The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast

Doctor Henry wants some tiki-taka and chocolate that sh*ts. Josiah displays Martin Tyler-levels of bias, and did you know that he went to East Asia last year? Both eat chocolate for Jesus and the Pope. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast at Easter.

Daman's got special plans for Mo Salah and Northwick Park Hospital. Josiah and Mo are rooting for Gary from Harrow. It's still capitalism, guys, on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.Follow Daman on Instagram for brill sketches and updates on where to see him live this year.And tickets are available now to see Jason Thurston in Edinburgh this August. He is bringing the Festival to this year's Fringe. Follow him on Bluesky, too, for regular updates on his brilliant life.

Lawyer Sikisa loves her some defence. Josiah can't get angry. Both enjoy The Dead Gossip Derby. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.Listen to Sikisa on Wrestle Club UK Podcast and look out for her at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.And whilst you're there, go and see Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston just for the sake of it! The show runs from August 3rd-9th with tickets available now! Shows on the 4th and 5th are 2-4-1. Follow him on Bluesky, too, if you like.

Drew will be a referee if football fans start being NICE. Josiah's at war with Pete Winkleman and Cranberry Sauce. Both play Christmas-themed Top Tens galore and ALSO rank the Top Ten Scandals in Football. Gift-wrapped and packed to the brim, do enjoy Christmas down the pub with The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Merry Chrimbles, everyone!

Bella's on a Bang On The Door vibe. Josiah's such a complicated person. Both enjoy the peak of pop music from 2011-2014. Feel the Bangarang on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Ruby's off to The Garage Disco™. Josiah wants an invite to chant writing down the pub. Just Let It Go and bunker down for a Christmassy Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Enjoy Ruby's impressions on TikTok and Instagram. And whilst on your cursed social media devices, head over to The Rosebuddies Instagram page where everyone's favourite moral compass, Crunston Colin Marmalazou, is giving us one video a day this December as a part of his Merry Crunstmas Advent Calendar. Merry Crunstmas!

Mauro has big plans for tourism in Sardinia. Josiah loves him some shithousery. Juventus love them some stealing. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

’Tis the big 5 0 for the poddy! And what better way to celebrate than reshaping the entire football league based on geographical desirability? That’s a rhetorical question because it’s already been done.  Josiah and Ben love their travels. Josiah will visit anywhere with a football team. Ben will visit anywhere with a brown road sign. On their expeditions, they’ve often asked themselves the same questions: ‘Is The UK actually quite naff?’ ‘Does that naffness make it beautiful?’ ‘Is everywhere actually just the same?’ ‘There’s always a Tesco Express.’ Well now is the time for a good old-fashioned ranking of the 92 places in the football league that represent football teams that may as well just be the same place. Josiah and Ben haven’t been to all of them, but Google sure has. And no spoilers (!!!!), but let’s just say supporters of Harrogate Town and Tottenham Hotspur are about to get their lives flip-turned upside down. It’s The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast - 50th Episode Special! A PDF of our new football league skyscraper can be found here. Walk around Accrington here. Speen can also be found here. Great stuff. Timecodes if you wish: (08:59) - League Two (27:17) - League One (54:35) - Championship (01:22:18) - Premier League

Alex recommends growing up with Travis Kelcie and invites you to tommy's. Josiah loves a Randy and shows off his 90's rap knowledge. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Indulge yourself with Alex's sketch work on Instagram and catch him doing improv with The Free Association from time to time.

Anna's got good distraction tactics. Josiah's got an ant infestation. Let's all make the whales happy and meditate to The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Trinity's skipping to the end. Josiah's enamoured with Brice Samba. England have got Sunday in the bag [TO BE EDITED OUT IF THEY HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY NOT GOT IT IN THE BAG]. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Mairéad's hyping her boys. Josiah's equipment capitulates at the mention of Love Island. Memphis Depay needs a roast dinner. It's Underdogs v Hot Guys on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Listen to Craic On with Mairead Doyle Heffernan wherever you get your wicked poddies. Tickets for Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston are also available now! Please buy some. He really needs this.

Isaac admires football's rules lawyer. Josiah knowingly gives himself heartburn - it's a special occasion after all! Both rank their Top Ten non-footballing celebrities in football. By the patron saint of Steve Cooper, it's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Josiah's off t'other side of ' world for a few weeks (if three weeks counts as a few) - which seems to make this an appropriate time to look back on the series gone by so far, reveal deleted chatter from every episode, and even 20 minutes of a top secret lost episode that has yet to be released! Wow. The drama never ceases. Not here. On The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Toussaint wants birdsong at the footy and would be concerned if young millionaires were serious about the game. Josiah's a hard-man and needs some walnuts. The first word's gonna be crucial in this one. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Follow Toussaint on Instagram for some reet funny stuff.

Tiff's got double entendres for days and builds a premium football club. Josiah just can't beat the next level on Royal Match. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Catch Tiff in Slotherhouse now, see her live during the Edinburgh Fringe, listen to her on Catharsis, and follow her on Instagram and all. That's most senses covered.

Ben's on the hot squash and tells tales of Mr P. Josiah's very sleepy and recently fell down a hill. Both reshape the League One table based on geographical desirability and rank the Top Ten best names in all of football. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. We are putting on a free preview of Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston as we seek feedback ahead of the Camden Fringe. We would love to have you there. You can also watch Ben's star-turn in Pete The Panda right now, if you so wish to.

Tom emulates Danny Murphy's consummate professionalism. Josiah's on the fence about Graeme Souness. Both reveal the line-ups of Cute and Butters five-a-side teams and rank the Top Ten worst football commentators/pundits. Bloody hell, Gareth! It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Do enjoy Sam Matterface here at his absolute best. And do also catch Tom's star-turns in The Rosebuddies Sketchtacular, a comedy special that doesn't feel a day older than 18 months, and Come Die With Me, a beautifully shot film in a beautiful flat.

Shiny wants football to be more operatic. Josiah has a scintillating anecdote about a parcel that he recently received - oh, the life that he leads! Foda-se, Porto! It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. If you're a keen video editor, or just enjoy the sultry tones of Shiny's voice, listen to The Video Editing Podcast today and until the end of time!

Riya and her Midas touch need only watch halves of football at a time. She appears at (24:24). Jordan enjoys her role as Rylan in the first half. Josiah enjoys players breaking rules creatively. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. If, like Riya, your sense of humour is broken and/or you like photos of lions, do enjoy her TikTok and Instagram accounts.

Jordan distances herself from The Krays and has some words for West Ham fans. Josiah aspires to be Robbie Nock and wishes Forest could sign Stanley Nwabali. Both rank their Top Ten footballers that give them maternal/paternal instincts. It's an Alternative Football Commentary Podcast fit for a final. Do listen to The Monthly Tea with Jordan C for your monthly pop culture fix.

Rhianna wants to invade the pitch. Josiah just watched 'Argylle' (2024) to get out of the house. Both enjoy a giggling lukewarm Prawn Pad Thai. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Enjoy Rhianna's musings on Film and TV on 6 Music with Lauren Laverne on Monday mornings, and 5 Live with Nihal Arthanayake on alternating Thursdays. Inside Cinema is also worth your time.

Matt founds Betty FC and spots a lot of ball-kicking. Josiah enjoys unfiltered train chat and starts political talk far too late in the match. To be continued... It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Do enjoy Matt's runnings and explorings on his YouTube Channel.

Jess revolutionises the yellow and red card system. Josiah dreams of Steven Bartlett. Less talking, more violence please! It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Jessica Fostekew is on tour from Feb! See dates and tickets here.

Matt drinks Magnum and just watched 'The Accountant' (2016). Josiah wishes they were playing tabletop basketball. The quality of football is genuinely appalling. It's the first Alternative Football Commentary Podcast of 2024. Recorded at 'The Createry' in Nottingham: https://thecreatery.co/ Love the sound of 'The Accountant'?! Check out its IMDb page here: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3889816/

In the traditional curtain-raiser with two TAFCP regulars, Sean orders some Pornstar Martinis up in this bitch, the LU'ON emerges from Ben, and Josiah runs scared of ASMR. Josiah and Sean also rank the Top 10 most iconic footballers of the 2000's. It's the launch of Series 3 of The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. #We'reAllInThisTogether

Josiah and Ben recap the second series of The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast in a bumper, leviathan of an episode. Every guest's fantasy teams are ranked, their anthems bellowed and the winner is left with a BIC lighter. The pair also try PRIME for the first time and Josiah tries to win money for half-time entertainment.On the fast train from London to Leeds that takes exactly 2 hours and 14 minutes? Then strap in. This podcast is taking you there.It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Isaac finds football to be shockingly brutal. Josiah thinks Mickey Thomas is dead for some reason (he isn't). It's a Hollywood-adjacent Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Sean gushes over Vince Vaughn. Josiah gushes over Tom Pullin. Both gush over this cinematic excellence. It's a fabulously festive Alternative FILM Commentary Podcast.

Kalisha's backing Cameroun. Jordan's backing away from Drake. Josiah loses control of his mic. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Ben's aliases grow vast. Josiah forgets it's bin day. The World Cup is confused by Winter. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Today's episode is brought to you in association with The Rosebuddies Sketchtacular. "What's that?", you ask. Google it. Or click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdSvOpL0TwU&t=38s Also, as mentioned in the episode, do buy your candles here, if you feel so obliged. Or even if you don't! Buy them here: https://therecycledcandlecompany.co.uk/

Holly connects with crisps. Josiah recalls past complaints. A New Year is born, and with it: The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Check out Holly's work and socials, if you wish: @hybridgames_workshops; www.hybrid-games.co.uk

Josiah enjoys the foibles of remote access and the timeliness of using the format. Drew likes Cromer and doesn't know when the podcast ends. Ding Dong Merrily on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast!

Ben has a film idea stolen. Josiah frets over copyright infringement. It's a chilled out, peaceful and summery Alternative FILM Commentary Podcast. Josiah also has a follow-up message: My sincerest apologies precede the following statement. For the first 21 minutes and 34 seconds of this special, the sound is pretty patchy and wacky. I hold myself to high standards with my work and I am incredibly disappointed in this oversight. Unfortunately, the issue was brought to my attention (by myself) when it was too late and, though I have learned a lot about audio editing over the years I have been making this podcast, it was just, very much like a Jefferson Lerma thunderbolt, unable to be saved. At this point in our lives, both myself (Josiah Ward) and Ben [Redacted] live in different cities (London and not-London, if you're interested), and it just didn't make logistical sense for me to pay to take a train up to where Ben lives, lug my heavy audio equipment, set it all up again and, most annoyingly, watch the first 20 minutes of the film 'Yesterday' again. Add to that I would have had to remember everything I said previously word-for-word, and I can't even do that now having listened to the episode this morning. You could also argue that Ben could visit me in London. But, as any of you who don't live in London can, I'm sure, empathise with, why would he want to come into London? You only get one set of lungs in life. Though I hold myself to the highest of standards, I'm sure you'd agree that putting in more effort to record a pokey little commentary for a film that the screenwriter put into writing it would be rather ludicrous. As a result, I have put in a good 15 minutes of my time in to drafting this statement instead. That's almost as long as the audio issues lasted for. Christ, time is strange. And we're all running out of it! Anyway. As a gesture of goodwill, I will be making the first 21 minutes and 34 seconds of this podcast free to air as a sincere apology for putting you, the listeners, under an arduous ordeal. Alternatively, please skip to 21:34 if the issues do irk your brain. Though I do have to say, you will miss some cracking content if you do. Finally, thank you all for your continued patience and support. I will not release another statement for 21 years and 34 months in a show of solidarity with all of you. Peace out, much love and goodbye. JW x

William enjoys some FIFA LARP. Josiah needs to stop saying Holland. Jordan provides half-time entertainment. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Tommi gets intensely patriotic. Josiah talks Robot Wars. We all wish Christian Eriksen a full and healthy recovery. The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Jordan wants a footballer. Josiah wants a good national anthem. Gin wants Fanta Fruit Twist. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Tommi demonstrates a strong lexicon. Josiah pushes his libtard agenda. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Sean founds the WWF and his predicting reaches new heights. Josiah has new clichés and is left shooketh by the end. An Alternative Football Commentary Podcast fit for a final.

Josiah plays 'The Dwight is Right'. Ben gives goss on Eddie Howe's parking space. Football returns with synthetic fans. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. BLACK LIVES MATTER The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast supports the Black Lives Matter movement. Below are a list of materials that I have found insightful. However, this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what is available. Listen, learn, be active and grow. :) x Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZgkjEdMbSw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YCu5B6AMoQ Read: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/381ddbb1-e493-4875-86da-4fa4368ef839 https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zq66dp3 Sign: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#petitions https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/325449 Donate: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#donate https://www.gofundme.com/f/homeless-black-trans-women-fund?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=m_pd+share-sheet

Josiah and Ben watch an intriguing and unique film from a previous university coursemate. Ben smashes a glass. It's a Summery Alternative FILM Commentary Podcast. Watch the film here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVBGqShk6sw&t=2s

Josiah makes a trailer. It's 64 seconds of The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Josiah and Ben discuss and dissect all of the relevant and irrelevant self-isolation-based action with an appropriate level of self-indulgence. A sort-of-winner is crowned and their housemates make an appearance!

Josie wants Zlatan to sing. Sandra plays The Sims. Tommi plays Cupid. Josiah's Mum gets shy. Josiah watches his favourite television clip ever. It's Part Four of the Self-Isolation Specials. Divulge in: Russian Submarine - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVBGqShk6sw Tommi's IMDB - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm10424713/

Master predictor Sean strikes again. Josh wants more Tom. Brad has opinions. Reu claps, live! Josiah's been learning keyboard without a keyboard. It's Part Three of the Self-Isolation Specials. Listen to Josh Legg's band Peppytones' new EP, 'Keeping Busy': https://open.spotify.com/album/7ljwQmtI7hJJWfjrCtePoE

Drew wants the best for Marcus Rashford. Birthday boy Jamie has a roaring coal fire on the go. Tom has an audience. Joe is looking forward to Wrap Wednesdays. Josiah might have run out of minutes. It's Part Two of the Self-Isolation Specials. Feel free to check out: Jamie's IMDB - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3889816/ Joe's videos - https://www.facebook.com/HampshireFireService/

Josiah eats cake. Ben loves Marek and The Muppets. Jenny's on a Summer Holiday. Matt loves a wildcard. It's Part One of the Self-Isolation Specials. Follow @pillarofmatt on Instagram too, if you fancy it.

It's all very quiet all of a sudden. Content shall prevail again. It's Series Two Episode Two of The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Everything's new. Everything's the same. Josiah has new games, music and structure. Tom wants to buy Worcester City FC. It's Series Two Episode One of The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Josiah actually loves Love Actually, Tom is very sleepy, Sean can't wait for his cameo. It's a festive alternative FILM commentary podcast.