PODCAST · leisure
No Rangers Allowed
by selectbutton dot net
Dungeons 'n Dragons, house ruled to death, as played by weird and weary videogame snobs. Starring a desertwalking Zoroastrian dwarf druid; a backwoods halfling elftaku, master of banjo, jaw harp and double flute; an emo cat-summoning death cleric; and a filthy, feral anarcho-syndicalist barbarian.A Selectbutton Gaiden podcast. Join us at www.selectbutton.netRadical show icon by art subgenius @BachelorSoft
Episodes
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Episode 43: Decolonizing the Literary Canon
The party learns from a kindly spidermother that the pixies have been horning their way into the wood, jacking up rents and driving out the legacy residents. Honeydew learns that magical root-ink cannot but produce pro-pixie propaganda from his pen. Delving into this tuber dungeon, our heroes vow...
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Episode 42: Dopethrone
Our heroes end banditry in the countryside using the traditional method, rousing debate about the working class! With the bandits redirected, the party attends to more pressing matters: learning sick spells, summoning even cooler cats, and getting insanely high. How high? Wake up in the forest...
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Episode 41: Level 12 Ruffians
Bernie and Honeydew creep on Aioli with their characteristic brand of subtlety. BJ and Ven set spears to face some suspiciously powerful highwaymen. Will our heroes reunite in time to defeat these foes in unison? Do our heroes ever do anything in unison actually?
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Episode 40: Mistified
The party is split in two, divided by a strange wall of mist that no one else seems to recognize. Honeydew and Bernie have a nice vacation with a dinosaur. BJ and Ven find Fatgris, open a door in the worst possible way, and prepare for battle with roofie bandits.
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Episode 39: The Girl From Empanada
Impositions from the outside world remind the bozos that they have a lot of jobs to do, and they spend some time figuring out the order they should do them. Imbued with new resolve, they march off to find Fatgris and the Azure Company only to immediately be split three ways on silly escapades....
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Episode 38: The Bozos Are Back In Town
The gang returns to literally sleepy Tumford only to face an infestation of g-g-g-g-ghosts! BJ is possessed and the only cure is Honeydew smashing him with a flaming Donghammer. Shrug considers historical diamond dust production. Bald Wendol is faithless towards his cabbages, and then makes a...
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Episode 37.5: Wield, Part 2
In the long-awaited return of Shrug's wield campaign, two lost souls wander around a tower while being manipulated by magical objects. Also the objects are alive and being played by the same people in real life. It's not as confusing as it sounds, I promise. Look forward to extreme beach…
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Episode 37: Good Vibes Administration
The gang's well-deserved victory lap. Mab the Pieromancer stays behind in now idyllic Chetverg, home to the triple race alliance. Magic items abound. Bartholomew imbibes the light of wisdom. The party prepares to return to home planet Digna. They don't know where they will be or how long it's…
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Episode 36: The Battle of Fort Chetverg
The... Barty Party? Yeah, we gotta work on that -- resolves elf/fish tensions, at both the vulgar and elite levels. Work is completed on an obscene siege float. Captain Cha delivers a rousing speech of comraderie and fraternity, throwing our heroes at a sea of robot elves and their twisted vegan...
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Episode 35: Tears In Rain
Boy, this episode seems short! you might say. And you'd be entirely right! I screwed up. I screwed up big! But the party didn't. They did great. They rubbed a cat on a beautiful man to save the soul of elvenkind.
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Episode 34: The Birdening
An evening bookended by birds. Three separate huge frickin' birds. In the middle, the party melts plastic materials to find magic items, we find out that the late Haesto was a mangaka, and shrug gets horny for Christopher Meloni. I guess also the gang frees an elf goddess and finds out a huge...
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Episode 33: Pearls Before Swine
The party founds an impromptu clan and picks gamertags in order to play a game with a guy who is definitely not Jokkmokk. The Official Office Space Roleplaying System turns out to be a subtle commentary on eco-gnomics and the basic injustice of wage slavery which is also necromancy. Bernie's full...
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Episode 32: Ladies Love Cool Ven
Anti-illusion haircuts are tough on an edge, so a quest for a whetstone leads our heroes into the kitchen of the skinking club, where BJ finally defeats his hangover with the aid of a magical spring. A harrowing encounter with a staircase leads to a not so harrowing encounter with a giant and not...
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Episode 31: Quis Mingit Ipsos Minges
An old friend delivers a passive-aggressive judgment upon the party's less than perfect ally retention rate. Honeydew handles his snake so expertly it'd make Moses blush. The gang goes down a reliquary K-hole and ends up teaching a hungry beast the meaning of explicit consent, but not before...
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Episode 30: Dungeons & Diners & Dragons & Dives
The party considers some bizarre physiologies, starting with a 90's starlet alzabo-Frankenstein and ending with Halfling cloacas. Eventually they stop goofing around and enter the mind palace, which turns out to be completely built out of elves. Allegedly this isn't a sex thing. BJ and Honeydew…
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Episode 29: Vitamin D Deficiency
We begin with some truly pointless nonsense, which can only be summarized as poop crimes. After the creation and discussion of some magical artifacts in preparation, the party finally begins its trek to the long-foreshadowed Tower. But the forest contains unforseen memory mysteries, and we…
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Episode 28: Into the Ryanverse
Old friends are reunited. The beginnings of a revolution have begun to coalesce in Fort Chetverg. But it is not without its costs, including a Korpseo and BJ face-tanking traps. Can a motet for three voices tip the balance? Also, fictional AND real life war crimes!
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Episode 27: Gentle Dick Sock
The party takes a well-deserved rest, but Bernie pisses the night away. In the morning, chores need doing: uncursing elves, talking to frustrated professor spirits, swimming in trash, you know the deal. Our heroes' travails leave them with due reward: an orb full of dragon cum?? (NO, it is NOT)
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Episode 26.5: Wield, Part 1
In this NoRA gaiden, the DM shoe is on the other foot as shrug runs tulpa and guest star Clint through a "one"(three)-shot of Wield, a game by John Wick (the legendary game designer, not the Keanu redeemed killer) about the sorcerous will that powers legendary magical artifacts. Graciously edited...
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Episode 26: Garden of Whedon
The party faces the Thanksgiving racist uncle conundrum: what to do when the doddering and talented old castle gardener is also 100% in the tank for pro-necromancer conspiracy theories? BJ deals with it the way we all wish we could, but before the party can take the post-turkey snooze they...
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Episode 25.5: Swords Without a Clue
A very special bonus episode of No Rangers Allowed. The gang is together! Like in the real life! We take the opportunity to play a one-shot of Swords Without Master, a wonderful system of narrative manipulation. Turns out we are all just as ridiculous face to face as we are on the internet.
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Episode 25: Icon of Sin
The party makes a moonroof to imbue their sweet rhymes with astronomical significance. There are some very bad plants, and some very good plants. The gang discovers a treasure trove, both literally and metaphorically, and encounters a brief history of perversion, as well as a longer history of…
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Episode 24: Oh, My Centaur
Peripheral contact with the dreaded Riddle Weasel is not enough to keep our party from their prey, and BJ from his bloody destiny. Bernie rolls triple sixes, proving that this is truly Satan's game. But it's not all fun and games; grim revenge casts a dark cloud over the party, one that threatens...
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Episode 23: Mission Incredulous
There is a disagreement regarding Ven's insecurities and the party's abuse of his naive trust. Only a sucking, slurping, whispering void of ASMR can rescue the party from this damning lack of esprit de corps. It ends in fire, as our disagreements tend to do. Due to technical difficulties, Miles...
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Episode 22: Hair Mettle
So there's technically plenty of adventure in this episode - adorable puzzle weasels, Irtian revelations, a dangerous reconnoiter into a bizarre town to organize a rescue mission, and even a brush with nobility - but, let's be honest, mostly it's about hair.
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Episode 21: Goatal Destruction
A brightly-colored group of decidedly non-rangerous disciples give the party pause. Ven and Honeydew argue over the sentinels' intentions, but the benefit of the doubt gives way to actual doubt, which belies the devotional structure of the little lake civilization. What follows is pure hircine...
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Episode 20: Curb Your Iconoclasm
The party has a TMNT (original live-action movie version) spiritual experience with the ghost of their friend(?) Gorm, but have no time to properly grieve before set upon by a pack of bandits and their mincing leader. When they part ways, the party is laser focused on the twin goals of Revenge…
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Episode 19: Unforseen Consequences
A CLIMAX. The party begins by solving Rivenesque puzzles to unlock interplanetary secrets. Irtya is even more than she has seemed, but before the party can understand the cosmological significance of these partial revelations, the Dragon in the Basement is unleashed. Our heroes fight both…
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Episode 18: Hasselhoof
The party begins to peel back the layers of the dark underbelly of the Egg. Valorous battle is entered: BJ uses filthy ninjitsu; Bernie employs, and immediately breaks, what she affectionately calls her Warbags; and Ven rends the darkness with a megachurch Cuisinart. Honeydew's claustrophobia...
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Episode 17: Elevator Action
A very manually-centric episode, involving little grabby hands, fishmittens, and alien Mars Reactor-esque power pedestals. The party falls under a hilarious curse, divers in its effect, but still finds time to discover ancient secrets about The Seed nee The Egg, as well as foment the piscine...
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Episode 16: Residue Processing
The gang's MIT degree really pays for itself. With the fish and shark people being drawn slowly into revolutionary fervor (and elf porn), our heroes uncover more sinister features of the Vittorik hemomancy facility, as well as an experimental hazardous environment armor. But they also find...
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Episode 15: The Three P's
Pies, prog, and Peruvian panpipes. A horse accidentally named Horse bromances BJ and reveals new secrets of Gorm's past. His dick is an open question. But nevermind: into the depths of Vittorik the party must descend. Mab still must be saved and the encroaching Nothing dispelled. And one halfling...
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Episode 14: Hiss Whedon
Mostly, we fight snakes. Envenomed and close to death, BJ becomes a rage monster. Honeydew, 4 levels and 14 episodes in, finally gets to Thunderwave. And our DM learns a little something about inspiration. Also, it turns out we're on the hematothurgical research island of a mad king but we…
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Episode 13: Sharky Shark and the Grunkle Bunch
In between theoretical discussions of binary planet cosmogeny, the party further learns that corrupted Elf Isle is really a pretty shit place. Despite some halfhearted efforts to keep watch, Mab, all innocence and light, is stolen away in the night. Now there is one question urgent above all...
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Episode 12: Striking Out
Though the importance of new revelations about the true nature of the Spooky Spike can't be overstated, the adventure takes another great leap forward as the gang, for the first time, venture as a unit beyond the warm comfort of Tumford. They find themselves in a mysterious and hostile alien…
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Episode 11: The Quick and the Querulous
Do you think there is life on the moon - and if there is life, is there love? After a truly stupendous amount of buildup, the gang hoots n hollers its way through shoving noble Bartholomew out of obscurity and into Tumford legend. No interference is brooked; no nos are taken for answers.…
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Episode 10: Schroedingore's King
"We're all going to die one day. May as well die a weird death." Our heroes spread out through the Market Festival and seriously get some shit done. Areas north, east, south and west are discussed, and a plan for striking out into the wider world is fully developed. We learn of the Old King,...
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Episode 09: Ice Man
The party learns the unnecessarily real rules to the revenants' ancient dice game, but Fatgris' plans for mathematical domination of the table are interrupted early by the characteristically loud arrival of our favorite conman. Tempers flare, and what begins as a noble attempt to defend Fatgris'...
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Episode 08: Hey Buddy, Wanna Huff a Beard?
Meet Fatgris. He controls lightning, he's depressed, and he loves to party. He's also something of a straightedge, which is a recipe for unpopularity in Gabbalusian Tumford, home of leaf merchants, spider juices and facial spores alike. With an elven Narnia portal lurking, God knows what…
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Episode 07: Fairly Ridiculous
Ven having been rescued from the grim clutches of death, our heroes return to the light and experience the cosmopolitan delights of the Tumford Millennial Faire. Leaf merchants are interrogated; sheriffs are elected; charlatans are karmically counter-swindled; hogs are beautified. Perhaps most...
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Episode 06: You Might Fight a Wight Tonight
Our heroes must rescue one of their number, the devout Ven Ryefort, from certain doom. The sands run through the hourglass as they attempt to discover the secrets of the barrow where he is trapped before he is seized by the stygian hand of death. Can they uncover the Irtyan conspiracy that lies…
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Episode 05: It's Been, One Week
The Heroes of Tumford dust themselves off from their gritty victory in the Barrows. Spirits are high, but not everyone in town is undamaged. Leads are chased, biographies are written and riveted mail is painstakingly handcrafted during the seven days of downtime. We end with a cliffhanger…
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Episode 04: That'll Do, Pig
The villagers have awoken from their adorable puppydog-induced slumber, but danger yet threatens. Ven fulfills his destiny with explosive panache. Honeydew fulfills his with a fair bit more porcine romance. Our heroes grieve, recoup, and bask in some well-deserved accolades, but the stormcloud of...
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Episode 03 - Cult Hit
Depths are plumbed. Tsathoggua is revealed, and is much more adorable than imagined. A reckoning with the town cult is inevitable. Can our heroes avoid slaughtering pretty much every named character they've encountered and depopulating the entire village?
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Episode 02: Old Tulpa's Book of Practical Cat Summoning
The gang meets Grinkelstink Grumpkin, hairfancier and writer of erotic undead fanfic, as well as expert in apocrypha, burgeoning social revolutionary, and all around good guy. All clues regarding our Tsathoggua problem lead to the Ravenlocks' ostentatious burial mound. Ven's feline fixation...
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Episode 01: Revenant Hoedown
In our inaugural episode, we prologue with our actual first session which recording was completely deleted due to gross incompetence. What follows is conversations: with a nice tea laundress, with a root vegetable-obsessed undead river sorceress, with a giant drug dealing spider grandma. We try…
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Dungeons 'n Dragons, house ruled to death, as played by weird and weary videogame snobs. Starring a desertwalking Zoroastrian dwarf druid; a backwoods halfling elftaku, master of banjo, jaw harp and double flute; an emo cat-summoning death cleric; and a filthy, feral anarcho-syndicalist barbarian.A Selectbutton Gaiden podcast. Join us at www.selectbutton.netRadical show icon by art subgenius @BachelorSoft
HOSTED BY
selectbutton dot net
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does No Rangers Allowed have?
No Rangers Allowed currently has 46 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is No Rangers Allowed about?
Dungeons 'n Dragons, house ruled to death, as played by weird and weary videogame snobs. Starring a desertwalking Zoroastrian dwarf druid; a backwoods halfling elftaku, master of banjo, jaw harp and double flute; an emo cat-summoning death cleric; and a filthy, feral anarcho-syndicalist barbarian.A...
How often does No Rangers Allowed release new episodes?
No Rangers Allowed has 46 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to No Rangers Allowed?
You can listen to No Rangers Allowed on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts No Rangers Allowed?
No Rangers Allowed is created and hosted by selectbutton dot net.
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