Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast
by John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa
Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
Episodes
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Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines 2 Part 2: Accountabibity
Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines 2 Part 2: Accountabibity Square Roots - Episode 538 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:30 Quest Log: 0:38:45 Level Up: 2:13:30 Sadly Vanessa has a cat disaster during this very spooky, very stylish, very goth episode of our series on Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines: 2!...
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Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines 2 Part 1: TALK ABOUT THE GAME
Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines 2 Part 1: TALK ABOUT THE GAME Square Roots - Episode 536 Introduction: 0:00:00 Hot Gaming News: 0:05:10 Quest Log: 0:22:26 Level Up: 2:14:34 It's time for Vampire time. We play Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines 2! This Week: Play until you wake up on the second...
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Nine: Pain Creates Miracles REUPLOAD
Final Fantasy XIII Part Nine: Pain Creates Miracles REUPLOAD Square Roots - Episode 536 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:30 Quest Log: 0:38:45 Level Up: 1:58:30 This week on Square Roots, we finish a big game! That's right, everyone* finished Final Fantasy XIII and now we are free to move on from another...
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Nine: Pain Creates Miracles
Final Fantasy XIII Part Nine: Pain Creates Miracles Square Roots - Episode 536 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:30 Quest Log: 0:38:45 Level Up: 1:58:30 This week on Square Roots, we finish a big game! That's right, everyone* finished Final Fantasy XIII and now we are free to move on from another game…
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Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw REUPLOAD
Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw Square Roots - Episode 535 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:59 Level Up: 0:21:48 Our schedule was getting all over the place, so we've got a short catch up episode before we finish Final Fantasy XIII next Monday! So we…
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Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw
Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw Square Roots - Episode 535 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:59 Level Up: 0:21:48 Our schedule was getting all over the place, so we've got a short catch up episode before we finish Final Fantasy XIII next Monday! So we…
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER!
Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER! Square Roots - Episode 534 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:45 Quest Log: 0:22:11 Level Up: 1:40:14 This week on Square Roots we barrel through a giant, double stuffed chunker full of all the side quests in the game. Because Chapter 11 has all of them. Also!...
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode!
Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode! Square Roots - Episode 533 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Mail Bag: 0:27:00 Smoosh Mouth: 1:20:25 Level Up: 1:31:45 This week on Square Roots we don't actually do a quest log because there's not that much to talk about with Chapter 11 of Final...
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd
Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd Square Roots - Episode 532 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:10 Quest Log: 0:21:20 Level Up: 1:24:25 This time on Final Fantasy XIII, blood comes out of Matt's eyes as he tries to be nice about the game. But we all love Barthandalous! "Eat my shorts," he...
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians?
Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians? Square Roots - Episode 531 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:10 Quest Log: 0:26:21 Level Up: 1:55:42 This time on Final Fantasy XIII: secrets are revealed! Anger is confronted! Australians are outed! Also: • He is the Best at What…
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points
Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points Square Roots - Episode 530 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:05 Quest Log: 0:22:20 Level Up: 1:19:00 Okay, we start off with a bit of a blunder, but we can all recover from it! Even Vanessa! Yes, THIS is the episode where Lightning has…
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Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians
Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians Square Roots - Episode 529 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:30 Quest Log: 0:26:10 Level Up: 2:08:10 Wait, you can use libra twice? WHAT? WHY? HOW?! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME, unless it was in a datalog or a tutorial window I skipped or the manual....
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Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora
Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora Square Roots - Episode 528 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:35 Quest Log: 0:29:35 Level Up: 2:20:00 Finally, it's time to face our destiny as L'Cie. Or a PULSE L'Cie. Or a Fal'cie. Or a Cie'th. In Final Fantasy XIII by Square Enix! Also: • This game...
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Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527
Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527 We finished Dispatch! Wow. What a game. What else is there to say? Lots, apparently. This Week: Finish Episode 8 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Chapter 2 of FFXIII! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to...
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Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh
Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh Square Roots - Episode 526 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:40 Quest Log: 0:30:15 Level Up: 1:56:41 We are terrified with our encounters with the ultimate villain of Dispatch: SLADE! Also: • Ten Minutes on Yeast Infections • Another Ten Minutes on...
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Dispatch Part 2: His Name Is Mister Whisky And No One Knows If He's A Guy In A Suit
Dispatch Part 2: His Name Is Mister Whisky And No One Knows If He's A Guy In A Suit Square Roots - Episode 525 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:25 Quest Log: 0:24:00 Level Up: 2:01:15 OBSESSION (2026) SPOILERS AT 02:17:00 THROUGH 02:26:00 We become an old person podcast! We don't approve of this Yung…
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Dispatch Part 1: First Of All, Yes. Of Course.
Dispatch Part 1: First Of All, Yes. Of Course. Square Roots - Episode 524 We play Dispatch! It's fun. We only covered eps 1 and 2 of the game this week. Sorry for lying! This Week: Episodes 1 and 2 of Dispatch Next Week: Episodes 3, 4, and 5 of Dispatch Our Patreon:...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 9: Lip Or Mustache
Legend of Dragoon Part 9: Lip Or Mustache Square Roots - Episode 523 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:51 Quest Log: 0:36:45 Level Up: 2:29:35 A Fleshy Body of a God gets squirted onto Planet Endiness, everyone gets to deal with unresolved moments from the past, and Dart finally gets to talk to his Dad in...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 8: The Winglies' Plan A Is Kill A Baby Every 108 Years
Legend of Dragoon Part 8: The Winglies' Plan A Is Kill A Baby Every 108 Years Square Roots - Episode 522 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:34:00 We get to the best part of the game: uncovering and exploiting the Winglies' legal process! That's right, you learn how to…
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Legend of Dragoon Part 7: Daddy's Home
Legend of Dragoon Part 7: Daddy's Home Square Roots - Episode 521 Hot Gaming Gossip: There isn't any Quest Log: 0:10:24 Level Up: 1:37:36 We learn a lot of secrets on this weeks episode! What's Lloyds whole deal? Who is Emperor Diaz anyway? And what's up with Rose? Listen and find out! Also: •…
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Legend of Dragoon Part 6: If You'd Like to Learn More About Soa and the Great Tree, Visit Your Local Library
Legend of Dragoon Part 6: If You'd Like to Learn More About Soa and the Great Tree, Visit Your Local Library Square Roots - Episode 520 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:55:30 On this exposition-heavy episode of Square Roots, we dive into the library of Deningrad and meet…
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Legend of Dragoon Part 5: Rose's Vaginal Vortex
Legend of Dragoon Part 5: Rose's Vaginal Vortex Square Roots - Episode 519 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 1:45:00 On this heavy flowing chunker of Sony's Legend of Dragoon, we learn so much about Rose from her Level 3 attack. Every element of it was a surprise. The...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 4: Bring A Knife
Legend of Dragoon Part 4: Bring A Knife Square Roots - Episode 518 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:40 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 2:12:00 On this episode, I wrote a special birthday song for Jim! Should I have sang something in my range? Probably! Meanwhile, Kaffi is the breakout star of Sony's classic...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 3: The Gayest Death Scene of All Time!
Legend of Dragoon Part 3: The Gayest Death Scene of All Time! Square Roots - Episode 517 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:37 Quest Log: 0:25:00 Level Up: 1:42:04 It's okay for me to write that, as a gay man. There's so much pathos and hand holding and it's all very dramatic. And this is just a chunker of...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 2: Shana, You Should Stay Here
Legend of Dragoon Part 2: Shana, You Should Stay Here Square Roots - Episode 516 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:45 Quest Log: 0:42:00 Level Up: 1:54:15 There's an Extra Packed Hot Gaming Gossip this week because every game company has announced everything! Every game you've ever wanted! But in Legend of...
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Legend of Dragoon Part 1: LAVITZ SLAMBERT!
Legend of Dragoon Part 1: LAVITZ SLAMBERT! Square Roots - Episode 515 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 2:05:00 MATT'S BANISHMENT ENDS! Jim stands the entire time! And we start Sony's Definitely Not Inspired By Final Fantasy VII Legend of Dragoon! It's nice to be back in the...
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 6: Ghost Court
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 6: Ghost Court Square Roots - Episode 514 Hot Gaming Gossip: NOT THIS WEEK! Quest Log: 0:16:34 Level Up: 1:29:30 Sorry for the delay. This episode of Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden is cursed. Everything has gone wrong. But I think you won't be cursed if you…
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 5: I Saw Some Locking, But Not A Lot of Popping
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 5: I Saw Some Locking, But Not A Lot of Popping Square Roots - Episode 513 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:15 Quest Log: 0:32:58 Level Up: 1:40:50 This time on Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden, we pause before the final confrontation to solve some folks's spooky problems....
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 4: The Hurricane's Made of Problems
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 4: The Hurricane's Made of Problems Square Roots - Episode 512 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:09:05 Quest Log: 0:41:10 Level Up: 1:51:50 Even with Matt gone, we somehow went two and a half hours this chunker. Mostly so Vanessa can tell us about her feelings on Alan Wake…
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 3: Bubsy Says Kid Power!
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 3: Bubsy Says Kid Power! Square Roots - Episode 511 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:05 Quest Log: 0:26:32 Level Up: 1:20:25 I promise I only make an Umjammer Lammy joke one time in this episode, and I think that's called restraint. But in this chunker of Dontnod's...
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 2: Red Is A Great Marksman
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 2: Red Is A Great Marksman Square Roots - Episode 510 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:46 Quest Log: 0:21:40 Level Up: 1:42:20 We're continuing to bust some ghosts, but also power up some ghosts, in this chunker of Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden. We get to meet so many...
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Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 1: In 2030, Mickey Could Definitely Shoot You
Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 1: In 2030, Mickey Could Definitely Shoot You Square Roots - Episode 509 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:00 Quest Log: 0:23:15 Level Up: 2:06:45 Get ready to get back to pilgrim times in a Magical 1695! But! But! With ghosts! This week on Square Roots, we start…
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The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 4 - Egg
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 4 - Egg Square Roots - Episode 508 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:29 Quest Log: 0:34:00 Level Up: 2:02:00 Everyone prefers Luigi to Mario, right? We identify with the failure, being the lesser brother. Luigi's greatness is that he's relatable. Mario? Boring.…
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The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 3 - Would Will Wright or Sid Meier Win In A Fight?
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 3 - Would Will Wright or Sid Meier Win In A Fight? Square Roots - Episode 507 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:07:29 Quest Log: 0:29:54 Level Up: 1:36:45 It turns out that we have the fanciest podcast host in all of podcastdom, as Jim eats his ring pops with a knife...
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The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 2 - Designated Spider Holes
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 2 - Designated Spider Holes Square Roots - Episode 506 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:06:20 Quest Log: 0:34:20 Level Up: 1:56:50 No animal crackers in my soup, no lions and tigers loop-de-loop in this thorough anti Best of Shirley Temple episode of the Square Roots...
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The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 1 - PS3 Twink and PS3 Bear
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening Part 1 - PS3 Twink and PS3 Bear Square Roots - Episode 505 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:03:30 Quest Log: 0:39:00 Level Up: 2:17:15 Starting off our year of All Bangers No Wangers for real, we've got Link's Awakening! It's a vote winner, as chosen by our audience, and...
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 8 - Scoopin' 'Em Up Like Caviar
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 8 - Scoopin' 'Em Up Like Caviar Square Roots - Episode 504 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:44 Quest Log: 0:26:22 Level Up: 1:55:10 You know, it's not usually Vanessa who says the drink-spitting-out most vile thing you've heard on the podcast, but sometimes it is, and treasure...
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 7 - How to Pronounce Yggdrasil
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 7 - How to Pronounce Yggdrasil Square Roots - Episode 503 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:55 Quest Log: 0:31:00 Level Up: 1:42:34 Who's to say whether or not trees can grow in space? Only Yggdrasil can. This time on Mass Effect: Andromeda, we have some exciting upside down…
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 6 - Phil Spencer got JobMogged by Asha Sharma
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 6 - Phil Spencer got JobMogged by Asha Sharma Square Roots - Episode 502 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:03:20 Quest Log: 0:38:40 Level Up: 1:44:45 That's right, he should have been out there skillsmaxxing but that opportunity has been... yeeted? Look, I hate to say this, but I'm…
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 5 - No One Wants the Splatter-Waggies
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 5 - No One Wants the Splatter-Waggies Square Roots - Episode 501 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:50 Quest Log: 0:38:40 Level Up: 2:03:55 Siri; is Reyes Elf Slut? This and so many more important facts about Mass Effect: Andromeda are revealed in this exciting installment of the...
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The Square Roots Podcast Episode 500 Bonanaza
The Square Roots Podcast Episode 500 Bonanaza Square Roots - Episode 500 We break our usual format to celebrate 500 episodes! There's user questions, a game of MURRRRRDLE, Jim's Airing of Grievances, Metacritical Response, and introspective retrospection! This Week: Listen to our amazing Square...
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 4 - Space Docking
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 4 - Space Docking Square Roots - Episode 499 Hot Gaming Goose: 0:02:35 Quest Log: 0:31:40 Level Up: 1:57:30 What if the whole of Mass Effect: Andromeda was about solving space crimes? Wouldn't that be cool? Let's pitch it right now: cozy mystery game, but it's about...
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 3 - The Princess Protocol
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 3 - The Princess Protocol Square Roots - Episode 498 Quest Log: 0:04:00 Level Up: 1:57:00 We finally lock onto our surefire hit Netflix romantic comedy, The Princess Protocol. It's got comedy! Dancing! Intrigue! Getting hit on the head by a coconut! Also we keep…
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 2 - Fable Three King Time Second Half
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 2 - Fable Three King Time Second Half Square Roots - Episode 497 Quest Log: 0:05:15 Level Up: 2:05:30 I keep hearing Vanessa say "cat" every time she says "Kett" in this action-packed, different timeline navigating BioWare adventure game, Mass Effect: Andromeda. Johnny...
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Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 1 - Michael Rappaport's Crap Report
Mass Effect: Andromeda Part 1 - Michael Rappaport's Crap Report Square Roots - Episode 496 Quest Log: 0:37:03 Level Up: 1:44:10 We're playing Mass Effect: Andromeda by BioWare for this year's BioWarey! So let's meet new friends! Explore new planets! And avoid having to recognize any of the four...
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach Square Roots - Episode 495 Quest Log: 0:40:45 Level Up: 1:44:10 Finally the game has someone for Matt, and it's Hot Goth Peach. She gets a real Legend makeover and turns all dark and pale and evil and even decapitates someone! This is a...
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident Square Roots - Episode 494 Quest Log: 0:30:30 Level Up: 1:44:30 We solve some train mysteries and rewrite train histories on this exciting episode of Square Roots! Mario can get bad ended as a ghost, so this is a pretty great...
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat Square Roots - Episode 493 Quest Log: 0:30:22 Level Up: 1:29:20 The gang takes Mario a-treasure huntin' in this week's episode of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. We meet a new bomb friend, beat up a ghost skull, and get involved in…
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The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza
The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza Square Roots - Episode 492 We ignore the idea that 2016 is ten years ago as we get to the end of 2025 and talk about the game of the year from the games we played for the podcast this year (from the main show) as well as our own 2025 game of the year...
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Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK!
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK! Square Roots - Episode 491 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 1:25:30 This week's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by The Glitz Pit, just off I-275 at Hillsborough Avenue. Bring your Switch, play some of Nintendo's beloved Paper Mario…
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About this show
Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
Hosted by
John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa
Categories