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The boss man is smoking doobies on the roof...but I think i'm keep my mouth shut yanno, for business purposes

Yea dude I hate to break it to you but my train seat isn't really the place to be cutting your toenails...good on you for caring about hygene though

At this point I think we need to accept that the government just has a weird obsession with trying to optimize birds to do their work for them? Why have a human with a machine gun when we could just train a chicken to do it??

Watering your neighbour's lawn? Welp...I hope you enjoy rotting in a cell for the rest of your life

"Yea dude so she booty called me! Thank God I dodged that one!!""But you're hardly friends with her""I know dude! Wow...what a relief""..."

Oh yea being a concert photographer for Travis Scott was cool...right before I became paralyzed during a moshpit

Hey man do you have any tissues? Yea of course man there a bunch in the trash I just used but their still good!:-|

yea I can't say we are rallying behind our boss at the office...we went out for drinks and watched him get curved by a waitress so not exactly a role model...

Yea sorry guys...I didn't mention this before the hangout but I'm not super into beating up random strangers as a prank so...heh...I'll have to skip out this time

At this point i'm going to have to accept defeat and secede power to the last tiny bit of juice left in the container...it has won

Unfortunately the TV dinner burps in my face weren't really "doing it" for me so yea i'm going to have to pass

Ummm so are you going to take our order or is this a staring contest? Oh nevermind I can see I just interrupted your doomscrolling my bad

I hate to break it to you but your "connection with animals" isn't really making me want to say yes to your arctic trip to meet polar bears and get them to stop eating people...

Wow you look exactly like my wife...who sadly passed away...but we should totally go out some time. I mean you kind of have to lol

Yeaaa so I hate to break it to you after you already bought those tickets to hawaii but I cannot surf...I just wanted to seem cool and give off surfer dude vibes..heh

Hiiiii honey so I posted to the local neighbourhood facebook groupchat about your erectile dysfunction and good news is that our neighbor would LOVE to chat with you about it!! Hope this helpssss love uuuuuu

So you're telling me if I buy your premium course there will be even more information in there, rather than the elite course that will make me a millionaire? SIGN ME UP!!!

I'm sorry man...I know she's pretty but her shoes had just a little too much green on them...like okay, yea we got a GRINCH LOVER HERE!! NO WAY!

Yea it doesn't count to be famous if you're going around asking people if they know you're famous...you still work at the drive through and I'd like my blizzard

So it turns out you can get a job by just walking in one day, sitting down at an empty desk and just pretending to work...cuz nobody is working there anyways...

Sorry guys my files got corrupted and I didnt have a backup for this weeks episode :(

Yea it turns out if you drive drunk in front of, well I don't know....WITNESSES...YOU WILL GET CAUGHT

I hate to break it to you Mike but everyone definitely remembers you stripping down to your tighty whiteys at the karaoke bar...on the bright side at least you won't have to work here anymore after your meeting with the boss!

No dude trust the more I watch this guy play blackjack online the higher my odds are of winning!!! You wouldn’t know because you don’t have any hobbies where you actually learn something and earn your way in life 

Hey man I’m new on the job so any work you do just let me take credit and we’ll get along just great! Also I forgot to flush the toilet so could you go ahead and do that for me? 

Don’t rock the boat by putting your elbows on the table?? Well sorry but we are about to experience a tsunami cause comfort MATTERS!

If anybody sees me driving this Prius I may have disappear forever…also do you think I’ll get a lot of likes on this ab pic for my IG??

A restaurant?? Alone? By yourself?? What do you like good food or something you LOSER?! 

Hey son, I love you…but did you ever think about my life and your life by extension are worthless if you don’t play the same sports as I did in high school? Good talk. 

Birds migrating at night? What do you think I’m that stupid?? Everyone knows birds can’t fly at night so those obviously bats. Really big ones though. With beaks. Huh. See new things every day I guess….

Okay hear me out…I know this deserted island has food and water and all the things we need to survive for a while…but I think we should take our chances in the middle of the Pacific

Hey babe, we needed more drama this year so I told everyone you cheated on me but I forgave you...❤️

Not only have I lost my keys...but I lost my bowl that I'm supposed to keep my keys is...and everything else in my apartment. Yanno I may have just gotten robbed

Well it turns out Australia is the scariest country in the world…and chickens aren’t pregnant when they lay eggs...

Being healthy? Living longer? No disease or pain? Sorry that’s going to be one billion dollars…ooof sorry 👉👈🤪

I mean I’ve been sticking carrots directly in my eyes for years but as it turns out it always comes back to Big Carrot trying to push their agenda 😒

No questions asked but I really need you to help me put in Rhinosaurus into this guy's car...trust me it's for the greater good of society and because I want to

No trust me bro *insert any streamer* knows a lot about crypto!! You'd be absolutely stupid not to invest!! I literally mortgaged my house because they told me it was a LOCK!!

Well sorry officer I personally believe it’s my god given right to walk around with this double bubble ice cream in my pocket…if you want it you’re gonna have to lick it off me yourself!

"I've asked you out like 12 times...so is this time a yes??" "And no princesses aren't allowed to have drivers licenses...or cars...or anything really...but it's because I'm a KING!"

Unfortunately Superman physics don't actually work and we cant build a "time machine" by "spinning the globe backwards" but I appreciate the enthusiasm :)

Smiling to yourself alone isn't going to start your journey into becoming the Joker...unless you're like me and starting talking to yourself and eventually scheming and plotting 😈

Not every man will speak with his words…sometimes its with his clothing, like not wearing any around the house…cuz damn its gettin hot down there 🥵

Get off my back mom and dad! Weed is a great investment!! Well…an investment in my sanity! How am I supposed to put a job application together when you’re stressing me outtttt…its literally my 45th birthday 

Yeaaa so turns out sleeping with my friends boyfriend isn’t going to ‘strengthen our relationship’ like I thought it would….oops! Also we have a date tomorrow so if you could not be in your house the would be great!

Yea I actually don't bathe because its such a waste of water and resources...I also don't wash my clothes either because duuuuh waste of water AGAIN!!

Yea actually company policy says I'm actually allowed to care for my children so sorry that doesn't fit into your schedule :( I filed complaint on your behalf to HR tho!

Yeaa so who would’ve thought it wasn’t a good idea to control a submarine with a PS5 controller…also didn’t think id have to tell you but please don’t take that nuclear waste home with you :)

I know you think I'm doing drugs, but even if you shoot that directly into your veins you'll realize it's dust from a T-Rex fossil...also I will be cleaning my own towels now.

I’m not supposed to tell anyone but Iron Man is a true story…based on my dad…he said he will disintegrate bullies for me…also don’t eat in bed or ants are going to live in your ears and nest in your brain :) luv u