Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column
by Mike Ricker
Toke up to this whimsical, narrated Cannabis Column that infuses contemporary observations from an old school perspective. The name Stoney Baloney says it all; a weekly grab bag of ingredients that's sure to be infused with lots of salty flavors to make it taste delicious.
Episodes
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#314 - The Word Perfect
Have you ever heard the phrase for lack of a better word? It means that you're searching your vocabulary to find the most applicable language that best represents what you're trying to convey. Sometimes you don't have the exact word, but by using this phrase, you make it known that your intention...
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#313 - Your GPS Lied to You
The tragic miscalculation of digital driving directions can be the cause of great stress. Because when you're lost, everything appears foreign. Your surroundings are unfamiliar, you find yourself flustered and exposed. This is a dark and confusing place where suddenly every turn, every sidewalk,...
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#312 - Dogtism
Autism is not funny. If you're poking at a human being, that is. But if it's an animal (or an insect, or a fish, etc.), you have the license to say whatever you want because the concept seems ridiculous. It's not an official veterinary diagnosis. Cannabis experiences the same plight, in that, if...
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#311 - The Triumphant Return of the Mustache
Since the first Caribbean pirate washed down his minnow stew with peppercorn spiced rum, the mouth mane has stood as a solid sign of masculinity. However, as hair trends wane and wax, the last thirty years or so have not been friendly to the man stache. Like, if you donned a thick one and a…
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#310 - I Miss Guitar Hero
Let's face reality. The world is a much less rocking place now that a landfill somewhere is stacked with obsolete Guitar controllers. It's kind of sad that gone are the days when all you had to do was turn on the television, throw a strap around the neck, and instantaneously morph into an…
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#309 - Grease is the Word
Have you ever heard a dude say that he would still bed Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island, even if she's currently 110 years old? Well, the same goes for Sandy in Grease. In fact, if those rambunctious teenaged gearheads hadn't soiled her white blouse, she might have remained a virgin. In my mind,...
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#308 - My WiFi Divorced Me
The union of marriage is a sanctimonious institution that has effectively been the glue that has bound our species for millennia. Without that legal commitment, which has basically stood as a contract between two people to agree to love each other til death do them part, we'd be an...
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#307 - Black Licorice is Vile
I think it is the devil's candy. Call me broken, but when the thought of black licorice enters my thoughts, I immediately picture the odd fuck from Lemony Snickets hiding a sinister grin behind his outreached hand that is gripping black licorice like it's a bouquet of dying flowers. Or that...
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#306 - Two to Tango
We've all heard that it takes two to tango. But have you ever known anyone who ever tried tangoing? No, you haven't. Is tangoing even a word? Everyone has tried to Limbo, but even though these two world renowned dances sound like they could be kissing cousins, their originations came from…
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#305 - Traffic Magic
The moment your automobile doors are shut with the driveshaft engaged; the contest is underway. Regardless of who is behind the wheel of other vehicles competing for space on the road, your primary objective is to circumvent them to save precious minutes enroute to your destination. And although...
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#304 - Marry The Ketchup
Anyone who's ever worked in a restaurant knows that when you have two half-empty bottles of the world's most popular condiment, you pour one into the other to make one of them appear fresh and new while the other gets tossed. It's called marrying the ketchup. That's a figurative term. But what if...
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#303 - Dragon Ass
Dragon ass should not be confused with dragging ass. Dragging ass is something we all do when our energy is low, especially in the moments upon waking before the requisite black brewed stimulant sparks the body's motor that consumes fuel and burps exhaust. We all know that feeling of lethargy.…
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#302 -The Happiest Place on Earth
If you missed going to Disneyland as a kid, there's a part of you that feels like you got Jipped. Maybe your parents provided a solid upbringing, but if you never felt those nervous butterflies before crossing the threshold into the imaginarium where animation blends with real life, you may be…
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#301 - Worrying About the Wrong Shit
If you think about it, much of your precious time is spent future tripping over things that have never happened, or most likely will never happen. Because in your mind, living with concern is a necessary means to survival, oftentimes spent devising some sort of escape strategy, calculating the…
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#300 - Joint Effort
Friendship, it's potentially the most imperative virtue in life. Because without some form of reflective exchange with another living animal, it's nearly impossible to apply meaning to our existence. In fact, since our great grandfather times a hundred Erg the Nomad wandered the plains foraging…
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#299 - Tacky Khaki
Khaki is a baby boomer color. They used to be into safaris. You see, fifty years ago they were the ultimate adventure, which is why these dust-colored outfits are made with waterproof panels and leftover mosquito net that blend with the Serengeti. Now, I'm not making fun of all boomers, just the...
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#298 - Sex is Like Baseball
To be great at America's favorite pastime, you only need to succeed three out of every ten attempts. We're talking about getting hits in baseball here, not getting lucky between the sheets. However, for you men out there, the numbers are pretty much the same. For every ten times you try, if you…
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#297 - Wetting the Bed
I know, you're wondering if this is a topic that really needs to be discussed. Or can we just bundle it up and toss it in the washing machine, pretending it never happened. And my response is that it does need to be discussed for two reasons. The first being because it's good to create healthy...
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#296 - Your Time is Now
Humans have been walking upright for nearly 200 million years. The average life span of a Neanderthal was 32 years. The number of people that have existed over this course of time is, well, a shitload. And through all of that, you are here now. The fact that you are reading this now is proof.…
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#295 - Pinky Swears Are Binding
Yes, pinky swears are a lighthearted agreement rarely enforced, but we all know that there exists a code with the intention of not being broken. Because in this sue happy world of painful litigation, if we don't respect the sanctimony of a real deal, then why agree to it in the first place?…
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#294 - The Shit We Do When We're Drunk
Make bad decisions. End of story. Well, there's more actually. See, we all know that It's difficult to think clearly when gazing through the glowing lens of beer goggles. Because when everything in your periphery is enhanced by fuzzy Glamour Shot lighting, the miscalculation alarm can be severely...
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#293 - Getting Socks as a Gift
There's not a damn thing wrong with socks. Hell, life without them just wouldn't be as cozy. In fact, I can't say that there's a more soothing sensation than pulling up a brand spankin' new pair of cotton fluffiness over the feet. It's a reward for those soldiers, a way of thanking them for…
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#292 - Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
Everyone loves being told they are wonderful. That simple sound of adulation flowing off another person's tongue can have the most pleasing chemical rush on the brain, pushing the dopamine swiftly to the receptors, instantly unlocking any tension while lifting the corners of the mouth towards the...
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#291 - Let's Taco Bout It
Who doesn't love tacos? I mean, this juggernaut of Mexican culture easily rivals the hamburger when competing for most delectable item in the food pyramid. And whether you like your fillings grilled, deep fried, or sauteed, there is only herding the ingredients into a tortilla and wrapping that...
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#290 - Wookies
The brain needs oxygen so the body yawns. And upon rising from the pillow one overcast morn, there was a gurgled effect and a peculiar pitch out of the mouth that seeded my core with suspicion. Oddly, it resembled an anxious Chewbacca sending a 'let's get the fuck outta here' to his not so…
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#289 - Problem Solving is Easy
I've got a secret for anyone paying attention. So long as you're alive, you're always going to be dealing with complications on some level. Yes, sometimes more than others, but there is no avoiding the hard cold fact that there will never be a day when you don't have to generate a solution of…
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#288 - Father Time Is Undefeated
No matter how well you take care of your body, gravity will eventually pull you back to earth to be reclaimed by the soil. And although very smart people on this planet have developed stunning scientific methods to prolong the everlasting blink, when your train is whistling into the station…
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#287 - Boogers Are Influential
The finger reaches into the hole. And why not? Although this appendage often sits idle, like an old motor, it is a tool best maintained with regular use. And as the subconscious wanders into aimless thought while tediously inching through rush hour traffic, the instinct directs the fingernail...
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#286 - Urine Love
Discussing urine sounds disgusting. Afterall, what we're referring to is liquid waste that is excreted from your body. And it's generally yellow. If you've taken your vitamins, that is. But when you really break it down, it's just water that regulated your system so that it functions optimally.…
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#285 - Exercise the Demons
I'm going to be the voice of reason right now by telling you that you gotta get your cardio in. That's just how it is. You see, the reason we have bodies at all is because gravity pulls matter toward the earth and your muscles have developed into what they are today because of that resistance…
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#284 - Cursing is Liberating
When venom is coursing through your embroiled veins, it feels good to let out an exultant fuck. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find any single word in the English language so versatile. Call us unrefined, but when you have such an effective expression that is so interchangeable simply by…
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#283 - The Purse Purse
Ladies, you've got it all figured out. All Hell could be breaking loose, but so long as you're armed with that imperative satchel that keeps your vitals accessible, you'll always be ready for the world. This is your most necessary accessory, accentuating the confidence that proves you're an...
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#282 - Father Time is Undefeated
No matter how well you take care of your body, gravity will eventually pull you back to earth to be reclaimed by the soil. And although very smart people on this planet have developed stunning scientific methods to prolong the everlasting blink, when your train is whistling into the station…
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#281 - I Share That Sediment
We all know the 10-second rule. When you drop a piece of food, if you pick it up within ten seconds you have beaten the decomposition clock, essentially rescuing the item from the armies of crazed little germs that lie in waiting for food fumbles. In your mind's eye, these microscopic creatures…
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#280 - The Drunchies
Remember that movie where the guy is dying of thirst in the desert, and he keeps thinking that he sees water up ahead, but it's only a mirage? Well, that is what your brain is doing when it tells you that if you drink more alcohol, you'll feel better. And be more amazing. And be a more amazing...
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#279 - The Tao of Pho
Back before the millennium, there was a Tao of everything. There was a book called The Tao Of Pooh, and even a movie called The Tao Of Steve. Never had the West been so interested in Eastern culture as America fused the secrets of the Orient with other crazes of the modern era. Suddenly, trends...
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#278 - Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving Las Vegas is like coming down off cocaine. It sucks. Well, probably because you are coming down off cocaine. Because there's nothing fun about returning to your mild-mannered desk job after getting a taste of what it's like to be a rock star. In fact, no one ever said, "Thank God that's...
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#277 - What a Title!
Alexander the Great, what a fucking name! But how much do you actually know about him? Sure, he was a successful conqueror and all, but how successful do you have to be in your lifetime, or how many asses do you have to whoop, to deserve the title "the Great"? I mean, a guy can call himself that...
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#276 - Your GPS Lied To You
The tragic miscalculation of digital driving directions can be the cause of great stress. Because when you're lost, everything appears foreign. Your surroundings are unfamiliar, you find yourself flustered and exposed. This is a dark and confusing place where suddenly every turn, every sidewalk,...
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#275 - Dropped Calls Are Life-Changing
"I can hear you; can you hear me?" This is the sound of modern frustration. "Hello? I'm here, are you there?" Dumb question, right? I mean, yes, they are obviously still there, having not spontaneously combusted into a pile of ash or vaporized into a pool of bong water. You're both very much in…
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#274 - The Consumption Assumption
Boy, do we take things for granted, or what? I mean, sure we could dedicate our precious moments toward considering the possibility of where we might be if these ant piles called cities weren't constructed before our birth, but who the heck has time to reflect on the persistence of humanity and…
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#273 - No Yourself
No one wants to be lonely. Human beings need social interaction. Which explains why the smart phone is truly your bestie because it will always respond to you brightly, saturating your glowing face with reverence. Even at your most compromised moments when the eyes are drooping and the teeth need...
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#272 - The Salad That Changed Everything
A handful of times in your life, an event will occur that creates a personal shift and reorganizes your priorities. It is these clear moments of revelation that procure the cornerstones you will one day harken back to, as the rare incidents almost always happen when you are subconsciously ready,...
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#271 - How Shit Works
The longer you stick around on this cylindrical manifestation of matter in this expansive space of coalescing energy, the more you understand how the forces of alchemy interact to create this experience. And the better you become at surrendering to how the laws of physics and metaphysics…
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#270 - Anti-Social Media
It's getting extremely difficult to differentiate between feelings in the cyber world and the real world. I mean, how do you know the true intention of someone who communicates with smiley faces blowing heart kisses, or gushes copious amounts of tears when they find something to be funny, yet…
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#269 - Pot Purri (Originally Posted as Episode #18)
My roommate had a bag of Funyuns. I had a bag of Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos. My other friend had brought over a bag of Sour Cream Ruffles with ridges that he mistakenly left on the coffee table the night before next to the bong, the rolling tray, and the dab rig. There was a Domino's pizza box...
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#268 - LMFAO (Originally Posted as Episode #36)
We all know what this means, right? But in case you've been held hostage in a dental office waiting room for the past decade tortured with easy listening music and nine-month-old gossip magazines, it's an acronym for Laughing My Fucking Ass Off. Which implies that someone is overcome with a…
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#267 - Sometimes You Fart (Originally Posted as Episode #153)
It's unfortunate, I know. No one is proud of this fact. Well, ok, there are some dudes who boast their ass exhales as an exclamation point to their manhood, but for the rest of us without some lingering infancy poop disorder, farts can be embarrassing. Especially when you do it and someone sneaks...
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#266 - Karate Kids (Originally Posted as Episode #39)
I'll tell you something, in about 10 years, you bullies better watch your asses. That's because you do not want to mess with a dude who's been well-trained in martial arts as a kid. And these days, it's awfully popular with the youngins who aren't too down with team sports. Some of them are…
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#265 - Trigger Happy (Originally Posted as Episode #159)
It sure seems like everyone has a trigger or fifty these days. Not to say that people haven't always been fragile, but now we have classified the proper terminology that pinpoints that moment where something clicks like a slipped disc in your mind and propels you down a rabbit hole of…
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About this show
Toke up to this whimsical, narrated Cannabis Column that infuses contemporary observations from an old school perspective. The name Stoney Baloney says it all; a weekly grab bag of ingredients that's sure to be infused with lots of salty flavors to make it taste delicious.
Hosted by
Mike Ricker