Memoir Snob

A conversation with the author of Twice Born: Finding My Father In The Margins Of Biography.We discuss:-The circular nature of writing a book-Deciding which details and anecdotes are relevant to the bigger story-How to write about our parents-What to do with memories that keep surfacing-The inclusion of fiction in memoir-Differences between memoir and biography-Thoughts on publishing-Books that inspired her in the writing of Twice Born

A conversation with the author of Such A Pretty Picture:Andrea Leeb was told by multiple agents that her book needed more reflection, more self-examination, because, they all explained, that’s what memoir is. “I was really torn because I was just like, this is not what I want to write,” Andrea said of her book, Such A Pretty Picture. “...I took out—even up to the last minute—whole chunks because I had started getting influenced by that.”Andrea was 4-years-old the first time her father sexually abused her. It went on for years. In the following passage she’s at home one night and tiptoes down the stairs to overhear a conversation between her parents. "Mrs. Powers told me that Andrea cries every day," my mother said. She must have assumed Sarai and I were both sound asleep, because she didn't even bother whispering. I heard every word."Andrea's hypersensitive," my father said."Why would you say that?""Andrea has problems," he said. "We give her everything, but she's never happy." A beat later. "Marlene, could you make me another drink?""You've had two already." But my mother must have gotten up to make him one, because a minute or so later I heard the sound of the refrigerator door open and the clink of ice cubes against glass."Look, I know this is upsetting," my father said, "but we may have to face it. Andrea might be emotionally disturbed.""Do you think we should get her help?" my mother asked. "Send her to a child psychiatrist?""No," my father said loudly. "I mean, not yet.""Why would we wait?""Right now, she's a crazy little girl. Hysterical. If we make too big a deal, you never know what she'll say to get attention." My father paused. "Besides, kids usually outgrow these things." This is the style of memoir I’m drawn to. One that is cinematic without reflection from the writer, because it’s these scenes that evoke a visceral reaction from the reader. Andrea worked with a writing teacher, Pam Houston, who told her, “Your readers are smart. You don’t have to explain everything to them. [They] aren’t going to need a play-by-play of what you should be feeling and you also don’t want to—and this really stayed with me as I revised—you don’t want to tell them what they should be feeling. They should get to feel what they want from your book.” It’s not easy to read a book about child sexual abuse, but every night I was eager to read another chapter. It was riveting, suspenseful, and reminded me of the way I felt reading The Glass Castle. “I take so much joy out of when people tell me the writing is good because that was so important to me, because I am a reader, and I love, love, love good writing,” Andrea said. “I love that moment where you read a book and you can’t put it down and you’re so happy. And then you’re kind of sad, even if the book was sad, that you don’t get to be in that book anymore.”Recommended reading from Andrea:Wild Game by Adrienne BroderReading Like a Writer by Francine ProseBastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy AllisonThe Glass Castle by Jeannette WallsEducated by Tara Westover

A conversation with the author of Dispatches From The Couch: A Neuroscientist and her Therapist Conspire to Reboot Her Brain.When including flashbacks to childhood sexual abuse, Stacey included questions she had at the time. These questions perfectly captured the confusion of the experiences, while at the same time showed just how young she was. Was I wearing my hair in pigtails? Or did he brush the shimmery strands aside. Was this after my Dorothy Hamill haircut? There’s a fair amount of self-loathing for her childhood self. Rather than tell the reader this, Stacey lets us into her mind to see the self-loathing for ourselves:Why can't there be a surgical option to cut any remnants of that chubby little misfit out of my adult self?Within the walls of our house, the overarching sense that we were a healthy, stable family dissolved overnight when fifth grade Stacey opened her goddamned mouth.If I could go back in time, I would let him do even worse things if I could tell myself to keep my fucking mouth shut.So much healing came after the book was published. Stacey’s older sister, at first, said she had no plans to read it because “she already lived it.” Once the book was published, though, she did read it, and the two spoke openly in a way that Stacey said it was the start of a completely new relationship with her sister. Stacey was most nervous to share the book with her mother. In one scene towards the end, she writes about the time she was in kindergarten and had been recently, repeatedly, sexually abused by her perpetrator, a dean at their church and family friend. The abuse had been going on for some time. On this particular day, Stacey seemed fine in the morning but once she got to school she felt sick, and her mom had to come pick her up. In the scene, Stacey’s mom is livid with her. She keeps up appearances with the teacher but once their in the car she unleashes on Stacey: "Why do you keep doing this? Who are you lying to, her or me? What kind of mother sends her daughter to school only to have her say she is sick this many days in a row? If you are sick, you need to stay home in the first place. Why ride all the way on the bus if you are going to tell her your stomach hurts as soon as you get here?! Now Mrs. Conway thinks I am a bad mother!!"I found Stacey’s mom in this particular moment to be completely relatable. Only Stacey and the reader knew about the abuse. I felt myself in her mom’s shoes, expecting to go about my day as planned and then getting a phone call from the school, and then losing my patience with a kid who claimed to be sick but just seemed fine when she was at home. I think, in memoir, you have to go all in on sharing the ugly or unlikeable parts of another character. When you try to protect them by skirting around the truth or caveating with explanations and excuses—or worse, skipping parts altogether—it makes those characters less relatable. This one scene and this one paragraph made my heart break for little kindergarten Stacey, yes, and it made my heart break for a mother who did not yet know what was going on, and did not parent perfectly on that day, just like I don’t on so many days. This scene made her mother human. Books that inspired the writing in Stacey's memoir: Body Work by Melissa FebosWhip Smart by Melissa FebosWintering by Katherine MayDispatches from the Couch is now available as an audiobook from Barnes & Noble and will soon be available on all major platforms.

A conversation with the author of The Maps They Gave Us.Wayne Scott refers to himself in the third person when discussing his memoir. I asked if that was a tool. “Absolutely,” Wayne said. “Some of my most miserable experiences in writers’ critique groups have been when people were writing memoir, and as you’re having the conversation in the group they’re saying, ‘I did this, I did that.’ They’re talking about the story and continuing it in the first-person narrative, and then it really just becomes group therapy because people want to rush and comfort the ‘I’ that’s sitting in front of them.”Wayne and I also discussed when to take creative liberties and change inconsequential details, how to build suspense in scenes, how writing in first-person present tense kept him more vulnerable because it created guard rails around the narrative and did not allow him the foresight or knowledge of the writer at the desk, and how he thinks about writing memoir and its impact on our kids.I asked his advice on how to move through the publishing process for my own book.“Write an honest book that’s beautiful,” he said. “And don’t think about the market. Then see where you can make it go.”References:Wayne’s Modern Love essayHuffington Post essays about his son:Why We Let Our Teenage Son Treat His Mental Health Issues With MarijuanaMy Son Is Skipping Thanksgiving This Year, But Not For The Reasons You Might Expect

A conversation with my editor, Michael Dean. Our biggest tension, in the eighteen months we’ve worked together on my book, is Show vs. Tell. I want to show all the time with action, dialogue, examples, and stories but Michael says you can’t only show. You have to tell sometimes so the reader can make sense of what you’ve shown them. We discussed multiple examples of showing and telling, and what makes a good tell vs. a bad tell. We also worked towards a new principle. There are two yous in the book—the you in the story and the writer at the desk. The new principle is this: the writer at the desk should be curious. The writer at the desk can wonder and think and have tangential thoughts, but she cannot show emotion or pass judgment. It doesn’t matter if you’re writing about a story that happened twenty years ago or one that happened yesterday. There has to be some detachment from the writer-you and the person-in-the-story-you. So I can say a direct quote from the me in the story that was emotional: “Get out of the pool! You’re not listening!” but my commentary on that cannot pass judgment with something like, “I shouldn’t have said that,” or “They were stressing me out,” or “I wish I could just be more patient with my kids.” Michael, who has a knack for coming up with principles, added, “It's not that no present self is allowed, it's that the present self shouldn't do too much emotional manipulation. They can wonder, digress, show you things like a time traveler, but it's not their role to label or interpret.”This led to our thoughts on vulnerability and what it means to be vulnerable. I said vulnerability should feel scary when you hit publish, like jumping off the high dive. If you write something shameful or embarrassing like, “I yelled in my kid’s face,” you can’t then say some version of, “I know that was wrong, I know that was terrible, I know I’m the worst.” Michael added, “To be vulnerable means to surrender control of the narrative of yourself.”

A conversation with the author of My Salinger Year.How many characters do you really need? Make a list. Every character needs to be fully-fleshed, each with their own motivations. In order to make them real, you need to find them interesting, complicated. You need to be curious. Then, you need to write from a place of love and cold-bloodedness at the same time. “If you really want to write something great, if you’re really aiming at greatness, at things truly working, not at just like getting something out there, you have to be okay with letting some time pass. … You ultimately know what you want to do. You know what your book is, even if you don’t think you do, you do, and you just have to do be patient with yourself.”Book proposals are difficult to write (it took her two years to write her most recent book proposal). It’s not something to write on your own; it’s something you tackle with an agent. You should not consider hiring a publicist until you sell your book to a publisher. Favorite writing conferences:Bread Loaf Writers’ ConferenceSewaneeAWP ConferenceUnbound Festival Newburyport Literary Festival Nantucket Literary FestivalBook recommendations:Fairyland by Alysia AbbottPoser by Claire DedererWild by Cheryl StrayedWhen Skateboards Will Be Free by Saiid SayrafiezadehThe Mothercode by Ruthy AckermanPermission by Elissa AltmanAll You Can Ever Know by Nicole ChungAll of Donna Tartt’s novelsThe Girls from Corona del Mar by Rufi ThorpeFaith by Jennifer HaighWrite Through It by Kate McKean

A conversation with the author of If You Must Go, I Wish You Triplets:-When you include your thoughts that are unkind, immature, or that you’re embarrassed to admit, it’s funny and relatable. “In the bedroom, I grab two boxes and throw in Perry's shirts, belts, ties, underwear, shorts, and pants, and dump them in the garage. Hopefully, they'll mildew.”-Sometimes you need an outside perspective to title your book. You, as the writer, are too close to it. Fresh eyes on the manuscript could see something you don’t. Virginia used a company called Title Doctor.-When you’re writing a scene about your younger self, think of how that version of you is different from your current self. In Virginia’s case, she used to curse a lot and avoided direct confrontation with her mother, so in the scene, she cursed (only once; otherwise it would have been distracting), and when he mother asked her questions she responded in other ways: shrugging off the jacket she didn’t want, and cursing in her mind, wondering where her ride was. -Endings are hard! According to Virginia, “It’s hard to sign out.” She wrote an Epilogue five years later, and ended with dialogue—a conversation with her ex-husband. Originally, the exchange was supposed to be at the beginning of the book. Late in the writing process, she moved it to the end. -Virginia published her book through Apprentice House Press, the nation’s first and largest entirely student-managed book publisher. They don’t require an agent. University presses are a great way to publish your book if you don’t self-publish or go through a traditional publisher. -Write fan letters to your favorite writers! Virginia wrote a fan letter to Abigail Thomas. She wrote that it was her first fan letter, told her how much she loved her writing, and that she had had a small writing success. Abigail responded immediately and said no writing success is small, and asked Virginia to share the link for the article she had published. Later, Virginia asked her to write a blurb. Abigail read her manuscript and wrote a blurb that said, “I’ve never quite felt this way before with any other book.” -Virginia’s advice, when I asked about publishing my first book, was to get into a writers group. You need a few people to read your writing and see how everything is landing.

A conversation with the author of It Must Be Beautiful To Be Finished.-The key to writing about someone you love who you’ve also been hurt by, is to write with empathy. Think about their perspective and their experience and be generous and loving when you do. -Be wary of the please-feel-bad-for-me voice-Analogies should be both fresh and accurate-Metaphors written as standalone chapters, without any reference to how they relate to your story, are a powerful way to trust the reader and not hit them over the head with they're meaning. -The most important person in getting her book published was her agent.-Three memoirs that have inspired her writing.

A conversation with the author of Happy To Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser.LINKSBooks:Happy To HelpWhen Did I Get Like This?Essay:Why I Didn't Want A Girl (originally titled: A Daughter At Last)Podcast:What Fresh Hell? References:Mom 2.0 ConferenceBooked Author seriesZibby Retreat (Santa Barbara)

Here’s what I learned from Happy To Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser by Amy Wilson:Include your fantasies. It’s especially funny if you can incorporate four levels in the build up to the punchline:First: set the scene—what’s about to happenSecond: set the stakes—why is this a big dealThird: fantasy/a positive hypothetical of what’s to comeFourth: Dialogue/action of what actually transpiredWrite a short and snappy analogy that has pronouns and alliteration: “It was like hiring Kidz Bop for a bachelor party.”Include proper nouns. Proper nouns that are personal to you make the writing more compelling, specific, and yes, even funny: “I used to make fun of my husband for letting his perception of a good night's sleep be ruined by what his Whoop told him.”

Memoir deep dive #21Here’s what I learned from Here After by Amy Lin: One way to treat your audience like a genius is to not say the next obvious thing. Where can I leave out what the reader already knows is coming? One approach to this: in every paragraph I write, where can I remove the last sentence? “I stare at the blank ceiling tiles and wonder when Kurtis will call me. I have so much to tell him.” Expressing negative feelings about a person’s appearance is funnier than directly expressing negative feelings about the person. “Also, I hate Michelle’s haircut.”  When using Anaphora—which is repetition at the start of a sentence or clause—the last line should punch with specificity. “It is the only thing I feel able to do since he died. The only way I am able to say what it is like for me. The only place I can meet grief without being utterly consumed by it.” The most important place to leave out thoughts and feelings (and only show dialogue and action) is when I’m the most emotional. The angrier I feel, the less feelings should be put on the page.

Here's what I learned from Good Prose: The Art of Nonfiction by Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd: -When writing memoir, never insert present knowledge about your past if it means condemning your past self or celebrating your present self. -Avoid casual prose such as, "you know," or "bet you thought," or "ummm, hello?" This style of writing seeks instant intimacy with the reader. It's a style what wants to SEEM fresh and authentic but has the opposite effect. -Don't be melodramatic! I cannot write that "I was homeless" because I was crashing on my friend's couch in between living situations. Just write what happened. Just write the facts. -If you want to publish a book you don't need a marketing plan or a book proposal. You need 20-30 pages of good prose and a trusted agent's counsel.

Here’s what I learned from my conversation with Sandy Schnakenburg, author of The Housekeeper's Secret: When you’re writing about a tragic or shocking event, one way to create suspense is to tease that something bad is coming. In the book she had a terrible accident on her bike, and at the beginning of the chapter a character calls out and tells her to be careful riding to school. From there until the moment of the crash she slows down time by including the tiniest details and specifics surrounding the moment—what time she left, her route to school, who she was meeting, why she couldn’t be late, and that first period math was her favorite. She described the actual ride, the way she rode with no hands, and later how she stood up on the pedals. It took Sandy 14 years to write her book, and the structure changed from a book of essays, to a braided memoir, to a chronological, compressed timeline with a hook at the beginning pulled from the midpoint of the story. An editor helped her to remove 50,000 words and bring the reader more onto the page by removing her analysis of the scenes. Her editor said, “Leave it to the reader. Let them decide. Let them process what happened.”  Sandy wrote a synopsis and summary of her book before it was ever finished. She sent the synopsis to an agent and he picked her up—just like that! She attended the San Francisco Writers Conference, where she pitched her book all day long to writers, editors, and agents. It was there she met her editor and book publisher.  If you want to publish a book your story needs to have a universal theme. Once you have that and can really communicate that, then you need to figure out how to distribute it. Then you need a good publicist. (Sandy interviewed twenty-five publicists.)

Here’s what I learned from Long Live The Tribe Of Fatherless Girls by T Kira Madden: First lines should make the reader curious to read more. They can be surprising, specific, and/or present a conflict. It’s important to stay in moments longer by going deeper with details and going on tangents that add context.  Write unsparingly about yourself to get the reader to root for you—without disclaimers.  Write about complicated characters in your life by sharing stories that show their different sides.

Here’s what I learned from Still Life At Eighty by Abigail Thomas: Revealing the dark parts of yourself in writing makes those things less scary and less powerful.  Simple, clear, no-frill writing can be just as powerful and moving as fancy prose. Lean into your style, whatever it may be.  Sometimes writing can just be keeping a log of your feelings and experiences. It might not be something to publish now, but later, when you can look back at that time in your life and have rich details to include once you’ve had some separation from it.  If you don’t know what to write about, write about what you’re struggling with. Rhythm is important: Print out what you’ve written in a different font so it looks like somebody else wrote it and read it out loud. When your voice goes dead, there’s either something hiding behind that sentence or it’s just boring.  Memoir is not a place to get revenge or cast oneself as victim. Freelance Writing Direct podcast interview with Abigail Thomas

Here’s what I learned from My Salinger Year by Joanna Rakoff: How to write dialogue in a novelistic or cinematic way: Include details about the surrounding area. The weather, scenery, anything the characters interact with, other people in the room. This is especially useful at the start of the scene, and if/when the scene changes.  When you add context for the reader it should relate to the dialogue before it. It can also help establish the relationship of the characters. There are three people to consider in a two-person conversation: the two people in the scene and the reader. Dialogue can be inside-baseball between the two characters even it’s unclear to the reader, but interjections by the writer can clarify and invite the reader into what’s happening.  A scene should not end at the end of the conversation, but at a point when a character says something that transitions into the next scene.  And here’s the link to Joanna’s conversation with Estelle Erasmus on Freelance Writing Direct.

Sam is back to discuss more marital arguments, though he insists they rarely argue while Charlie insists they argue plenty.

I submitted a personal essay to the New York Times weekly column, Modern Love. In this episode I talk about how I learned about the column, how I decided to submit an essay under my real name, and a little context for what the essay is about.  References: 39 Submission Tips for Modern Love  Estelle Erasmus interviews:  Noah Michelson  Joanna Rakoff Abigail Thomas Maggie Smith Cheryl Strayed

Here’s what I learned from three sobriety memoirs: The Night of the Gun by David Carr: Interview the people from your past. It doesn’t have to be formal or recorded. It could be as simple as a text message to see what they remember about the event.  This can accomplish three things:  It’s a way to add more details into your story.  It allows the person to feel like they’re a part of the process of writing it as opposed to feeling like it’s one-sided.  It makes you, the writer, more relatable and reliable because you’re giving different perspectives.  The Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober by Catherine Gray: Don’t break the fourth wall to manipulate the reader or try to get them on your side. Breaking the fourth wall should always be a statement, not a question.  Option: Use sarcasm or let them in on a secret.  We Are The Luckiest by Laura McKowen: Just tell the story and leave the reader out of it. 

Heres’s what I learned from Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp AND The Elements Of Eloquence by Mark Forsyth. Anaphora is when you start each phrase, sentence, or paragraph with the same word or words. But be careful: readers always remember the opening words but often forget the rest. So when using anaphora, be intentional about what you want to emphasize. Also, only using one word for the anaphora—as opposed to a phrase—is slightly less powerful but beautifully hypnotic.  Epistrophe is when you end each phrase, sentence, or paragraph with the same word. Diacope is when a word or phrase is repeated after a brief interruption. Parataxis is short, clear, matter-of-fact sentences, often subject-verb, without conjunctions (think Hemingway). Knapp was selective with parataxis, using it when she wrote about the moment she found out her father died and again at the moment her mother died. In both instances, it was a shocking, cringey admission because she was drunk both times. Pleonasm is the use of unneeded words, sometimes repeating the exact same word, other times saying the same thing in a slightly different way. This can annoy readers, but when utilized for intentional redundancy can be quite effective and powerful.

Do you want to write under a pseudonym or not? I have been writing as Charlie Bleecker for over four years. If you want to give it a real go, commit to it for a year.  Do my friends read my writing? No. Does my family read my writing? No. That is the whole point.  If you care at all about growing your audience in a time span of less than 10 years, don’t do it. What about support? It’s nice to have your family and friends support you… That’s true. But give it time. You only need one or two people to support you in the beginning. I have SO much support now, and none of it comes from my friends or family, except for my husband. He is the one person in my life who knew about Charlie from the beginning. How to choose your name: Pick a name you like! One that’s easy to say and easy to spell and isn’t super common if you search it in Google. 

Here’s what I learned from Life On Delay by John Hendrickson: On Structure: When you open with a big event, where something big is about to happen, it creates suspense. The opening is a pivotal moment. There was life before this moment, and then there’s life after.  Around ¾ of the way through the book he comes back to this moment and finishes the story.  The life-changing moment is only the beginning of the major changes to come for John (aka, the main character). The life changing moment, then, is a catalyst for change and growth.  On the relationships with his family, namely his brother Matt: Adjectives are manipulative when describing the people you’re close to. Showing is always more compelling than telling.  When writing about your past—especially your adolescence—the best way to evoke emotion out of the reader is to leave your feelings out of it, whether they were your feelings back then or your feelings now. The best way to introduce a main character in your story is through multiple stories about them. When introducing a character who you had or have a troubled relationship with, it’s important to write about them completely separate from you. So there should be stories that involve you AND stories that don’t involve you, so the reader can get a fuller sense of who this person is. Phrases I will never write in my own book: “I don’t blame them,” or “absolutely thrilled.”  Other Notes: When jumping around to past, present, and future, it’s important to find ways of anchoring the reader and orienting them by letting them know where we are on the timeline, in relation to big events that have already occurred in the story.  Freeze frame: when you’ve finally arrived at a big moment—in this book’s case, a hard conversation—one way to build suspense is to break up the dialogue by commenting on something else that’s happening at the same time. In this instance, John wrote about what was going on in his head simultaneously.   On Endings:  A powerful way to end is with a story. It doesn’t have to be fancy or clever. This was simple, abrupt, and beautiful.  Here’s the link to Michael Dean’s video about the David Foster Wallace essay:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbjup1xuo8Q&t=1s

Here’s what I learned from How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart by David Foster Wallace: Rather than tell us how bad the memoir was, he lists eight (eight!) examples—all quotes from the book.  Later, he explicitly tells us how bad TV interviews of top athletes are, then gives two very long and detailed back-to-back examples to make his point.  The best memoirs are written by writers, and celebrity memoirs are trash.

Here’s what I learned from My Fair Junkie by Amy Dresner: Amy Dresner is the second memoirist I’ve read who had a life changing moment with a breathwork teacher—Glennon Doyle was the first, in Love Warrior. So I found a breathwork person near me and did it! I don’t know if it was life changing but I definitely had a moment.  Character intros should have lots of specific details, and don’t be afraid to make them long, like three or four sentences.  A rule about parentheticals: they should always only be hilarious. Lots of examples of how to not write your feelings or your own commentary to the story, especially when the dialogue is gold (as it was in Amy’s story).  And a quick update on my memoir!

Here's what I learned from Lost & Found by Kathryn Schulz: Create tension by pairing repetition with opposites. Add playfulness by pairing something literal with something figurative.  Show don’t tell: how can you show us you’re crying without telling us? Also… an update on my memoir!

Here’s what I learned from In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado: I can write a cohesive story that is made up of little stories, all strung together with a unifying theme.  When writing about moments of inebriation or vulnerability, it’s funny to include present-tense comments of your thoughts at the time, like a question you thought, or something ridiculous that would not make sense if you were sober.  Metaphors don’t need to be explicitly explained, as long as there's context surrounding it.  Surprise your reader with a different format at some point in the book: in this case, she did a whole section of Choose Your Own Adventure. When you find it difficult to explain something, analogies are a great tool.

Here's what I learned from A Life's Work by Rachel Cusk: -Sometimes your experience of something is enough, sometimes it’s all there is. You don’t have to share wisdom or lessons; you could just tell people what happened, and there's value in that. -When you include disclaimers you water down the thing you were trying to say. It takes away from the truth and makes you unrelatable. -Write unsparingly about yourself means to ONLY write unsparingly about yourself. You don't then try to redeem yourself after the fact. Just say the shitty thing and move on. When you try to redeem yourself it makes you unlikeable. -When you write an analogy, the more parallels you can make the more vivid the analogy becomes. -In a run-on sentence it's funny if you can add a conflicting statement—I want this but I also want the opposite of this. Also, the run-on sentence is more powerful if either the sentences just before or after are really short. -If you want to tell a story that involves another person but you don't want to include them, you don't have to! You can leave them out completely, or, you can make it known that they were there but then still leave them out of the story. If the person doesn't add any relevance to your story, if their presence is more distracting than anything else, just leave them out.

Here’s what I learned from The Liars’ Club by Mary Karr: If I want to tell stories from my past that involve family members, I can ask them how they remember the same story and include their perspective by saying things like, “If I gave my big sister a paragraph here, she would correct my memory. To this day, she claims…” or “Lecia says that…” or “My sister says this never happened.”  I can tell my truth and honor my story while and also share my family’s perspective. It’s not 'I’m right and they’re wrong,' it’s 'here’s how I remember it and here’s how my family remembers it.'

Here’s what I learned from Cheryl Strayed: “The hardest part about memoir is the unfortunate fact that other people exist.” Every time she writes about anyone other than herself she asks herself a series of questions— Will this hurt our relationship?  Will this unfairly invade someone's privacy?  Will I be able to tell this story in such a way that is both deeply rooted in my truth and also acknowledging that that person I'm writing about would tell a different version of this story?  Do I have the right to tell their story, even if it's just through my perspective?  Will invading their privacy harm them or hurt them?  Cheryl wrote a longform essay titled Two Women Walk Into A Bar, available in early January 2024. It’s about her mother-in-law who recently passed away. They had a troubled relationship and Cheryl had to navigate how to tell their story with kindness at its center.  “Don’t be afraid of the dark stuff, because the beautiful stuff is there, too.” The secret of memoir: when you can ask a universal question and tie it to your own personal question.  Cheryl’s personal question for Wild: How can I live without my mom? Her universal question: How do we go on when we've lost someone who's essential to us? Cheryl explains how to find and cultivate your authentic voice.  She ends by answering the following question from the audience:  How can I write a book if my family says I'm crazy and that “it didn't happen"? In short, she says your family members are not your audience, and your book is not for them.  — The first memoir deep dive I did was on Cheryl Strayed’s Wild in Episode 22. Listen here.

Here's what I learned from What Remains by Carole Radziwill: -The best prologue I’ve read so far because of her journalistic style of writing.  -Structure is so important. It should be seamless, unnoticeable; surprising but not confusing. Never linear.  -Rather than attempt to describe visceral moments from my life where I’ve “cried so hard,” I can skip them altogether.   -Facts are more shocking than trying to describe the shocking thing. -A strong ending: circled back to the prologue and then closed with a flashback.

Memoir deep dive #8 Here’s what I learned from The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls: -When you leave out thoughts and feelings it evokes big emotions from the reader. -Action and dialogue drive a story—not thoughts and feelings. -If you want to drop a bomb, bury it. Make it subtle, within a sentence. Say it and move on.  -A long list can evoke big emotions. -Include moments of resolution, when something difficult has occurred that has made me determined and focused about myself or my future. -Want a strong ending? End with a callback metaphor.

Memoir deep dive #7 Here's what I learned from Born Standing Up by Steve Martin: -Breaking the 4th wall is when the writer addresses the reader directly. It's intimate, it's funny, and a lot of comedic writers do it. It's a fun way to make the reader feel like they're a part of the story. -The best way to be sarcastic in writing is to be subtle about it. -Our fantasies are hilarious, vulnerable, and relatable. When sharing a fantasy, the deeper into it you go, the better it gets. -Great ending! He ended with a joke. How fitting and satisfying when this book was all about his standup career. As the reader, I was hanging on to every word of the last page, and smiled to myself at the punchline.

Memoir deep dive #6 Here's what I learned from Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle: -Her book structure was as follows: Prelude (her wedding day) Part 1 :The Before Image (childhood to rock bottom, to pregnant, to marrying Craig) Part 2: The Explosion (being sober and married and a mom is hard, writing is the light in her life, and then the bomb is dropped—Craig confesses that he's cheated on her multiple times) Part 3: The Transformation (a journey to self-trust, forgiveness, and a new way of being) Afterword (renewing her wedding vows) The Prelude and Afterword acted as bookends, mirroring each other. -She uses a coined term throughout the book: my representative. This is the Instagram version of herself, the one she sends forward to protect herself from harm. The one who tells the world, "I'm fine," even though she's not. She came back to this term again and again, until finally, she has a new understanding of her representative. -There were a few moments when she wrote with anger that made me feel bad for her husband even though he cheated on her. For myself, I want to try and take out all emotion, all of my thoughts, and just stick to the story. I don't want to coerce readers into taking my side. I want them to decide for themselves how they feel about the different characters. -The ending felt a little too hopeful, a little too wrapped up in a bow, a little too boring. For myself, I want there to be a punch at the end. I still want it to be happy, but I want to make the reader laugh, or cry, or both. The ending should be a story, and it should grip the reader until the very last words.

Memoir deep dive #5 Here's what I learned from The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer: - Repetition can have a lyrical effect, which makes your writing read almost like a poem. It's also a fun tool when writing as a drunk person, because drunk people repeat themselves. - Analogies are a descriptive way to be more specific and visual, and avoid cliches. You don't need to force analogies. Try to think of it this way: What does this really remind me of? - Alliteration is a subtle way to make your writing sing. Also, when you have alliteration with two contrasting, polar opposite words, it creates a real punch. - There's no space between the word and the em dash—like this. - Don't look up writing rules on the internet! Instead, read the writing of people you admire, and write like them (Ex. Moehringer rarely uses commas). - Foreshadowing creates suspense and asks a question. Later, it answers that question. - Callbacks are a relevant reference to something that took place earlier in the narrative. Different from foreshadowing, they feel like a pat on the back, or like an inside joke, like we know what’s going on because we were here from the beginning. - Write about the moments when nothing actually happened—the missed opportunities when I wish I said something or reacted differently. What did I wish I had said? What was I feeling at the time? - Here's something fun: Write a quote of someone talking to me about someone else, but it feels like they're talking about me. Instead of reacting, have the person continue to react to my facial expression. Ex. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" - "Don't strain for the perfect sentence. There's no such thing." When you try to craft a perfect sentence, you don't allow your voice to shine through. - Share my bad writing ideas throughout the book. It's fun to see the process!

Here's what I learned from Finding Me by Viola Davis: - Never write: "Words can't describe..." because that's what writing is. It's describing things. - Show don't tell. Show the reader something is important with your words, not punctuation marks. - If you have an amazing story to tell but you're not a very good writer, consider hiring a ghost writer. Here's what I learned from Based On A True Story by Norm Macdonald - It's okay to have a bad memory and still tell your story because ... no one has a perfect memory! - The mirroring technique is powerful: when you write something in a very specific way and then repeat that phrase or sentence later to create impact. - When you tell some stories that are true and some that are absurd, how is the reader supposed to know the difference? Here's what I learned from The Santaland Diaries (essay) by David Sedaris - Repeating something someone has said 3x can have a funny, sarcastic effect. - Rather than respond to something with your thoughts/ideas, respond with a story or observation. This is more compelling and more credible. - You don't need to end your story with your thoughts, feelings, values to impart, lessons learned. You can just end with the actual ending of the story!

Here's what I learned from Crying In H Mart: -Food is a very visual theme she uses throughout the book. What's a visual theme I could use in my book? -Specific, observational details are interesting and engaging. -Whenever you write about a person, you have to show the good and bad. People are never one-dimensional. -Litter your book with continuous stories, where you tell a piece of a story and let it hang, then come back to it later. This creates a feeling of satisfaction for the reader that a loop has been closed. -When you admit the things you're ashamed of, it's not only relatable to the reader, it's also freeing and empowering for you, the writer. -Include a chapter about your spouse/partner if they are a part of your story! -Endings feel satisfying when there is an actual end or culmination. In this case, she ends with her music tour, and the last stop is her birth place and mother's home. References: Danica Delacruz's ⁠essay⁠

In these memoir deep dives I highlight my takeaways from the book and how I can apply what I learn to writing my own memoir. Here's what I learned from Greenlights: - Coin a term for the title of your book. - Open with a powerful, visual scene. - "The choices we make write the chapters." - Take creative liberties: experiment with more dialogue! - Repeat themes/ideas you want the reader to remember. - Make your book unique: McConaughey had little poems written throughout; I want to write fantastic Acknowledgments. - The midpoint of your book should be an up or a down for the "protagonist" (ie me). This is similar to feature length screenplays. The midpoint of Greenlights is the moment McConaughey becomes famous. - Write a chapter on how you met the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with (obviously... because this is the most important decision of your life). - Endings are hard, but it might just write itself. Write the bulk of the book, and then think about the ending. I don't need to start with the ending in mind.

Charlie is going to write a memoir. What better way to learn about memoir than to read them and reflect on them? In this episode, Charlie talks about what resonated from the book Wild by Cheryl Strayed, and how her notes can help her as she thinks about her own writing. This new format was inspired by David Senra's Founders Podcast. If you haven't listened to his podcast, you should.

Charlie forgets to press record on the first hour of her conversation with Polina. No matter! Polina is a gem. They talk about how they write and their relationships with alcohol. Polina shares her thoughts on personal writing and failure. And they end with a new segment they came up with together called Slow Burn And Smooth Jazz. You won't want to miss it. Pre-order Polina's book, out June 20! ⁠Hidden Genius⁠: The Secret Ways Of Thinking That Power The World's Most Successful People References: Colleen Hoover 15 Months Without Alcohol Militaristic — definitely a word I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays On Midlife And Motherhood by Jessi Klein ⁠Why It's So Hard to Create Original Work In the Face of Conventional Wisdom⁠ (Polina’s essay on originality) An Orgasmic Birth (Charlie’s essay on childbirth) Judy Blume Educated by Tara Westover The Bachelor The White Lotus Season 2

Charlie hates hates hates hates hates feeling stupid. And she did something REALLY stupid this week. References: I Hate Feeling Stupid Shrinking on Apple TV

The Bleeckers got COVID. It sucked, but it could be worse. Charlie and Sam talk about their bad habits with sweets and their relationship with alcohol (not great, but they've come a long way). George has gotten particular with his food preferences which makes mealtime a struggle. They debate whether George is speaking words yet, and Sam calls Charlie selfish for making him sleep in the guest bedroom.  References:  Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch 15 Months Without Alcohol (The Profile) The Pomp Podcast #836 Balancing Work & Marriage with Polina, Pomp, Alex, & Matteo The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga Dave Chang on The Darya Rose Show

Charlie and Sam discuss the mindfuck that is sleep training your baby. Then Charlie opens up about her chronic neck pain and anxiety and explores what it means to live a happy life. She ends with a song. You're welcome. References:  Boyd Varty on The Tim Ferriss Show Zero-based budgeting The Disease of More

Charlie struggles with her need to be liked and Sam admits a recent parenting fail with the newborn. They excitedly discuss a new purchase: suitcases!! Then Charlie tells the story of how she and Sam met and tries to articulate some thoughts around the idea that "timing is everything." References: The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga The Tim Ferriss Show with Boyd Varty Away Luggage

The podcasting honeymoon phase is over for Charlie and Sam! They got into a massive argument this week and things got ugly before they eventually (finally) resolved it. They talk about their recent parenting struggle: finding the perfect nanny. And end by dreaming about their "rich life."  References: I Will Teach You To Be Rich with Ramit Sethi (podcast)

Charlie sticks her foot in her mouth once again and lives to tell the tale. She and Sam finally resolve a conflict that occurred almost two years ago.  Then they share their latest parenting struggle: brushing their toddler's teeth. They discuss their mentalities around money and talk about their recent purchase: a nursery chair for the new baby. And to cap it off, they end with their favorite show, The Bachelor. (Or is it??) References: Pottery Barn Kids nursery chair West Elm Mid-Century chair Eames Lounge Chair and Ottoman (replica) The Best Eames Chair Replica – Buyer’s Guide

Charlie is joined by her husband Sam to rehash their latest argument (it's not Charlie's best look). Then they discuss what they learned recently about parenting, talk about their 16-month-old son's struggles with swallowing food, and end with goals for 2022.  References: How To Raise An Adult: Break Free Of The Overparenting Trap And Prepare Your Kid For Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims The Darya Rose Show with Michaeleen Doucleff Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff