Episodes
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328 - Steel Magnolias
“Joke’s on you, Ouiser. I’ll eat this armadillo ass all day!” This week’s most romantic movie is... Steel Magnolias. This film has everything: baby Jesuses separated at birth, Confederate wedding crashers, And cake with a side of Paul or McClanahan. If you love church with a blowout, Darth Vader...
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327 - The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
“This movie is a drag show. There’s even a wig snatch in it.” This week’s most romantic movie is... The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. This film has everything: An extraterrestrial booty call, a Celebrity Jeopardy! sheriff, And a supposedly closed brothel with lawn choreography. If you love...
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326 - 9 to 5
"Have you ever threatened to shoot your boss's penis off?" This week’s most romantic movie is... 9 to 5. This film has everything: misdemeanor corpse debates, Token Debbie's, And garage-door air jail. If you love Xerox husband weaving, corporate snitch travel programs, and falsie-powered...
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325 - Only You
“You cannot tell if someone is fuckable just by elbow pads.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Only You. This film has everything: bat-prescribed Pixy Stix diets, transatlantic gondola voyages, And Billy Zane head-shape science. If you love Ouija board phone directories, poker-night sandwich...
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324 - Elvira: Mistress of the Dark
“We all fucked each other and now it's weird.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. This film has everything: infant smoky-eye glam, municipal ordinance heists, And Florence Pugh parking-garage fanfiction. If you love garbage-disposal courtship rituals, crab-issued...
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323 - Once Bitten
“We fed it buttons until it shit a suit.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Once Bitten. This film has everything: A toothy debriefing, first-class Red Vines, And LaCroix-dusted vampires. If you love chandelier-store lion walks, presidential pardons for Free Lance, and wicker-husband splinter...
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322 - The Witches of Eastwick
“I don't know if she can actually play cello, but I do believe she had sex with it.” This week’s most romantic movie is... The Witches of Eastwick. This film has everything: giant-dick OSHA protocols, Scooby-Doo fertility instincts, And splash-zone sermons. If you love wardrobe-dependent music...
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321 - Mrs. Winterbourne
“My mother's maiden name is LeBaron, and when my friend found that out, he called me Chrysler for three years.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Mrs. Winterbourne. This film has everything: stallion-mouth self-help, Shredder-style childbirth, And Catholic tits-and-ass rulings. If you love...
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320 - The Rocketeer
“He can't have a dick made of magic and money.” This week’s most romantic movie is... The Rocketeer. This film has everything: Handsaw helmet engineering, jetpack chicken nuggets, And Timothy Dolphin sponsorship drives. If you love dog-shaped airstrip diners, accidental aviation hyperfixations…
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319 - Rock-a-Doodle
“If you think teeth are bad on nursing, try a beak.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Rock a Doodle. This film has everything: Lisa Frank vomit spells, TARDIS rooster helicopters, And gay-owl organ recitals. If you love no-birds penguin dress codes, Left Shark starfish Snuggies, and...
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318 - Labyrinth
"What's Bowie gonna do with that baby" This week's most romantic movie is... Labyrinth. This film has everything: environmental fart math, size-magic pharmaceuticals, And arboreal revenge sequels. If you love Goblin Parliament marketing plans, truckstop sex-worker wigs, and M.C. Escher slander,...
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317 - Sing Street
"Your crucifixion maxing, bro.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Sing Street. This film has everything: celestial class warfare, postmortem party planning, And vampire foreshadowing. If you love Canadian-model alibis, Morrissey-loving gangsters, and tech-bro yacht etiquette, this episode’s…
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316 - Legend
“I guess I'll just die then” This week’s most romantic movie is... Legend. This film has everything: combustible studios, darkness wrecking balls, And hoop-ready couture. If you love fish-based marriage loopholes, AOL goblin poetry, and federal-prison Letterboxd, this episode’s for you! Please...
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315 - Something Wild
“This man is not analog. He's rich.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Something Wild. This film has everything: mandatory funeral serenades, lethally sexy sharks, And liquor-store pipe wisdom. If you love Christmas-in-June, Diet Coke performance reviews, and horribly misquoted Bible studies,...
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314 - Sense and Sensibility
“I could make it 100% better in just four words: Directed by Baz Luhrmann.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Sense and Sensibility. This film has everything: front diapers, Terrorist heartbreakers, And tears for the landed gentry. If you love Fanny wordplay, wedding cakes on stilts, and are...
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313 - Letters to Juliet
“I’d recognize that dick print a mile away.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Letters to Juliet. This film has everything: conveniently widowed vineyard owners, WW2 era celebratory sex pests, And a Spartacus-sized Lorenzo census. If you love hostile truffle games, newsroom understudies, and...
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312 - You, Me & Tuscany
“The first act of this movie is not a rom-com. It’s the perfect crime.” This week’s most romantic movie is... You, Me & Tuscany. This film has everything: Victorian raccoon crime syndicates, open-ended Tuscany tickets, And Matrix-glitch rock gardens. If you love Criss Angel sandwich wrapping,...
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311 - Love in the Villa
“Did you just take Barbarian and control-all ‘murder’ to put in ‘kissing’?” This week’s most romantic movie is... Love in the Villa. This film has everything: cheese trafficking, an modest sangria empire, And TripAdvisor instead of screenwriters. If you love orphanage luggage deliveries,...
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310 - Under the Tuscan Sun
“Pasta is the warmest color.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Under the Tuscan Sun. This film has everything: literal duckface, mean compliments, And way too much writer self-love. If you love Tuscan Raiders, never-ending breadstick diplomacy, and romantic Barbarian energy, this episode's…
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309 - Roman Holiday
“She is a clown blazer away from just a full ass clown suit.” This week's most romantic movie is... Roman Holiday. This film has everything: emergency bangs consultations, comically long paper money, And a first kiss so disgusting, it's guaranteed to give you Giardia. If you love Italy tourism...
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308 - RENT
“Good food made by great people who made bad decisions.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Rent. This film has everything: Window Pains, Killer songs, And Cows on the right side of history. If you love narc documentaries, Law and Order math, and TMNT grief counseling, this episode’s for you!...
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307 - Dicks The Musical
“I’ll shoot it, Paige. It’s my Roomba.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Dicks the Musical, featuring special guest Danielle Perez. This film has everything: Homemade sand, Hand-job methphors, And Fire Island DJ cosplaying as god. If you love the sewer-boys, medically horny twins, and Uber...
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306 - Kissing Jessica Stein
“What is the outside of a cheese stick if not a cheese condom?” This week’s most romantic movie is... Kissing Jessica Stein. This film has everything: equine flatulence, attendee hecklers, And knowing when to walk away from Hot Cross Buns-level art. If you love lavender marriage math, twin-bed...
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305 - Brokeback Mountain
“I think Ang Lee has some sort of tear fetish." This week’s most romantic movie is... Brokeback Mountain. This film has everything: Alma the Elder, rodeo-clown rejection, And Thanksgiving turkey chainsaws. If you love crying through cowboy hats, sheep-based emotional support, and store-wrapped...
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304 - Troy
“It was wild to me that when they get there, they didn’t try the 'Helen Who' defense.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Troy. This film has everything: Cutting edge fighting techniques, Roasting neighborhood children, And using a papyrus scroll to call in sick to war. If you wish you could...
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303 - Lady Chatterley's Lover
“Please, sir, can I have some less?” This week's most romantic movie is... Lady Chatterley's Lover. This film has everything: Gushed-up getaways, God-approved marriage counseling, And historically accurate parachute panties. If you love 50 Shades of Hay, horny gamekeepers, and class-war...
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302 - The Count of Monte Cristo
“Satan has a summer home in his voice box.” This week's most romantic movie is... The Count of Monte Cristo. This film has everything: Terrible sense of directions, Montel-style paternity reveals, And landlocked sea-leg maintenance. If you love Spirit Halloween, goatee-level disguises, and the...
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301 - Pride and Prejudice
“Foiled again by our own made up rules.” This week's most romantic movie is... Pride and Prejudice. This film has everything: Darcy’s opinion kink, historically accurate boredom, And more compliments that a potato is due. If you love only-hands thirst traps, laundry zip lines, and pig-testicle...
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300 - Titanic
“Is it like a hubris Bermuda Triangle over there?” This week's most romantic movie is... Titanic. This film has everything: Nudes leaked by the news, Ghost Math, And makeout-based maritime disasters. If you love synthesizer church, God’s cocktail, and walking-pasta immigration stories, this...
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299 - Basic Instinct
“Everyone went to Berkeley.” This week's most romantic movie is... Basic Instinct. This film has everything: way too much DNA, murder-for-profit royalties, And the interrogation full-frontal we deserved. If you love coked-out dance floor jealousy, wildly unethical psychiatrist hookups, and…
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298 - Eyes Wide Shut
“Every cafe he walks into looks like it’s about to have a poetry slam.” This week's most romantic movie is... Eyes Wide Shut. This film has everything: wallet-sized stethoscopes, human furniture sex logistics, And an appropriately sized dance partner. If you love fake New York poetry-slam cafes,...
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297 - The Housemaid
“You better keep that pulp away.” This week’s most romantic movie is... The Housemaid. This film has everything: Plate guys, Dalmatian coats, And the most evil “I know” in movie history. If you love John Wick housemaid franchises, juice-is-a-privilege children, and sandwich breaks in the middle…
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296 - Indecent Proposal
“I felt like I was sitting in a lecture that was being given by Elon Musk.” This week's most romantic movie is... Indecent Proposal. This film has everything: gumball machines filled with caviar, shoes being kicked across the room, And a plot Natalie Wood would not be ok with. If you love...
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295 - Crossroads
“I’m like, 100% sure that’s the exact same excuse R. Kelly used. It didn’t work for him either.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Crossroads. This film has everything: Se7en-coded time capsules, menswear-coded lingerie, And aggressively notarized virgin consent. If you love Waffle House band...
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294 - Drive Me Crazy
“Hey, will you stop reading the stage directions and start reading your lines, please?” This week’s most romantic movie is... Drive Me Crazy. This film has everything: collision-based sexual awakenings, a WB-grade Entourage origin story, And hot-air-balloon deadbeat dads. If you love whiteboard...
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293 - Wild Things
“Is this what it was like to be Matt Dillon in the 90s" This week’s most romantic movie is... Wild Things. This film has everything: Versailles beach heels, an IQ score that makes Einstein look stupid, and bush-cam detective work. If you love rich-kid swamp noir, courtroom rug-pulls, and Kevin...
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292 - Romeo Must Die
“He just is at hardware store like Christian Gray buying all the zip ties.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Romeo Must Die. This film has everything: a heroine with factory-installed GPS, an hero stealing every car he can, And Bay Area Troubles cosplay. If you love deeds-nuts real estate...
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291 - Love Jones
“I can't incorporate the word pop into this press release.” This week's most romantic movie is... Love Jones. This film has everything: unexpected Philly Fanatic thirst, Chuck E. Cheese token-wealth flexes, And weaponized Toasted Oat drama. If you love record-store “just give me her info”…
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290 - Jumping the Broom
“They can't have sex until they get married. God said so.” This week’s most romantic movie is... Jumping the Broom. This film has everything: inappropriate touching, Saxophone mishaps, And a chef that is cookin up some magic. If you love Martha’s Vineyard class warfare, family secrets dropping...
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289 - Poetic Justice
“It would be like standing right next to Gallagher as he smashes a watermelon” This week’s most romantic movie is... Poetic Justice. This film has everything: a possible Italian sandwich, passing out in Waffle Houses, And a risky Yelp review reviews. If you love road trip poetry, Maya Angelou...
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288 - Deliver Us from Eva
"Any way you slice that, that's the most interesting funeral you've ever been to." This week’s most romantic movie is... Deliver Us From Eva. This film has everything: A Mayor involved in a pending sex scandal, a $5,000 house, And a plan that would straight up get you thrown in federal prison. If...
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287 - Howard the Duck
"Paige made us look at duck titties" This week’s most romantic movie is... Howard the Duck. This film has everything: Tiny used condoms, illegal jacuzzis you can rent by the hour, And a horrific truth about ducks that are "Tops". If you love Cajun sushi diners, Quack Fu mugging lessons, and a...
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286 - The Mask
"The Mask is sexy Animaniacs." This week’s most romantic movie is... The Mask. This film has everything: a live action Pepe Le Pew, pants pockets filled with gags, And the dumbest version of the Hulk you'll ever see. If you love green zoot-suits, balloon-animal's crossing the rainbow bridge, and...
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285 - Robin Hood: Men in Tights
"May I Keep It" This week's most romantic movie is... Robin Hood: Men in Tights. This film has everything: a cell block maitre d. Dummies built for battle. And Dave back when he was really funny. If you love velcro beards, soup-can helmets, and red-carpet rollup mid-brawl, this episode's for you!...
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284 - Mannequin: On the Move
"Like a church dance at a laser quest." This week's most romantic movie is... Mannequin: On the Move. This film has everything: Sunglasses Scissors, Mole's with a rat tail, and an overly flirtatious Blue Knight. If you love sitcom-length plots, where-the-butt-starts debates, and GDP measured in...
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283 - When Harry Met Sally
"She put her hands in God's mouth." This week's most romantic movie is... When Harry Met Sally. This film has everything: Wagon wheel coffee tables, a surprise Christmas grovel, and a first kiss that was as weak as a LaCroix. If you love pastrami priorities, Chris Bridge's dating rules, and...
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282 - Spirited
"Holy shit, is this Christmas Carol, John Wick?" This week’s most romantic movie is... Spirited. This movie has everything: Monthly Showers, Dolly getting Dickens'ed down, And the worst Tattoo ideas you ever hear come out of Tampa. If you love afterlife office politics, musical numbers that...
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281 - Wicked: For Good
"I hope she's got a lot of lotion or another sex cardigan." This week's most romantic movie is... Wicked: For Good. This film has everything: Technicolor Arrakis, the third worst pizza Paige has ever laid eyes on, and lifting a possible lover 20 feet off the ground... because of the implication.…
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280 - Wicked
“Bitch, I am the Wizard” This week’s most romantic movie is… Wicked. This film has everything: A flying squirrel playing drums, A master in chaos theory doing shitty slight of hand, And a Orgy when you least expect it. If you love erotically serious line readings, talking horses, and…
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279 - Die Hard
“The sexiest thing a man can wear is a properly fitting apology.” This week’s most romantic movie is… Die Hard. This film has everything: The world’s scariest airport, Graceful high kicks, And a man standing in front of his wife asking her to duck already. If you love film-school flexes,...