Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean. For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering method that’s meant to spare your loved ones the trouble of sorting through your shit after you’ve dropped the mic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Come in,” she goes.This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head – just so you have a plan in case something goes wrong – but this is beyond my, literally, worst nightmares. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m like, “A what?” And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.” I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight out that he was Hertz Car Rental even thinking about going there again. But he asked her to marry him irregordless and then, in the first flush of their rediscovered love, she asked him – “tell me honestly, I won’t be angry” – what his friends thought of them getting hitched again and the dude snitched on me like a parrot with a megaphone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or restaurant, he tells me whether it’s a real business or a money-laundering front. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs, Honor.”Honor’s there, “Not this again,” and she’s right because her old is like a dog with a chew toy.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says I can’t wear those.And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Put a pair of actual shoes on.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times, which Honor has helped pull together for him. “Listen to this one! Dear Madam. Whilst sorting through the vegetable tower in the kitchen the other morning, I discovered an oval-shaped tuber with a pale yellow flesh. Is this a record?”No one laughs – except him, of course? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Funderland to the northside. We’re talking Ida and Clem from the campaign to stop the Luas from coming to Foxrock. We’re talking Lucy and Aednat from the campaign to stop poor people being allowed into the National Gallery. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m like, “Bray?”And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses.... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.