The Brothers Deeney

 Does the film live up to the title? No. It's your classic "girl puts scarf on a sexy snowman with abs and it comes to life and the village all believe him and they end up rattling" story. Packed to the gills with Mean Girls references and even a mention of A Christmas Prince. Netflix love reminding us of just how much shit they've made. Last one of this run, be sure to check out all our other episodes on terrible Christmas films. Merry Christmas to you and please never change. Support the show

 Father Christmas is coming to town. A town in Yorkshire to be precise. Do you like bad acting, contrived plots, sarcastic sex scenes, vandalised Christmas trees, and no jokes? Then do I have a film for you!This one's definitely on the naughty list. A surreal blend of boring and slapstick that appeals to absolutely everyone... that reads the Daily Express. The moral we take from all this is that, no matter how terrible your script, Kelsey Grammar can still weave his magic. Support the show

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why... Holidate is awful. Just bloody awful. We're up to our old tricks reviewing terrible Christmas films and I'm ashamed to say, we picked this one. It's crass, it's not funny, it's boring, the characters are horrible, there's no chemistry, it's all in a bloody shopping mall. Bon appetite! Oh and excuse the weird non sequitur about "lady buffets".Support the show

 Merry Christmas everyone (you can't even say that any more apparently my dad told me) and welcome back to the Book of Noel: our crazy adventure into Christmas's darkest stocking. Today, we clearly haven't learnt our lesson and are talking about the sequel to a film we all hated and we hate this one slightly less, but that means it works less as a piece of entertainment. Given there's so little to talk about here, we end up deciding which of the Mean Girls characters is most likely to soil themselves. Silent niiiiiight.... Support the show

The final one of 2023 and it's a doozy. The Princess Switch is a cinnamon sprinkled malarial dream and no mistake. It takes all the best bits of Trading Places and Comedy of Errors and completely ignores them. It glorifies all monarchies like all of these f***ing things do, and reminds us all that all you need to do to find the one, is to start proceedings with knockabout deceit. Hudgens is good company, though. Merry Christmas Support the show

That's better! Proper Hallmark nonsense. Never before has a movie had lower stakes. It's your classic boy meets girl, boy gets girls... that's it. Set in smalltown USA, we felt absolutely back home here after the car crash that was Christmas on Mistletoe Farm.Support the show

 Prepare yourselves... For something so foul it sends zombies back into the ground, vampires back to their coffins, and Frankensteins back to their labs. This. Is. Mistletoe. Farm. Easily the worst film we've ever reviewed/seen. Seriously, we dare you... we DARE you to watch this abomination. It ruined films for the both of us and now we only watch flick books and them zoetrope things at the Media Museum in Bradford. We thing it might be a bit like the ring in that we're gonna get done in by a lass from out of a telly if you don't watch it and pass on the curse. Awful, awful business. Support the show

This film is great. Yeah, we're shocked too. The world's best handsome writer has a mum that's dead now and meets a lady who's mum isn't dead but it feels like it. They fall in love and its genuinely touching. Join two men gushing over a Hallmark romcom. Support the show

 Netflix describes this movie as "feel good". Don't believe them as you won't feel ANYTHING. A Christmas Chronicle was the vanguard of the Netflix Christmas vehicle that spawned two sequels. TWO! It's trash. If you like Kurt Russell so much you'll watch anything with him in it; even Escape from LA, even Deathproof, even Crypto... Id' still recommend you stay away from this. It's a lot of things, but most of all it's boring. Conal and Joe do share their favourite Christmas presents ever though. That's a good bit. Support the show

It's Christmas time, that means it's time to delve into the Netflix Christmas Universe and this time we've gone for the big one: A Christmas Prince. Do you like vague European monarchies? Have you ever posed as a personal tutor to get a scoop for a magazine? Have you never heard of Aldovia either? If the answer to any of those questions is "yes", this could be the video for you.Support the show

We know, we know. It's been an embarrassingly long time, but we're back now. Shut up!In this, the last episode of the series, we look at something very close to our hearts and our new branding: brothers. So many good brothers: the Marxes, the Kemps, them Roman ones that drank off a wolf. Add to that list the brothers Deeney and we've got ourselves a podcast. We don't ask that you like us, we only demand that you love us unconditionally. Support the show

We're back (sorry about the delay) for the penultimate episode of the series and what a ride it has been. This time the Brothers Deeney turn their hand to the wonderful world of weird animals. These aren't the one you'll see on a family crest (even though Deeney has a snake on its crest. Fact.). These are the animals you have to call a professional to get rid of. Ugly, slimy, spikey, and just generally minging, these are the creatures that make you challenge your faith and lock your doors. Oh, and Joe went to a sperm bank. What an episoide description!Support the show

Grandma we love you. And we really do. Pack your pyjamas in a bag, you're staying at your nanna's tonight. Grandmas are an amazing, often patronised group that pass on their invaluable wisdom for no fee other than a wrinkly kiss upon parting. Without grandmas we wouldn't be, and we're eternally grateful for that. Ignore the weird political beliefs and quaint insistance on things being done in a very particular way and you've got yourself the best people going. Coincidentally, Conal and Joe have EXACTLY the same grandparents. Weird. Sazzie doesn't. Support the show

What's scarier than being away for six weeks? Nothing, that's what. Yes, we're back and scarier than ever with a whole 50+ minutes dedicated to all the scariest stuff. Heights, spiders, confidend spaces, the number 13, and even spoons. It seems like there's a phobia for everything. One thing you shouldn't be afriad of though, is supporting us on Patreon. Link below and that xSupport the show

Last one! Thank fuck for that. Lindsay Lohan sees us through to the day itself with a bawdy romp through actual snow with an INSUFFERABLE fiancee and a heart of gold.. after she gets knocked out by skiing.Again, this is a 50/50 split: Conal and Lizzy love it, Joe and Sazzie... well they think differently. It's shit. This is Joe, hello!Thanks everyone for making this so much fun. We'll be back next year. If you have any suggestions of terrible Christmas films for us to review, let us know on [email protected] the show

This is the best one. Best film, best episode. Do you like your dialog hokey? How about your characters annoying? And your plot somehow predictable and a total mess? Well have we got a Christmas detour for you! Join us as we go on the magical journey of Paige, a wedding magazine writer and professional lunatic who travels across country with Dylan, a smug barman that swaggers about like he's Mr. Wetherspoon or something. But he does have a lovely smile. It's ace. Well, the boys think so. The girls actually fucking hate it. Support the show

Hellooooooo and welcome to the bonnie Highlands where the water flows like whiskey or something. Yeah, we're giving A Castle for Christmas both barrels in this episode. Joe and Sazzie liked it, Lizzy and Conal did not. What a gang of mates we are. I think we've all lost the ability to judge films correctly. It's better than Scarface.Support the show

We are a real American. Yeah, Hulk Hogan did an ill-advised Christmas film in 1996 and it's... well, you know the drill. It's nastier than the Nasty Boys; wackier than the Bushwackers; papper than Papa Shango. If you don't listen to this episode, you might accidentally watch it and then it's not our fault. We have warned you. I mean, this film really is so so so so shit. It's like a toss up between the Power Rangers and losing a beloved family pet. Support the show

Oh Dolly... Dolly Dolly Dolly. What's going on, mate? The Bridge is one of the best songs ever written. Christmas on the Square is utter utter dogshit. Seriously, this film is bad. So bad, Conal couldn't face the last six minutes of it. Listen to this podcast, but please, please don't watch this film. Replicate the experience by eating a poundshop advent calendar all at once, then being sick all over a VHS copy of It's a Wonderful LIfe. Support the show

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a man that works so hard selling mattresses or something that he forgets he has a kid that's Anakin Skywalker and is strongarmed by Tom Hanks's wife to find the hottest toy on the market on Christmas Eve. Should be the recipe for some side-splitting Christmas hijinx, no? No. It isn't. It's really bad. I mean, this film has the blackest heart. Conal and Joe are joined by their Christmas elves Sazzie Kluvitse and Lizzy Dening in providing unparralleled Christmas content for all the family (contains high-end swearing). Support the show

Beyond the rubble we can see the lesser-hair Northerner. One of the slower members of the hominid family, but nonetheless, quite remarkable. If you don't like David Attenborough, that's not David Attenborough's fault. Here we take a dive into the unpolluted pool that is the national treasure himself, the king of the jungle, it's Richard Attenborough's baby brother, David. If you like him too, let us know on [email protected] the show

 Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt, riding through the glen. Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt with two ageing men. Steal from the rich, the Patreon route. Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt.Welcome Merrie Men to the Sherwood Forest of the podosphere where we search for the legend that is the Robin Hood myth. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, but it has become one of the most loved folk tales in the world with actors from Taron Egerton to Rik Mayall donning the Lincoln green and yomping around the woods like a flat-footed Englishman. Maid Sazzie has been a bit poorly, so we're a twosome for the while. But stay tuned and she'll be back in no time. Support the show

Alrite cowardly argonauts, take a bite our of this MASSIVE podcast sandwaich. Scooby Doo is a much-loved and much-notverygood cartoon from ages ago that's still limping along to this day. It's got Scooby, a big dog that is too motivated by food and isn't funny; Shaggy, a pot head deadbeat that isn't funny; Velma, a smug nerd that isn't funny; Daphne, air-head, trophy-wife, eye-candy that isn't-funny; and Fred who isn't funny at all. Conal's done his back in and Joe sings a lot. Happy Halloween xSupport the show

For the first time, the Brothers Deeney can speak on a topic with some authority!Accepting baldness is a depressing but also life-affirming part of anyone's life, but the Joe, Conal, and to a lesser degree Sazzie (aka the best afro in South London) are here to give you the guidance necessary to live the fullest life looking a bit daft. We cover baldness much like fine hair covers a head: thinly and unconvincingly.Support the show

Up next, we have Joe and Conal singing "The Book of Nowt". Karaoke, the fear-inducing, king-making, night-ruining silliness from Japan that we all secretly enormously love. Starting back in 1971, karaoke is now a national pastime and the great equaliser on a night out. We appreciate you all  and want nothing but the best for you and your family's future. Support the show

Diane! Twin Peaks. The weirdest, sexiest, funniest, shittest, brilliantest show that's ever been. If you know the program, you should listen to the boys discussing it. If you haven't, you should still listen but you should maybe tell all your friends too. Give yourself a present and listen to our wonderful podcast with a donut and a cup of coffee. Black as midnight on a moonless night. The owls are not what they seem.Support the show

Drunk for a penny, dead drunk for tuppence!The early 18th century brought a pandemic of addiction amongst the putrid streets of old London Town. William of Orange had become king from the Netherlands and brought with him enough gin to intoxicate a nation. And drunk London was for fifty years! The Brothers Deeney get under the skin on this bizarre stretch of British history, whilst Sazzie comes along and we talk about other middle class stuff. Support the show

"I can smile and murder whiles I smile."Another jolly episode of the Book of Nowt, coming at you from a maximum security prison. Two lads lay on the comedy whilst tragedy is all around them. Murder is a horrid thing, but a horrid thing that people seem to absolutely love. Weirdly. Come and join our true crime society whilst we discuss murderers' nicknames, ideal murder weapons, and an incident with a squirrel. Support the show

We. Are. Back. After three long weeks (so long they were about ten actual weeks), the Brothers Deeney return to the podosphere to chew the fat on the hot-potch majesty that is the English Language. We cover everything from spelling reform, to language history, to favourite words, to Conal not liking asking people how they are, to even inventing our own new words. Sazzie is back to in a new(ish) feature that is well better than the quiz. And remember, give us five stars on Apple Podcasts please. Support the show

The last episode of the season is celebrated with one of the most used storytelling tropes. But is it used because it's good or because it's easy? Well... it's a bit of both. But do listen even though I've told you the ending. Conal gets annoyed at toilet attendants, Joe is delighted he has a break. We've had a blast working on this season but this we promise:THE BOOK OF NOWT WILL RETURN! Support the show

Fancy walking around commercial hell all day on a busy Saturday? Thought not. Why not just listen to this for a bit instead. IKEA is a nightmare of an experience that loads of other people think is really good but it isn't it's a nightmare. Meatballs, blue & yellow, the lights bit... what more could a person ever dream of? We also talk about our top three fruits. Important stuff. It's the penultimate show of the season. We're tired. Support the show

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one most adaptable to change”So never said Charles Darwin. It was Leon Megginson. But still, nice quote. Evolution by natural selection was first posited in 1859 in On The Origin of Species, and has been a controversial topic since. Not sure why... becasue it's amazing... and true. If this episode upsets you, great! Visit this website to register a complaint.Support the show

We did a game show episode. In The Rating Game, Conal and Joe must convince Sazzie as to their nomination for the most overrated and underrated thing in each category. We had a jolly good time making it, but it might be self indulgent crap. You be the judge. Support the show

Inside my shell I wait and bleed... or something. Remember Y2K? Remember pierced eyebrows? Remember moshing to Alien Ant Farm at Leeds Festival 2001? Yeah, it was rubbish. Here, we take to pieces a genre much-forgotten. A genre of skate parks and baggy jeans; turntable scratches and frosted tips; Durst and Levigne.Yeah, we aren't fans, but we remember it allllll too well. You are our butterflies, sugar baby.Support the show

No stooges were used in the making of this podcast. How good is Derren Brown though? He goes out there, gets inside people's heads, and leaves without making a mess. We cover all the main topics of the big man's career: prediciting lottery numbers, heists, and when our mate Kez was nearly hypnotised by a dog. Conal's been poorly with norovirus... you can only imagine the stories he has to tell. Support the show

We came here for a shootout! The Kray Twins terrorised the London clubland of the 50s and 60s, bullying gangster kingpin and innocent civiliant alike. They used fear, intimidation, violence, and charm as their primary weapons, but won court cases againt the police, so the public loved them. Weird innit. Joe and Conal are just hoping that David Bailey takes some photographs of them so they can become East End legends too. Support the show

Barcelonaaaaaaa... such a beautiful horizon.Rubbish song, charming city. Barcelona is one of the shining lights of European human settlements. A thriving hub of culture, quisine, architecture, history, and sport... but all the songs called Barcelona are still trash. Most importantly though, the Brothers Deeney discuss those little statues of men in red hats having a poo. We think you are all really fit. Support the show

It's not you, it's us. The best podcast talks about the worst feeling. You love someone to death, but they're keen to move on. None of us want it, but without it music would just be lift music. We indulge in all manner of anecdotes and opinions of love's turbulent meanderings. Conal gives us his history of ghosting and Joe regales a poem he wrote when he was 16. It's one part funny to sixty parts embarrassing. Don't break our achey breaky hearts, just listen and tell all your mates.Support the show

1991. One year higher than 1990, but a million times more valuable. This was the year of Desert Storm, Grunge, Rodney King, doing everything for you, Game Boys, and eating people's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti fefefefe!We go through this year, month by month, and see what it's left in its wake. Join us for fun, friendship, and maybe more. Support the show

Chim-chim-cheroo! And here it is... the musical worth watching. Detailing the job of a woman on a zero-hours contract, Mary Poppins has been spellbinding audiences since Beatlemania and shows no signs of a difficult breakup. With a host of talented performers, some much-discussed accents, and a surprisingly lengthy running time, this film is practically perfect in every way. We've got a quiz at the end too. Thats a good bit I reckon. Support the show

Na then, yer big duck egg. Frame thi sen an' listen ter' Book ah Naaht.In this little episode we take a world tour of the accents of the English-speaking world. We list our favourites, but not our least because we don't have any because accents are amazing. I like yours the best.Conal reveals he has an excellent, excellent Kiwi voice, and Joe struggles with Australian. What a couple of brothers these two are. Support the show

We. Are. Back. This time with a topic right up Joe's street and a tiny little bit up Conal's too. The Roman Empire! We owe them so much, but they were brutal expansionists. Love it or hate it, Ancient Rome is so interesting it makes out heads hurt. Except for laughs, facts, banter, education, reliability, emotional strength, progressive thinging, silliness, philosophy, sexual charge, philanthropy, mates, dance moves, and cool...What has the Book of Nowt ever done for us?!Sazzie's back too. What larks!Support the show

Last one and this one's a DOOZY!The Holiday. What can we say about this that Noam Chomsky hasn't said a thousand times before? It's long, it's overwritten, it's sentimental, it thinks an awful lot of itself... but it's still better than Love Actually. If you don't like this film, we have four words for you:Law. Diaz. Winslet. Black. Actually, you might have a point. Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show

 Welcome to Christmas Land. A depressing little hellhole in the middle of nowhere that will judge you no matter the time of year. This is the perfect hallmark film for the ages: a successful woman in the city with a black assistant goes to the small town she grew up in for some reason and is convinced by a local hunk with big hands that the city is fucking shit and she should stay in the place she purposefully left when she was young and cool. To be fair, this film is superb. It's the most stupid, pointless thing humaity has managed to so far achieve, but it's the very reason this podcast exists. Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show

This film is... surreal. Is it even a film? I mean it's on the telly, under the category "film", but is it? There are arguments and New York and lesbians and priests and baubles and car crashes and angels and dogs and I don't even know anymore. This film is so fucking boring. Our podcast isn't though and it's fair to say we eviscerate it.Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show

God rest ye merry gentlemen... if you ever see this film. We really scrape the bottom of the barrel of mulled wine with this one. We can't decide what's worst: the writing, the story, the dialogue, the acting, the cast, the plagiarism, or the font on the poster. Despite being miserable as Santa's funeral watching this, we actually had a jolly good time talking about and think you'll like it too because you get it and like having a lovely time. Or you could watch the YouTube videoSupport the show

We love Christmas, but the people that made "Midnight at the Magnolia" clearly don't as the thing starts on Boxing Day. Downer. This film is a load of old arse and Sazzie Kluvitse, Lizzy Dening, & the boys are in agreement on that. It features boring jazz, running through cobwebs, unhelpful radio call-ins, and two of the smuggest faces in the history of celluloid. Here's the list in full:1. Last Christmas2. Midnight at the Magnolia3. A Christmas Break-In4. A New York Christmas Wedding5. Christmas Land6. The HolidayThey're all also available on YouTubeSupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt) Support the show

In the immortal words of Shakin' Stevens, "Merry Christmas, Everyone!"In this six-part romp we delivery a deserved broadside to some of Netflix's biggest yuletide stinkers. These are:1. Last Christmas2. Midnight at the Magnolia3. A Christmas Break-In4. A New York Christmas Wedding5. Christmas Land6. The HolidayThe boys are joined by their excellent Christmas mates Sazzie Kluvitse and Lizzy Dening. In the immortal words of Elton John, "Step Into Christmas!"They're all also available on YouTube if you like using your eyes and ears together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EXL6NCLGRw&t=13sSupport the show

They DO move in herds!A podcast 65 million years in the making. That's right, the brothers Deeney are reviewing the greatest film ever made by humans. It came smashing onto our screens in 1993 like a brachiosaurus sneexing all over your sister, and has been shaking our glasses of water ever since. We celebrate Goldblum, Neil, Dern, Attenborough, Peck, and the children that are also involved in this monster hit. The boys discuss being too drunk to remember plays you've just seen, Belfast, and how a dinosaur might go about masturbating. It's the end of the season. We're tired. Support the show

Is there a greater queen than Cleopatra? Except for Elizabeth I. And Catherine the Great. And Queen Latifa. Written in the annuls of history as humanity's most suductive ruler, we lift the lid on how unfair and nonsense the annuls of history actually are. In her 39 years she did an awful lot of living and we do a really fantastic job of clipping that to a manageable hour. A great leader with an iconic look and a penchant for partying hard, Cleopatra was amazing. Nearly as amazing as this amazing podcast. Tell your friends. Support the show