PODCAST · tv
Not for Children
by Bryan Kashon & Carolina Rios
The sweetest, nihilistic film-review, comedy, parenting, gameshow podcast you'll ever hear. Your hosts (Bryan Kashon and Carolina Rios) watch a kid's movie, talk about it, and try to ignore the fact that they won't ever get that time back.Join us every week, and reach us at [email protected]
Episodes
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Not for Children Ep. 42 - Date and Time of Your Bug Death
We welcome ourselves back to the fray with a not-so-creepy-crawly episode. Imagine you're a bug. Now, imagine yourself under the foot of a larger, more aggressive bug. Are they voiced by a Kevin who shall not be named? Looks like you're in trouble now! Join us this week as we explore 1998's "A...
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Not for Children Ep. 41 - Give Me My Egg, Ya Stupid Monkey
It's been a busy couple of weeks which means we rewarded ourselves with probably one of the grossest films of the early 2000s. It's not gross in a cringe way (unless you're Carolina). Rather, it's gross in the same way that a glass of somebody else's sweat would be gross: body/excretion humor...
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Not for Children Ep. 40.5 - Alas, the Universe Said No
Hey All! Sorry to say but no episode today and potentially this week. A family emergency struck without warning (as most emergencies do) so we had to pack our bags and head down to San Diego. I tried to talk Lina into bringing the equipment, but then I realized I was trying to convince myself so…
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Not for Children Ep. 40 - Oof... Right in the Crystal Ball
There's a point in this film where you're introduced to a distant relative who can only say "I put my hand inside a toilet," and that's the tone you need to confront and welcome. We've watched this before, so we've actually sacrificed twice as much time to this film. There's nothing we can do…
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Not for Children Ep. 39 - This Is All Your Fault, Chowder
If you're looking for a real spook then you have to listen until the very end where Bryan gets genuinely scared by his daughter because she's quiet and filled with terror. But on a real level what don't ghosts haunt? My DM's for one... Spooky come back I didn't mean what I said about the holy...
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Not for Children Ep. 38 - Nightbooks, Or: Another Story About the Power of Reading
Right up front, y'all: This one has major spoilers. To date this is probably the newest movie we've watched. Altogether we really enjoyed ourselves and it's really early in the morning right now so my brain is still too tired to come up with something clever. There is a naked, invisible cat in…
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Not for Children Ep. 37 - Spooky, Cousin-Based Emotional Trauma
We watched another fun one, gang. More fun than a bunch of capitalistic bears patronizing me and my hedonistic tendencies. Hopefully you are all in the spooky mood, because it's Spooktober and we're doing an absolute Autumnal vibe check. Join us as we shiver through 2003's "Scary Godmother:...
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Not for Children Ep. 36 - Care Bear Death Squad
Was trying to avoid the lateness of this episode but I think its inevitable. The Care Bears heard our diss track, came into our home, and locked us in a hell dimension until we understood the importance of having a true message hollowed out and bastardized by capitalism. Join us this week as we...
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Not for Children Ep. 35 - Oops! No Movie
Full frontal truth right here folks: we did not talk about a movie for the podcast. The movie watching day came and, with a collective breath of exhaustion, Carolina and Bryan said "oh god, no," and just said scrap it. They watched a movie, just not for the podcast. Join us this week as we…
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Not for Children Ep. 34 - You got Bear Tranquilizer in my Blue Hedgehog!
Milo and Carolina were sick this week, but Bryan was feeling good as hell. Mind you they weren't feeling particularly great after having watched two video game movies in two weeks, but the doctors said there's nothing they could do about that. Join us this week as we run through 2020's "Sonic the...
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Not for Children Ep. 33 - A Space Cat and His Robot
I'll cut to the quick: Bryan might have bronchitis so this episode is late. Just like last week. And this description is relatively bare bones, like the movie they watched. Join us this week as we cruise through 2016's "Ratchet and Clank: The Movie," discuss indentured foster kids and pit alien...
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Not for Children Ep. 32 - The Terror on Scooby's Face is Real
Normally I, the disembodied narrator voice of this podcast, would have something more to say. But the hosts of this show have been struck with separate illnesses. Hopefully Scooby and Shaggy's palpable horror didn't leave a ghoul in their ducts! Join us as we haunt through 1998's "Scooby Doo on...
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Not for Children Ep. 31 - Four Sisters Trying to Get One Ken Fired
You're Barbie: a young college student forced to take her three young sisters on a three-month trip over summer vacation. Your parents won't explain why, but you have to go to an island and try to get your childhood friend fired from his research job. Also here's four puppies. Don't let anyone…
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Not for Children Ep. 30 - Your Omnipotent, Houseless Neighbor
Were some things said under duress in this episode? Possibly. But that does not excuse the fact that I was pressured into a corner and when my fight or flight took over the adrenaline got confused and made me talk bad. You don't have to believe me because I'm right. Join us this week as we wash...
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Not for Children Ep. 29 - Siri: Overwrite Adam's Sense of Free Will
We found a movie that Carolina hates. Feel the warmth of her anger burn through the show. The laughter? Real and derisive. The application that allows you to override anyone who identifies as a man's sense of self? You betcha. Now all we need is a dance off between Zendaya and someone about to…
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Not for Children Ep. 28 - A Man Is Dead, Spidey
Wondering if stylized violence (and action) disqualify you from falling into the family film category? Think again! Some web slinging, a horse actor, and a little bit of manslaughter will help develop a wonderful base to your hero movie stew. Join us as we swing through 2002's "Spider-Man,"…
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Not for Children Ep. 27 - Chicken Dance Gladiator
With the help of an arrogant, haughty, petulant boy genius we are back on track. That fudge-haired know-it-all pulled us out of our time vortex and placed us right back on the time line. But uh-oh: I see a clone of myself and that definitely isn't good news. Join us this week as we think through...
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Not for Children Ep. 26 - Please, Sailor Moon, Not Again
Cher is the leader of Bobblehead High Council. She does not permit clemency. Carolina and I were too proud to sacrifice a tribute in the original episode 26, so our ruler right up and fucked the data. Just sent it down the toity. So that's why we're disheveled and bloodied. Join us this week as…
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Not for Children Ep. 25 - Move Over Tinkerbell, Pirates are Hot Now
On one hand the lateness of this episode was caused by an untimely eye infection that limited my screen time. On the other, it was a sign from the universe that talking about pirates in kid's movies will curse me with an eye patch one day. Thank you for your patience. I'll simply do away with the...
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Not for Children Ep. 24 - No Boy Scouts Allowed in Bobblehead High Council
The title says it all. Unless Cher makes a universal exception, then Bryan will never be allowed into Bobblehead High Council. Does this fill him with great sadness? Of course. Is he empowered knowing that the sociopath from the movie that Lina picked also won't get in? Of course. Life balances...
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Not for Children Ep. 23 - Mixed Nuts, Charlie Brown
Taking a cherished cartoon and bringing it back to life for current consumers can seem a little short-sighted. For one, you might just polish an already adequate story. Or, you might make two boys look like they have bug legs for hair. It's worth the risk, though, right? Join us this week as we...
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Not for Children Ep. 22 - Sacrificial Ducks for One Selfish Goose
Edited this episode on anxiety. Sat on our back porch with my laptop on a TV tray. 85°F. Apartment's lamps shining. I do not remember the last time I saw geese migrating. A duckling and its mother inhabit the pool at our apartment. This movie, like all others, gets stacked into the pile--put on…
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Not for Children Ep. 21 - The Soulless Eyes of a Pokémon Clone
While you and I might be nothing more than a composition of two different sets of genetic material we are at least born with a purpose: to figure out how to live. In today's lecture we'll discuss the differences between raising Pokémon from an egg and from a test tube, and the very real...
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Not for Children Ep. 20 - Kick Them Right in the Gorg
Finding a planet to escape to after you've desecrated your own can be a tricky business. Unless, that is, you've mastered the ways of space colonization and imperialism. Then, you can show it off to kids, and have them empathize with a heartless, soulless, foreign invader. Join us this week as we...
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Not for Children Ep. 19 - I Was Promised a Unicorn
I'll bite the bullet and be the first to admit that I liked this film, folks. I may be the disembodied voice of a podcast's whole vibe, but that doesn't mean I can't get behind some fantasy. Elves but technically fairies? We got 'em. The duality of magic? You betcha. Unicorns? Well, there was...
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Not for Children Ep. 18 - The Seven Pan Flutes of the Apocalypse
Bury your darlings with us this week, folks, because we're watching a Peter Pan prequel. We're seeing how every fictional character gets shoehorned into an origin story you're not sure you ever wanted to see. Join us this week as we fly through 2015's "Pan," just absolutely commiserate with...
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Not for Children Ep. 17 - An Easter Film About a Rabbit Coup, for Once
Nobody gives a hoot about Easter because it's always about Jesus, you know? But we're here to ask, where's the money? Where's the corporate consumption? Where is my ability to see a CGI rabbit mess around with beautiful, dreamy James Marsden? Where's the respite from Big Jesus' attempts to…
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Not for Children Ep. 16 - Mommy, Where do Meta Babies Come From?
Somewhere on this earth, where the mountains grasp at the heaven's, and its sedimentary base sits older than the idea of life itself, is the Castle Stork. Inside, covered in dust and dehydrated placenta is the baby making machine. And it's not from a 70s porno. Join us this week at we fly through...
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Not for Children Ep. 15 - The Power of Necromantic Book Magic
Come with me, and you'll see, this dead librarian's soul trapped in eternal, digital enslavement. Take a look, and you'll see, the power of literary necromancy. We'll begin by being accomplices to a robbery. Join us this week as we read (watch) through 2017's "Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's…
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Not for Children Ep. 14 - Thank God, the He-Man, Woman Haters' Club Finally Burnt Down
Get ready to kill your darlings this week because we're taking a classic and smooshing it up real small like the soft part of the bread. And that bread ball? We're gonna eat it for content. Join us this week as we cavort through 1994's "The Little Rascals," take another beloved film and turn it…
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Not for Children Ep. 13 - The Gray's Killed my Father (Accidentally)
Space is an infinite cosmos but you can bet your sweep bippy that, somewhere out there, something as close to Brendan Fraser as we know exists, and they hate their brother. But that's ok, because after you see them frozen to life-death, you'll just have to love them! Explore the cosmos with us…
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Not for Children Ep. 12 - Marshmallow Revivification Magic
Right off the bat I'm gonna take the L and say that Carolina actually deserves to win Bobblehead High Council this week. Does a man made of marshmallow using their flesh to bring someone back to life secure the win? No. Does her absolute love for this mushy man outweigh Bryan's bitter clinging to…
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Not for Children Ep. 11 - Rat vs. Cardinal - There Will be Blood
If you commodified your life into a collection of moments, would you cut them up into tiny pieces so you could have more? What if that ruined the integrity of said moments? Would you be pleased with the outcome? Let us explore that question with you. Join us this week as we scurry through 2013's...
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Not for Children Ep. 10 - Faked my Death to Avoid the Haters
Feel the cool, ocean breeze blow across the nape of your neck as your down feathers shed in the heavenly glow of a tropical island. Congratulations! You've won an all expense paid trip to the isle of Pengu where there's no bathrooms, rampant colonialism, and a shrine to a fake dead bird. Join us...
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Not for Children Ep. 9 - Miss Piggy's Lucid, Synchronized Swimming Fugue State
Listen folks, sometimes in the vast desert that is family friendly films you need to create your own oasis. Does that mean you look to the Henson company and their cast of colorful characters? Of course. Does that mean you also explore the interspecies relationship between amphibians and mammals?...
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Not for Children Ep. 8 - It's Not Even About the Dolphin!
Somewhere off the capes of Florida a dolphin remembers the humans it saved branding it with a cruel nickname based on the injury it sustained from its heroic injuries. But who cares about that? Those dolphs in the background are doing sick flips! Join us this week as we dive into 2018's "Bernie…
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Not for Children Ep. 7 - The Rat Is Definitely the Top
This one is late because Bryan's right eye decided to get infected. I'm not saying the film helped cure him, but rather motivated him to fix his eye before this was the last movie it saw. Join us this week as we watch the English dub of 2015's "The Underdogs," cement our position on the subs vs....
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Not for Children Ep. 6 - Please, Robot Dog is my Father's Name
Family films focus very strongly on immortality and the various paths you can take to get you there. One example is when you learn you're the ever-charged, digital rebirth of a Florida attic heat stroke death and that love is a feeling, not an action, and the difference is a razor's edge. At…
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Not for Children Ep. 5 - Just a Monster Protagonist Baby Tube
Sometimes your body goes through changes when you're delicately kissing a frog and that's alright. It's normal. We here at Not for Children realize that, sometimes, the hardest thing in life is acceptance. Which is why you should run away from your dad to explore a mythical island shrouded in...
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Not for Children Ep. 4 - They Definitely Got Cher First
If you only take our advice once, now might be the time: do not watch this movie. Sure it'll fill the void with some interesting animation choices, and you'll get to be blown away learning that Brenda Song is slowly carving her way back into entertainment. But Lina got motion sickness watching...
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Not for Children Ep. 3 - Make them Orphans!
Unicorns: real, fake, or simply a metaphor for Christ? Join us this week on Not for Children as we watch the glittery new film "Wish Upon a Unicorn" and discuss the curse of eternal life, sketchy arms of production companies, and taking the leap to full orphan. Remember: we watch children's films...
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Not for Children Ep. 2 - Pirates Pretending to be Girl Scouts
Ever wondered how Queen Victoria with katanas would make you feel as you ponder the moral weight of selling your family member for a boat load of gold? Then look no further than this week's episode of Not for Children as we soak up the salty 2012 tale of "The Pirates: Band of Misfits." As always…
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Not for Children Ep. 1 - There's a Vampire Octopus in this One
Look we know some of you don't have children, and that's ok. But we're here to talk to you about the movies we watch with our kid, and how we don't get that time back after they're over. Join us this week on our 1:30am deep dive "Deep," or, a story about the shittiest octopus grandson you've ever...
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
The sweetest, nihilistic film-review, comedy, parenting, gameshow podcast you'll ever hear. Your hosts (Bryan Kashon and Carolina Rios) watch a kid's movie, talk about it, and try to ignore the fact that they won't ever get that time back.Join us every week, and reach us at [email protected]
HOSTED BY
Bryan Kashon & Carolina Rios
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Not for Children have?
Not for Children currently has 43 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Not for Children about?
The sweetest, nihilistic film-review, comedy, parenting, gameshow podcast you'll ever hear. Your hosts (Bryan Kashon and Carolina Rios) watch a kid's movie, talk about it, and try to ignore the fact that they won't ever get that time back.Join us every week, and reach us at...
How often does Not for Children release new episodes?
Not for Children has 43 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to Not for Children?
You can listen to Not for Children on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Not for Children?
Not for Children is created and hosted by Bryan Kashon & Carolina Rios.
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