The Cartoncast

UFO50 isn’t just an incredible game, isn’t just an amazing concept packed with even more awesome ideas, like some kind of gaming fractal, but it’s so unique and cool that it brought The Cartoncast back out of retirement for one last job.

Thanks to everyone who listened to our nonce for a decade straight. Vaya con huevos.

There’s nothing else to say. This is true art.

Baccano! is brilliant. I’m not even going to front with this one, guys. We both have way too much reverence for this show to do a bit about it that will do it justice. Just take our recommendation as gospel, dust off your fedoras, and get ready for one of the greatest dubbing triumphs of our generation.

Ben and Zane were worried that they were losing their street cred. They were known as the Cartoncasters, sure, but did anybody know about their detective careers? That time they saved the world? The horrible monsters they created/defeated/rebirthed? They brought Ian in to give them a makeover and to let the whole world know that they were the true Land-based Adult Action Squad.

The 90’s was a verdant era for cartoons, coming off the success of Ducktales. However, it was also the era of Tude. Ben and Zane went wandering for a decent - just decent! - protagonist, buried amongst the dross of hedgehogs’ Sonic and Zeldas’ Link. Thank goodness they were able to call in the Mighty one, Gary, to use his catalogue of all things 90’s pop culture. He revealed to them not only do such protagonists exist, but they also have electric guitars. Sold!

What’s cooler, Moonwalking or the Running Man?

Hating on CGI has become a national pastime for the cartoon-watching world, and we’re certainly no strangers. But is a good concept enough to rescue some fairly uncanny animation and flat characters? This episode features superfan Alex as he walks us through a oft-forgotten movie of the aughts. Remember to bring your walkie-talkies and bikes - you don’t want to be a dead person, do you?

Ben and Zane were reading their Bibles like they totally all the time do, when they read an odd story they weren’t familiar with. It spoke of “fruits of the ground” which “rose up to overthrow mankind” and “sing silly songs all day.” The Cartoncasters asked Ali for help. She used her expertise with vegetables to throw salt over the books and perform an exorcism. They weren’t sure that it was the holiest thing they could have done, but at least is wasn’t boring!

Ben and Zane were on the hunt for the cryptid provided in their handy dandy cryptid-a-day calendar. This one would be tricky - an astronaut-scientist-olympian-archeologist-professor moose. They called in Phil for his unmistakable expertise in all things hokey and contrived. Turns out the cryptid was more of a metaphor for the cold war than an actual moose. Didn’t work for ya? Well here’s something we think you’ll really like!

What do you get when you take an Empowered guest, an Australian Cattle Dog, an S-tier dad, and a willingness to get a bit sappy? The Cartoncasters intended to find out. They hustled around the house, putting these elements into their magic blend-o-matic until it spat out the cutest little dog show in the world. Ben and Zane had a great time, but sometimes you just need to rest after playing, you know? Time for a nap!

YouTube wasn’t always like this. Before the algorithm took hold, word of mouth and reputation were king. But unlike Flash player, not only the most internally motivated creators could make content. Enjoy our retrospective on some of the early hits in YouTube. * Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! * Electronic Supersonic * Getgoatz! * Before Dave Chapelle went full terf - Oscar the Grouch * Mario twins! (Schiggity Schiggity Schwah) * QWOP * 7 words you can’t say on tv * Diggy Diggy Hole * Everything turns into crab

Ben and Zane were rolling full steam ahead when something on the tracks caught their eyes. It was Andrew, funny little fellow he was, blocking the path of the Cartoncasters. They asked him to move but he would not. He asked them to move but they would not. So they carried him off to the smelter for reprocessing. Also they were all trains.

Ben and Zane are friends. They have fun together. They are Cartoncasters. They meet Muzzy. Big Muzzy. Nic rode past on a bicycle. Muzzy likes bicycles.

Ben and Zane were (once again) musing on what it must be like to be a tween girl. What were the social pressures like? How does one make friends? What sort of wish is worth it to damn the world, and is the world even worth saving? The Cartoncasters only knew one thing for sure: that weird cat thing was due for a beating.

There’s only so much Ben and Zane could take. In the current political climate, they were filled to burst with political satire of every kind: known knowns, known unknowns, and the reclusive unknown unknowns. They needed an expert to help them sort through the harrowing fields of political comedy, and it turns out that Dan Caves was just the man for the job. Sure, he might have prefaced every proper noun with the word lil’, but even so, they were able to say mission accomplished. Heh heh. * That’s My Bush * Festivus * Psychodrama * Innuendo Studios * The Graduate scene * Mission Accomplished remains funny * Please Clap remains funnier * Rummy - The Boondocks * The Pygmalion Effect * A Modest Proposal - The purest form of satire

Ben and Zane needed an expert to explain the changes they were noticing in their bodies. Zane was able to turn his bones into cheese, and Ben had rat sneezes. They called in Josh to explain some lore about mutations, and the X-gene, and Legends of the Hidden Temple for some reason. When we asked how genetic mutations could let someone create full rats from their nose, Josh just directed them toward 70 years worth of comic books. Could be worse, though. Could be Wolverine Origins.

Ben and Zane had high hopes for their chances on Total Podcast Island. The Cartoncasters were helpful, courteous, and completely absent of drama. And even though their team won the challenge, the host decided that they were bad TV and sent them packing. On to the real challenge: Book Deal!

In some ways, Studio trigger provides a countermelody to the anime of the 90’s. Instead of saying a lot using fairly basic animation, Promare says very little - but it says it really, really loudly. The plot construction is shallow, the characters poorly motivated, and the sense of space is almost nonexistent - and yet, this is an anime powerhouse at the very top of their game, and we found it enjoyable as hell. Let your mind wander as the regular geometries wash over you, and you’ll have a real good time too. * Gurren Lagann - Gainax’s Opus * Fried Ricer * Love at First Fight * Varys the Spider - GoT * Everything is Prome in the Future! * The Larry Craig Scandal * Lordgenome Fights a Robot Bare-handed * Futurama - Gills come Next Week

Ben and Zane were going on an absolutely wild and unhinged adventure. Just incredible stuff happening that you need to hear to believe. However, first you have to listen to an excruciating story about their recent thoracic surgery. But first, a word from our sponsors: Lice!

Welcome back to the Cartony Awards! This year featured some heavy hitters and surprising dark horses (but not a real dark horse that’s cruel). And as we round the corner toward our final year, we’re left to ponder the big questions. When are they going to fire Great Teacher Onizuka for sexual harassment? How many Sheldons are there? And just what is it about Flo from Progressive? It’s a jam-packed year of equally stupid conversations from the Cartoncast, and we humbly invite you to listen in. Our categories this year: * Best Intro * Show That we Like the Best Despite Hating a Good Half of it * Best Callback * Best Example of Random Humor * Worst Teen * Best Conspiracy Theory * Best Voice Actor Spotlight * Character Most Immune from Consequences * '“We’ve Been Meaning to Get to That” Award * Best Hot Take * Best Show

Ben and Zane were excited to take on the role of substitute teachers at the local Podcasting high school. On the day of, they realized that they didn’t know any facts! The Cartoncasters bravely wheeled in that old tube TV on the rickety wheeled platform and set up a marathon of Schoolhouse Rock! Did it meet the curriculum? Hell no. Did it still hold up? Yes… AND.

The Cartoncast has an image to uphold, you know. We can’t just have any old podcaster on staff, coming in half-cocked off of a bender, ranting about upskirt shots in video games and confessing actual, literal crimes on camera. But every so often you run into a true problem in the podcast world that can’t be solved with a meeting or a suspension. No, sometimes you need a man like Onizuka, who finds the people responsible for trolls hacking into our website, and reminds them about proper netiquette via German suplex. Just, uh… don’t talk to him on bring your daughter to work day. * The Cask of Amontillado * Professional Casual Network * Happosai is the least okay thing about Ranma * Early Installment Weirdness * Japan’s relationship with suicide * Co-coconut gun! * Waiting for Superman * …and Waitin’ for Superman * Ugly Bastard tag * Onizuka Faces * Garbage Roof

Things were rough for the Podcaster Cops down at the station. The legendary Axe Cop - yes, that Axe Cop - was making them look bad! It was up to Law Cop to give them a leg up and show them the beat. Despite learning several hundred secret kicks and foiling the impending Shark/Tiger war, they still couldn’t keep up with Axe Cop, and were forced into early retirement. It’s just as well, though. Rumor has it that the missions were being given out by a five year old. Andy Sipowicz is Flute Cop in a different life * Calvinball * Burnt Face Man is very from the flash animation era * Cromartie High School - the humming episode * Jimmy Olsen is a Lizardman because the writer felt like it

The Super Mario Bros. Movie, and Nintendo in general, does not need defenders or simps. You are allowed to like or dislike this movie on its own merits, no more and no less than The Godfather. But in the context of the previous Mario Bros film, other video game adaptations in general, and Illumination Studio’s works, this movie is a miracle. The Mario pillars of simplicity, spectacle, and polish are all on display here, so sit back and listen as the Cartoncast takes in a movie that is at once exactly what you’d expect, but also makes most of the shots it takes. Let’s a go.

Ben and Zane were having a hard time coming up with proper retribution against their old foe, the Moon (long story), and asked Josh for help. After an extensive summary of recent Japanese Game Show events, he quoted from the Book of Dan: “You don’t need to have a reason to hate, nor a plan, nor a goal. Just let it out into the world, and justice will provide.” So they gathered up some rocks and took turns throwing them off the roof of the building, hoping some would make it to the moon. They did end up taking down Sasquatch, but that’s a fascinating story for another time.

In the fallout of One Punch Man’s miraculous rise and then slow fall, Mob Psycho was somewhat overlooked by the anime community for a time. Which is a shame, because by all accounts it surpasses One’s more famous work. Ben and James gush unceasingly about this bowl-cut havin’ miracle child and his master, the greatest psychic of the modern era. * Buff guys help nerdy guy meme, specifically the wholesome versions * Mother’s basement - Mob Psycho season 2 intro * “The apple hasn’t noticed it’s been cut” * GTO! * That one scene - “It’s okay to run away” * Dragon of the Darkness Flame * Spoon Bending means Psychic * Reigen Spinoff Manga

Ben and Zane didn’t have a clue why they were recruited to handle this oil spill, but they knew who to bring in: Ian. He came on board and told them that what they really needed was a guy by the name of Captain Planet. They brought in Gaia to give them a couple power rings, then got the last ones by some unsavory methods, but eventually they were able to summon Captain Planet. He took one look at the problem, told them that “The Power is Yours,” and disappeared. They took the L and hoped that Mother Nature could take one more for the team. * They didn’t bother copyrighting “Duke Nukem” * Ted Turner: the least bad billionaire? * The Power of Attorney is Yours * Black Dynamite * “Dune Sting Underwear” Safesearch OFF * Environmentalists vs Captain Planet * Environmentalists, Nuclear Power, and Politics: IT’S COMPLICATED * RIP Lance Reddick * Dan Harmon didn’t like Vindicators * I am only doing a cursory look-up of Environmental Sabotage and Eco-terrorism * East Palestine, Ohio, train derailment * Wizard People Dear Reader Uncle Porkflaps * Soup on Paintings vs. Bank Chainings * Mona Lisa smaller than you think * Energy Consumption of Bitcoin * Gas stove culture war bullshit

The following is a choice segment from an interview between Bit Cloud, pilot of the Liger Zero from Blitz Team, and the Cartoncasters. “Look man, life’s not so easy in the post-apocalypse. Which post apocalypse? Not important. At least, not any more important than bustin’ up some fools with my mad sick liger zero moves. I’ve never met a mech I didn’t want to fight, and I never didn’t fight a mech I haven’t wanted to beat. So let’s get this show on the road, pardner! That growling either means my Liger wants to wrassle, or that I’m hungry - and I already ate! Ate what? From what food sources? Man, just from those questions I can tell you aint from around here.” * Stroheim from JoJo * Model ships in bottles * Goldar * I’m just an ex-con… * Iron Reaver Soul Stealer! * Brawndo * EVs and IVs

It’s Zane and Nic talking about Sam and Max. How on-task were you expecting it to be? Like the show, it’s mostly a bunch of bullshit (as well as one actual shit).

Inside Out is a touching, funny, beautiful movie. It has all the Pixar hallmarks, an all-star cast, and an engaging premise. But more than that, it puts the feelings of growing up into words, and gives its viewers the vocabulary to process the world as their emotions become increasingly nuanced and jumbled. An instant classic that we all wish we had when we were young. In all these ways and more, it’s kind of like Futurama.

Welcome to our 200th episode, eggberts! We could go on a whole spiel about why we chose this for such an auspicious anniversary, or do some sort of speech celebrating our run so far, but in the end we just wanted to gush about Freakazoid, so that’s what we did. For those who know this show, no additional context is necessary. For those who haven’t - you’re in for a real mint. Thanks for Josh for helping out with the intro! * ChatGPT is to blame * Robot water * Chef Brian * Hey Lady! * Hennifer Lopez * The Candlejack meme is hard to describe because * A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court * Nuklear Age * Kubrick uses the exhausted takes * The Third Man * Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night? * Frank Grimes * Napoleon Dynamite and the Lyger

The Cartoncasters are not immune to getting lost at the terminal, and wouldn’t you know it, on their way to Albuquerque they managed to reroute to Australia, where one Taz was waiting for them. Though they were initially nervous, Ben and Zane found him to be pleasant enough company, if a bit derivative. They also met 80-odd other characters, but as the saying goes, what happens in Tasmania… isn’t a whole lot. * Uncle Sam poster * Tazmanian devil and tiger are actual animals * ‘Bombable Walls’ * Meat-o-vision * Tornado Kirby * The fifty states song, yet again * Autotune and its’ origins * Angular momentum demo everyone should know

Space Jam is one of those properties that you’ve seen, even if you haven’t seen it. And if you have seen it, see it again now that you’re older. Because it's legendary status is part truth, part myth, and part confusing. This oft-cited box office bombshell has its share of faults that your kid brain might have passed over - as well as a few ‘blink and you miss it’ gags that had us rolling. Thanks for James for coming on the show and lending us some much needed basketball insights! * ‘Hare Jordan’ ad * Space jam legendary sound track * ‘Bumping the Lamp’ - Who Framed Roger Rabbit * Barkley’s Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden * Michael Jordan’s career is legitimately insane * Futurama - Looney Tunes in intro * Proprioception * Nope, I made the mistake again, it was also Chris Rock in Osmosis Jones * Michael Jordan’s gambling ‘suspension’ * Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech is psychotically petty

That’s right, babe, the Cartoncast has taken a trip back, back to the Future that is Aku. Jacky baby is back, with just a few too many of his old baggage weighing him down. Ben and Zane tried to keep him from turning back time (and from robbing the grave), but sometimes you just have to let someone keep going on their path. Rip Aku, long live Scaramouche, babe.

Welcome to Neo Yokio, the only place in the world where you can watch the All-City Gentleman’s Field Hockey game while sipping a Caprese Martini. The Cartoncasters were living the high life, blinged up in all the finery that Neo-Podcast Neo-Money can buy, when the game was interrupted by a literal devil breaking through the ground and eviscerating a player. Ichiban Kaz Kaan fought it off, but made an utter faux pas by being off-side when he banished it back to hell. It almost makes you think about the inability to feel content in the hyper-capitalist materialistic social strata. Almost.

Ben and Zane were walking through yet another spooky forest when a little bird - Josh - told them about a modern American Fairy Tale. Over the Garden Wall is cozy yet unsettling, precise yet meandering, and heartwarming yet grim. Listen to a lovely soundtrack as we discuss a whole lot of nonsense, and just slightly less heart.

Every so often you run into something that just can’t be explained. So when strange spooky noises showed up on their recordings, Ben and Zane decided to contact the experts. Resident horror expert Dan Caves agreed to take a look at the files. Long story short, the files weren’t haunted, but there was a clip detailing the evils of governmental overreach. None of them knew how it got there - it just sort of popped in there.

Ben and Zane grew tired of these new-fangled modern cartoons, and longed for an era of simplicity. But they also didn’t want to change the channel from Cartoon Network. Hark, like a throwing stick, Boomerang appeared, and brought with it five mesmerizing spectacles: A pervert rodent; a father-dog barely holding it together; A horse with a gun and a tuning problem; a double-racist janitor; and some Italians.

Hyrule was at peace, and the Cartoncasters were bored out of their Skulltulas. Legends told of a hero who would come and rescue them from their boredom, with the power of Courage the fight back the darkness. What they got instead was Link, a petty shitlord who just wanted to hit on the princess and maraud around the town. Ben and Zane enlisted James as an old wise man who knew of Link’s weaknesses, but it turned out that the Hero of Time was a totally different guy.

Ben and Zane have had it up to here with Jerry. He’s constantly kidnapping them, using brainwashing or amnesia rays, and putting them in catsuits. And now he’s tried to introduce three young women to the Cartoncasters as if that makes up for it. He licked his lips and sweated as he assured them that the girls were all over 18. Regardless, they were too boring to even interact with, let alone try to objectify. Looks like we’ll have to put out a job opening for a new English butler.

It’s always satisfying to fill in a blind spot here at the Cartoncast, and this one was a mile wide. Akira establishes the cyberpunk genre, opened the doors for anime in the west - and the anime industry in Japan - and commented upon the timely (and timeless) themes of institutional power in a time of rapid evolution. No need to be psychic to judge how we felt about this work; it’s remarkable, and stands proudly as a pillar of the industry. * The Akira Slide * Yet again, Yankii gangs in Japan * Battleship Potemkin - Odessa Steps Sequence * The Sokovia Accords * The Protomen * The Colonel? * 2001 Space Odessey ending

Things were not going well in the computer that houses The Cartoncast. Ben and Zane, you see, are dumbasses. Wikipedia was down. TvTropes was down. Their dictionary had long been destroyed because “it just had bad vibes man, y’know?” And so in desperation, they called upon the last bastions of knowledge. They asked the StoryBots: “Where buy snowcones?”

Well, it’s that time again to celebrate the holiest of holidays - Cartony season. Sure, this past year was a bit of a struggle at times, with many contenders for the spot of New Ben before the original came back to claim his title. But amongst the strife came clarity on the true nature of Santa Claus (the answer may surprise you!) as well as a higher than recommended dose of dithering about with various guests. Join us as we debate whether or not most of the things this year happened. Our categories this year: * Most Interesting Nonhuman * Best Musical Number to Worst Episode Ratio * Best Santa * Best Boy * Best Intro * Best Adoption of an Earlier Art Style * Best Conspiracy Theory * Best Ensemble Cast * Best Sibling Dynamic * Who Would Win in a Fight? * Biggest Coincidence (You’re Tellin’ Me) * Biggest Payoff for Creative Liberties Taken * Best Movie * Best Bonus Episode * Best Show

Ben and Zane - and stay with me here guys - were doing a Jesus. I mean, sure, they weren’t coming back to life or healing the sick, but they did carry around that cross for that nice priest and his weird, hungry friend. They also got into some trouble with the law and were repenting for some sinning they did in the last town over. The Cartoncasters weren’t really focused on the big-picture stuff, though, or even on the shootouts that kept happening every other day. They were too busy submitting the proper forms and playing some slick air guitars for that.

Most of the titles that cross Ben and Zane’s desk never make it to review, but they felt bad about rejecting cartoons out of line. As luck would have it, the Critique himself, our friendly neighborhood Dane Caverns came by to take the worst stuff off their hands. Within an hour, the Critique had given the most scathing criticism he could muster to the worst offenders, saving Ben and Zane from doing it themselves. With his help, the Cartoncasters will never have to review a show and proclaim… It stinks! * Professional hot scientist, NDT * Oh shit, Key was in The Pentaverate! * Matt Groening is weirdly defensive about The Critic * Rat Race happened, and we’re all upset about it * David S. Pumpkins happened and we’re still confused why * Irresistible * “Peas in July” in the Critic * … And in Animaniacs * …And Maurice Lamarche doing it in a panel * Simpsons short stories episode… The origin of Steamed Hams * Mission Hill

Egads! A gigantic monster is destroying the city! Thankfully, Ben and Zane have a direct line to the Powerpuff Girls, after an unrelated adventure where they both became the mayor. A quick call was all it would take. However, first they had to wait and listen about Bubbles’ new self-esteem issue, and the Professor’s new gadget, and a talking dog they found that’s probably evil, and on and on and on. They didn’t mind, it was all very entertaining and snappy, but, you know… the town was destroyed.

The Prince of Egypt has been lauded as one of the best told animated biblical stories - and rightly so. Heavy subject matter has to be sensitively portrayed, which can be a big ask in a medium primarily geared toward children. It takes a rare movie to balance biblical accuracy with enough gentleness not to stress younger viewers, all while still managing to be entertaining. With all that and a surprise appearance of Jeff Goldblum, this film delivered us to the promised land of holiday-related animation. * Love Letter * Khopesh * ’There goes the neighborhood’ * Homer Simpson goes through DABDA at breakneck speed * The Dawn of Everything * Why did God blow into Adam’s nostrils? * Could the Ten Plagues have happened? * The Megafrog interpretation of passover * ‘Allo ‘Allo!