimes you think holy-freaking-eff…
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HIV INFECTION FROM MACHINE OF DEATH NEEDLE : Written by Brian Quinlan + read by Jason Frederick
Well, I thought, that sucks.
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MISCARRIAGE : Written by James L. Sutter + read by Jonathan Shockley
The second time the stick turned blue, it was intentional -- they had good jobs, a car, a house, and a strong desire to take the next step. They'd surprised their parents with it on Mother's Day, and were immediately enveloped in a whirlwind of blue and pink, both grandmothers good-naturedly...
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PIANO : Written + read by Rafa Franco
I remember everything about that day. It was right there at the mall, between the ice cream stand and Hot Topic, a big hunk of metal with a hole and a slit. There we were, my girlfriend the voyeur and I. We went for ice cream, she wiped a spot of vanilla from my forehead with one of those little...
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ANEURYSM : Written by Alexander Danner + read by Kris Straub
The cart was draped with a white bed sheet, keeping the cart's burden hidden. The guests all turned to watch as the little mystery wheeled into the room, squeaking slightly, leaving a visible groove in the carpet. Norma stopped and stood; she made no move to uncover her secret, only smiled at the...
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EXPLODED : Written by Tom Francis + read by Christopher Joseph
When some small-minded prick with a bag of pipe bombs decided commuters were responsible for all the world's problems this morning, it became the most vicious hoax in history. Nobody knows yet, but I promise you that at some point in the next eighteen hours, someone Googling the victim names is...
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DESPAIR : Written by K.M. Lawrence + read by Clair Lockeyear
This is the procedure now: A vehicle comes into the bay, paramedics pull a body out on an unfolding trolley, and a nurse meets them and asks them for the card. Sometimes she smiles, and you know that this one might well walk out of the hospital. Sometimes she gets a stony look on her face and you...
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PRISON KNIFE FIGHT : Written by Shaenon K. Garrity + read by Dave Kellett
Very expensive nanny. Very expensive tutor. Montessori nursery school priced competitively with Yale. Phonics, piano lessons from age four, one edifying vacation in a major European city per year, a diet of both organic and local produce cooked to order from a menu drawn up by a personal…
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SUICIDE : Written by David Michael Wharton + read by Todd Luoto
The clerk set the gun on the counter. "There's a seven-day waiting period." Tommy peeled off an extra couple hundreds and slid them across the counter. The clerk hesitated, then pocketed the bills and loaded the weapon into a brown paper bag. "Some weeks are shorter than others." He added a box…
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ALMOND : Written by John Chernega + read by Kevin McShane
I'm tired of looking at the machine, but there's nothing else to look at. Maybe it's supposed to wear down my defenses and get me to take the test, but I've made my decision. So I sit and stare at it. My planner is black with the blood of my tormented doodles. There is a brick wall outside my...
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EXHAUSTION FROM HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR : Written + read by Yahtzee Croshaw
"The job of Prime Minister is no job for a weakling," said Derek Fortham MP, eyes shining in the TV spotlight. "Centuries of British politics have shown us that. It's a job that calls upon all of a man's strength. It's a job for men who know their limitations. Men with perspective. With drive."…
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FUDGE : Written + read by Kit Yona
To any of the countless shoppers passing by, the kiss wouldn't have seemed like much. Longer than a peck, sure, but nothing overlong or excessive. It didn't appear to be anything special. But for Rick it was something else entirely. Any time he touched Shannon he managed to get lost in the…
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NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING : Written + read by Erin McKean
Everyone knows that on the fourth day of ninth grade is when you get your results. I mean, that's the way it happens in our town; other towns do it differently. Amy, who moved here from Atlanta, said that in the big cities they do it when you're born, since they have to take blood from babies,...
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INTRODUCTION : Written + read by Ryan North
The machine had been invented a few years ago: a machine that could tell, from just a sample of your blood, how you were going to die. It didn't give you the date and it didn't give you specifics. It just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed, in careful block letters, the words...
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
The machine could tell, from just a sample of your blood, how you were going to die. No date, no specifics: it just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed the words CANCER or OLD AGE or CHOKED ON A HANDFUL OF POPCORN.
HOSTED BY
Bearstache Books
CATEGORIES
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Machine of Death have?
Machine of Death currently has 40 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Machine of Death about?
The machine could tell, from just a sample of your blood, how you were going to die. No date, no specifics: it just spat out a sliver of paper upon which were printed the words CANCER or OLD AGE or CHOKED ON A HANDFUL OF POPCORN.
How often does Machine of Death release new episodes?
Machine of Death has 40 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to Machine of Death?
You can listen to Machine of Death on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Machine of Death?
Machine of Death is created and hosted by Bearstache Books.
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