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Send us Fan MailTherapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from the unseen, from the invisible, into the conscious, into the seen, into the visible. That which you cannot seen, you have no hope of changing. Change begins when you can see some things. Therefore, it is useful to understand that Therapy with The Kairos Centre involves working with the unconscious, the unseen, the invisible.Here are the 3 Stages that is involved in every 50 minutes Therapy session - called The Egan 3 Stages:STAGE 1: EXPLORING - which is what takes place during each Therapy session, as we jump into the sand pit together in a curiosity way (not criticism), in order to see what we can find and move it into the consciousness, into the seen, into the visible. STAGE 2: REFLECTING (in order to gain INSIGHT & UNDERSTANDING) - This stage belongs entirely to you. It is all about what you do with the matters which we explored together in the session, so that you chew on them, you think about them, you reflect on them outside of the session. Since, as you do so, you gain insight and greater understanding. You use a highlighter pen to make issues visible. They can never be invisible again, even if you do not move to stage 3. You can now see some things that belong to you - based upon what we explored in stage 1.STAGE 3: ACTION/CHANGE - based upon the new insights & understanding gained, the question in front of you is - 'What ACTION/CHANGE do you what to set about implementing (or not)'. The choice belongs entirely to you and once made, The Kairos Centre continues to be alongside you to help you with the change process which you have decided upon. (You are not alone).Another useful tool to help you recognise blind spots, is 'Johari's window'. Here is a Youtube link with an explanation about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rlCgy6i88Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family 

Send us Fan MailThe Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change.Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'.Can you identify with anything in this poem?The world’s finest Apple  A poem by Julian R. Smith"You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people You can be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent - and offer yourself to all. But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples.  You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple, and someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana. But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana you will be a second-rate banana. But you can always be the finest apple.  You must also realise that if you choose to be a second-rate banana. There will be people who do not like bananas. Furthermore, You can spend your life trying to become the best banana - which is impossible if you are an apple - or you can seek again to be the finest apple".What is clear is that somewhere in the past, something happened - usually in the childhood development period. You now find yourself trying to please people - to fit in and be accepted. You try to present a version of you to the people in the 'system' you are currently interacting in, in order to be accepted.If that means changing from being an Apple, to a Banana, then so be it. Being accepted in that grouping is the most important factor. Therefore you constantly metamorphorise in order to please and be accepted.The problem: You never identified and evolved into being the real authentic you or you lost the real authentic you.So - 'standup the real authentic you' - becomes futile because the real authentic you is not known. 'Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all' - will get the response - 'Well it's all those others, isn't it!'The Russian doll image best illustrates the protected Inner child deep inside the layers - being protected from the hostile world.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building, Marriage counselling,Marriage help,Marriage therapy,Couples counselling,Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,

Send us Fan MailIn this episode, let's say it all in poetry.My Brain And Heart Divorced – John RoedelMy brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each othernow my head and heart share custody of meI stay with my brain during the weekand my heart gets me on weekendsthey never speak to one another– instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every weekand their notes they send to one another always says the same thing:“This is all your fault”on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me downin the pastand on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the futurethey blame each other for the state of my lifethere’s been a lot of yelling – and crying so,lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gutwho serves as my unofficial therapistmost nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcageand slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chairthat’s always open for me~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes uplast evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my headI noddedI said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore“my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterdaywhile my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,”I lamentedmy gut squeezed my hand“I just can’t live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,”I sighedmy gut smiled and said:“in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while,”I was confused– the look on my face gave it away“if you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain futureyour lungs are the perfect place for youthere is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there eitherthere is only nowthere is only inhalethere is only exhalethere is only this momentthere is only breathand in that breath you can rest while your heart and head worktheir relationship out.”this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leavesand while my heart was staringat old photographs I packed a little bag and walked to the door ofmy lungsbefore I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and asa gust of air embraced me she said“what took you so long?”~ John Roedel -----"It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton.-----"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." — G.K. Chesterton-----"It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton-----"Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer-----“It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arrangedThe only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it....” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communica

Send us Fan MailMany people think that pornography consumption is harmless. Therefore, a bit of porn from type to time is healthy and indeed, beneficial - isn't? It just spices things up and adds novelty. You can become addicted from such infrequent use?That isn't what a little bit of 'porn now and then' - during Covid-19 lock down, has proven. Porn viewing and porn addiction went up exponentially during lock down. The problem is that porn is not about porn; sex is not about sex; love addiction is not about finding love. The behaviours activate the reward centres; the feel good emotions; escape (for a moment) from life stuff. The brain likes the sensations. Registers them and the next time you want to feel good or escape life's stuff, the brain will remind you how you did it the last time.Some will succumb. Some will not. re you sure you will not?MRI Scans have demonstrated the potency of the generated Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin mix effect on the brain - as a similar impact to illegal drugs.Studies have proven that regular consumption can have a negative impact on the brain. Prolonged exposure can alter brain structures, brain functioning and therefore, behaviour patterns. (A Recovery Programme is all about rewiring the brain).Frequency of use, existing or prior mental health conditions, age of exposure and the type of pornographic content, are important factors. Porn impacts a developing brain differently than a mature brain. Such matters as violent porn are factors that does a different type of impact. Changes in the reward centre, cognitive functioning and emotional regulation are key areas of interest in neuropsychology.The Pleasure and Reward Centre: The brain’s primary reward neurotransmitter is Dopamine and it is released during pleasure activities whenever you experience pleasure. Repeated release of dopamine over time, alters the reward centre of the brain. You will find that over time, you desire more stimulus to achieve the same result. Regular use of porn causes highs and lows and the brain starts to create new patterns that drive a person to continue watching porn. It remembers the reward.Cognitive Function: Individuals who suffer from compulsive use of porn, often struggle with cognitive functioning. There may be impaired decision-making, but they do not know it. For example, going after the immediate short-term gain, despite the much bigger potential consequences which is all so apparent and a seemingly illogical decision to take such risks. There may be cognitive blind spots where you cannot so readily disurn the negative consequences of the behaviour; instead, going for immediate gratification - rather than delayed gratification; even trashing own personal values, moral codes and ethics.Emotional Regulation: The difficulty regulating emotions will show up in constantly reaching out for the quick fix of porn viewing, Sex or Love Addiction behaviours, to regular emotions; thereby, reinforcing the well grooved out neural pathway pairing which has taken place. Remember that the Frontal/Pre-cortex/logical reasoning decision-making part of the brain has gone offline during the 'Acting out'. Major bridge-burning decisions are being taken in the Limbic area of the brain. 'I feel, so I do'. When the behaviours are brought to an end and the Pre-Cortex comes back online - hearing you ask it the question - "What a waste of time. Why did I just do that?". It's reply will be - "Why are you asking us. We were offline at the time!"Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conf

Send us Fan MailThe antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. (Sympathy and Empathy are very different). Narcissism and Empathy cannot co-exist at high levels together in the same person. (Both cannot be seen being used at high levels in the same person). There will always be a high level of one and a low level of the other. Make sure Empathy is the one that is practised at a high level, in how you do life. (You will need some help to do change to achieve it!)This second definition of NARCISSISM which I use is rather academic and wordy, but it works for some clients:"Narcissism is a psychological disorder associated with grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic traits tend to run on a continuum. A higher psychologically functioning narcissist is often successful and charming but may have intimacy problems in relationships. A person who has a more severe form of narcissism may appear nearly delusional with their grandiosity and may act out destructively when they feel criticized. Narcissistic behavior involves much idealization and devaluation. Characteristics involve grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, idealization of self and devaluation of others.Narcissistic damage occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy, grounded parents help young people build a frame of reference for living. When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfilment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life. When our primal wiring meets the world we live in today characterized by disconnection at personal, family and social levels, we experience a helplessness and aloneness that is beyond what we are biologically prepared to embrace. Narcissistic wounding is sometimes referred to as the emptiness wound".Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,

Send us Fan MailMost of my clients will initially reject the suggestion that they have such traits - (me, myself & I focus) - until I explain the definition. Here is one of the definitions of Narcissism which I use:"Narcissism is the way we conceptualise how we will look after ourselves. In its pathological form, it refers to people who seem incapable of acknowledging or taking sufficient account of the reality of other people and their separate existence. Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes those who exemplify an extreme form of this characteristic. The primary purpose of Narcissism is to compensate for experience, usually in early childhood, when ordinary expectable needs were not met adequately. The Narcissist denies dependence on others and denies even that others exist except as players in the Narcissist’s drama. Other people are required to meet the narcissist’s needs for recognition and value, but without relationship being reciprocated.The narcissist gives nothing, but demands others give everything. Therefore the original horrific experience of unmet need and the shame and vulnerability that goes with it, is denied and defended against.Traits include being the centre of attention; little interest in others; craves recognition and praise. They are performers and want others to keep on clapping and not stop; controls and dominates interaction with others; has to be right; cannot admit to ever being wrong and never apologises; insists on things being done their way; always makes the choices and decisions. Reliance on another is not acknowledged".Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,

Send us Fan MailMaybe you really are not yet at the 'ACTION' stage, as you think you are! 'Tools for 'ACTION' won't work if that is not the STAGE you are at. Let's look at where you might be at, despite turning up at the Therapists office. Presenting for therapy does not mean you are ready for change and or to give up the behaviours. You see the 'need to give it up', but the 'desire to give it up' is lagging behind.I am multi-talented and do brain surgery on some of my clients. I explain that I am going to cut round your skull; lift off the top; remove your brain and put your brain on the chair next to you. (Don’t forget to take it when you leave!)Why do I do something so bizzare? Because I want you to know that your brain (we also call them “Parts”), is not your best friend all of the time. It is well intended. It is seeking to look after and protect you; but it does not always make right or best decisions for you in the moment.There are times when it will work against you. It will sabotage. That is why I encourage all of my clients to build in “Treats & Rewards” into their programme of change. Over time, of the brain experiencing treats & rewards for small incremental good outcomes, I hope (eventually) to entice the parts of the brain to Start to work with you. It likes treats & rewards for good outcomes. Make sense?There is another reason for doing brain surgery. I want to have a conversation with my clients, but I don’t want their brain to hear. I need to tell them something, but if their brain hears it, the brain may receive it as permission to Relapse. I don’t want to unwittingly give them that message.But I do want them to hear that all the stats will tell us that most individuals do not achieve change from repeated compulsive behaviours at their first attempt. Usually there are a number of repeated attempts. Learn to get up, dust off and get back in. Remember 'The Potholes Poem'? Request a copy from me, if you need it.What are those 'STAGES OF CHANGE ' you are talking about Gary? The Stages of Change in behaviour occurs gradually. A person moves from being uninterested, unaware or unwilling to make a change (Pre-contemplation), to considering change (Contemplation), to deciding and Preparing to make a change. Genuine determined Action then follows. Endeavours to Maintain the new behaviour occur, as well as the potential for Relapse snapping at its heel, to upset the journey towards life-long change. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,

Send us Fan MailLove me in five ways: (See my Book - The Art of Loving)Most of us operate out of emotional love. Our love is conditional. Loving self comes first. If you do not love yourself, it is not possible to love someone with the high level of love you think you have for them. It is deception to think that we do love our partner, whilst not really able to say that we love our self. Learn to love yourself first. Individual counselling may be necessary to help you on the journey.Learn to love and then learn the art of practising love. Learn it well and then spend a lifetime discipline, maintaining and perfecting it as your love affair. We know that the English word love is much over used. We use it for loving a meal as we do for loving our partner, the pet or ice cream. Using one word in that manner is a recipe for misunderstanding and certainly lacks precision in what we are trying to express.We can compare that to the way the word love is broken down and used in the Greek language. Historically the Greek language used at least five words precisely and quite distinctly to describe the various facets of love.By looking at each of those different word descriptions we can build up the identifying features of all the components that the word love should contain and demonstrate in all healthy, progressive and fulfilling relationships. Those five words for love are Epithumia, Eros, Phileo, Storge and Agape.Every couple’s love life should have all five facets of these aspects of love. Each is distinct, but inter- related and overlap. Each reinforces the other. EPITHUMIA: (The sexual love): Epithumia is a strong desire - of any kind. It is a longing for something or someone. It is to set one’s heart or desire upon. It has components of coveting and to lust after. It can be strong lustful and physical sexual desire. EROS: (Romance): Eros has been corrupted by the English word “erotic”. Eros is the driver for the romance in the relationship. Sometimes sensual, it is the desire and feeling of wanting to be together and yearning to unite.Eros is romantic, passionate and sentimental. It is the driver which causes lovers to write love poetry, love notes and give pet names to each other. It only keeps working as long as there is reciprocation and we can see benefits.STORGE: (Security): Storge is a most valuable and expensive gift. It is a relationship which will always be there for you, despite being rejected by others; a safe place/haven. It is the need (which we all have) to belong or to be a part of a close knit system with people who care, are loyal and sincere. It is a relationship which provides emotional refuge from a world which can be cold, harsh and hard.PHILEO: (Fellowship/Friendship): Phileo is the love one feels for a cherished friend of either sex. This love is conditional and is reactive to what it sees in the other. It is a love which cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved, but always expects a response. AGAPE: (Unconditional): Agape is the fifth of our five loves. At some point in a relationship, we may be tested harshly indeed by a crisis. Perhaps for a longer period than we could have imagined or expected we have tried to love the unlovable. We are starkly face to face with a situation of “for better or for worse”. Unlovable traits show up in the partner. The toll on you has already been great. Agape is the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without a reciprocal return. That is just too tall an order.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Episod

Send us Fan MailTools for repairing The Sex Addiction impacted couples relationshipCouples get into a conflict dance of words and emotions, mostly because of their Attachment Fears - fears of being Abandoned. The conflict of words is rarely about the actual subject matter in dispute.  There is an under current of despair. It is rarely about the top left off the tooth paste or leaving the toilet seat up. Have a read of the Book “Hold me Tight” by Dr Sue Johnson.What goes wrong when love goes wrong. The clue is often in the childhood development years. Insecure Attachment is often at the root of the issues. Depleted Core Emotional Needs is a common feature. What are those 'Loves' which go wrong? Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service & Physical Touch.What is 'the childhood Development years: From birth to just after puberty. Templates get set up, which we practice and then take with us into adulthood, to form our pattern of responses; but they may have worked in childhood, in family, up were not exportable into the new couples relationship.What are those Insecure Attachments? Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment & Dismissive/Fearful Attachment. The ideal outcome from childhood Development should have been 'Secure Attachment'.What are those Core Emotional Needs? The top 10 of them are Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security & Support.Everyone of these issues have been looked at by me in past episodes. Go search them out.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing

Send us Fan MailIn the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis (TA). He said that verbal communication is at the centre of human social relationships and is a transaction. He called it Transactional Analysis. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts and uncles and those in authority.It is a model about people and relationships - based on two notions. The first -  that we have three parts or 'ego-states' to our 'personality; secondly, that these converse with one another in 'transactions'. We each have internal models of Parents, Children and Adults within us. Those roles are played out with one another in our relationships. Many of our problems come from transactions which are unsuccessful.When you are trying to identify ego states, words are only part of the story. To analyse a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well, since only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken. 38% of meaning is from the way that the words are spoken and 55% is from facial expression. Beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear 'Parental'.Parent: There are two forms of Parent we can play. The Nurturing Parent is caring and concerned; often appearing as a mother-figure (men also play out that role). They seek to keep the Child contented, offering a safe haven and unconditional love to calm the Child's troubles.The Controlling (or Critical) Parent, tries to make the Child do as the parent wants them to do. They may also have negative intent,Adult: The Adult in us is the 'grown up' rational person who talks reasonably and assertively, neither trying to control nor reacting aggressively towards others. The Adult is comfortable with themself.Child: There are three types of Child we can play. The Natural Child is mostly not self-aware and is characterized by the non-speech noises they make (yahoo, whee). They like playing and are open and vulnerable. They are the curious and exploring; always trying out new stuff (often much to their Controlling Parent's annoyance). Along with the Natural Child they make up the Free Child. The Adaptive Child reacts to the world around them, either changing themselves to fit in or rebelling against the forces they feel.Conflict: Problems usually occur in crossed transactions, where each is talking to a different level of ego state. Watch out for crossed wires, as this is where conflict arises. When it happens, try to go to the state that the other person is in, to talk at the same level. For rational conversation, move yourself and the other person to the Adult level. The parent is either nurturing or controlling. Often speaks to the child in their adaptive or ‘natural’ response. When both people talk as a Parent to the other’s Child, their wires get crossed and conflict results. The ideal line of communication is the mature and rational Adult-Adult relationship. At the core of Berne's theory is the rule that effective transactions (ie successful communications) must be complementary. The problem: Being a Controlling Parent invites the other person into a Child state where they may conform with demands. There is also a risk that they will be an Adaptive 'naughty child' and rebel. They may also take opposing Parent or Adult states. Be a Nurturing Parent, talking at the same level as the other person.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Episode keywords: Couples

Send us Fan MailMore on unconscious Couples collusive fit dynamics of attractionBy ROSIE IFOULD, 1 August 2011http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2020944/Do-fight-like-cats-dogs-Or-half-pedestal-How-identifying-couple-type-transform-love-life.html#ixzz36JbJ34V9Most of us take on set roles in our relationships whether we realise it or not. We like to think that every relationship is unique. Experts have identified six different ‘couple types’ that we all fall into.Psychologists say, identifying the type of couple type we are — or would like to be — holds the key to a happy relationship and being able to understand our own needs and those of our partner.The kind of couple we find ourselves in is largely influenced by what we’ve experienced growing up. We can’t help but take on board how our parents behaved.Often, we recreate the roles of our mothers and fathers. If you grew up seeing your father worship your mother, you might expect the same from your relationships. CAT AND DOGThis couple fight constantly. They can be screaming at each other in front of you and you say: “Why don’t you split up?” And they turn in unison and ask you: “Are you mad?”They enjoy the cycle of fight and make up (often accompanied by passionate sex). If one partner has an affair or does something to disrupt the trust, this becomes the relationship from hell.THRILL OF THE CHASEThe pursuer/distancer couple, in which one partner is in pursuit of the other, trying to secure their attention and affection. One pretends they don’t want to know and the other enjoys the thrill of the chase. They take it in turns to play the pursuer or distancer. Whenever one senses the other is losing interest, they will switch. What drives this couple is a fear of being seen as needy. They can develop a dependency on one another.PARENT AND CHILD"I’ve three children … including the one I’m married to!" They feel responsible for nurturing their partner, who they regard as less capable. It may occur when one partner becomes vulnerable — for instance, after they are ill or lose their job.The parent partner is attracted because they feel that in caring for this person, they have found a purpose in life. Parenting isn’t just about nurturing, it’s also about control.IDOL AND FANEverything is black and white for this couple. One person is all good. Everything about them is wonderful and the other person worships them. One adopts the role of worshipper to boost the other’s self-esteem. The idol may collude in telling the fan they are inferior and will never find anyone else to love them. This kind of relationship can be short-lived because there’s no room for either to develop.BABES IN THE WOODThese are two individuals who recognise great similarities in each other. It’s a pattern typically found in new relationships or where the partners may feel insecure. Perhaps they’ve been hurt in the past, so security appeals. Often described as the best of friends, with a strong, united front. They can be so focused on each other that it’s difficult for anyone else to penetrate their world, including friends. THE GROWN-UPSThis is a functional relationship between two mature people at ease with their differences and with little interest in conflict. They are sensible and accommodating. These two will never have to face their dark side and so their relationship may lack a little fire.Bringing colour back to life - wit

Send us Fan MailUnconscious Couples Collusive fit - of attraction to each other. Identify with any of these dynamics in your partnered relationship - now or in the past?Henry Dicks suggested that there are three areas involved in a couple fit: A public fit of social class, ethnicity and education between couples.Each partner will have had different experiences from childhood. Both of the partners may have had attachment issues from childhood and have separation anxiety, but they may have different coping styles. One might be compulsive anxious attachment, one might have compulsive fearful avoidant attachment and both may struggle trusting an attachment figure.Babes in the Wood: Cling together in the face of impossible odds. Unconscious rejection - repressed anger within relationship - expressed anger at people outside the relationship by partner one. Unconscious rejection - repressed against anger within relationship - expressed anger at people outside the relationship by partner two.They often look the same and will behave in a likeable, affable manner. A couple such as this see all the bad things in the world as belonging in the outside world and not part of themselves. They keep anything bad out of their relationship. The world literally is a “big bad wolf” to them.Net and Sword: The ‘net’ shows all the love & tries to encompass, control or placate the sword. Conscious rejection - deny need or yearning for other by partner one. Conscious yearning by partner two. The relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings & decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings. There is Conscious rejection deny need or yearning for other the by partner two.One partner shows all the love in the relationship and the other all the rejection. One partner expresses all the denied emotions that the other cannot or will not express. This relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings and decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings, often plunging the other into confusion or profound feelings of loss. (One of them has moved the goalposts).Cat and Dog: Characterised by anger, rejection & other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other. Conscious rejection - deny need or yearning for other by partner one. Conscious rejection deny need or yearning for other by partner two. They often will not separate because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better.Yet they fight. (Like Tom & Jerry cartoon). It is portrayed in Edward Albee’s play "Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf", and is characterised by anger, rejection and a host of other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other and their lives seem like a war zone. (Very similar to the relationship which Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor lived out). Intimacy is regulated by conflict and they often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better.In these relationship 'fits', the couple relationship is marked by parts of themselves that they are denying; counselling can help the couple “re-fit” their relationship.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building, Marriage counselling,Marriage help,Marriage therapy,Couples counselling,Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship,Love and Commi

Send us Fan MailMate/Partner selection, Collusive/Couple fit and all that: Why did I choose you and not someone else on planet earth?"I have never met you before or hardly know you, yet in a room of 100 people, I gravitate to you". How does that happen?My reply as a Therapist: "Because you 'promise' (or hold the potential) to fix and supplement an aspect of me which needs what you have - but I am not going to tell you that and make myself vulnerable."Say what? Yep."So you are saying that we gravitate to sameness (to compliment each other), as well as differenceness (to supplement my perceived deficits) - which I don't want you to know about and even I don't necessarily and consciously want to own that fact?"All very odd. Yep - because most of that dynamic lives in the unconscious, which is what Therapy with The Kairos Centre helps you with - to move as much from the unconscious into the conscious; so that when it is now in the conscious, you get the opportunity to try to do something about it; but just because it is now in the conscious does not mean you will be able to change what is now visible - quickly. It takes take to effect change.Why? Because you are going after patterns of behaviours set up in the childhood development period, where blueprints and templates were established and set in place and practised into adulthood. "So my thoughts and behaviours are going down a predictable course because of repeatedly practiced patterns of behaviours which have become neural pathways and it takes time to change well entrenched and well established patterns of behaviours which have become neural pathways?". Yep. You got it."Little wonder then that I set about trying to avoid getting it wrong again (by choosing that wrong type of partner) and to avoid that, I go to extreme opposite ends of the spectrum of attributes and blow me, I end up with someone where the same negative behaviours eventually show up again. Oh - yuk"!Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building, Marriage counselling,Marriage help,Marriage therapy,Couples counselling,Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another 

Send us Fan MailFrom where did you get your Sex Ed knowledge back there during the developing childhood years, which you have been following through and repeatedly practising in adulthood? Was it 'Peers, banter and porn' which set up your sexual template, long before school Sex Ed - which got there way too late; the deed was already done. You give a wry smile when asked about Sex Ed at home from parents! For most - there was none at home; for others, if there was, it came way too late.Once the five senses of sight, smell, taste, touch & sound brings images and experiences onto the brain - those 'firsts' have already set up the templates - which will then be repeatedly played out in adulthood sexuality, as being 'right' and 'works'. Not necessarily true. They are templates, but they may not be accurate of 'right'. They are just what your brain experienced as 'first time' and the template is set up (whether wanted or not) and will reproduce and reproduce; churning out the same old, same old - 'seems to work'; (but you know it isn't working as you want it to work!The setting up of those templates during the childhood development period are called sexual myths. Sexual myths need to be unlearned. Then replaced with accurate knowledge about human sexually and physiological responses. That is what The Kairos Centre provide, when its Therapists are wearing a different hat and skill set called Psychosexual Therapy. (I use the shorted term of 'Sex Therapy').It can be transformation, when (for the first time) you experience Sensuality, Intimacy, Romance, Deep Love & Affection - at a must higher level (after cleansing out the dross); which is so fulfilling on its own; and you haven't even had sex yet!Come and see and experience it for yourself. Then you will have eyes to see and body to feel the difference of 'sex gone wrong' all those years that you have been doing it!Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building, Marriage counselling,Marriage help,Marriage therapy,Couples counselling,Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another 

Send us Fan MailPart 5 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveHere is a portion of an article by Lauren Dubinsky - Founder of Good Women Project: What I Wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012 "Pornography is a charged subject, and it's a word that rarely crosses the lips of most women. Yes, there are now breeds of the modern woman who watch, talk and joke about it regularly, but most of us still stay farther away from speaking the word than we actually stay away from it...... but statistics show that, at least in Australia, more than one-third of pornography viewers are women. Just last week, I received an email from a girl who leads a small women's group; they'd just discovered that every single one of them were watching porn.When I was in high school, pornography was on the long list of "bad things" that I didn't know much about -- and unfortunately also on the list of things I had participated in. Never mind why I was watching it, the how is the same for nearly all of us: We stumbled upon it because of someone else. And none of us knew what to expect, or how to handle it.I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too, so I wouldn't have had to spend years living under the shame that comes with being "the only one" and thinking there was something wrong with me....."What are the psychosexual issues that we work with as Sex Therapists, which young people are storing up and manifests in their twenties.Erectile Dysfunction: Inability to get or keep an erectionDelayed/Retarded ejaculation: Inability or 'long' delay in being able to ejaculatePremature Ejaculation: Coming too quicklyVaginismus: Inability for penis to enter the vagina due to vaginal musclesDyspareunia: Female pain during vaginal penetrationSexual Desire Disorder: Little or no desire for sexLack of Orgasm: Inability to reach an OrgasmSpectatoring during sex: Coaching self during sex and so not fully presentGenital/body dysmorphia: Belief that genitals are not 'normal'Spermaphobia: Fear of ejaculation and specifically spermEurotophobia: Aversion to/fear of female genitaliaSickle cell Priapism: Ejection failure to reduce and is longlastingVulvar painGet some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another 

Send us Fan Mail- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centrePart 4 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveCovid-19 contributed to a significant increase in the compulsive use of porn in 10 to 75 years old. Women gravitated to webcam usage during lockdown – maybe coerced by partners making it seem like a necessary substitute. Many such females do not yet know they might be addicted until they try to stop.What is this thing called “Love Addiction”? Well, I believe it is all about trying to fill an Insecure Attachment need. What’s that? Set up in childhood development where the bonding with key parental figures was not 'good enough'. “Say what!'. There may be a high level of sincere motivation to stop, but the physiology demand for its chemical fix, situational triggers and disturbing/upsetting feelings, causes a PART of the personality to sabotage. Logic goes offline. There is little care about the demands of the other PARTS of the personality. "I see, I desire, I want, so I take" kicks in. Immediate gratification rules.So, a lot of women worldwide, have become addicted or have a compulsion towards porn, but do not realise it. Arguably, there is greater 'Shame' for women, who then need to go deeper under ground and sty 'hidden. Stay means hide/hidden - don't tell or be found out. Remember SHAME + NARICISSISM = SEX ADDICTION.Some interesting stats from BACP Mindometer 2025 News from BACP: This annual survey into the state of the nation's mental health identified that almost two thirds (64%) of therapists say the public’s mental health has deteriorated over the past year. Nearly all therapists identified financial pressures and the rising cost of living as major contributing factors, while 83% reported that war and global conflict have also negatively affected people’s wellbeing.The survey gathered insights from almost 3,000 members, highlights several emerging trends:62% of therapists who work with men with addiction said they noticed a rise in alcohol addiction over the past yearOver half (53%) of therapists who work with men with addiction said they noticed a rise in porn addiction over the past yearWhat a shame the questions were focussed primarily on men. Interesting isn't it!In August 2024, BACP published its Addictions Competence Framework, identifying specialist knowledge, skills and abilities that counsellors require to effectively support adults living with addictions.  Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,

Send us Fan MailPart 3 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveSnippet of an interview with Caroline Brown of “This Crazy over 40s Life”: Relationships & Collusive fitsSameness and/or difference attracts and are bonded together; but something shifts somewhere along the journey; falling out of love visited the couple.We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted. We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toilet seat (up or down), and the top off the toothpaste, is in full flow. Yet, it has nothing to do with the toilet seat or the toothpaste (which 'breaks the camel's back') - causing us to retreat from the relationship.Here is a little of what Authors Jacobs, Dicks & Scarff have to say: "Unconscious attraction: Choice or chemistry: we are not aware of it. At an unconscious level we often pick and are picked out by a partner who has had similar earlier life experiences. They may have dealt with these experiences in an opposite way. Unconscious choice of a partner is based on similarity. It may feel that you "complete each other" or have found your "other half........When couples unconsciously choose each other it may be as a second chance to play out old conflicts (from childhood) which were not successfully managed the first time around".We choose partners & are chosen by partners at both conscious & conscious levels.Counselling may explore the idea of "chemistry" between two people: how two people "fit" together to form a "whole".Hendrix & LaKelly add their worth by suggesting:"The Search For "One and Only": So how does this information add to our understanding of romantic attraction? We seem to be highly selective in our choice of mates. In fact, we appear to be searching for a "one and only" with a very specific set of positive and negative traits....... we are each looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us....it is a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds". Aren't we strange and fickle people - us human beings? Might AI do it better for us - partner choice I mean?Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compu

Send us Fan MailPart 2 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveWhat does emasculation of men mean? A browser search result says about Emasculation: 'It refers to the perceived loss of traditional masculine attributes, such as strength and power, often resulting from societal changes or dynamics in relationship'. Were those traditional values 'fit for purpose anyway'? What does the new attributes look like? Are men trying to make them fit, but experiencing a straight jacket effect? When men do not feel that they are getting it right, the desire to self-soothe to manage emotions, is all the more prevalent. Russian dolls very well illustrates the brain's attempts to protect and guard us from repeat pain from situations experienced in the childhood development years. The real us, may have got stunted, where the brain built layers and layers around the inner child from the time of early developmental traumas and uncomfortable issues. By adulthood, maybe you no longer know who is the 'Real' you. You get a split second sight of him (very rarely), but before you are ready, he pops back in and disappears. When you get that split second sighting, you know you could get to like him, but as you hold up your hands to beckon him to stay, just as quickly, he disappears. (Make sense to anyone?)You learn to present a version of you, dependent upon the persona you think that group of people want to see or have got use to seeing; but it may not be the real authentic you. It may have got tiring living in that mould and you have outgrown that version of you, but the 'system' won't let you change and metamorphose into a different version of you. You are stuck. The coat no longer fits. So you self-soothe with P.... Men are “Wild at heart”. That book by John Eldredge – maybe is on to something. Where there is something that is not done “good enough” during childhood development, the brain sets about trying to fill the deficits with coping strategies.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailPart 1 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspectiveIntergenerational Trauma. What’s that about?Inherited culture and how scripts get passed on like a baton in a relay race. Does it need to stop with you and not get passed on to your next generation (the Children)?So difficult to break out of boundaries and shackles. Things of patterns - like Addictions - get passed on to the next generation. It must be in the water!Here is just one angle from which Intergenerational trauma could show itself. This is from the Parent and child relationship:"Intergenerational trauma is really about interpersonal transmission of trauma. If you are a traumatized parent, your child may become a trigger..... Because of those experiences, the child you have will not get the full-fledged affection that you have and that they need. Mothers who have experienced terrible things may become all uptight in the presence of their children because they may not be able to open their heart to another person and experience the joy that that can give....How we experience any one thing is very much how we interact with each other....." - Dr Bessel Van der kolkThe Kairos Centre have launched a comprehensive Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles Pre-Married prep, Partnerships, Couples, Marrieds, long, long time Marrieds/Partners) bringing together is experience with hundreds of Singles and couples over 19 years and a few books written on the subjects. Might that Programme be an alternative way for you to work through your Singleness or Partnership issues without seeing a Therapist?Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailLet's look at:Transactional Analysis, Personality Types and Ego StatesUnderstand the person and you begin to understand what causes or contributes to conflicts. A little insight into Personality or psychological types (as a theory that explains some of the differences in people’s behaviors) can prove useful. There are predictable differences in individuals which show by the different ways in which they use their minds.We have preferences. We instinctively pick up a pen and sign our names with one preferred hand. When we fold our arms we instinctively put the right arm on top of the left or vice versa. We can use the other arm, although it will be more awkward, take more thought and effort and be slower. I touch upon a few concepts below only to sow them in your mind, but I realise that they are not developed adequately as tools for you to yet use effectively. I make them available for your own further reading around the topics.Personality type preference is about the way an individual chooses to use the mind to “perceive”, “judge”, for “introversion” or for “extraversion”. A basic level of understanding will empower us to consider adapting our behaviour accordingly, to affect the conflict for good or bad. Just be aware of these even though I do not use space here to develop them further at this time.Transactional Analysis (TA) also explains and categorises the way a person relates or behaves. Their behaviour may differ in various circumstances and situations as they adopt different ego states. A person’s ego state includes their thoughts, behaviours and feelings and they express them in three different ways. They are Parent, Adult or Child. TA is about analysing the mechanics which operate when people endeavour to communicate their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. As a tool, it provides insight into managing and resolving conflicts. It is a useful tool in communication skills.Whilst in the Parent state we express thoughts, feelings and behaviours learned from our parent figures – which were nurturing and protecting of us. They are the values and morals from our parents and are visible when we are critical and Judgmental; shown for example, by wagging the finger in a stern rebuke in a parental disciplinarian manner. In the Adult state those behaviours, thoughts and feelings are when we are more likely to make rational decisions and deal appropriately with options. Here we are rational with the facts and unemotional in problem solving or decision-making. The Child state is a free spirit wanting to have fun, be carefree and without responsibility. We experience the emotions from childhood. We use them to get our way.An example, is where an Assistant solicitor says to the trainee, “My boss is not going to be pleased with your piece of research and I’ll be in for it if I give that to him, because you have missed out a vital piece of information”.Concerned about his standing with the partner, the Assistant solicitor is in a dependent child ego state with the Trainee. The trainee may reply, “No problem, I’ll find the missing information and include it promptly for you. Don’t worry.” The trainee is in the parent (reassuring) ego state.The importance of these concepts is that knowledge of their dynamics can enable us to break out, break free and change as circumstances require. Realisation about potential choices can enable us to stop, think and change our method of communication and thereby affect the relationship. So often, we see examples of how a person we are in contact with seems to make us behave in a particular way and we do not know why! We wish we could be set free.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to b

Send us Fan MailPut these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively:John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading.Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity and femininity communicate. There is a big difference between 'Hearing' and 'Listening'.There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in conflict with someone. There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in a 'Parent role', 'Adult role' or Child role". (That is the theme of TA (Transactional Analysis - for which you can do a 3 years degree to understand the dynamics).There is a difference between Sympathy and Empathy. There is a difference between Narcissism and Empathy. (I describe Empathy as the antedote to Narcissism).There is a difference in how we communicate when '...now is not a good time for me...', but we are forced to do communication. It can quickly go downhill.There is a difference in how we communicate when there is a power imbalance. There is a difference in how we communicate when Shame is at work (very much applicable to those with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction - remembering my mathematical formula - SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX/PORN ADDICTION.Know the terrain in which YOU are communicating. Remember that the biggest aspect of effective communication is what we take in with our eyes.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailDuring Communication, our body demeanour is going to give us away. Know the facts about the body and how you might have trained it to 'tell on you'!When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave towards that person until something happens to cause us to change our mind. Even then, changing our mind is a process and is not immediate.Our voice and body language communicate about 93% of our message. Let’s break that down a bit more. Dependent upon the statistics that you read, anything from 55% to 70% of what is communicated and we take in, is what we gain visually, using our sight. In other words what we see. 38% comes from what we hear (tone, pitch of voice etc) and only 7% comes from the actual words that we hear. Remember words are ambiguous.The way someone dresses influences opinion. As a speaker, if I dress in a way that is insensitive, inappropriate or is causing you to pay more attention to it; perhaps I have been culturally insensitive in my dress sense; then for quite a long time you will have been absorbed with that fact. You will have stopped listening effectively and be distracted in your thoughts, although you will have been “hearing” noise coming out of my mouth. There is a great difference between listening and hearing.If you detect a nervous disposition from me as I am speaking to you, my nervous disposition and shaking hands will be giving you mixed messages and reduce the impact of what I am saying. What is the importance of all of this?It is important to maximise that which takes in most of the information whilst we communicate. That is the visual. Therefore, avoid having those important conversations sitting side by side, particularly with the television on. Text messages can be disastrous when dealing with important matters. Laying side by side and pillow talk conversations can become problematic if the subject has more importance to one of you than is realised by the other.I am not saying not to do it, but I want you to be aware that the aim should be to maximise eye to eye and body to body visual contact.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, P

Send us Fan MailWhen we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the message can come out the other end looking very different to what went in and was received. A damaged or compromised brain may incorrectly filter the message.For there to be effective transmission and receipt, the equipment must be working well. Stress, headaches, worry, multi-tasking and distractions are some things which act as blocks to effective transmission. Fight, Flight Freeze, Brain damage, dopamine and other neurochemical highs or lows, are other compromises to the filtering mechanisms of the brain.We need to learn to listen effectively and hear well. The speaker must have a clear idea of what they intend to communicate. The recipient must feel the message is relevant and be interested or greater levels of concentration will be required. The time and place must be appropriate. Both should be free from interference from strong emotions and past history! They must share the same language and not have coded meanings. The problem we have is that on a lot of occasions many of those things are not present and so there are problems in transmitting and/or receiving. Filters may act as blocks. What is said is not what we want to hear and so we do not listen and/or we do not interpret it the way it was intended. That can all be happening consciously or even unconsciously. It is the unconscious which is perhaps more difficult to identify and address. Don’t be entrenched and fixed in your views. Don’t be dogmatic. Leave scope for a different opinion. I demonstrate this in therapy by showing ambiguous picture and ask each person to describe what they see. Some cannot see all the different images contained in one picture. They need help. When pointed out, they exclaim with pleasure that they too can now see the differing images! But they needed help. Until they received help, many will hold firmly to their view that there is nothing further to be seen. Life is not always Black and White. Sometimes we all need help to see and better understand that which we just cannot see or understand with our own five senses. Sometimes we need someone to help us introduce some colour into our black and white, all or nothing way of thinking. That so often is all that counselling is - just adding some colour!Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre, Peer,Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Online Therapy,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Chu

Send us Fan Mail"A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference between Listening and Hearing. Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see how we restrict our own thinking! The 9 Dots exercise is a good illustration of how we need to break out of self-imposed constraints and break out of boxes. Try the exercise.'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (book by John Gray). 'Men don’t listen and women cannot read maps' (book by Allan & Barbara Pease). Males and females may have varying interpretation for different words that are used. 'It's not about the nail in my head' - that you are looking at and being distracted by, as you are speaking to me! Watch out, you are going to end up as 'Men in the dog house'. In fact, that may be impossible to avoid!How do the sexes ever get it together? Earth seems to be the planet whose orbit of the sun is between that of Mars and Venice and so there is proof that we can get it together - at times!Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailRemember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?'Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance. Now let’s remove one of the bicycle wheels and take a look at what we have in front of us. We can view the hub in the middle and call it “communication”. The hub needs to be tight and work well, because attached to it are the spokes. The spokes are various life issues that we all face. Life will throw up lots of stuff that we have to deal with.Those spokes (or life issues) can be negotiated around and got over much better by the two of you where the hub (communication) is tight and working well for the two of you. How do we tighten the hub so that it keeps the spokes tightly attached to it and stop the wheel warping and hindering progress? The intention is to tighten up the hub so that when communication is working much better for the two of you, both of you can better tackle life issues. Let us look at the features of Communication. It includes body posture, gestures (such as head nods), facial expression, eye contact, physical proximity, appearance, style of speech, tone and volume of voice, words (and the different meanings they may have to you) and physical contact (such as hand shakes). Remember cultural differences and word nuances! The intention is that when therapy comes to an end, armed with new communication skills, each is better equipped to tackle those spoke issues which life will continue to throw up. Improved communication skill is a life skill which works in the home, work, gym or wherever interaction with another takes place.Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see how we restrict our own thinking!  Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailListening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not really listen to it and take it in and it quickly is forgotten. Five types of poor listeners: 1. The advisor: instead of seeking to understand and empathise, they will want to sort out the problem by proposing a fix it. Sometimes the person who has spoken, only wanted to be heard and listened to without a solution. We men can struggle with that. What – no advice wanted! 2. The interrupter: whilst a person is speaking, they are already working out a reply and interrupt when they think they have the answer, before all is shared. Whilst the brain is working out the reply they are not truly listening. Sometimes we are not aware that we interrupt each other. 3. The reassurer: is a person who perhaps interrupts prematurely and gives advice that may belittle what has been said. For example, “It’II be OK”.4. The rationaliser: that person focuses on explaining why the other feels the way they do. The replies may actually totally miss the point. 5. The deflector: perhaps feels uncomfortable with the subject matter and instead of commenting on the issue, moves the conversation off into a different arena. Often ends up talking more about themself.Sometimes we cannot see it. Sometimes we need some help to see it. Sometimes the constraints are self-imposed. Sometimes we need to remove the shackles from our own minds so that we can think outside of the box.  We can teach our brains to say the right things, but our heart can betray us. In other words, whilst we are saying what we have rehearsed in our minds, our body language could be giving off a very different impression and contradict our spoken words!  The other person is likely to detect that we are not really listening and feel devalued. Repeatedly devaluing the other person, causes core emotional needs to be depleting. Fight and/or flight will start to come out as they seek to get those needs met elsewhere.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abus

Send us Fan MailSplit agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you?Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance which keeps being played out.'If you will, I will. If you won't, I won't''. Worlds away from - 'If you are ok, then I am ok. If you are not ok, then I am not ok and I need to make you ok so I can be ok, because if you are not ok, then I can't be ok'. (That utterance was during the early stages of the wedding vows). The couples are now trying to restore a level of homeostasis/equilibrium/balance/relative harmony - to make life together, a bit more enduring/bearable.In fact - as you observe the dance which Jake and Jasmine are doing on the seesaw of life, the exact opposite of harmony and bearable is being played out; each responds to the other to create a counter-balance that ends up with a steeper incline pulling them downwards; which is just not sustainable in the longer term. At some point, lack of conscious choice (but knee-jerk responses to the others' movements) - means that at some point choice will be removed from them both. There will be an explosion of the relationship - but perhaps not for many, many years. Maybe the cue is when the children leave home for university or house prices increase to a level that triggers the explosion because there is now enough equity for them both to buy separate properties.The exploded relationship leaves them both scrambling around to pick up shracknel. Onlookers observe with sentiments of - 'they were such a lovely couple. We never saw that coming!'Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailDoes that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner! Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not negotiable. They want to be met and Fight/Flight/ Freeze will play out where they have been depleted for some time. (This dynamic is all so unconscious and not readily visible).Moving in one direction to get Core Emotional Needs met, without the partner, will put tremendous strain on the relationship. Pressure increases. Conflict is apparent.Interestingly, the other partner may not be pulling back - as the image seems to depict. They may just be digging in just to avoid the force of the pull taking them in a direction that they do not yet want to go!Tension in the relationship increases. Annoyance is apparent; hostility is in the air; conflict is palpable. Yet the process is working away in the unconscious and neither party may fully understand what is going on.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailBuilding new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British!Question: "How are you today". Answer: "I'm fine thank you".Observation after the automatic response: "I notice you are on strong pain-killers and on crutches"!Emotions are very powerful and drive so much of our decisions, including major bridge-burning decisions - in the moment. Emotions live in the Limbic brain.I use the Relationship Images document with the couple right at the beginning of our work, in order to get at the truth and not what feelings and emotions are telling me if I ask the couple some questions about their relationship.I want to know how deeply entrenched is the damage done to the relationship. The exercise by-passes the emotional brain (of feelings) and also the intellectual logical reasoning part of the brain. Instead, I connect with their heart. The heart tends to tell the truth. So I use the exercise to listen to the heart.Each identify an image which represents a time in their Past when the relationship was working at its absolute best; super-doper. Then an image which represents where the relationship is Now (such that they have come for therapy). Finally, which image best represents the Future. Think big. Think miracle. A future where the issues are resolved and they are living the 'bestest' quality couples relationship, beyond what they could ever image.I am looking for any split agenda as to why each of them have come for therapy; any ulterior motive. Has one of them long left the relationship -  (emotional disengagement). Their spoken word may be contradicted by their choice of images.The discussion which ensues, will be eye-opening for the couple. Mostly, pleasantly surprising!Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailCouples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual. Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “Marriage is not the coming together of two people. It’s a clash of two cultures, two experiences, two memories, two habits, two morals, two values. And that is a formula for destruction” - Dr Myles Munro“[It] is [also] the place of our healing. So don’t leave it too quickly” - Dr Creflo Dollar. (You are destined to eventually repeat the issues again with the new person, because you take you with you into the new relationship - where second and third time around each have an even worse percentage likelihood of separation and divorce).Pinches hurt. Try using your fingernails to pinch your thigh. A pinch in a relationship, jolts the relationship and disrupts harmony. A crunch not only jolts the relationship, it assaults the very foundations of the relationship. Having pinched your thigh with your finger nail, now open the palm of your hand and hold it as if holding a tennis ball. Those fingers represents the jaws of a rottweiller dog that has its teeth locked into your bum cheeks. That is much more than just a jolt!An accumulation of unresolved pinches in a relationship which were never resolved, but put inside self, pressed down on top of years of other compressed pinches, will eventually become a crunch.Take a look at the accompanying Pinches & Crunches diagram to see the different options presented to the couple during each of those events.Unresolved and unprocessed pinches & crunches creates ambiguity, Resentment, Anger, Uncertainty, where options include - do nothing, separate, divorce or emotionally disengage. Many, many couples live in 'Emotional Disengagement' for years and years. Emotional Disengagement is insidious. Vote for the outcomes to your relationship, rather than let default decisions blow it up over time, leaving the two of you scurrying around picking up shrapnel from the explosion fall-out.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery

Send us Fan MailHighs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process.Some partners need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of the other partner in order to see the relationship from that partner's vantage point and perspective. Interestingly, all partners with Sex and/or Porn Addiction have traits which come from Narcissism. (That does not mean they are necessarily to be diagnosed with NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder).Seeing life and the relationship from the vantage point of the impacted partner is going to be very scary for those with NPD. It means that they have to set aside Narcissistic tendencies and embrace Empathy for a short while.That really is scary indeed. Most of them believe that they are Empathic and 'do' for others. (I suggest that they are Empathic in a conditional way; only so long as something comes back to reward them for good deeds; but they cannot see it and would strongly object to this statement).I suggest that the antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. They both CANNOT co-exist at a high level of expression in the same person. Just like the same poles of a magnet repel each other, so it is with Narcissism and Empathy. Only one can rule and be (being) used at a higher degree than the other.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailWe fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted. We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toilet seat (up or down), and the top off the toothpaste, is in full flow. Yet, it has nothing to do with the toilet seat or the toothpaste (which 'breaks the camel's back') - causing us to retreat from the relationship.Here is a little of what Authors Jacobs, Dicks & Scarff have to say: "Unconscious attraction: Choice or chemistry: we are not aware of it. At an unconscious level we often pick and are picked out by a partner who has had similar earlier life experiences. They may have dealt with these experiences in an opposite way. Unconscious choice of a partner is based on similarity. It may feel that you "complete each other" or have found your "other half........When couples unconsciously choose each other it may be as a second chance to play out old conflicts (from childhood) which were not successfully managed the first time around".We choose partners & are chosen by partners at both conscious & conscious levels.Counselling may explore the idea of "chemistry" between two people: how two people "fit" together to form a "whole".Hendrix & LaKelly add their worth by suggesting:"The Search For "One and Only": So how does this information add to our understanding of romantic attraction? We seem to be highly selective in our choice of mates. In fact, we appear to be searching for a "one and only" with a very specific set of positive and negative traits....... we are each looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us....it is a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds". Aren't we strange and fickle people - us human beings? Might AI do it better for us - partner choice I mean?Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailEarly relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we were young. A 'someone' we feel safe with and gives us other familiar feelings which usually make us feel comfortable and have a sense of belonging.We tend to idealise our partners initially. In time, we get very disappointed when they do not live up to our expectations. We feel very let down.Both, may have had Attachment issues from childhood and have separation anxiety, but they may have different coping styles. At some point, when repeated conflict arises, questions and doubt also surface like:“This is not the person I thought I had married.” After the shock, comes denial. The disappointment is so great that you don’t allow yourself to see the truth. You do your best to see your partner’s negative traits in a positive light. Eventually, however, the denial can no longer be sustained. You feel betrayed.We fall in love with 'sameness' and 'differenceness'. This is why we find “opposites attract”. We are unconsciously searching for and eventually think that we have found 'the one'; our 'other half/better half!'.It should be remembered that all couple fits, serve an emotional and psychological purpose. They are there to provide comfort, a sense of security and wholeness. We are not always aware of our fit until it is challenged or disrupted. Do any of these seem familiar in your relationship?:Babes in the Wood: Cling together in the face of the odds. Unconscious rejection; repressed anger within the relationship; expressed anger at people outside the relationship. They often look the same and will behave in a likeable, affable manner. A couple such as this see all the bad things in the world as belonging in the outside world and not part of themselves. They keep anything bad out of their relationship. The world literally is a “big bad wolf”.Net and Sword: The ‘net’ shows all the love & tries to encompass, control or placate the sword. Conscious rejection; deny need or yearning for other. Relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings & decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings. One partner shows all the love and the other, all the rejection. One person expresses all the denied emotions that the other cannot or will not express. This relationship works well until one partner owns up to their denied feelings and decides they will not be responsible for the others unexpressed feelings, often plunging the other into confusion or profound feelings of loss.  Cat and Dog: Characterised by anger, rejection and other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other, but often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. This relationship is characterised by anger, rejection and a host of other destructive emotions. Both are only conscious of the bad in each other and their lives seem like a war zone. Intimacy is regulated by conflict and they often will not part because they fear they cannot or will not be able to find a relationship with anybody better. (I call this one "Tom & Jerry" - characterised by a never-ending chase and never catching the other)Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy a

Send us Fan MailAt the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up. Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the conflict become entrenched and each dug in for war of attrition?We can teach our brains to say the right think, that we are expected to say, but often that is not the full truth! Just like the reply to the question - 'How are you doing?'  - evokes a knee jerk automatic answer - 'I am fine thank you'.Body language will give a more truthful answer as to where the couple are at and more accurately represent what is really going on in the heart.Telling the story of 'how did you meet' - will give a helpful calibration of where the couple are at and the nature of the work to follow, because of the toll the conflict has taken, before they sought help. As human beings, we tend to push it too far before reaching out for the help that we knew that we needed long ago.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailWhen there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict.Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do.The antidote is to learn to do physical (non-sexual) touch with the person with whom you are in conflict, in order to begin to break down the walls of hostility. But it is hard. "Boy is it hard". But a prize awaits you.Try it. Throw caution to the wind and dive in - with physical (non-sexual) touch. Overcome yourself. Overcome pride. Get you and your ego out of the way. Just do it.Don't talk. Just touch. Just embrace - if you dare. The other person may not welcome your endeavours - initially. (Be warned).Expect the bucking horse. "Get off me. What are you doing. Leave me alone". Its going to happen! Hold on in there for dear life and eventually the bucking horse will reduce. Will calm. Don't talk. Expect the intimidation - which goes with our current culture - "You need to respect my space". There is a prize if you can stay in there. It's worth it.Even as I write these words, I am intimidated because the naysayers in our current culture will be getting ready to chastise me with their disagreement. (The insistence that we must respect another's space and not intrude). That is powerful intimidation.Psychosexual Therapy (I just call it Sex Therapy) with The Kairos Centre, is not about sex. The first thing that we do is to ban sexual intercourse. Then teach how to rebuild intimacy, sensuality and romance at a higher level.Done well, it paves the way for the couple to naturally want to consummate the rebuilt relationship, by progressing to a sexual expression. At that point, I am getting ready to come out of their lives and leave them with the next 80 years to practice this thing called sex!Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,

Send us Fan MailOver 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect.They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Singles to identify their Core Emotional Needs.Commit to a Couples Recovery Programme like The Kairos Centre Video-On-Demand Relationship Program which you can cover at your leisure from the comfort of your own home, at your pace. You receive a workbook and can book Homework Review sessions as and when you desire, so that you have a sense of someone being alongside you on your journey.Let's move as much of the stuff from the unconscious; from the unseen; from the invisible; from the unknown; into the conscious; the seen; the visible; the known.Now that you can better see and understand the issues, you now get a chance to begin working through the issues - with some help. Get off the hamster wheel of habits, template behaviours, entrenched neutral pathways.Change your trajectory. Change begins because you can now see the problem. It can never be the same again. You are now on the change continuum, even if only at step one = Insight; step two = understanding.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict, 

Send us Fan MailHere is a summary of some of the topics covered in the programme: “An Eclectic mix” of counselling and psychotherapy models. Those models include psychodynamic, Systemic, CBT, EMDR, EFT, Gottman, how the past has its tentacles in our present and is affecting our future; moving as much issues from the unseen (the unconscious); bring about change – over time. Not quickly, but by small incremental steps, not big leaps; neural pathways; Childhood development; The brain does not like pain; Childhood development can throw up a lot of clues if you go looking; Connecting with the unfinished business of childhood - which holds the keys to the adult behaviours - means finding and re-nurturing the child in you; recover from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction; equipped to become the author of your new destiny. Your future; Get knowledge. Get understanding. Then reclaim your life and on the way, recover from sex, porn/Love Addiction; Individual work;  Shame, Anger, Attachment, Addictions, Trauma (Trauma is the internal wound), Grief/loss, Narcissism, Depression.Now that you can better see and understand the issues, you now get a chance to begin working through the issues - with some help. Get off the hamster wheel of habits, template behaviours, entrenched neutral pathways.Change your trajectory. Change begins because you can now see the problem. It can never be the same again. You are now on the change continuum, even if only at step one = Insight; step two = understanding.Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Key words: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication in Relationships,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution in Relationships,Relationship Conflict Management,Couples Conflict,Navigating Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust During Conflict,Effective Communication Strategies,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual,Psychosexual help,Healthy Relationships,Empowerment Self-Discovery,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Performance Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Sex Addiction Recovery,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict,