Episodes
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2017 Movie Awards: The Teddies and the Jakies
What was the scariest moment in a movie this year? Who was the most typecast actor? Which film was the most overrated? It's time to hand out the only movie awards that matter: the Teddies and the Jakies! Teddy welcomes Jake Longstreth back onto New Rankings to celebrate the very best films of…
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Top 10 Movies of 2017 with Kevin Best
Teddy welcomes back New Rankings film correspondent and James-Cameron-action-figure owner Kevin Best (Sequel Rewrite podcast) for a James-Cameron-movie-length discussion of the top 10 movies of 2017. Some of the films discussed include Coco, Logan, Kedi, Get Out, some cannibal movie that Kevin...
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Top 10 Fashion Trends We Want to See in 2018 with Emma
Teddy got a new hat, and it's all he really wants to talk about anymore. On this New Rankings, he welcomes Emma back to predict the top ten hottest fashion trends of 2018, but mostly they just admire his hat. Additional topics of discussion include: the shockingly sustained relevance of the Big…
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FANTASY DRAFT! Fictional Football Teams with Jake
Are you ready for some footbaw??? Just in time for the NFL playoffs (playoffs?!), Teddy welcomes his best man Jake Longstreth back onto New Rankings to draft their best fictional football squads, comprised of players from such classic gridiron tales as The Replacements, Friday Night Lights,...
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Top 7 Books We Read in 2017 with Kit
Happy 2018! Teddy welcomes his sister, noted bookworm Kit Steinkellner, back onto the New Rankings Book Club to count down their top 7 reads from 2017. Along the way, they give insight into their favorite literary genres: depressing politics books and "trashy thrillers" for Teddy; Asian women...
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Top 10 Santas with Lindsey
Ho, ho, ho! On this episode of Yule Rankings, Teddy welcomes back Lindsey Toiaivao as they celebrate everyone's favorite holiday mascot-slash-horny dad, Santa Claus! Lindsey and Teddy rank their top ten Santas in film, fiction, and folklore, from Krampus to the Grinch, from Tim Allen to JTT....
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Top 10 Fictional Families with Emma
With the holidays approaching -- and with their childhood home facing the threat of a terrifying wildfire -- Teddy and Emma take a moment to count their blessings, Berenstain Bears-style, and rank their top ten fictional families ever. Some of the ohanas on their lists include: the Corleones, the...
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Top 8 Ways to Keep That Bro Bond with Molina
Who dem boys? *WE* dem boys! In this testosterone-fueled episode (recorded live from a boycation in Houston, Texas!), Teddy and his eternal bro Andrew Molina crack open some cold ones and count down the top eight ways to keep that bro bond alive, even as distance and adulthood try to get in the...
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Top 7 Things Millennials and Baby Boomers Can Learn From Each Other With Cheri
Boomer versus Millennial. Rotary phones versus sexting. Sitcom jokes versus nonsense memes. Woman who thinks she's always right versus the devil boy she created in her own image. Yep, it's a generational battle here on New Rankings, as Teddy and his mother Cheri put the participation trophies…
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Top 8 Greek Gods with Sophie
Put on your toga, grab some ambrosia, and avoid any nearby swans -- it's time to go Greek! In this episode, Teddy and his friend Sophie, host of the She's All Fat podcast (@shesallfatpod), rank their top eight gods and godesses of Greek antiquity. Discussion topics include why Sophie seemingly…
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Top 7 Pieces of Marriage Advice with Courtney
Apologies for the three-week delay in content, Teddy regrets.......... nothing! Because he was off getting married! And from now on, every episode of the show will be marriage-themed! In this podcast, Teddy and his new wife Courtney rank their top seven pieces of marriage advice, since now that...
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Top 7 Scariest Movies with Kevin Best
"The podcast... is coming... from inside the phone." In this episode, Teddy welcomes Kevin Best, host of the "Sequel Rewrite" podcast, back onto New Rankings, as they count down the top seven movies that most freaked them out as fifth graders at sleepovers. Discussion topics include: creepy...
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FANTASY DRAFT! Monster Draft with Kit and Emma
"They did the draft... they did the monster draft!" In this Halloween spooktacular, the Steinkiller sibs assemble at the witching hour to prick their thumbs and pick the scariest, silliest monster squads. Memorable debates from the episode include: "Does a 'magical serial killer' qualify as a...
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PART 2: Top 10 Funniest Sitcom Characters with Bill
In Part 2 of this very special New Rankings, Teddy and Bill Steinkellner, aka "the co-executive producer of 'Emeril,'" aka "Dad," finish their light-hearted romp through the top 10 funniest sitcom characters ever. Questions answered on this episode include: "Which sitcom star inspired Bill to...
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PART 1: Top 10 Funniest Sitcom Characters with Bill
Hey Rank & File! Starting this week, we're trying something new. As you know, some of our episodes -- like a bad "Will & Grace" from 2002 -- tend to get a bit super-sized. Yet we don't want you to get overwhelmed week-to-week and miss out on any of this hot, hot content! So beginning now, we'll…
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Top 7 Thriller Books with Fred Klein
This episode of New Rankings finally answers the age-old question: can a Millennial and a nonagenarian become the best of friends? Teddy's guest is literary luminary (and 94-year old!) Fred Klein, former executive editor of Bantam Books and host of the popular Santa Barbara TV show, "Literary...
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Top 7 Criminally Underseen TV Shows with Kit
Yes, it's officially fall: the kids are back in school, the apples are ripe for the picking, and all of the new TV shows are complete and utter garbage. Luckily, Teddy and Kit are here to help you out with that last one. In this episode, the self-important Steinkellner sibs rank their top seven...
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FANTASY DRAFT! Letters of the Alphabet with Max and James
Y is this the most dramatic New Rankings yet? O, U will C... In this episode, Teddy is joined by his friends, improvisers Max Sosna-Spear and James Mannion, for a topical twist on a standard ranking -- it's a fantasy draft! Only instead of picking football players for pretend points and imaginary...
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Top 10 Broadway Musicals with Cheri (featuring Emma)
"Let us... entertain you..." In this episode, Teddy is joined by his Mama Rose, Tony-nominated writer Cheri Steinkellner, and his Baby June, little sister Emma, as they rank the top ten Broadway musicals ever belted, from "Sweeney" to "Seussical." Along the way, they share some personal…
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MAILBAG! Mini-Rankings with Courtney and Emma
What is the best shape? The coolest fictional world? The nicest way to end a relationship? The sexiest Pokemon? Sure, such questions might not warrant a full episode of New Rankings on their own, but they are crucial, contentious issues all the same. Ergo... the mailbag! In this episode, Teddy,...
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Top 8 Tween Icons with Casey
In a desperate bid to win the affections of today's youth, Teddy enlists the help of Stanford-educated tweenologist (and his almost-sister-in-law) Casey Khademi to count down the top eight tween stars ever to grace the butt of a KMart bathing suit. This episode features cool and relevant stars of...
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Top 10 Inspirational Animals with Sylvie
Balto. Baby Fiona. Christian. Harambe. Lamby. We know their stories. We weep when they die. We give them new life with our memes. But which of these animals inspires us the most? Whose paw is proudest of all? In this episode, Teddy and his good friend, literary agent Sylvie Greenberg, rank the…
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Top 9 Weirdest Things About Reality with Brian
Do you ever just stare at your feet and think, "whoa... I have feet"? Then this is the podcast for you! Join Teddy and his brother-in-law Brian Aspell, a.k.a. "Count Curioso," as they rank the top nine weirdest things about reality. Topics include circadian rhythms, circumcision, the base ten...
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Top 8 Most Shocking Hollywood Deaths with Scott Michaels
Teddy and Courtney go all the way next door to hunt down this episode's expert, Scott Michaels, the founder of Dearly Departed Tours in LA. Together, they rank the top eight most shocking deaths in Hollywood history, covering such topics as the Benedict Canyon curse, Jayne Mansfield's death car,...
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Top 10 Sequels with Kevin Best
In this bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab of an episode, Teddy and his guest Kevin Best rank the top ten bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab movie sequels of all time! Important questions include: Why has everyone forgotten about Austin Powers? Is Godfather II actually that good? And of course,...
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Top 10 Logos with Nic
They're beautiful, they're everywhere, they're always watching you, even in your dreams... logos! In this episode, Teddy and his friend, poet Nic Reiner, rank their top ten logos in the world of business and beyond. Discussion topics include pantsless animals playing sports, happy ethnic food...
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Top 8 Hottest Hunks of History with Lindsey
Did you exist in the 1800s? Do you have pallid skin and sad eyes? Did you die before age 25 of typhoid, or mumps? Then you just might be featured in this episode! Teddy and his good friend Lindsey Toiaivao hop in the DeLorean and rank the top eight hottest hunks in all of history. Discussion…
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Top 11 Candies with Bill
At long last, Bill Steinkellner -- Teddy's hilarious father and the world's foremost confectionery hoarder -- joins New Rankings to count down the top eleven types of candy. Discussion topics include the weird proliferation of wax and gummy body parts, Teddy's grassroots campaign to bring back…
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Top 7 Lifehacks with Dio
What *is* a lifehack? According to Teddy's good friend, Slack designer Diogenes "Dio" Brito, lifehacks are little strategies for altering your environment in order to optimize your efficiency and enjoyment of life. According to Teddy, they're... well, Teddy doesn't really know what they are, but…
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Top 10 Rules for Being Cool in High School (10 Years Ago) with Courtney
Two Roads Month* concludes as Teddy and Courtney log onto their LiveJournals, don their funniest Jesus t-shirts, and rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school (ten years ago). Topics include hickeys, hotboxing, cyberbullying, and Teddy's traumatic appearance in teen court. Featuring...
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Top 10 Rules for Being Cool in High School (in 2017) with Emma
Suh, fam! #thatawkwardmoment when a couple of ignorant bihs try to interpret Millennial culture and it's high-key sus AF but also low-key lit... In this episode, Teddy is joined by Emma in order to translate the previous sentence and also to rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school in...
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Top 8 Tom Cruise Performances with Jake
Fidelio, Suppressive Persons! While a few good men may argue that Tom Cruise has lost that lovin' feelin', Teddy and Jake feel he's made all the right moves, and that to call him anything but a master of the muffin would be galactically stupid. So to honor the release of his upcoming film The...
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Top 7 Graduation Speeches with Cheri
Congrats, grads! Four crazy years -- you made it! But... you're still woefully ignorant when it comes to real life, which can mean only one thing... twenty minutes of clichéd advice from a sweaty celebrity! In this episode, Teddy and his mother Cheri put their mortarboards together and rank the…
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Top 7 Coming-of-Age Novels with Kit
Teddy and Kit kick off Two Roads Month* by ranking the top 7 coming-of-age novels ever written. Topics include the adult/teen relationship genre, the twincest genre, and the origin of Kit and Teddy’s favorite angsty/inspirational teenage catchphrase, “You hear that world? We’re bigger than…
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Top 7 Badass Ways to be Vulnerable with Molina
The CosmoBros are back! Teddy welcomes love doctor and chief vulnerability officer Andrew Molina back to the podcast to rank their top seven badass vulnerability moves. Discussion topics include unleashing your inner melodrama, actually appreciating your partner's exes, and the art of giving the...
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Top 6 Murderers You Wouldn't Bring Home to Mom with Courtney
Let's belatedly celebrate Mother's Day by talking about... murder! Teddy and Courtney capitalize on society's current obsession with violent death by ranking the top 6 murderers they wouldn't take home to Mommy. Topics include murder hotels, killers who are ladieeeez, and for some reason, the...
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Top 10 Things Future Generations Will Be Confused By with Jordan
Future Week concludes with this dystopic and delightful glimpse seventy years hence, as Teddy and his good friend Jordan attempt to predict which currently-normal facets of society our great-grandchildren will find baffling. Exciting debates include: Why would any child ever watch baseball? How...
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Top 7 Things We'd Like to See on the New iPhone with Jefferson Graham
It's *spooky alien noise* Future Week! In this ranking, Teddy speculates on the very near future with USA Today tech columnist Jefferson Graham, host of the acclaimed podcast Talking Tech. Teddy and Jeff look ahead to this September's likely launch of the new iPhone 8, and suggest some useful and...
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Top 5 Disney Remakes We'd Rather See with Emma
Somebody’s poisoned the watering hole! In recent years, Disney has been on a mi$$ion to remake seemingly all of their animated classics, and yet if Beauty and the Beast was any indication, most of these films are destined to be, well, poor and unfortunate. Luckily, Teddy and Emma have taken it…
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Top 8 Creative Mindhacks with Brian
What is a creative mindhack? Renowned mindhackologist -- and Teddy's brother-in-law -- Brian describes them as ways of expanding your consciousness (without the use of drugs). Join Teddy and Brian, a.k.a. "Count Curioso", as they rank their top eight cathartic and kooky mind-expanding techniques....
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Top 7 Unwritten Dating Rules (That You Should Break) with Molina
Unleash your inner CosmoGirl! Teddy is joined by close friend and Stanford d.school lecturer Andrew Molina to count down the top seven unwritten dating rules (that you should probably break). Topics include the importance of checking in with yourself (a.k.a. "pulling a Molina,") the fear…
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Top 7 #ResistanceReads with Kit
Teddy is joined by his sister Kit to rank their top seven #ResistanceReads -- the non-fiction books and novels that have become particularly resonant in this weird, wild age of Trump. Topics discussed include the scary hilarity of Russian reality TV, why Glenn Greenwald is surprisingly just like…
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Top 10 Mother-Son Duos of All Time with Cheri
As a way-too early Mother's Day gift, Teddy welcomes his mom Cheri onto the podcast to celebrate the top ten mother-son duos of all time. Topics covered include Marc Chagall's bizarre obsession with his mother's "rubbery legs," the highly controversial Barbra Streisand-Will Smith debate of 2009,...
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Top 10 Fictional Basketball Players with Jake
In honor of March Madness and the upcoming NBA playoffs, Teddy and his best friend/best man Jake count down the top ten fictional basketball players of all-time. Discussions include the "I score, you strip" trope in modern hoops cinema, LeBron's desperate, childlike need for attention, and the…
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Top 8 Annoying Things People do on Instagram with Courtney
Teddy welcomes on fiancée and fellow judger of social media behavior, Courtney, for a candid discussion of the top eight annoying things people do on Instagram. Topics include: the political urgency of the tiny finger hand movement, the Oedipal compulsion that many millennials have to post photos...
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Top 10 Debut Performances with Emma
To celebrate the premiere episode of New Rankings, Teddy welcomes little sister Emma on to debate the top ten debut performances across music, film, and life itself. Topics discussed include: Emma's newfound passion for pick-up artistry, the trouble with Graham crackers and little boys, and…
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About this show
Experts rank things. Teddy disagrees. Then he provides the real rankings. And who's the winner? Why it's you, the listener.
Hosted by
Teddy Steinkellner
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